r e d.chilipepper

my first lesbian experience

i was a lesbian last night, for the first time. i have to admit it was fun, but i'm not quite sure i pulled it off:

sebby, ful, krazdaz, jerry, dylan and i headed down to south bay to play some speedring (not bad... i came in 5th, my first time. i cut off a couple of people, avoided some collisions and did some seriously crazy driving) and had dinner at cupertino village before heading off to dave and busters. sebby's sister came and joined us, and before long, she caught the attention of some decrepit old man who wanted to buy her a drink. she turned him down, and that should have been enough to send the message but he continued to stare at her and walk up to her, even when she ignored him. we were playing shuffleboard, and he even started talking to her while she didn't respond (what is it with men?). at some point, he came up to me and the dialogue ensued as follows:

odm (old decrepit man): that friend of yours, is she with any of the guys here? i really like her.
me: no, she's not with any of them. she's with me.
odm: what's her name?
me: she's with me.
odm: really, what's her name? i like her.
me: she's with me (adding em'-pha-sys to the sy'-la-buhl-z)
odm: you won't tell me her name?
me: look, she's with me.
odm: (gets this look of "oohhh" and mouths the word ohhh...)
me: and i'd appreciate it if you'd stop hitting on my girlfriend.
odm: (starts to walk away) ohh. that's how it is?
me: yes. please leave her alone before i have to call someone over.
odm: (starts backing away with this confused look, and leaves).

a few minutes pass. he comes back and is staring at her again. i'm sitting in a seat. i get up out of my seat, raise my arms in a what-the-hell gesture. he sees me, nods his head in recognition that i am the alpha-female and this is my territory. then, he turns and bolts.

i loved it. i'm obnoxious, i know. but really, what do you have to do to get rid of an old, dirty, bastard? (in the words of dylan).

cliques, crowds, best friends, etc.

two weeks ago in class, we were studying adolescent social structures in my grad class. it's pretty wonderful being a graduate student in psychology; you get to study things that you experienced or will experience, and you also get to study things that are tangible. got neuroses? just whip out your abnormal psychology text or your dsm-iv and you'll have these people pinned down to the "t".

the problem with that, however, is that you end up seeing your life in terms of psychology modules. i'm made up of my developmental identity, autonomy, friendships, self-efficacy, parental relationships, and socioeconomic and cultural influences. figure those out and you pretty much have me demystified.

in any case, our conversation in class about peers and their influences started me thinking about my peers. namely, the friends from elementary school up until today that i have made, and continue to make. what type of person i am as a friend, and the individuals i seek (both romantically and platonically) to fill my life, and what type of people i find myself avoiding. here are some of my metacognitions regarding les amities:

contrary to what most people might believe, i am actually an introvert. although i enjoy getting to know people, i don't like large crowds, i don't blend in well at large, overly-social, corporate environments. i can't talk to everyone and anyone. i often find myself fighting for engaging conversation topics. i don't like being interrupted on the plane when i'm reading in my own privacy, and sometimes i actually find it jarring to be engaged in a conversation in public with a total stranger. after several days of being social, i often find the need to lock myself away and be alone. i enjoy solitary evenings at home with a book or my paints, and i really don't enjoy rowdy crowds.

but, i do think i have a lot of friends. i'm not a networker or a social pusher. i don't get to know you just for the benefit of having you as a contact or being able to use you down the line. i despise people who do that, and make a point of staying as far away from them as possible. i have a lot of friends because i sincerely care about the welfare of others, and am interested in getting to know them. i like to help people out if i can, and in return, i feel that i have something to share and learn from everyone i meet.

on that line, i consider myself to only be close with about a handful of the people i know. with the exception of a few, most of them don't live here, and that makes maintaining the friendship difficult. like beckfat, i see them maybe only a few times a year, and a bi-monthly phone call or email is considered a luxury if our schedules permit even that. it does seem weird to me at times -- that i can know a lot of people, but only feel that a handful or so are very significant to me because they really understand me and know how i tick.

there is no commonality between this group. their personalities run the gamut, as do their interests, and they come from very different walks of life: lawyers, programmers, phd students, business, medicine. but i guess i'm not friends with them because of what they do or what they like, but more because of their qualities. most of these people are greatly understated individuals. you like them when you first meet them (or they frighten the bejeesus outta you), but they really have tremendous integrity, consideration and quality underneath it all. they give without you ever having to ask for anything and accept what you have to give without protest because they know it evens out in the end.

