r e d.chilipepper

therapy or not?

today, i feel really evil.

a few days ago, i had friends talking to me left and right about their failed relationships and i snapped at one of them. he was telling me about how he feels that he can't be happy without love, that it is the one gaping hole in his existence. and until that hole is filled, he'll never be happy.

i lost it and snapped at him. i told him that staring at the holes obviously hasn't helped him, so he best get up and focus on other things. he is, afterall, really blessed. he has food to eat, friends to see, money to spend. i continued by saying that if what he has done isn't working, maybe it's time he accept that his single state is how things are and move on. hope, but not obsess. and then i told him that he had best work on himself more before looking outwards for satisfaction.

afterwards, i felt like a mean, mean woman.

so much for compassion. i have friends who are so patient and kind to me. they listen to me when i'm down. and in return, look what i do. i turn around and give a lethal dose of reality.

how am i going to be a clinical psychologist? how am i going to spend 40 hours a week listening to people's problems about their love life, work, job, weight, existential crises? i don't know if i really am as compassionate and caring as i think i am, or if i really have all that much patience for people's suffering as i'd like to think i do.

maybe, at the core of it, i'm really just not that good at listening and helping. maybe i just want to be an engineer and solve everyone's issues and think that i can fix things and that they ought to be done my way. but seriously, i feel terrible about snapping at that person.

i guess i just feel that we're tremendously grateful for having what we do, and we shouldn't be miserable that one piece of our lives hasn't fallen into place. it will, with time, when we are ready.

but in the meantime, goodness. did what i do make me a bad person? i feel so guilty.

ahhh. being asian sucks sometimes. i tell you, asian guilt is everywhere. others don't impose it on you and then you start imposing it on yourself.

something happier...

I am Mr Do. I am sedentary by nature, enjoying passive entertainment, eating when the mood takes me, and playing with my food. I try to avoid conflict, but when I'm angered, I can be a devil - if you force me to fight, I will crush you. With apples. What Video Game Character Are You?

settling down??!!

we're entering that age when people are starting to worry about settling down. everyone is thinking about marriage, about the next steps in their lives, finding the "one," not being alone anymore. right after we graduated, it was all about enjoying our youth and our friends, partying, being liberated from mit's hellish workload, being a young, working adult.

now we're entering our mid-twenties, and it's time for the next rite of passage. three friends have gotten engaged in the last three months. most of my im conversations are consumed by talks regarding the search of, or the loss of, love.

i hate this.

i hate how this society makes you feel half whole if you're not with someone. that you're an emotionally crippled being, a lonely and forlorn soul lost in the sea of romantically fortunate dyads. i hate that we're all so consumed with finding someone that it's the one solution to happiness. the panacea, the cure all. stupid ass magazines with headlines "how to grab his attention" or "how to win your man's heart."

is it really that formulaic? is it just that you pull all the right mechanical smiles, place ribbons strategically in your hair and flick it at the right time, stroke your left thigh and -bam- he'll come along and suddenly fall magically in love with you? i'm really tired of how there's this super emphasis placed on something that should be just another *component* of our existences.

i'm almost put off by this whole relationship thing. if it's supposed to be that painful, arduous, consuming, i don't want it. i'd rather just avoid it entirely and devote myself to more worthwhile pursuits. there are certainly plenty of people in this world who need tlc and aren't gnawing their limbs off in agony over it.

annoyed today? yes. i just can't see how something that is supposed to enrich and enliven us had turned into something to lament. if it's that bad, don't get involved at all. if you decide to be involved, be grateful you found someone to love.

pffbbt.

not clever

am i.

yesterday, i thought i was growing a ghetto booty. hot weather makes you feel paddy cakes, doesn't it? it's almost as if, for women, there is a linear correlation between temperature and our perceived weight.

so i went to the gym and did the workout i did a year ago, when i was training with stefan. at that point, stefan and i had been training for a year.

i did:
30 lunges with 20 lbs.
3 minutes of wall sits.
squats.
monkey jumps
single leg touchdown with 5 lbs.

