i want to celebrate!
my first application went off late last week! hurrah, hurrah!
i feel like dancing.
dance wif me, dance wif me...
okee. back to work. 15 more apps to go =p
but they don't make them like they used to, alas. i loved these games, especially space quest. the game probably fostered my curiosity in science :p.
no. that was star trek.
CNN.com - Review: Latest 'Leisure Suit Larry' lacking - Oct 29, 2004
during the debates seemed really odd to me. it was a drastic difference from his previous bungling attempts to speak. his correct usage of multisyllabic words seemed the oddest to me, especially when he usually can't get his grammar straight.
well, now we know why:
Salon.com News | NASA photo analyst: Bush wore a device during debate
i got my pictures back from the half marathon. i was going to post them, but decided not to.
first of all, i look like a miserable, painstricken, demented runner. in every picture, i look sick, pale and weak. and also my legs look weird. i don't look like i'm running. maybe doing some weird irish jig. in one of the pictures, my neck looks bigger than my head. actually, it looks like i don't have a chin and my face morphed into a neck.
nasty. i wish i was one of those people who actually looked good when they run. alas, 'tis not me.
i'm really, really, really sad today.
i haven't had a cathartic outburst in months but i really feel like crying today. our family dog, who has been with us for 15 years, is passing away. and i'm stuck out here, 3,000 miles away from him.
he's such an integral part of our family that we've all become accustomed to planning our lives around him. we cook things especially so that he can eat it, and make sure to carry him around with us. i know he's had a good life, but it doesn't really help much.
blah. and i have so much sh*t to do for school. i don't feel like doing any of it.
i had the best weekend ever. i'm so fortunate that i constantly have great weekends but this weekend was just phenomenal. first, i spent all friday and saturday night on the couch, watching south park and eating. then yesterday, i ran my first half marathon *ever*, and also went to the bridge school benefit.
if you've never seen paul mccartney perform live, you're missing out. i'm glad it was dark, though, because i snuck in some crying in some songs, but he's amazing. it's not just his musical talent, it's how he expresses emotion in his songs.
in any case, lessons learned from half marathon:
1. eat before you run.
2. use bathroom before you run.
3. if you are going to run a long distance run, don't ever do your first one in sf.
4. make sure you have lots of friends to cheer you on and leave messages on your cell phone. it's very inspiring.
5. have meat ready at the end of your race. you'll want it.
6. wait about 12 hours before you think about running another race. those first 12 hours will be filled with "what the hell? not another race!" and then you'll be ready to jump back into it.
7. don't run the day after. (i had the chase the bus this am. uhh... ouch! )
8. find someone to run with during the race.
what was with that clip of manny doing that dance and the stevie wonder music going on? i almost laughed myself out of my chair. it's cool to play clips of manny. and it's cool to play stevie wonder. it's not cool to play them together.
so tonight's game was not nearly as painful to watch as some of the early post-season ones. still, they made some errors they definitely shouldn't have, and wakefield was definitely hurting. maybe though, it's not too much of a curse to hope for the 'sox. there's always and hope. well, at least that's what the guys from team america told me. i always listen to puppets.
i'm getting ready for bed. i gotta get up tomorrow at 5 for the run. i managed to get myself a bib for the half marathon, after throwing in lots of whining and details of my bone marrow donation (i am running this race for people i know personally, as well). i'm gonna carbo bomb and cranberry juice bomb a bit more, and then pass out.
otherwise, cambridge app is done. i just wanted to say that i'm so lucky to have my mom. i logged into my application websites yesterday and found out that mommy pepper had filled out most of the common information (i.e., address, phone number, etc). i'm also grateful for my good friends who supply me with the words when my brain has stopped functioning. the sun is starting to come out from behind the clouds. i'm happy. i'm looking forward to having more and more time to be over the next few months.
i had my first semi-breakdown yesterday. i've been holding up pretty well this year, considering how busy life has been since june. but the straw that broke the camel's back was that i didn't register for my half marathon. sure, i could run it bandit, but i guess i wanted the realness of it. i wanted a number, i wanted to officially finish.
i've been training for this half marathon since august. it's been a great goal because it provides structure to my life and forces me to set aside personal time on weekends. but i've been so busy with that signing up was an afterthought until tuesday night. i discovered at 2 am that the registrations had sold out.
i was so mad that i wanted to rip up my applications. throwing a fit isn't much fun when no one is around to witness it so i just sort of silently bitched off to meta and tried to sleep it off.
i know it's a really silly thing to be mad about. i can register for the 10k run to the far side and there are other marathons in the area i can run. but it was just something i didn't need to forget. just like i don't need to forget the word for stonehenge, or people's birthdays (especially when they fly up to the city to celebrate), or bills that have gone unpaid, or the fact that i have to hang up on people when they call because i'm too busy to talk. i also don't like that when i have a minute free, i don't know how to just sit and chill. i feel like i *have* to be doing something all the time.
