r e d.chilipepper

polling...

battlestar galactica vs. the next generation:

which one wins out?

and remember, some slight nudging here: TNG has data. BG has evil android bionic humans... who wants to watch that?

le quotidien

i've decided that i can't read the news anymore. it's too depressing. it's always about some death, or abuse, or arrest... and even if it is embedded in the reality of society today, i just don't care to know about it anymore. it upsets me for no good reason. doesn't anyone ever report on good news? the miracles? bleech. so depressing.

they taught us the butterfly in swim class today. it occured to me that i probably looked like phoebe in the episode of friends when she and rachel do spastic running. i think i looked really dumb.

egads!

i posit this: the true mark of a compassionate person is found more during the times when consideration is not due, than when it is openly asked for or called upon.

what to say...

anyhow, a question of opinion -- shi fu once told me that if i hate someone, it is more a function of my own failings and fears than a reflection of the other person. afterall, it is me who is taking contention with that person, being offended, grasping on to ideas of a me, and my needs, and my sensibilities of how things should and should not be.

i've thought about this, and i see some truth to this statement but i often wonder where you draw the line. what if the person is terrible? what if the person really is wicked? then again, monks claim to be able to love even the most sly and depraved. that, however, is why i told him i couldn't be a monk. i'm not brave enough to have the equanimity that he does, though i try to.

any opinions?

btw, swimming isn't so bad. i swam *outside* yesterday in the rain. it was beautiful. i think i'm going to like this class.

augh

i look like a freakin' mutant with these allergies.

or more like quasimodo:

f*ckers

Department of Parking and Traffic: Holiday Enforcement Schedule 2005/2006

AUGH!

bastards!

meters are enforced today. god damn it.

second ticket in a week. i want to blow someone's head off.

$&()&(^^&$%^%$##@@#$^!!!!

forgive the random pondering

it's 2:19 in the morning. i have a random question regarding psychological states.

preface: tonight, a friend and i were discussing over dinner people we know how have serious psychological issues. it's a good thing i left the dsm iv at bf's place, and out of easy reach, otherwise i'd go around misdiagnosing people with all sorts of disorders. in any case, there are some people i know who most definitely qualify for personality disorders, a few eating, and some definite obsessive compulsive disorders. paranoia, too.

my question is: do these people realize that something is wrong? do they realize that they've veered from normal psychological standards? or are they just so used to being abnormal and excessively depressed or melodramatic, that that abnormal is now the norm?

my question is because we do have other types of physiological "set points": weight, balance, blood pressure, heart rate. these are all ranges of "normalcy." when we go beyond the range of normalcy, we can tell -- we feel heavier, our waistlines get bigger, we feel our hearts beating faster, we get shortness of breath, etc.

so, is there a psychological set point for each person? and do people realize that they are deviating from these psychological set points? and if people have set points different from "healthy" set points, do they realize that that too? do people who have bipolar depression or personality disorders feel that they have a problem? or do they not really? are we even to diagnose psychological issue if it doesn't cause the patient distress? is it only a disorder if they realize how much it makes them suffer? because honestly, people with, say, personality disorders aren't thinking about how their behavior makes others feel. they focus on their problems, their feelings, their needs.

so really, is deviance really an issue for the patient, or just for those around them? and if it does become an issue, at what point does it become a hindrance for the person, and why does it come into awareness, or how?

just some weird philosophical ponderings...

one more thing to add...

Note to self: if you bump into someone who you KNOW is balding, DO NOT look at his head. on the contrary, do exact the opposite -- LOOK AWAY.

i'm a retard.

i can't swim!

i am going to take swimming classes at the school gym starting today. just one thing:

i am terribly, terribly, petrified of open water. petrified to the point that i start hyperventilating.

but! i told bf and marsh that i would do a mini-triathalon with them in may. that means that i'll have to swim. no flippers, no motorized propellers, no doggy paddling.

one thing: i haven't swam since 1997, when i passed the boating test at mit. at that point, i could swim for an hour no sweat. but since then, i fell out of swimming style and i now suck. and when i say i suck, i really suck. i suck worse than you imagine.

bleagh. this is going to be such a sad, pathetic day for me, and riot for everyone else...

i ponder this...

feel free to answer if you have any thoughts...

1. why women in the bathroom go do their business WHILE on the cell phone. too much information!
2. why there are so many women facing the wrong way in the stall when i go into the bathroom to wash my hands. and they're standing there, motionless, for like 3 minutes... (i know one possible answer to this, but shouldn't they use the mens' bathroom, then?)
3. should people who take up more than their seat (due to breadth of size) in an airplane be expected to pay for two seats?
4. if i would rather date someone whom my parents disapproved of or my friends disapproved of.
5. if it is ever worth telling someone off.
6. if there ever would be anything for which i would commit seppuku or hiri-kara for.

okay. i think i'm heading home soon. watch out all you bay area people -- there is a heinous bug going around!

resolutions for zero-six..

i think they're dumb. you should make changes everyday of your life. these have been on the noggin for a while as things i've been meaning to do but never had a chance. i'll just write them down for my own personal reference:

1. eat less cheese, more dark chocolate (> 65% cacao content)
2. stop the random booty shaking in stores and streets
3. go back to vegetarianism
4. waste less time with people who make my head hurt
5. run more
6. drink more water, less coffee
7. try to judge less
8. try to forgive more
9. laugh more
10. lose the control freak-ness
11. eat more vegetables, oatmeal, and fruit
12. throw away stuff i really don't need
13. meditate everyday
14. FINISH YOUR THESIS (aughhghgghghghgh!)
15. try not to walk around looking like a messy, half-awake bedhead ALL the time
16. curb the temper
17. read more
18. be less of a flake on plans
19. try to be more honest with how i really feel
20. continue being adventurous with new experiences
21. spend less time listening to people who just want to gripe but not do anything about it
22. publish something at work
23. not have to do this again next year because i kept most of these...

2005 in passing...

just like that, another year gone and a new one has arrived. with the arrival of the new year always comes a bout of pensiveness...

i came across a letter i wrote to myself in high school ten years ago. i was supposed to have sealed it into time capsule in school but i kept it myself. i was afraid to open it. i sometimes wonder how the 10 years-ago me would feel if she met the present me.... disappointment? excitement? confusion? and if i met the embodiment of my old me now, would i understand her? would i like her? what would i think of her? what similarities would i find? and what changes would strike me?

admittedly, i'm not where the naive 17-year-old red chili pepper would have thought herself to be. somehow, i always saw life as leading up to college. my entire existence was getting into college, and once i got in, it'd magically just fix itself. i'd find a great job after college and stay in that job for the rest of my life, i'd meet my future hubby in college and live happily ever, and have kids by 26 (and a house), and i'd somehow be magically thin for the rest of my life.

hah. i was so delusional!

nonetheless, this past year rung in so many great, great things -- even the perceived low points were a blessing in disguise -- a new job with a kickin' boss, discovering new friendships and the strengthening of old ones, the exploration of new passions and interests, becoming closer to family, learning how to really entrust myself to someone else, and the list goes on... i feel totally blessed.

here's to 2006...