when i was done and stretching, my legs were shaking so badly i could barely change into my shorts. when i woke up today, i swung my legs out of bed, stepped out and my knees buckled.

i feel over.

i am so clever. when i recovered, i realized that i missed hitting my head on the table by two inches.

all this *not* to have a ghetto booty.

anyhow, the family has changed their decision. we're going to tokyo and taipei in three weeks. i'm taking requests for funky shirts with mispelled words and ducks, gadgets from tokyo, dried mushrooms.

i'm just excited i get to see my "ah-gong" and my nephews. not to mention all the 10 million cousins and relatives i can't name, night markets, cheap street shopping, and coming back more fluent in taiwanese for a few days. i'm a-goin' home to my roots.

and on another good note, my thesis introduction won the overwhelming approval of everyone in the department. i got hooked up to do research with a professor at stanford, which is very good for the application, recommendation process. if all goes well, i may publish. things are going ridiculously well on the academic front, which is new to me considering the fact that i had to be resuscitated in my classes at mit by good friends.

when i grow up, i want to be...

last week, during a 4 mile run, i decided to think about the top few things i wanted to achieve by the time i died. the list has changed over the years, of course; when i was 14, i wanted to be a taiwanese pop singer. alas, those dreams have been dashed along with my american idol hopes, but as i've gotten older, i've become much more practical and realistic. so, here are my goals. some of them haven't changed in the last 10 years or so, and some of them have been achieved already (the numbers with a strike). i guess that's the best part of being human though (as is discussed in "waking life"); you never really have to stop changing and seeking better things. in any case, the following items are not in any particular order. some i would like to do more than others, but there's always time:

1. save someone's life
2. skydive
3. scuba dive
4. find a professional passion in life
5. find friends i think i'll have for a lifetime
6. fly a plane
7. understand my parents
8. visit every continent
9. speak 10 languages
10. learn how to play the guitar, piano, violin, cello (3/4 of the way through)
11. cut a demo tape with my own compositions
12. run a marathon
13. fall in love
14. take classes at le cordon bleu in paris
15. start a non-profit organization

pissed as all hell

damn. if i weren't so sick, i'd go upstairs and kick some serious ass.

my neighbors upstairs are unbelievably loud. elephants couldn't make as much noise as they do. they dropped something two nights ago at like 3 am and woke us all up. this is quite common for them. i hear evidence of their existence at least three times a day in the form of a *thud* or *thunk*.

just before, i was napping and they again dropped something so loud and so heavy that it seemed that the entire building was shaking (or at least my room). i thought we were having an earthquake so i got up, only to realize that it was those f*cking baffoons upstairs.

i'm serious annoyed. people need to learn how to walk normally. you're bipedal now, so that means you don't know to thump around on all fours. and if you're carrying things, there exists a benefit to putting them down lightly. i'm going to placate myself by going to sleep now before i lose control and go upstairs to unleash some angry asian mama yelling.

>_<.

wu jian dao

being sick and all, i've had nothing to do the past few days except sleep and eat. the sleeping part is great. i think i was awake for all of 5 hours yesterday. the eating part is not. i'm too hyper to just sit around. i'm experiencing urges to run around my apartment or do crunches. but, i'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, as evidenced by how sunday morning's run set me back to the condition i am in now. so, alas, no excessive movement.

as i haven't really had anything interesting happen in a few days, i thought i'd take a spin at writing a movie review, namely, Wu jian dao (2002), or infernal affairs in english. that is right, inFernal, not inTernal.

the chinese film industry and the media, as well as several of my asian friends, have been raving about this movie ever since it was released. the first one did so well that two (three?, not sure) sequels have already been released in the past two years. although hollywood has been considering buying the movie rights to remake it (as they did with the ring group and a few others), it hasn't been released here. according to andy lau (the main actor and another big hk pop star), it's because hollywood doesn't really have an interest in asian stars or asian men as heroes. their loss. the producers aren't sure they want to sell the rights to the movie to american studios. i can understand why.

