i have 4 invites, one being used to create an email account for my blog.
write me if you want one. you're automatically promised one if you are a single, asian (preferably taiwanese) doctor (preferably radiology or dermatology because that'll mean you're not work obsessed) who is currently not nursing any wounds or harboring any hidden baggage from your past, in your late twenties/early thirties, a bearer of sensitivity, compassion, kindness and good sense. and secretly talented beyond immediately discernable recognition but too modest to admit that you are so.
hah. i'd have better luck trying to breed a green pig.
i had fun last night.
kwc, meta, honeyfields and ln m came over and hung out at my place after we all food coma'ed on some damn good bbq. the best part of the night was watching meta's face become increasingly more miserable with each mouthful. i shouldn't have laughed at her discomfort, but it was just too funny. unfortunately, we also all reaked of smoke for hours afterwards BUT that is besides the point.
we did have some interesting discussion, despite the fact that 2 / 5 of us passed out intermittently. for example, about how i am the most anal person when it comes down to my bed. which got me thinking. why am i so possessive about my bed?
i have really anal rules about my sleeping zone:
1. only a subset of about 5 people can sleep in my bed with me.
2. if someone sleeps with me, the sheets are changed afterwards. immediately.
3. sitting on my bed is not a welcome activity if you are not in the "bed sitting" clan.
4. if you sleep next to me and are not on the "bed sleeper" subset, i won't sleep the entire night. i'll probably spent the 8 hours scheming on how to get you innocently kicked out or just teeming at the fact that i have to stare at your head for that entire period of time. when i wake up the next morning, i'll probably know every line on your face better than you do. i will have grown to despise that furrow in your brow with an irrational hatred.
5. hotels are okay because i expect that the beds there have been shared. plus a hotel room isn't my personal, private "sleeping zone" so i am not as possessive over it.
6. if i am visiting you and i am sleeping in your bed, i'll experience the same inability to sleep. i will be grateful for your hosting of me, but i won't sleep well at all.
7. i never eat in my bed.
8. if you try to eat on my bed, i will beat you with a fork.
9. if you bring sand into my bed, you will never be welcome into my room unless you're in a bunny suit from some super clean fab.
10. men are particularly few in number on the "bed sleeping" list. in order to be on the list, you have to be a profoundly good friend and a safety friend. removal from the list is at my discretion. addition to the list is a tremendous compliment.
i should be glad i don't run my entire life this way.
demented or cool?
i feel like i've never stopped applying to schools.
this sentiment is probably due to the fact that it is mostly true. i've applied every year since 1996, when i first wrote that fateful essay that landed me at mit. every year after that, it was frantic job searches. then, in the last three years, i have twice applied to law school (thankfully unsuccessfully) and then to my master's program last year.
this year it's phd programs.
the contemplation of graduate school (beyond the master's i'm currently pursuing) has forced me to rethink a great deal this past year. i've had to reshuffle my priorities, question what it is i "really want" intellectually, professionally, personally, and idealistically, and forsake all the false and implanted ideas of what it is i've always thought i wanted or should want. fortunately, at the end of all that introspection has come the discovery of a path that i *truly* want to pursue, even if it's six years long, filled with skimpy monthly stipend checks, and endless clinical sessions and lab hours that could put my diligence at mit to shame.
i was a little scared when school started this term. there was a lot to tackle: research for, and actual completion of, applications, gre psychology exam, my master's thesis, counseling and training at the suicide hotline, the half marathon coming up next month, and the firm conviction that i still want to see my good friends. (some of you, like bkalram, may be wondering about the lack thereof of a pursuit of a man. hah! i can't fit it in. if he shows up, i'd gladly invest my heart and soul into him, but for now any excess time i have is going to sleep and family).
i'm excited. really, really excited. and this time, it's not excitement because i feel like i ought to be doing this (as with law school) or because i don't know what else to do with my life. it's because i can eat and breathe this (as i have in the past for hours and hours) and still feel like i want more. it's an addiction. i guess i've turned into the workaholic i never thought i'd be. but i guess that is what passion is. it drives you to do things you never imagine you would have done.
