is cold and snowing. but that doesn't matter. i haven't emerged from my retreat since i arrived yesterday morning. i'm learning a bit of german, at least enough to tell you something simple about reincarnation and buddismus (as it is called here).
what have i learned? i don't even know how to put it in the real world context of what i see, but somehow i think it'll be put to good use when i go to school. we've been meditating, questioning ourselves about the meaning of existence, and today i gave a mini lesson on brain anatomy.
i like it here, but it's been intense. i miss home.
i went back to the old 'tute to see some friends, visit old professors and my advisor (the best advisor in the world), walk along the streets where i used to play as an underage drinker, and the firm. memories, memories, memories. some good, some bad. some that i didn't realize i had swept under the rug. some that were waiting to be called forth.
no matter what, i don't regret going there. of course, there are some days when i lament the fact that i lost the last few remaining years of my adolescence there, but most days, i realize it was a great place to be. i came to be there, and i met those who would accompany me along the path of coming to be.
boston is still the same, rushed, cold, harsh city. there's still salt on the ground that climbs up your pants via capillary action, and people still honk and scream at you, though they're the ones who can't drive. the big dig is leaking in places it shouldn't be, and parking is just as difficult to find as it always is. i still have my account and am amazed at how athena *always* has the same dank and wet smell. and though i don't recognize the faces anymore, the students in athena still look intensely frightened at what their compilers might tell them. not much has changed about boston, it seems, but maybe me.
everything familiar or not evoked a feeling within me that was attached to a memory about an experience. the firm provoked especially negative and anxious feelings. seeing friends brought forth especially sweet ones. i probably won't ever go back to boston, given that i'm inclined towards the west coast, but a part of it still feels like home. i guess it's where innocence was lost, but faith regained.
today. i am happy.
i am a finalist for the gates cambridge scholarship. microsoft rips me off, so i take their money.
heh heh.
boy and i had a funny conversation the other day:
me: oh god, i had the worst dream last night.
boy: yah? about what?
me: it was totally star trek blended into a half marathon. i dreamnt i was supposed to run a half marathon and was getting bussed over to the starting point, when bombs started falling.
boy: uhh.. yah?
me: yah and then these flying borgs started chasing us and taking people over.
boy: oh sh*t. is this star trek again?
me: you bet. so these borgs were not like the borgs in the next generation, because they had wings, and were flying after our bus. and when we got off of the bus, there were people who had become assimilated and were running all weird. the worst part is that they started chasing me. i was really, really scared. and they wanted to assimilate me and i was trying to get back to the base in time for...
boy: you are a nerd.
me: yah. and i even went to star trek conventions as a kid.
boy: this isn't helping things between us.
me: and i even went to a star trek party once a guinan.
boy: this isn't attractive at all, you know.
me: that's okay. can we watch all seven seasons sometime?
boy: no.
me: please?
boy: no.
me: it's interesting, i promise. data is hot, too.
boy: uhm. i probably wouldn't find him hot. but fine. i'll watch one star trek episode for every sopranos episode you watch.
me: deal.
boy: star trek. sheesh! you're a geek.
the world revolves around captain picard, i tell you. we almost all died the day he got assimilated.
it's cold here. really, really, cold. i think the west coast spoils you in more ways than one, but one of the most notable ways is that you lose tolerance for the cold. i went down to yale on friday to spend the day with beckfat and found myself incapable of dealing with the winds. i think i almost froze on one of the squares down on new haven.
so a couple of things:
i went to property class with beckfat. it was an interesting intellectual exercise for the day, and i especially missed the feeling of having a large group of classmates and being in the larger school environment. the discussion was on zoning, and while i enjoyed it, i discovered that i am probably not well suited for law school. i do not think my brain works the way law school would need it to; i can't think that logically. my brain is all over the place, thinking why, when, who, what, what if? psychology entertains those tangents. it's probably good i was dinged from all the schools. it would have been a repeat nightmare of mit again.