in any case, i digress. i was mainly excited about the film because i love tony leung, the lead character in hero and chungking express. being as it is a cantonese movie, however, i wasn't very excited to have to expend the effort to read. i hate subtitles. i prefer to watch french movies without them, even if i only grasp 75% of the dialogue.

first bonus: there are mandarin voiceovers. in perfect mandarin. and it's not the annoyingly poor voiceovers. they match decently well.

second bonus: this movie is actually clever. you wonder how many renditions of spy vs. spy could possibly exist. when you watch this movie, you realize that you haven't exactly seen this plot before. the plot twists and turns, and i actually found myself confused a few times. you can't exactly predict how the movie'll end either, so you're never bored. granted, the technology in the movie is a little hokey. it will be for all mit people / tech-centric people. but it's still clever. and you're left wondering who the good guy is, or if the bad guy is really that bad.

third bonus: plenty of tony leung footage. i can't say enough about how this guy. someone needs to find me a man like him.

fourth bonus: acting. chinese actors sometimes have a penchant for either being too melodramatic, or bland. i've witnessed enough of these mistakes on soap operas with all the endless bawling or stone-faced jaw clenching. these guys get it right. there's no excessive agony, screaming, or tortured faces strewn about.
good casting.

so i'd recommend the movie. although action movies don't usually have clever plots, this one does. you can get the dvd in chinatown or it's probably downloadable somewhere from bit torrent. it's a good watch. nothing that will blow you out of the water, but something that'll entertain you and that you will need to watch again so that you can get all the details.

sigh. i love my tony leung. he's almost better than orlando.

the best of...

i'm going to make a list of all the things that kick serious butt. feel free to append, argue, disagree, or add your own. i just want to write them down before i become too senile to remember:

the best insults to call yourself when you've obviously done something idiotic:
dingbat
buttmunch
fartmonger
space cadette
fetid wombat
monkeybutt

the best tv shows *ever*:
quantum leap
mcguyver
star trek - the next generation
scrubs
simpsons
voltron

the best songs you never appreciated until years later (maybe partially due to the fact that you weren't alive when they were released):
the cure -- lullabye, pictures of you, love song
depeche mode -- violator album
stevie wonder (yah baby, take that) -- superstition, ribbon in the sky
beatles -- till there was you (and 10 million others)
buddy holly -- true love ways, everyday

the superhero/cartoon/tv character you always wanted to be until you realized that you didn't possess mutant capabilities:
kurt wagner -- damn, bamphing is so cool.
lionheart -- yah, the carebear. shut up, shut up! don't want to hear it.
cheetah -- thundercats, ho!
hong si fu -- chinese soap opera in 8th grade about a monk. yah, i actually wanted to be one for like 3 months. that explains my dementia.
doogie howser -- hence the medicine obsession.

the best childhood books:
interstellar pig -- if you haven't read it, you need to. this book kicks serious ass.
the tripod trilogy -- by christopher something.
katherine patterson -- anything. hence my love for melodrama.
d'auliare's greek mythology -- illustrated like your mom.
e.b. white -- god's gift to childhood literacy
a wrinkle in time -- madeleine l'engle (this series messed with my head)

the best fads you followed (worst in hindsight):
folding the hem of your pants over and folding them up so that your pants were forced to taper mc-hammer style
technicolor tshirts
slapstick bracelets
sugar sticks
those retarded games about who you were going to marry (yah, the ones where you listed 4 cars, 4 places to live in, 4 jobs, the number of kids, etc., and drew the circly thing to determine how many things you counted off)
notes and all the ridiculous ways you could fold them.

the best foods to eat once, and only once...
potato sticks -- the ones that came in a round container
a package of nerds at once
lemonheads
fireballs
lunchables -- ugh. the meat was always too wet.
the spreadable cheese and crackers with the dinky red stick spatula -- *shudder*

the best things to do when you were bored
mad libs
sierra the series' quest computer games (remember larry?)
atari -- remember trying to get the frog across the road? and space invaders?
learning how to type with software program that had the asteroids exploding each time you hit the right letter
learning how to reformat your mom's hard drive by typing "format c:*.*" and getting the living daylights chastised out of you
talking for hours with your best friend -- what did we talk about for hours?
sleepovers

icky wicky germs...