beckfat made the point this weekend that my friends all seem very different. she met dennis, one of my best friends from childhood, and sliu, a gem i fetched from an ex-boyfriend. true, they are all different. i can't really think of any superficial or simple way to describe how my friends would be similar. except of course, that they have me, and that i love them dearly, and that they are the best people to have as friends. i consider myself very lucky, for an introvert. i'm never really alone.

food coma

we ate a lot last night.

our fare:
20 lb. turkey with stuffing
mashed potatoes
two potato casseroles
creamed corn
greek salad
chinese sticky rice
sweet potato casserole
apple pie with ice cream
mung bean and barley soup
deviled eggs (honey mustard)
pumpkin dip with cookies
biscuits
szechuan green beans

i cooked from 10 am to 5 pm, ate for two hours, then cleaned from 8 till 11. got the chance to see some good friends, watch mean girls, and then i passed out at 11.

i never realized that cooking and cleaning could wipe you out like that. i slept a blissful 9 hours and then got up to go to the gym.

phenomenal holiday weekend had i. me loves me friends. hope everyone else had such a great thanksgiving, too.

holiday songs

i am one for holiday cheer. i make xmas cards for friends from scratch (that take me about 30 per card), i bake people holiday themed cookies. i like hosting holiday dinners.

but i do not like holiday songs on the radio 24/7.
i do not.
i do not.
i do not.

they could at least wait until december to start it. why they started last week, i don't know. but it's really annoying.

house of flying daggers

given the success of crouching tiger and hero, it looks as if another artistic-style martial arts moving is making its way to the us. the cast is not bad -- one of the hong kong four king's andy lau, who swept infernal affairs, takeshi kaneshiro, the half-japanese, half-taiwanese wunderkind who is currently one of the biggest heartthrobs in taiwan and is currently making his way over to the us film industry, and of course, the ever present, ever annoying, zhang zi yi.

thanks to krazdaz, i have the dvd. i watched about 20 minutes about it, and then had to switch it off.

i've said it before, and i'll say it again, i'm sick of zhang zi yi.

in the words of my roomie's friend, "she's the worst assassin ever. she gets typecasted as the rabid assassin who always fails, and is always screaming and flailing and getting smacked about. it's so annoying to see her fail. and it's even more annoying to see her play the same role over and over again."

in the words of my roomie's other friend, "i feel like she doesn't have much substenance or weight in her acting. not like maggie cheung in hero, who actually has a presence. she's just always fighting and throwing herself at people."

i agree. i'm really, really, really tired of seeing her on the screen. she is petulant, miserable as a fighting monstrosity, and moreover, her wails and screams are really pissing me off. we need to find another new generation kung-fu prodigy.

sick

the one bad thing about being a developmental psychologist is that you come into contact with kids, or your colleagues are constantly in contact with young children. these young children are nesting grounds for illnesses. they cultivate bacteria and germs and pass it on to you, an old, crummy, graduate student who is overworked and who has no immunity system due to total lack of sleep and exercise.

so i am sick. i have before me my panacea -- a box of benadryl, cranberry juice, and anna karenina. although it is 8:00, sleep beckons me, and i will soon obey it.

but before i do, some thoughts...

i was talking to a friend last night about religion. although i meditate and study zen with a si fu from the line of thich nhat hanh, i have never really thought to myself what it means to be buddhist. i really dislike dogma just for the sake of accepting what is given to me; i want to believe in things because they make sense in the context of how i view the world, and because they force open my limits of worldly comprehension.

that being said, i am buddhist. i believe that the true meaning of our existence extends beyond the ephemeral we see and taste, and there is a deeper consequence to all our actions than what will manifest in this lifetime, and that our sensations are painted in a veneer of false interpretation because of biases we have inherited and accepted. i believe in reincarnation. i believe that life continues beyond this state. i believe in free will. i believe in my owning the every consequence and event that occurs in my lifetime. i believe that suffering is inevitable, and that detachment from greed and selfish desires can help cure our pains.

despite this, i don't believe that we are condemned to lives of unhappiness and pain. my recognition of these verities have only bettered my ability to really experience all that surrounds me, and to help me better care for those around me, for their sake, and not for mine. it has also changed my definition of love completely from one that was very egocentric and stifling, to one that is more universal and encompassing. i think it has made me a better daughter, sister, psychologist, best friend, acquaintance, therapist.

so i think that is the essence of religion. it does not lie in the tenets you espouse, or the saints to whom you pray and offer food. the essence of religion lies in how it molds you so that you are better able to serve others, and also better able to love and accept yourself. because, really, without the ability to really love oneself, we're useless to the world.

