it's been a long time since i've interviewed, in a suit no less. i think the last time was january 2001, when i was job hunting.
next week i have a scholarship interview.
should i wear:
1. two piece black suit, black jacket with two buttons and a black skirt with a button up shirt inside (very ibanking-ish)
2. two piece grey suit, inside with a sleeveless dress, outside a matching jacket that goes below the inside dress/jumper?
i have no idea. taking votes. both are very formal, the black one is just a tad standard, while the grey one is a little more fashionable, but less stanard.
while i'm at it:
Ten Things I've Done That You Probably Haven't
1. Acted in a movie as a main character that is currently being sold somewhere (not that kind of movie, sicko!).
2. Been offered a record deal.
3. Switched majors 6 times during, and after, college
4. Played every single Sierra game produced during the 80s and 90s (wait. this one might be doubtful).
5. Donated bone marrow.
6. Spent 11 hours in one weekend swing dancing.
7. Ate two boxes of clementines in 1 day and once ate only Gala apples for 3 days.
8. Been asked to join a Buddhist temple as an ordained Buddhist nun.
9. Attempted twice to audition for American Idol.
10. Been rejected from graduate schools a total of 27 times.
11. Watched all three Godfathers on Christmas Day. In one sitting.
i really hate coding. i got stuck with spss coding for the lab, mainly because i'm the ex-engineer, and because i actually spent time figuring it out. now, i don't mind this, but damn it, i HATE coding. I HATE HATE HATE it. i once proposed to cohene that we napalm the .004 lab, and oddly enough, he knew how to make napalm. that was more disturbing than my desire to blow up that room.
this data set has 1532 variables. it's driving me crazy.
at least the rain stopped. makes me feel like blaring my cyndi lauper as loud as i can.
1. i found out why i got dinged from schools. something minor, at least, that i can fix next round.
2. beckfat may come visit next month.
3. i'm going to visit taiwan next month.
4. i cleaned my room.
huh. don't know.
i was in jamba juice the other day with a buddhist nun friend when we chanced upon a book by don miguel ruiz called "the four agreements." short synopsis but they are as follows:
1. Be Impeccable With Your Word
2. Don't Take Anything Personally
3. Don't Make Assumptions
4. Always Do Your Best.
then sliu forwarded me a valentine's day forward, basically of two researchers who asked a bunch of young children what they thought love was. amongst my favorite answers:
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen." Bobby - age 7
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." Karen - age 7
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4 (as a developmental psychologist, i don't really see how a 4 year old can say this so perfectly... but whatever)
things can be explained and directed so simply. but are they really? it seems to me sometimes that things are much more complex, but i'm still looking for all my answers, so who knows. maybe i'll live to 80 and someday discover that it all really is that basic. then i'll have myself a really good laugh.
i have really vivid dreams. amongst the strange and elaborate themes: being a jet li-esque martial arts fighter, and seeing the minute details of the ancient chinese garb (color, fabric, stitching, etc.), being chased by a space ship in a dark forest and running with tremendous fear with my friends, and involvement with the italian mafia (despite not being italian).
the other day, i dreamnt that i was pregnant. it's probably from my master's thesis -- they say that the last thing you think of, or work with, most likely will end up in your dreams. in this case, i became a participant of my own study, and was pregnant. i somehow managed (in a very odd way), to discover my pregnancy while i was in mile 3 of a half marathon. and so i had to stop this marathon, because i was afraid of jeopardizing my pregnancy. after i stopped, i carefully went to prepare dinner, making sure that i had the proper amounts of vitamins, fiber, protein, and folic acid (good to prevent spina bifida). i also refrained from drinking alcohol, or from going to bed at an ungodly hour. in short, everything i did in that dream was for my baby in my belly. i even kept stroking my stomach in my sleep...
when i woke up, i realized that i have never undertaken such a tremendous responsibility. while i incorporate my family and close friends in all my decisions, being single has allowed me to ultimately choose based upon my self-projected wellbeing and welfare. but being pregnant is completely different -- every action intimately and inevitably affects a life, in the most innately biological and emotional ways possible.
i also understood the more subtle importance of my thesis project -- it's not just so i can graduate -- my study is examining something crucial that is to date underexplored in the field of health psychology. i also realized that women who are pregnant really deserve kudos for being able to set aside their needs for that of a growing life. it is the ultimate responsibility that asks for the most selfless sacrifice.
at the same time, however, i was silly and told my mom about my dream. whereupon she said, "maybe this is a subconscious sign that you are ready to find someone and have kids. i am SO ready for that."
thanks everyone who emailed me for my research from this blog! although i didn't recognize the names of some of the individuals who contacted me, i really appreciated all your helpful efforts. i figure word of mouth will eventually get me all the participants i need, so feel free to pass my research description on.