every few months, i get sick.

it's a lot less in frequency than when i was at mit and used to get sick almost every week. nowadays, illness attacks me in the weird form of a stomach flu, bug, whatever, during which i can't eat for a week or so. it kind of sucks, especially because i really love eating and also because i'm starting to train for the bay to breakers (it's only less than 1/3 of what meta ran, but considering that i was under the knife a few months ago, i'm proud of it). damn my stomach. maybe i should replace my intestinal tract with a rubber tube. it'd work better.

so anyhoo, this weekend, i went down to belmont to see a good friend of mine. we made dinner (dumplings, apple crisp, and had spinach and brie omelettes and french toast for bfast this morning,) watched some smallville.

so here is the main point of this entry: i spent today with another friend who is experiencing severe romantic difficulties, and this past week, i also saw two friends who are experiencing relationship troubles. as i sat there listening to them weave tales of heartbreak and woe, it made me wonder:

why?

if it's so painful, why do people get involved? just build yourself a cherry 2000 (if you get this reference, mad props), or buy a book. the book will entertain and educate you, will be by your side as you drift into sleep, and will never talk back. and it's a lot cheaper than an annoying significant other (hereafter referred to as S.O.)

okay. so for every happy couple i see amongst my friends, i see 10 unhappy, lonely, miserable, tormented people. 4 are suffering from an old heartbreak (of this we are all guilty, i am sure), 2 are dying of loneliness and solitude, and 3 are being driven apewall by their S.O. oh. and there's always a roaming casanova in that pile who is in a relationship just to be. likes the booty, the warm bed, whatever. doesn't need love, just a thumping heart and strong beer goggles.

i don't get it. maybe it's because i've been so determinedly single for so long that i forget how great it is to be committed to someone, or maybe it's because i've never been in love. i don't know what it's like to be completely enthralled and whole with someone else. but it just seems like relationships are damn hard, and for the majority of us with privately suffocating idiosyncracies, how in the jeebus do you find someone that even begins to be remotely compatible for you?

i have friends ask me this all the time. i don't know the answer. i don't know why it is that some people just miraculously find someone who is right for them. i don't know why it is that some people can always have someone there, while others are in a drought for years. it doesn't make sense to me, either, and i don't know how it works.

but this is what i figure: stop worrying about it.

go run a few miles, eat some ice cream. you can fix yourself, how you perform at work, how you score on an exam. you can change how you treat your friends, what kind of clothing you wear. for the most part, we have a considerable degree of control over our existence. but when it comes to love, sorry. we can't make things happen. we can't force ourselves to fall in love, and we can't make ourselves meet someone with whom it'll work.

full well knowing that we have so little control over this matter, we should just let it go to take its own course. if it's due, it'll come around. if not, oh well, it's not in your cards. just like it wasn't in your cards to be as hot as orlando bloom. and such is the way of life. it's neither fair nor unfair, it's just how it is.

thar. thar is my answer. dunno if it makes sense (maybe the bacteria from my stomach has worked its way into my head and i will soon die of stomach bacteria in the brain poisoning) because i'm kind of tired but yah, there's nothing else you can do about it. you can't lament the absence. and really, people do meet in the strangest occasions, when they least expect it, in the ways they least expected.

with that i'm going to shut up and stop preaching world happiness and fuzzy feelings. goodnight.

le dernier jour

today is the last day to sign up for bay to breakers at the discounted price.

sign up and run! or walk if you please... if i can do it, y'all should, as well.

the fragrance of lilies

when i came home from class today, i found a vase of perfect lilies placed strategically in the center of my desk, as well as a sheet of paper my friend had gotten for me about macs on sale at school. he remembered that my computer was broken and watched helplessly the other night as i screamed at excel and frowned viciously at the graph button.