i have been thinking more and more about cambridge. how can i not go to cambridge university? it's one of those lifetime experiences i could never forgive myself for if i let it go. it's cambridge. it's by the river cam. it's 1.5 hours away from london and the key to the rest of europe. imagine weekends in paris. imagine studying by the river cam. imagine spending three years in one of the oldest, most beautiful, institutions in the world. and graduating with a doctorate before i was 30. ugh. this is killing me. i'm starting to think that even if i get into stanford, or northwestern (which have the best two programs for neurosci and clinical neurosci, respectively) that i just can't pass up cambridge.
it's the career vs. experience argument. i think cambridge has both. sigh...
what else? i've slept about 10 hours a day since i got home, and i've probably eaten more these past few days than i did during weeks at a time this term. my mom didn't like the idea that i resorted to eating balance bars three times a day, so she took me to costco and decided to fatten me up. as if i need fattening...
oh. and a question on love that i posed to goonley: is it ever worthwhile to be involved in a relationship that you suspect will end? when is now enough? and when must you think ahead?
i'm finally done.
i knew i was in for it when i got back from taiwan. i knew that when this term was finally over, i'd be exhausted but elated.
and today, at 4:43, i ordered my last gre score report, i was exhausted but elated. i'm leaving tomorrow for connecticut, where i won't have to deal with this crap for another 3, 4 weeks. i don't think i've worked this hard since mit.
going to celebrate tonight :)!
huh. boy and i were discussing these new anti-viral tissues from kleenex. the link above will give you an idea of the structure of these specially crafted three-layer tissues; a layer of anti-viral tissue is sandwiched between two normal layers of tissue.
we both agree that it's kind of a stupid idea. first of all, the virus will only get killed once your cold-ridden nastiness gets absorbed into the tissue. and the only reason you need to kill the virus on anything is if you are afraid you, or someone else, will come into contact with it again. but that's the point of tissues -- you use them and lose them, so unless you have some really sick fetish going on, why would you ever care about those tissues having to be viral free? also, even if you could use the tissue to clean your face, it's not as if it's killing the viruses ON your face, it's just killing the viruses that you wiped OFF your face once it gets onto the tissue. also, it's pretty well known that anti-viral and anti-bacterial products are bad for you, as it encourages those nasty little buggers to build immunity. in other words, they become more resistant to attempts to kill them.
people come up with really ridiculous ideas. i'm just glad i don't have to sit around and patent this bullshit anymore.
on the other hand, i still think that lotioned tissues are well worth their while. if you've ever had a really bad allergy season, or a cold you can't shake, you know that mr. nose really needs something soft and non-drying. it's just that this anti-viral crap seems useless to me.
last year, corinne quoted my definition of love. i thought it to be a fair one, until i heard this one, and now i am put to shame.
to my dear and loving husband, by anne bradstreet:
1 If ever two were one, then surely we.
2 If ever man were lov'd by wife, then thee.
3 If ever wife was happy in a man,
4 Compare with me, ye women, if you can.
5 I prize thy love more than whole Mines of gold
6 Or all the riches that the East doth hold.
7 My love is such that Rivers cannot quench,
8 Nor ought but love from thee give recompetence.
9 Thy love is such I can no way repay.
10 The heavens reward thee manifold, I pray.
11 Then while we live, in love let's so persever
12 That when we live no more, we may live ever.
boy and i were talking the other day about our the structure of our friendship networks. he has about 10 close friends, with whom there is an intensely close connection. if you are friends with boy, he will lay down his life for you. otherwise, he prefers not to waste his time with idle acquaintances.
we decided that i am different. as for me, i know many people and like many people, and can associate with many people. like boy, however, i don't think i have that intimate of a relationship with more than 7, or 8. and the reason why i am so close with them is because they just get my idiocy:
[12:08:PM] me: but admit it
[12:08:PM] me: you are funny
[12:09:PM] huru: yes. I think.
[12:10:PM] me: you think?
[12:10:PM] me: but not know?
[12:10:PM] me: to know is nothing
[12:10:PM] me: but to think is nothing either
[12:10:PM] me: what is either
[12:10:PM] me: without feeling
[12:10:PM] me: ?