*break*

that's enough philosophy. i'm going to take these two happy pink benadryl pills and passout. sweet dreams to me. and to all my friends. you guys are the best.

R. I. P.

we lost our baby dog last night.

nothing much i can say.

the morning after

well, i didn't get as sh*tfaced as i expected myself to. i'm actually fairly proud of the fact that i held down three mixed drinks, thanks to goonley, and a shot of this new fangled black vodka, called "blavoo" (my opinion: the stuff is sincerely heinous. stay away from it!) without waking up this morning completely hungover or completely regretful of my behavior last night. i guess i'm reaching that age when i'm learning how to be buzzed gracefully. my last birthday party shamed me into obedience, i guess.

the truth is, i should still be sleeping, but as you get older, i find that one's ability to sleep in decreases.

i had a great time celebrating the acceptance of my thesis and the fact that my gre psychologies are over. friends came far and wide to celebrate with me, toasted and congratulated me, and then danced and sang karaoke to me.

the best part of the entire night was that a graduate classmate and i were talking, when he suddenly said to me, "you have people who really care about you. you're lucky."

i looked around and smiled. he couldn't have been more right.

doll

this is me.

odd how component gifs can add up something that looks like me.

this is also me killing time. i don't want to study anymore!

wish me luck!

my gres are tomorrow :).

i want to kick booty!

最長的四年

當時﹐ 受到那一通電話﹐ 世界好像停了一秒。
雖然外面的雨下了重滿海﹐我心裡痛道不動。
我少了您是少了我最好的朋有﹐ 最相行我的人﹐永遠純在的安慰感﹐ 一個溫暖的
笑榮。
四年以來﹐ 我天天想著您。
我喜望如果您今天還在我生便﹐你會用驕傲的標情看著我。
情愛得阿媽﹐ 我愛你。

la fragrance de la musique

i love the french language. if only i could have spent more time there. perhaps, if i get into cambridge, i will find myself spending extended weekends in le louvre and la musee d'orsay. perhaps i'll find myself learning french the way i've always aspired to.

one of my favorite songs, aicha, is in french. it's sung by khaled, who is really magrehban, and not french.

on another note, goonley made me all paranoid that the oils from my hands will eat up my monitor so today i went and bought a monitor cleaning kit and a monitor shield. my professor walked in, took a look at me scrubbing the screen and asked me incredulously (in his texas accent), "What in the world are you doing? It's as if you're wiping the bottom of a baby."

I literally was. Now my screen is all protected. I love Hephaestus (yes, that is what I named Mr. Laptop).

anyhow, les mots du chanson sont ici:

Aïcha

Comme si j'n'existais pas
Elle est passee a cote de moi
Sans un regard, Reine de Sabbat
J'ai dit, Aicha, prends, tout est pour toi

Voici, les perles, les bijoux
Aussi, l'or autour de ton cou
Les fruits, bien murs au gout de miel
Ma vie, Aicha si tu m'aimes

J'irai a ton souffle nous mene
Dans les pays d'ivoire et d'ebene
J'effacerai tes larmes, tes peines
Rien n'est trop beau pour une si belle

Oooh ! Aicha, Aicha, ecoute-moi
Aicha, Aicha, t'en vas pas
Aicha, Aicha, regarde-moi
Aicha, Aicha, reponds-moi

Je dirai les mots des poemes
Je jouerai les musiques du ciel
Je prendrai les rayons du soleil
Pour eclairer tes yeux de reine

Oooh ! Aicha, Aicha, ecoute-moi
Aicha, Aicha, t'en vas pas

Elle a dit, garde tes tresors
Moi, je vaux mieux que tout ca
Des barreaux forts, des barreaux meme en or
Je veux les memes droits que toi
Et du respect pour chaque jour
Moi je ne veux que de l'amour