i have always prided myself on being well balanced, and i think i've achieved that pretty consistently throughout my life. this term has been the first time when i've had to sacrifice friends for school, personal time for papers, and i really don't like that feeling. it just makes me wonder if it'll always be this way. if i'll have to pass dating by for work, friends for publications and so on...
it should get better, i hope, but yesterday, for the first time, i felt a serious anger at myself for doing this.
thanks to whomever posted that fmri article online. you know me too well :). if you ever want to hear about the theory behind fmri, i'd be more than happy to expound upon quantum spins and blood flow. it's nifty stuff.
so it's late and i'm pretty tired. i decided not to work until 2 again tonight because i'm afraid that if i do, i'll make a gross error. it reminds me of the time in my high school anthropology class that i was writing a paper on the -- good lord. i just blanked. what are those big stones that sit in a circle in england? doh. thanks to goonley for reminding me - stonehenge (i swear that graduate studies do nothing except make you more tard) and i meant to write something like a stick was used to push the rocks into a hole. in any case, it was 12:30 am, the night before my mit app was due and instead of using a "st" for stick, i typed a d. needless to say, microsoft wordcheck didn't catch and and my anthro teacher thought i was a rock perve. well, i do fancy rocks. especially big brown ones with moss on them.
kidding, kidding. i'm so not funny at this hour.
in any case, tangent. so after hours of work, i really do want to go to sleep every night, and though i'm physically exhausted and have practically reached terminal stupidity, i can't. my mind is saturated with chatter about applications that need to get filled out, pregnant women and cortisol and glucocorticoids, bla bla bla. i don't really mind working hard, but i do mind that i haven't been able to clear my mind.
it's been tough meditating lately. usually, i can sit and reach a stillness within 5 minutes, but when i sit these days, noise just enters in from all directions. i hear it on the street, in my head, in the wind, and i can't block it out. i'm a little wary of this state because i know that if i can't give myself a mental respite from all this work, i'll eventually get sick (which i already am) and then i'll start becoming unendearingly irrational (where my questions about which word it is stops becoming funny and starts becoming alarming) and then i'll just into my exhausted fits-o-laughter. it's not a pretty sight.
the thing about meditation is that it's more than just sitting on a mat trying to belt out harmonious ohms. actually, in the three years since i've been meditating, i haven't ever ohmmed, though it'd be interesting to see if i could reach super fast enlightenment if i did. i guess what it is for me is a little haven. if i can calm myself down enough to dissociate from all concerns, tasks, and sensations, i feel like i'm everywhere and nowhere. my mind is serenly vacant, i'm not thinking of everything, and it feels as if all my sensations and perceptions have been distilled to a point of sweet clarity.
it's really remarkable.
so i'm going to try to taste a little bit of that tranquility tomorrow. i'm enjoying all this work i have to do, more than happy to apply to grad schools (except if they are as nonsensical as cambridge's) but i want to make sure that while i'm doing this, i'm retaining a sense of awareness and personal space.
okay. enough of a rant. time to go sit for a bit.
it's 1:30. i'm feeling really cranky because the application to cambridge is tard. it's the most tard thing i've ever seen. here are a few of my gripes:
1. i'm hungry (unrelated to the app but something i want to throw in after working for... wow. 12 hours now, and an 8 mile run)
2. they post the application on oct 1 and make it due nov 1 and expect you to send it three weeks in advance if you are international. am i the only one seeing something wrong with this?
3. no where do they simply and explicitly state where you should do what. they make stupid little tables with obscure numbers that make no sense. also, they have an entirely separate "instruction sheet" with numbers that are supposed to correspond to the questions but don't really. instructions are all over the place.
4. they need a weird sized photo of me. augh!! what the hell?
5. the "magic" packing list says i need to include 4 full copies of my application, 3 copies of my recommendations and a personal data sheet that doesn't exist anywhere.
grrrr.
i want a cookie.
are killing me.
if i get an ulcer from them, i am never watching baseball again =(. yesterday was what i call agonizing. today, is just as enjoyable as pulling teeth.
i just want to write down how silly i am. note that this behavior is absolutely necessary to balance out the intensity of my schoolwork:
in an im to a friend -> rcp: hey you! yes you! you are a green, large-sized pooper scooper.
in an email to a friend -> rcp: cow breath. you smell.
in an im to a friend who was thinking of taking a girl out to dinner -> rcp: that's operant conditioning! skinner would be proud.
to my roommate who is trying to set up real tv -> rcp: r e s p e c t! find out what it means to me (belting at the top of my lungs, with the aretha franklin type dancing).
in a restaurant, bored -> rcp busts out: bow chickee bow bow!
thank the lord for people who understand how weird i am.
another day of playing hooky. today, i really won't do anything. no studying, no writing. just watching movies and getting paddy.
why does this article bother me?:
FDA approves use of implantable chip in patients to pass medical information to doctors
i am on strike against my stomach.
i'm sick again.
sore throat, stomach pains and lack of desire to eat, dizziness, headache. despite that, i just managed to take a 215 question psychology practice gre. not bad. i got above a 700. maybe i can get into a school.
i think i have a rather good immune system until work piles on and i fall immune to nasty icky germs in the universe and stop sleeping. maybe my irrationality is a sign of the sickness to come. or maybe i'm just always incoherent. i'm skipping class today. if anyone is free, come over and watch some tv with me.
please read my graduate essay! first deadline is nov 1st. leave me a comment with your email address if you have time, and i'll send it over.
it's 7:43. i'm up. i have 8 hours of training today. i need to go run before i lose my sanity.