i was running in the park today -- second time running on trail since my injury in november -- and it felt great. san francisco was a benevolent 65 degrees today, not a cloud in the sky, and even ocean beach was warm. i keep thinking how much i'm going to miss this city and it's making me sad. my friend said the other day that he couldn't understand why i had to 'mentally' prepare myself to leave. i guess you can get just as attached to a city as you can to an individual. san francisco has been sweet to me.
list of things to do before i leave:
1. angel island
2. sf symphony and opera
3. gather group to go to blood centers of pacific with me to register for bone marrow or to donate blood
4. watch the sun set from montara, ocean beach and stinson
5. big sur half marathon
6. drive pch
7. learn how to drive stick (i need to do this before i leave for europe!!)
just wanted to paste this poem. melikes it much. oh, i hope everyone has a sweet valentine's day:
ROAD LESS TRAVELED
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth
Then took the other as just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet, knowing how way leads onto way
I doubted if I should ever come back
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence
Two roads diverged in a wood
And I took the one less traveled by
And that has made all the difference
I finally got Human Subjects' Testing approval for my thesis. I'm seeking participants! Please help if you can:
I am seeking women who are currently in, or approaching, their third trimester of pregnancy or women who have children between 3 and 12 months of age. My study will ask participants to answer questions about their emotions during pregnancy and about their infants’ temperament and health. The study will be completely confidential, and the participants’ contact information will be used only by me for the survey. Participants do not have to answer any questions they do not want to and are free to discontinue participation. If interested, please email firstname.lastname@example.org.
thanks to everyone who patiently and persistly smoothed the waves of my disappointment this past week. i'm still waiting to hear from three research programs, although i know for sure that the clinical programs were a no-go.
i've been reminded to be more mindful of the blessings i have in life, and to not lose my self deterministic hold and let life control me and my decisions. in the end, i have the option to decide, and i should still choose and pick what it is i do. three years in england, especially in cambridge, is a tremendous blessing and i would be foolish to let such a beautiful opportunity go unappreciated.
in any case, valentine's day weekend is coming up. i hope everyone finds themselves well-loved and content on that day. i will be...
okay. so i know for sure, i got dinged from 5 schools.
i'm going to go on a contact hiatus. don't feel like writing or talking for a while.
warning: this is a very personal entry. close browser now if you don't want a peek into my demented soul.
it's funny how irrational and rational fear can be. it kicks in when you are facing great peril, and yet sometimes you find yourself worrying expressly about that which you cannot control. you would think that humans might have internal mechanisms not to fear things that are out of our hands, but most of my friends find themselves consumed most by the indeterminate -- relationships, health, death. i have lately found myself to be in a state of utter petrification. about what?
graduate school acceptances.
if you venture back, this blog traces me through the rejection of two law school admission processes, as well as my experiencing of other sorts of rejections. i can accept many types of rejections well, but those relating to my work and my career are ones i still have not learned how to accept with gentle grace. i am afraid of spending my life doing something meaningless, wherein day in and day out is just drudgery to me. i fear pouring myself into an dead end job, where my efforts and talents bring no benefit to anyone or anything but the company's bottom line. at the law firm, i loathed most the feeling that i had 50 years more of nothingness ahead of me. i could do the work, but there was no meaning beyond the deadlines and hours to meet. i don't want recognition -- that must be made clear -- but i selfishly need the satisfaction of knowing that my work has benefitted someone or has been of some use. now that i've finally found what that is, i desire and crave more of it. i have never loved what i am doing to this degree, and now i'm facing the possibility that i may not be able to continue to pursue it as i hoped.
this recent panic has been brought on by my classmate's recent acceptance into a school and three interviews. me? 0 for 0. i know i have no reason to complain, nor should i, but i'm afraid. i'm afraid of how i'll feel if i have no where to go, or if i again find myself in the situation of having reached a dead end. it's not the rejection that hurts so much as the feelings of confusion that ensue from being rejected. i can always execute, but i cannot always emotionally sustain more denials.
i'm trying not to allow myself to be consumed by this fear. hue an reminds me that i must have faith in the universe - as does rilke, coelho, the buddha, but where does one gather this faith? i know my dread is due partially to conditioning because i have been rejected in the past. granted, the past doesn't predict the future (they are two disjointed subsets of time), but i don't know how to shake that fear of the sinking feeling one gets when one is rejected.
it's a beautiful day today in san francisco, i meditated, and i have spoken with some good friends -- there is nothing really awry. it's just my innards twisted into a complicated knot of apprehension, dread, and fear. i need to drop it before it weighs me down and eradicates any hope that could have brought in good fortune.