Aaaah !
Comme si j'n'existais pas
Elle est passee a cote de moi
Sans un regard, Reine de Sabbat
J'ai dit, Aicha, prends, tout est pour toi

Nbrik Aicha ou nmout allik [Je te veux Aicha et je meurs pour toi]
'Hhadi kisat hayaty oua habbi [Ceci est l'histoire de ma vie et de mon
amour]
Inti omri oua inti hayati [Tu es ma respiration et ma vie]
Tmanit niich maake ghir inti [J'ai envie de vivre avec toi et rien
qu'avec toi]

Lalala....lalala...

test

can anyone else read this, meaning, do they look like chinese characters or a random amalgamation of ascii text? and if so, are you using a chinese text converter?:

我很想念水胡平安感覺

fate's atonement

life seems to make things up to me pretty quickly. considering how heinous the first half of the week was, the later half presented some sweet gifts. they came in the form of:

1. finding out that physical therapy at school costs $20 a semester! i start tomorrow. running may happen sooner than i thought. perhaps, the run to the far side thanksgiving weekend.
2. handing in the final draft of my thesis proposal.
3. finishing a lecture on depression and suicide, a 20-page paper, and a 2-page paper.
4. a truly excellent weekend filled with taiwanese dinner, tea with sebby and christophe, a trip to see the incredibles, good friends, and some quality studying (7 hours).
5. the arrival of my bbc pride and prejudice dvd.
6. some kick ass conversations with my closest friends and meeting some new, high-quality people.
7. the completion of my grad school essay.

some scattered thoughts about the weekend:

as sliu said today, old friends are a remarkable thing. you both change, life hews and hones your emotional edges as it will, and yet over time, you can still understand how the other operates and interact as if there was no significant passage. those friendships are the best because you never need to worry about disappointing the other, or having to justify yourself to the other. the person just gets it.

in the asian culture, children are raised to worry about their appearance and how others will construe their actions. as a result, many of my asian friends and i have grown up defining ourselves by a fear of and sensitivity towards people's reactions. for some reason, i have finally come to realize that it doesn't really matter what some random chap on the street thinks. no one will accept me more than i accept myself, and there will always be someone else to accept me, so we all might as well learn that we're the sh*t as is (without being conceited) and stop assessing people's visceral responses toward our actions.

i enjoy nothing more than a lazy saturday afternoon in the book store and picking up a ridiculously snotty piece of classic literature. this week's procurement: anna karenina. i also enjoy nothing more than being able to shoot the sh*t with the people who work in the book store.

i need to stop cussing. it's really bad.

finally, i had this great realization that i'm going to be studying something really badass the next 7 years. and i'm going to get into a program. wherever i am, i fully expect people to come visit me. especially if i'm in england. there's no excuse not to punt the cam with me.

question

does anyone know what mysql uses - asp, php, xml? i need to know which to learn. pain in the butt.

oh good news via email this morning that put my heart to peace regarding monday night's fiasco:

05 November 2004

Thank you for sending your application for the above course. We will forward it to your intended Faculty or Department and let you know its decision as soon as possible.

What does "Probationary" in that context mean? damn british.

tgif

finally! this week is over.

things are looking up, today. i am handing in a final draft of my thesis, then i have physical therapy, so hopefully i can be up and running soon. i've faced the reality that i probably won't be able to do a marathon given the condition of my it bands, but with therapy, stretching, and proper weight lifting, i'll probably put down a half marathon early next year.

after that, i'm heading down south to see goonley et al., watch the incredibles, and have some taiwanese food. me excited :)

john kerry just conceded

this is a sick, sick world.

what are people thinking?

the week where all went to shit

has just started.

a recap of the last week:
1. family dog gets sick.
2. i blow my knee running and can barely walk. i can't even express what running means to me. and this week i've been the hobbit gimp.
3. the man at the post office sells me too little postage for my application and it gets returned to me today. it was due today. there goes my application to cambridge.
4. i faint in the middle of irving street in the sunset. basically, i crossed the street, got the corner, and collapsed.
5. professor at school decides that i need to make up work because i entered the program through a "back door." never mind that i did the work all last year.

i really don't like feeling this way but all i want to do is just cry. i'm so tired i can't even cry.

what a shitty ass week. and it's only monday.

the thing is, i know i have nothing to complain about. i have friends to take care of me, and the best family in the world. i just feel tired.