i didn't ask him to do either, but he did it anyhow. he knows i've been too busy lately with work to even investigate getting a replacement for mini-pepper. so he did it for me.

i was struck immediately by his thoughtfulness and his consideration. but i guess all along i've always had amazing friends. i don't know what i do to deserve it, but their kindness often surprises and touches me.

i've had some pretty dark times the past few years since arriving at mit. it wasn't the best place for me, namely because i wasn't inherently cut out for engineering, and also because i already harbored obsessive compulsive tendencies that should not have been further encouraged. while there, i blindly fought my way through several years of difficult personal realizations, family illnesses and loss, hatred for the institute, loathing for pulse width modulation, fury at the endless snow and grey that blanketed cambridge, and utter frustration at everything that broke. it often felt like things were broken more quickly than i could fix them. i was the greek character who was condemned to push the rock to the top of the mountain, only to have it slide back down and run me over in the process. after many years of being conquered and not conquering, you grow complacent, tired, weary, down.

if you're unlucky, you fall into the masses of people who become overwhelmed by that feeling of helplessness and inability to overcome hardship, and you become depressed. studies show that people give in to depression, and in the worst cases, suicide, because they feel that they can't resolve the problems before them. studies also show that depression is becoming the number 1 cause of long term disability in the work force. *that* many people have succumbed to feelings of hopelessness and despair.

if you're lucky like i was, you have friends who follow you every step of the way, listen to you gripe, cry, whine, scream, struggle, fail, and still stand by you. the thing was, when i felt down, when i felt crushed, i never stopped to realize and appreciate everyone who was there, how close they were to me, and how steadfastly patient they were, regardless of how lost or insanely confused and sad i was. they were more steadfast for me than i was for myself.

i don't know why i'm saying this. maybe it was the flowers erik left. maybe it was the fact that we were studying peer relationships and emotional well-being in children today. maybe it was that dave, my best friend from 7th grade, sent me an email. we haven't spoken in a year, but he's still one of my best friends. i think that maybe, i just wanted to write it to remind myself of how completely, utterly, and totally blessed i am. i hope my friends realize i feel that way.

food coma

good lordy. we ate too much again. i'm growing that third trimester baby!

i once managed to convince a friend, for about 15 minutes, that a food coma was permanent. i convinced him that the glycemic index, when too high, causes one to momentarily lose oxygen and pass out. this short deprivation of oxygen to the brain can be fatal, and at times result in a permanent coma, thereafter referred to as a food coma.

i am evil.

i had a good weekend. erik came to visit from boston again and we spent the weekend running around. thursday was shopping and eating. a lot. friday was working in a cafe on this damn thesis, and dinner at brother's with jp, valente, and patti. we went and got drunk afterwards. more like, we went and got rcp drunk.

saturday, we got up to go to kabuki springs for a japanese shiatsu massage, missed goonley and meta for breakfast, and headed down to a very cold and cloudy santa cruz. and i mean cold. it was 50 degrees! we came up to koi palace for dinner (good food but quite expensive, not quite sure it is worth the price), then went clubbing at bliss, skylark, and end up. when i get drunk, i partake in bad behavior, as evidenced by the two guys who called and left messages on my answering machine today. **warning to you all**: DO NOT LET ME DRINK in the future. i don't dare fathom what i did to make them call, nor do i want to know. and let's leave it at that.

will i be calling them back? no. i get beer goggles when i'm drunk.

this am, we got up and met meta and goonley for dim sum. i've always liked meta very much, although i don't know her too well, but today i began to like her even more, as i have discovered in her a partner who enjoys tormenting goonley as much as i do but is far more successful at it than i am. the problem with my tormenting of friends/loved ones is that i'm horrible at it. i'm too nice for my own good, and rather playful and goofy and harmless in my humor. but meta feeds my will to fight back. she gives my combative side life, breathes sarcasm and wit into my mouth, and helps me retaliate for all the years of lost arguments imposed by goonley. (seriously, don't argue with him unless you're more stubborn than an angry asian mom. he's a tenacious thing when on a vendetta to prove himself right. note to goonley: i am intelligent, contrary to your beliefs =)!) we four walked around, got some boba, bought some dvds, and parted. it'll probably be three more months until i see them again, but it's always a pleasure to hang out with those two.