$%^&*%$^&^&!
promise to self: after this crazy month is over, i will do the following:
1. have a scrubs marathon with goonley et al. (all 3.5 seasons in one sitting)
2. eat a huge ass tub of ice cream at said scrubs marathon
3. sleep for 10 hours straight
4. go to a club and dance all my friends' booties off
5. finally call back / im everyone who wants to hear from me (especially huru).
6. go camping in some mountain wilderness and bond with the cheetahs.
interesting. there's this guy sitting across from me in the cafe, with a picture of brooke shields and some male model (not him) taped to the top of his laptop.
eeee! you don't tape things to your laptop, or your monitor, for that matter. it's just wrong. wrong wrong wrong.
i don't know what the obsession is with our gadgets. i leave the plastic protective tape on until the sticky side gets all gooey with sweater fuzz and hair, and until i'm basically mashing it on in an attempt to keep it from falling off. i clean the screen of my phone daily. to this day, i have an impulse to pet my 7 year-old stereo when a good song comes on. we treat our gadgets as if they are our babies, and when they fall sick, we feel as if a part of us has been mortally wounded.
okay. maybe not.
this week is just a testament to how busy this next month can be. i was working 8 am - 11 pm everynight this week, and today i'll be going until dinner. i'm enjoying it, but a little daunted with all the stuff i have to do.
the odd part of this is that it reminds me of mit. at mit, we used to say, pick two out of the three: work, sleep, and friends. i was somehow able to get good quantities of all three, and chose mostly to skimp on the sleep when i had to. that's how i feel now. this weekend, i picked friends and suffered on work and sleep. i've never had to make a choice between those choices, but this term it really feels like i have to and i feel bad. i *have* to get my work done, and i *need* my sleep and personal time to stay sane, so i've been neglectful as a friend. i feel like i'm a bad friend, especially when ppl call me and i don't return their calls until weeks later. sometimes i even hit the "no" button because i don't have time to chat and this week i had to leave a friend in crisis because i had a paper due the next day. it's not a good feeling and it's definitely not something i'm used to doing or ever will feel good about doing.
so this is just a note to my good friends to tell them that i am profusely apologetic for being such a flake this term. i'm aware of it, and i feel terrible about it. i still care but i just don't have the time to express that i do.
damn. i'm a turd. and a tard.
if i can make it to november 13th (the day of my gre psychs, and after my thesis proposal is submitted, and my application to university of cambridge in england is due), i'm going to get really wasted that night.
actually, i think we're hosting a party that night. i'm going to be the most elated person there. until then, no drinky drinky for me.
alas, i'll have to miss the american idol auditions this year. too much to do for school, the stomach flu, and a friend visiting.
the only consolation factor is that i had friends who told me they honestly believed i could have made it far. i think that's more meaningful to me than actually auditioning.
i had a great weekend.
friday night, i stayed in the city and watched E.T. on big screen on the alta vista park to celebrate shirley's birfday. btw, i figured out that the alta vista park is where they filmed "wedding planner" when j. lo and matthew mcconaughey are dancing under the trees. then i went home and passed out.
yesterday, i went down to south bay early to see goonley, honeyfields, and ln m, and have dim sum and then went to a friend's wedding with chris. dim sum served to verify that i'm not the only student who is finding herself progressively more tard as the semester wears on. then came back up to the peninsula, and went to a stanford grad school party with goonley and chris.
stayed till 3:30, drove goonley home, then drove chris to the airport. walked in the door at 4:45, passed out.
a couple of things to note:
1. i still ate MORE dim sum than all three of you (regardless of what you say). and if it wasn't total quantity, my dim sum : body mass ratio was greater than all three of you. poor, poor showing my friends.
2. i really have become quite unintelligent with all this studying. yesterday, i found myself repeating to goonley things i had said three, four times over, and being completely incapable of remembering things that i ought to know. "wait. i introduced you two?"
3. a phd is a very serious matter. most of the ppl i met at the party were phd students and they all said the same thing -- it's a long haul, not sure i'd do it now. granted, most of them went straight through without having time to think about *what* they were doing. i suppose it only served to reinforce my desires to attend, because i know it's what i really want to do. even if i'll be poor, overworked, consumed, and increasingly more stupid with all the studying.
4. weddings are definitely a reflection of a couple's depth of love, and it's not reflected in where or how the wedding takes place. it is more found in the interactions of those present, and definitely how those present react to the couple. it's interesting.
5. it's sunday. that means the rest of the day if given to studying. sigh...