i miss my dog today.
FOUR JOBS YOU'VE HAD IN YOUR LIFE
1. Physics, math and programming tutor
2. Patent agent
3. Researcher
4. Programmer
FOUR MOVIES YOU COULD WATCH OVER AND OVER
1. Hero
2. 16 Candles
3. Shawshank Redemption
4. Watership Down
FOUR PLACES YOU'VE LIVED
1. Boston, MA
2. San Francisco, CA
3. Taichung, Taiwan
4. Beijing, China
FOUR TV SHOWS YOU LOVE TO WATCH (currently on-air)
1. Scrubs
2. Rome
3. Antiques Roadshow
4. American Idol
FOUR PLACES YOU'VE BEEN ON VACATION
1. Italy
2. Costa Rica
3. Taiwan
4. France
FOUR WEB SITES YOU VISIT DAILY
1. cnn.com
2. salon.com
3. movabletypo.net
4. google.com
FOUR OF YOUR FAVORITE FOODS
1. unagi
2. pineapple
3. lu ro fan
4. pae jong
FOUR PLACES YOU'D RATHER BE RIGHT NOW
1. Taiwan
2. Paris
3. Florence
4. Ireland
imma gonna be away until next year -- some R&R at home and then trying to be a snow bunny on the slopes of tahoe.
blogging? maybe. if i can dig merself out of all that snow. usually i dread going home to the east coast because of the weather. given the intense rainfall here, though, it might just be better.
happy holidays, everyone :)
(insert cheesy tune)
ever played pink floyd to over the rainbow? it really works. it's actually a little eerie. especially when you're drunk on a few bottles of wine.
quote from the movie: "A heart is not judged by how much you love; but by how much you are loved by others."
huh.
i woke up this morning on the wrong side of the bed. gar...
i want to DSM-IV.
i want to cuddle it longingly to sleep.
i want to rifle through it, and lovingly brush the pages.
i want to brandish it as a weapon against the psychologically menacing.
i want to pay homage to it.
actually, i'll just shut myself up now.
i really just want a vacation.
from a slight dissociative identity disorder. sometimes, when you get the feeling of not being yourself, or not properly remembering who or where you are, it's a moment of cognitive obscurity.
just like when you look at a word that looks strange and you keep staring at it. don't you feel slightly dissociated from self?
that just happened to me.
i spent 15 minutes retyping a word over and over again.
and then i realized i wasn't suffering from a psychotic disorder.
i'm just a retard who i spelled "maintenance" wrong.
i've been following this tookie williams thing with a morbid fascination. it all started in high school when our us government history teacher had us debate pro and con for the death penalty. for me, it's one of those things i've never been able to take a strong stance on. i can see both sides of the issue, and my spiritual and intellectual mind are often opposed on this issue.
research has shown that execution is an expensive, and often, ineffective and inaccurate process. repeals can take an average of over 10 years, and it obviously doesn't seem to work as a deterrent to heinous crimes. so, logistically speaking, the death penalty is not all that effective.
but what i am more concerned of is the idea of causing the punisher to suffer. most victims of crime want the perpretrator to suffer an equal, if not more amount, and i believe that even though justice lauds ideals of societal protection and possible recidivism, underlying the law is a fundamental human need to see punishment, and hence suffering, equally meted out.
i am guilty of admitting this, but i often wonder if death is a equal punishment for some of the crimes committed. i'm not saying it's easy, but i know someone who is in life for prison, and it's a terrible punishment. it's daunting. he entered at 18, and the knowledge of his never possibly having parole for 70 years, confined in a small cell, never interacting with world or knowing what goes on drives him to terrible depths of dispair. some would say that that is a fitting punishment. but if you impose death, the person doesn't have to face his crime, he goes away, he doesn't spend any more time paying for his punishment. perhaps you may say that he values his life, but some say that death is better than lifelong confinement and that even the fear of losing one life is ancillary. afterall, one would not kill if he had fear for his life. it is only those who see life as disposible that are willing to commit those level of crimes. so taking away their lives isn't really a threat, or a loss, or a grievance. it is natural.
but with this issue, comes the question of whose fault it really is. i mean, are any of us responsible for how we are if all we know and all we see is empirically derived? i deal with issues the way my parents deal with them. my temper, my ability to love, my sense of wrong -- they are all derived from my parents. i know not to kill because i never saw it as acceptable. 80% of abusers, for example, were themselves abused. what if a parent never gave the child the skills to deal with things properly, then whose fault is it? if a child kills because he saw his father abuse, is it the child's fault? is it the father's fault if he himself never knew?
where does the responsibility lie? with the rapist? the rapist's father? grandfather? ancestors? where did it all start? and if we are killing a murderer, are we will dealing with the issue at hand? are we really remedying the lack of emotional tools for people to properly deal with things? we may cause the murdered to suffer, but are we really teaching our children and other people suffering how to better cope with their weaknesses?
i don't have any answers. i've been thinking about this a lot lately, and i still don't know who to feel for. i'm not excusing any morally reprehensible behavior. i'm just questioning where it started, and how to really stop it.
and on that note, thank god i have the parents i do.
you always think that maybe the third party has the clearest insight. the two involved are sometimes too caught up in the emotions and the circumstance to clearly see a way out.
but maybe even the third party doesn't know best. maybe nobody knows best.
i'm pretty troubled this morning. i have a friend who has managed to get himself into a very sticky situation. over the past year, i have received countless emails, phone calls (trans world, no less), IMs, emails. i have probably spent more time advising this friend on this topic than i have ever given the rest of my friends on any topic. i have received calls from him crying, drunk, having narrowly missed a book being thrown at his head, having been locked out, thrown out, bankrupt, and lost. and i have received all these calls with the utmost patience, until the last few months.
i'm sick of listening to it. maybe i'm not compassionate, but how long can you watch someone self destruct before you get so sick of seeing him miserable that you finally remove yourself? and does that make you a bad friend? are you not loyal? but if you don't remove yourself, aren't you just being an enabler? like the friends who keeps supplying the alcoholic liquor or the addict cocaine? where is the line between supporting a friend, and doing what's best for him? do i even know what is best?
a fight almost broke out last night at dinner. i can't remember the last time i've had a confrontation like that with someone. oh wait. i can. in college, i was running a career fair and some dimwitted assistant tried to command my roommate (a swe officer, no less) to do her job and pick up some packages. i bitched the living daylights out of her. (anyhow, back ot topic at hand). i generally have super harmonious and loving relationships with my friends, but last night, we were at each other's throats. i left, exasperated.
on my way home, i felt pretty disappointed in myself, but mostly concerned for him. maybe that's just it, right? it's his choice, his life, his fate. i guess i can just decide not to witness his pain anymore.. or can't i?
when i am sleep deprived, it is when i especially yearn for a frontal lobotomy. mostly to remove the portions of my brain associated with complex reasoning and thought.
then again, i bet everyone else associated with me wishes for it more.