[12:10:PM] huru: shut up
most people would read that and not get the humor in my ranting or raving. but those who do get why it's funny when i can't speak linearly or understand when i start brain farting. i quote goonley the other day, "you're not making any sense," to which i immediately responded by going to sleep.
everyone ought to have a reserve of these kinds of friends up their sleeves.
anyhow, this week is the last push. finishing my last 9 applications, grading 60 undergraduate papers, and finishing off a mammoth of a final examination. life is good.
NoMarriage.com - Majority of American women have Histrionic and Narcissistic disorders
i read this and laughed aloud for a good 5 minutes, despite the fact that i'm sick again and my head feels like it's in a vice. the reason i found this post?
it was in a reader's review of the book the rules. roomie and i were talking about funny xmas books to get ppl, and i suggested he get me this one, given my hysterically failing love life. here is the reader's review:
Personality disorders, November 23, 2004
Reviewer: J.J. - See all my reviews
The concepts behind The Rules explain why more than 50% of marriages in America are failure. The authors apparently mistook being rude as being interesting, and playing hard-to-get as being snobbish. Unfortunately, they did summon a flock of followers. Sad but true, women who suffer from personality disorders tend to buy in these Rules concepts. See more in the following link.
http://www.nomarriage.com/disorders.html
Overall, this book misleads women into thinking Mr. Right should be submissive and obsessive to them. In reality, quality men aren't like that. Successful men and women are too busy and occupied to deal with the immaturity in these rules. Playing hard to get is an art of seduction. Seduction techique varies depending on the individuals. It is far from prudent to name a set of rules for all. I recommend to bypass this illy written book.
**note: and in case you've never heard of this book, my fellow male readers, i'd highly recommend it. because if you find a woman who is playing these games, dump her b*tt asap.
now that i have my first acceptance on the table, my family is quite excited. the switch from engineering to law and to psychology was not well received a year and a half ago, by anyone. definitely not by me, or my family. but it was by my friends. i suppose sometimes that fearing hurt and failure for someone you love prevents you from allowing them to spread their wings. and when they finally do, you can put those concerns and worries down to embrace the future that they seek.
i am going somewhere next year. i have a school to go to, and i will get a doctorate degree. i can say that, but the magnitude of that statement hasn't hit me, and i am not sure that it necessarily needs to. it's just another degree, another transition. to me, the degree is just a means to help society in the way that i want to. i've found my place and i've achieved the ideal of loving what i do and finding completion and meaning in my work. what it means on paper or to someone who is impressed with prestige doesn't apply to me anymore.
lately, i've led myself into a situation that is making me question where the real lessons in life lie dormant: are they on a micro scale wherein an interaction with one person pushes you to explore depths of yourself you don't need to when you are focused on the macro aspects of life? or do you seek more global rewards, aim to affect the most number of people you can in a positive way and ignore the intimate revelations of a dyadic relationship?
i'm not sure. i've been so focused on the latter goal for a long time. i love psychology so much i've allowed it to accompany me in that quest. so now that i've emerged in an interaction that forces me to face the idea of incorporating someone else into my life, of considering his feelings, his needs, his fears, i find myself unsure and unfamiliar with the next course of action.
so, i find myself posing many questions to myself. not of what i can do for him, or what to say when we see each other, or how he feels, or if he really likes me. those are pithy concerns that don't concern me.
what it really comes down to is that micro and macro question. it's a decision i didn't plan on having to encounter, given my current preoccupation with my future. honestly, i do not know yet which will win.
go ahead. ask me why i'm so f*cking excited.
and i'll tell you:
i just got an informal acceptance email from cambridge university in england!
dance wif me, dance wif me.
:)
1. it is pretty damn cold in this city right now. 40 degrees. sheesh. east coast weather!
2. my feet are cold.
3. i am pretty clusterf*cked right now:
- conference proposal due friday
- presentation monday
- 10 page paper tuesday
- 25 page paper wednesday
- thesis human subjects proposal testing due
i should feel stressed. but i'm not. i'm weird. need sleep.
two days ago, i sent off stanford, duke, and university of florida, gainsville.
congratulate me!
i'm vouching for stanford. i want to stay out here...