the only complaint i have is that these schools need to coordinate their application processes. it's a bit demented to have spent 6 hours this week and only filled out 3 applications. they're all asking for the same info -- name, address, bla bla bla -- but they make you type it over and over again. graduate phd programs need a clearinghouse like medical and business schools have. this is a waste of applicant's time.
i have 15 applications to complete. the grand list has been narrowed into some very nice choices. if only these schools would grow a brain and let us use a common app... blah.
what's all this crap about quentin tarantino presenting hero? why do we need his name plastered all over the movie trailers when he had nothing to do with the movie? he didn't direct it, write it, produce it. nada. what does it mean to "present"?
and why did it take over 2 years for the movie to get here?
that annoys me.
i was having a conversation with a good friend today when i asked him, "when am i ever normal?"
truth is, i'm not normal. i'm weird, twisted, happily demented, and 99% of the diagnoses discussed in my abnormal psychology course seemed to describe me to a dot.
so, i ask my good friends -- what is my "normal" behavior? is there even such a thing?
lately, the spam to my yahoo account has skyrocketed. it's not as if i ever use that address for any public services or accounts, but i keep getting spammed with ads for viagra and software.
no, i don't need viagra. stop sending it to me, you villainous bastards.
okay. in any case, i'm having a ridiculously good time at home. watched my brother complete his second marathon in pouring rain, saw two great great friends this weekend, are having three more drive down from boston to see me, and i've nursed our sweet little doggie back to health. oh. i've also spent 8 hours in the past two days watching korean soap operas.
messed up in the head, dude. those things really mess you up. they shoot all these ridiculous ideas of what love is supposed to be and you walk around all giddy and stuff until you become disillusioned realizing that those men in the tv shows don't really exist in real life. i mean, come on, who in real life can wear an orange and red sweater and still look hot?
i'd be better off buying viagra than buying that crap!
if i can ever get my copy of the alchemist back from the person who has it, i will read it once again thoroughly and deliberately.
there is a line in the book that says something along the lines of "if you truly desire something, the entire universe conspires to help you achieve it." i don't think i used to believe that; for the past few years, it felt like the universe was aspiring to directly contradict and rebel against me. mit and the two years after were basically a compounding of many icky, icky, things.
it takes a while to recover from all those things.
when you finally extricate yourself from the disappointment of the past and learn to accept the possibilities of the future, you see that things don't happen to damn your existence. i think it's taken me a ridiculous 25 years to realize this. even things that sometimes seem horrible really can have a pleasant outcome in the end.
lately, i have been reassessing my friendships.
i have never chosen my friends based on specific criteria, but there is a commonality among all the people i deem to be my dearest, closest friends. it has nothing to do with superficial things -- what they do, what they wear, what they are interested in, but more of an understanding and consideration we hold for each other.
at some point in time, you realize that there are people who have stood steadfastly next to you when you really need them, and have continued to show themselves as invested in caring for you and nothing more. and then you realize that those are the friendships that deserve your time and effort.
it's a weird paring down of your social network.
one of my close friends recently went through this as well. when you get busy, you are forced to allocate your time amongst fewer individuals and you choose more wisely.
so i'm rambling. but this week brought on a few events that made me decide to overhaul my social life and priorities. and though they might have been disappointing on first blush, they were fortuitous. they came at a time when i was feeling the need to reprioritize and to refocus my energies.
so it's good.
i'm off to santa cruz.
i'm having a great day.
1. the lawsuit never came to be.
2. our dog is out of the icu and waiting for me to come home next week. i love our dawg. he's my baby.
3. i passed on an mp3 of my singing to a friend who passed it on to some dude in the music industry. i guess he wants me to make a recording with him sometime. that, my friends, was weird.
4. i got invited to a special meeting at school for scholarship and fellowship applications. i guess because my gpa is high enough? (hah! that hasn't happened since i graduated from high school in '97. i think my gpa at mit at one point was half of a friend's gpa).
5. jp this morning used yoda talk with me. i was thrilled.
6. i just alphabetized my cds.
