boy, i'm tired. i feel like i've been chugging away in 10 million directions for months now, without rest. well, i've burnt out.
i'm sick of always being on some quest, always looking ahead, searching for the next thing to fix or the next wrong thing. mostly, i'm disappointed at myself. i look back to entries in 2003, where i keep reminding myself that the reason i came out to sf was to take a break. somewhere along the line, i jumped back on that fast train and forgot who it was i meant to be.
enough of that. i'm scaling it all back.
a few thoughts:
i posted pictures of some of you all, as well as some of my best friends on flickr. i called it "anthology of friends." you have to have a flickr account to view it, so add yourself to me if you want to check it out. there is goonley in a skirt, meta scowling, and me peering looking very avant garde-ish.
i won't ever get to say this to NG, but here it is anyhow:
reflections on love:
What greater thing is there for two human souls that to feel that they are joined... to strengthen each other... to be at one with each other in silent unspeakable memories. ~ George Eliot
Love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking together in the same direction. ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery
The most powerful symptom of love is a tenderness which becomes at times almost insupportable. ~ Victor Hugo
gunther turned 2005 yesterday. i decided to take a picture to commemorate the occasion with my cell phone.
it probably wasn't the smartest thing to do - cell phone, stick, and wheel - two hands trying to handle three things but it came out okay.
there's a freedom in having a car that i never realized existed. i have room to think in my own silent space.
carmen: "just because you love someone, doesn't mean that you are right for each other."
heh. wisdom from a bloody violent, crass, and elementary school-aged, cartoon character.
but damn it, it's true and it hurts like a bitch.
i've been a chronic back sleeper my entire life. i've also usually been a very flat sleeper. but lately, my sleeping patterns have changed and i think my body is confused during sleep. it just doesn't know where to stick itself.
a few weeks ago, we went camping. before i drifted off to sleep, ng, who knows that i get cold very easily, told me "if you get cold, sleep on your belly. it keeps you warm." sure enough, halfway through the night, i woke up chattering. i flipped over on my stomach, and slept soundly through the night. for the next two days, i slept on my belly, and returned to civilization with a knack for sleeping that way.
unfortunately, i discovered that it also messed up my neck and my back. my neck hurts all the time now, and my body wakes up in the middle of the night in some contorted position halfway through a back-sleeping and belly-sleeping position.
weird, weird. so on another note, does that mean my personality has changed? according to this bbc article, i used to be a soldier but now i'm a freefaller... maybe i'm just multiple-sleep personality disorder.
lately, there seems to be a sentiment in my life of not catching on things. the cliched "ships passing in the night" type feeling. not sure what i have let gone astray, or what boat i've missed, but i can't seem to hold on to things quite the way i hoped or originally envisioned. it makes me wonder if another approach, another decision, if a few more hesitations would have made a big difference.
then i realize that it's moot thinking all these things. i suppose i'm just a little sad to have been remiss on all the possibility and potential. it's all very "ke si."
about you that drives me so crazy?
i don't know.
i'm about to go batty, though. i think someone needs to slap me upside the head and knock me some sense.
* * * * *
on another note:
1. home is soooo nice. i slept until 11:00 yesterday. i'm going to see teachers i had over 10 years ago tomorrow. that is messed up.
2. i really dislike people who only keep in touch with you because they want to date you. you were friends *before* you started dating, right? or do you only care about them because they were a possibility to you? if you are the latter, good riddance!
3. still in the process of formulating the "next step" plans although i've only just started working. lately, i have been thinking that i want my next degree to lead to something concrete. no more post-doc, no more years of trying to get tenure, kiss ass, publish. i just want a normal, happy life.
4. i'm managing people at work. *that* is weird. how long has it been since i've managed anyone? probably 2000's career fair at mit. not used to the politics, and certainly not used to the attitude.
5. i'm learning how to defy the asian method of silently enduring crap. i like talking smack back. it feels good.
from mid november until last week, i was pretty much a strict vegetarian (i'd eat shrimp occasionally). i came off of my vegetarian diet because i was going to train for another half marathon, and eating tofu and beans was just not cutting it.
after eating meat for one week, i feel disgusting. i'm tired, sluggish, and very absentminded. my system feels like i've been drinking oil.
so, it's back to the vegetarianism for me. for those of you who haven't tried it, just try it for one week. it really does work miracles for you...
but i am not nearly as wise as she is. thank heavens for my mommy.
here is something she sent me last week:
To love because there is someone worthy for you to love.
Let go the fear of losing because that is part of life we all have to accept and experience.
It is better to love with a possibility to lose than not to love at all.
Try to enjoy the moment of happiness that love brings than to think and fear for the future.
on another note, thanks to horizon line and goonley for an amazing weekend that i will remember for years to come. my left middle toe is purple, and i have 4 blisters, but this weekend i breathed the tranquility of the world with a few good friends. it was well worth the twenty miles and ticks we endured. thanks for coming!
1. i brought hephaestus into stanford today and against my will, they installed something on it and now it won't start.
it's insane how much of your life is on a computer. goonley, NG or some computer savant is going to have to fix it before my brain flatlines from stress. i distinctly do not like IT people.
2. my car has been renamed gunther, thanks to democratic vote by my students.
3. i'm going on a 20 mile hiking trip this weekend. elevation gains are like 2k feet, losses are 1.5k. i hardly think i'll last past mile 2.014, to be exact.
4. i think i am addicted once again to coffee.
5. i stalled this morning while trying to change cds. note to self: do not multitask while driving stick.
6. i owe meta a box o' chocolate chip cookies. will you please send me your address, punk?
7. i started eating meat again this weekend. it's hard to train for a half marathon when the main source of protein is liquid soy beans.
8. in an attempt to compensate for all the overconsumption that took place last weekend, i have been feeding myself predominantly fruit. do you know how badass cherries are?
9. another note to self: take claritin when you see lots of trees and yellow powder all over your car. palo alto has so many frickin' trees!