i got up at 8:00 this morning to go into work. it was okay, and maybe would have been fun, except that the novelty and satisfaction of pummeling myself into the ground for work has long worn off. i'm not feeling it anymore. maybe that's reflected in a few things:
1. my patio vegetable garden. i watch my plants daily.
2. the fact that i went to the spca today with bf to look at dogs. i really, really want one.
3. that i'm growing comfortable with the idea of going back into industry. a.k.a. $ $ eyes.
4. that when i went into lab after my scan this am, my graduate student friend had been in there since 9 am and probably stayed there until 6 pm. i don't want to do that.
5. i just feel no desire to be super accomplished. i want to play.
and so, i have yet veered to the other bipolar side of my personality. the lazy as cow dung, worn out, motivationless, ex-perfect asian daughter.
the only way i'm easy myself into this is by making an official declaration that i'll apply to graduate school AND jobs and defer if i get in. that's basically promising myself that i won't go back. and yet i can't admit that...
strange.
i am so bored. i need something to entertain me. i have no shortage of work, mind you, i just don't feel like doing it. i want a vacation. maybe i need to go live in a hobbit hole for a while and do nothing but eat, sleep, and play, samwise gamgee-style.
so, having to work, i compromise. what do i do in between all the brain imaging analyses and the 5-hour long meetings?
1. i savage love, salon, and yelp
2. i come up with 10 million more things to do with bf. we still haven't gotten through the first 10 on our list.
3. i try to sell things on ebay. mostly, things i bought on ebay that don't fit.
4. i send stupid ims and text messages to friends.
5. i fantasize about the weekend. (this i do a lot).
6. i place angry phone calls to stupid HR people at pg&e and comcast who defy my orders.
7. i try *not* to look at the clock.
8. i create existential crises.
9. i compulsively check email.
10. i ponder other people's existential crises and neuroses.
11. i think about how much work i'd get done if i wasn't such a useless tool.
12. i return to working and freaking out about how much i haven't done.
eventually, boredom returns, and i revisit steps 1- 12.
i am so ADHD someone needs to strap me to a chair and give me some work-ethic-focusing therapy, clockwork orange-style.
meta sent this to me and it made me laugh. and then i realized that it was only funny in a twisted way.
some people really need to take a look at it and let its message hit home.
i find myself so profoundly saddened by human nature, and how quick people are to judge and abandon those in need. i want to ask these people:
in whom are you most disappointed? him, for failing? or you, for your own unreasonable expectations?
your inability to possess even a modicum of theory of mind? who robbed you of your compassion? when did you become so selfish you forgot to see the pain of others around you?
we're all imperfect. stop demanding perfection out of someone who never promised you it and never asked for your fawning admiration. and if you learn to love those unintentional flaws, perhaps you will learn to finally love yourself. otherwise, i am deeply sorry for the lonely road you have ahead of you.
i never thought it, but i'm slowly warming up to the idea of snowboarding. heavenly got hit with about 1 foot of snow on sunday and we spent all day riding the slopes, with me screaming down every run as sue-bear challenged me to go as fast as i could. there's definitely an adrenaline kick with speed, but the best part is when your adrenaline overcomes your fear. that's when you start actually enjoying snowboarding.
nonetheless, this posting is a plug about the importance of helmets. i fell backwards while doing a sloppy toeside turn, and hit the back left side of my head. i must have had a contusion that slammed into my somatosensory cortex because the minute i fell, i smelled the snow so clearly it almost hurt my nose. and really, snow doesn't smell like anything. the entire season bf has been after me to wear a helmet and i kept saying, no i'm fine, i don't need it, bla bla bla. but really, you do need a helmet, and it's necessary to wear one. there's nothing more important than your noggin'. so whether you water ski, snowboard or ski, or even bike, get yourself one.
okay. enough about that lesson in personal safety. we might sneak up one more run this season to north lake, but if not, it's good to see the sun coming out. that means summer is almost here. makes me excited. i can't wait for the sf street festivals, camping trips, and marshy's white water rafting trip.
i love the bay area. it makes you never want to leave.
i somehow forgot that a lamb is a sheep yesterday. i don't think bf totally believed me when i argued that they were different animals. but because i was so persistent without budging an inch or giving way to a sense of joking around, i made him doubt his own convictions.
we called ragu to break the argument, who didn't even chide me for not knowing that they are the same animal, one just being the baby version of the other.
this is a testament to what a mess i currently am. laugh at me all you want. the day you come to me confused about lambs and sheeps, i won't fix you straight.
i think this rainfall is almost as bad as boston. i can't believe how much rain there has been. it makes you tired. and then makes you want to eat grilled cheese and tomato soup. maybe that's what i'll have tonight.
bf and i went to home depot this weekend to get our patio garden kick started. we were both relatively excited at the prospect of getting some home grown herbs and tomatoes, especially because we're tired of buying packages of herbs and only using a twig or two. it feels too wasteful. so, we found ourselves amongst plenty of pretty little plants, and selected the choice few.
while looking for pots, some dork stole our cart.
desperate, we scoured the store for anyone with a cart and plants.
the returns section.
the shelves on the outdoor gardening section.
we asked customer service if they had seen our cart.
we wanted our plants. our tomatoes. our babies. oddly enough, we were mad, too. how dare someone swipe the best tomatoes plants and our sweet bundle o' rosemary? it turned out that someone had stolen the cart and roughly dumped our plants on the side. luckily, they were okay.
we found it odd how attached we had become to our plant. we had just found them a few minutes before, and they were just green twigs, basically. it made me think of how we form attachments to concrete things like each others, or perhaps to less concrete things such as, ideas of how people should be, theories of science and life, and even things that we create ourselves, like dreams, desires, and hope. and while there may not be a logical basis for how fond we become to some of these things, i think we find it necessary. how would it be to walk through life without any adherence to ideas or desires of how things should be? or if we were completely indifferent to who we loved, or what we possessed, or how we wanted to be treated?
i wonder what it would mean to have no preferences. or how that would change humans. would we become boring? personalityless? clones? or would there just be peace and simplicity?
all this from a trip to home depot for some tomatoes. i should buy plants more often.
it's hot in taiwan. really, really hot. i wasn't prepared for the 32 degree celsius weather, or the mugginess, or the pollution. there's something about taiwan that is always dirty and if it weren't for my family being here, i wouldn't necessarily say that the quality of life here merits visiting frequently. somehow, it feels like taiwan was the small, simple country that succumbed to industrialism faster than it could handle.
nonetheless, my jetlagged sleep deprivation has led me to yet another profound (or at least i think) thought. if i am in the situation of finding myself deeply disappointed in an individual, it's really because i'm upset that this person has seemingly ruined the delicate balance of my needing to have my expectations fulfilled and them actually being fulfilled. i have no right to expect someone else to achieve a certain level of "goodness" or "character of being" that i have arbitrarily set. no person walks unmarked, no person is omniscient, and i'd be a hypocrite to say that they should be otherwise. in essence, in such a situation, i'm the only person who is really falling from grace.
so in this case and others i've witnessed, i find myself confused. i thought that i should be angry or upset, but i feel more sadness than anything. maybe it's sadness knowing that there must be something dark within that compels a person to behave in a generally disapproved way. or maybe, it's more that i know that others will mark him (or her) as a pariah. they'll lambaste him, find ways to brew bad from his past goods, and shun his future overtures. that person becomes tainted, and the judgements begin to preceed the actions. and they'll do this all without looking within to see how incredibly selfish and incompassionate they are in expecting a person to be a god.