7. i did 7 hours of programming yesterday and coded up my research project.
8. i found a trainer to help me with my it band -- for free!
9. i get to see my high school physics teacher next week when i'm at home.
10. next week, i get to see tina and becky. then in october, i get to see monica. there's nothing better than seeing your best female friends.
12. jp and i finished off 20 dumplings last night.
13. i don't know. it's just a good day. let's hope it sticks.
good god. i will not be this bad.. or will i?
the succession of bad days recently is perturbing my zen-like tranquility.
1. my dog is dying.
2. a friend today told me off and said i wasn't worth his patience (in so many words).
3. i got stood up by a man. namely, the comcast man.
4. my ex roommate wants to get into court with my ex-landlord.
i deserve a chocolate cake. a BIG ASS chocolate cake.
i'm going to go cry now.
i can't pin yin for my life. but i'm a reborn lao tze. enjoy if you can decode
huang huin de yang guang
rang wo xing qing qing de piao
dang yue liang chu xien
wo deng tze ni li an wei wo wu nai de guan jue
bu zhe ru he ni wang de lai.
i didn't really go on vacation from my blog. because, well, in fact, i am back. full of thoughts. i want my female readers to chime in on these thoughts. well, my male friends are welcome, too.
lately, i have this feeling that one of my good friends is kind of falling for me. it's weird. i care a great deal for him; he's a good, solid friend. sensitive, caring, and very loyal. it's very endearing.
so i was talking to two female friends this weekend and we three were questioning: just what is too much and just what is enough? i mean, you can have crazy, wild, passionate love but no consistency, no reliability, no thoughtfulness. that's certainly not enough. one of my friends mentioned that she has the perfect paper boyfriend, but not the *oomph*. so, is the *oomph* really necessary? is it too idealistic to believe that a potential can simultaneously have the perfect qualities and share a potent *oomph*? because if it is too idealistic, i have been living a blindly romanticized travesty of real life. i've refrained from wasting my time on guys who were wonderful beings because they didn't have it all. so what we were questioning was this -- should we just have settled on the bare necessities when looking for a guy?
i believe there is an *it* for the major things in life -- our passions outside of work, the work to which we commit ourselves, and the people to which we devote our time. there's something that catches us in people, activities, work that make those endeavors particularly compelling and meaningful.
so i'm just blabbering here. i guess what i'm saying is that i want more than those bare necessities. and at the end of the day, even though i go back and forth, i like that i'm a dreamer (poke poke goonley) and that i strive for better and more fulfilling things. i'll stop seeking when it's right.
on another note, today i ran 6.5 miles. 1 hour, 10 minutes. the training has begun.
i rarely ever cuss on my blog. and i was going to take a hiatus from my blog.
but i had a fucking shitty day and i'm feeling pretty angry.
the only thing that makes me feel better is that they got a fucking awesome actor to play voldemort.
i love ralph fiennes.
and i hope my shitty ass day gets better now.
and i just got home. life is good. bob [dylan] is on the radio.
1. i found a list of all the schools to which i will be applying and 0 of them are in the bay area. well one is but i wouldn't go to that one even if i got in, so why bother applying? that means that there is no chance i'll be here next year. that means it will be adventures of rcp in... tennessee? st. louis? gainsville, florida? oxford, england? chicago? la (pronounced LAH)? geoh-gia?
i have no idea. it just won't be by the city by the bay.
that makes me sad. i wanted to move here for three years and it's been a wonderful year since i came here. i like life here... but somehow i know i wasn't meant to be here long term for now. maybe someday for fellowship or internship or a professor post. maybe i'll return here with the love of my life to really experience the full romanticism of this place.
2. i think i understand what it means to love someone.
3. i am lovable.
4. i am going on hiatus from the blog for a while again. my head has been crammed full with all sorts of interesting topics, but they are either of a too personal nature to disclose or i feel inept at my attempts to discuss them eloquently.
i'll return when my literary talents have decided to arise from the drought they are currently in.
note: this entry is a testament to my total inability to write like a normal human being. i sound like turd. cow turd, to be exact.