then erik and i shopped around, walked from masonic and geary's trader joes all the way back to my apartment and then here i am, finishing my report and getting ready to watch infernal affairs. it's got a few of my favorite actors: tony leung, a hong kong pop star/singer andy liu and of course, unintelligible mandarin. gotta love it.

i just have to say three things before signing off:
1) my new hair cut kicks butt because it defies gravity.

angle of incidence = f(time, quantity of hair clay, fidgeting, wind). right now, it's sticking straight up.

per meta and goonley's suggestion, tomorrow i will try to make horns on my forehead. the day after, i will become wolverine.

2) my brother is getting the m3 coupe. and i get to drive it. probably in an elementary school parking lot, no less, but i still get to drive it.

3) say "fuh." it sounds cool.

i need a new computer

mini-rcp died last night.

about four times in succession when i was working on a VERY important paper and figure for a research presentation later this month. the first time i wasn't so much bothered. but by the last time, i was almost screaming at the computer. i knew i had to restrain myself so i just went to bed and stopped working.

do people become more neurotic with age?

last month, i was trying to leave my apt to get some research data when i lost my keys. i searched for 45 minutes, was terribly late, and tried three sets of spares that didn't work. when i couldn't leave, i almost started crying. i wouldn't let myself do that so instead i ended up swearing at my couch. it was during the long string of profanities that i noticed my keys had slipped behind a cushion.

i think i'm becoming more crazy with age. half the time, i realize that i can handle things better (such as fat comment man) or the fact that i don't care as much what others think about me. the other half of the time, i erupt over things like lost keys and a crashing computer. where is the calm maturity that is supposed to come with age? what happened to the supposedly ability to better regulate ourselves?

i realized that i quit my supposed dream job a year ago. almost to the date, i stopped working and left what was a paved, easy, ideal career. and entered this phase of searching and seeking. i didna imagine i'd be here, one year later, or how this experience might have changed me.

why am i thinking of these things? well, lately, a few of my closer friends and i have discussed how we have changed over the last few years, especially since graduation. how the twenties have been a particularly tumultuous and confusing period of time, but how we have become increasingly more like the people we want to be over time. and i guess i remarked that two years ago, i never would have thought i'd have to courage to leave, move, rebuild, seek, and establish the way i have. i'm proud of myself.

but i'm more proud of the fact that i have friends who have supported me through this transition. my confusion has been very consuming and overwhelming at times, but they've always been there to talk or advice or commiserate with me, even when they were struggling and confused or occupied.

in any case, it's the one year anniversary of my new lease on life. and today i'd like to thank all the people who have helped me become what i am. this summer, when i mess up all the undergrads in my summer class as ta (and someday as a professor), be sure to know that you are partially, if not mostly, accountable for their academic demise. and for that, i thank you.

who's got my back?

meta wrote and goonley commented:

kwc blog: QotD: Food Babies

meta's comment made me laugh so hard i think the people in the cafe thought i was bipolar.

well, that is not to say that i'm not bipolar. =p.

yah so this chap may not be socially the brightest tool in the shed. i, admittedly, have commited a few social faux pas. i can forgive, but this was a bit egregious. in hindsight, i should have been livid. as in those looney toon cartoons when wild coyote's face turns red and steam starts rising from his head and you hear the horn tooting. it would have been funny had that happened, i promise you. maybe he would've gotten a clue. i should have then dropped an anvil on his head though, because IMMEDIATELY after he made that comment about my weight, he asked for a back massage.

i think i was still recovering from the lack of oxygen in my brain due to extreme shock and i managed a weak, "why? what have you done to deserve one?"
silence. elmer j. fudd was unhappy.
so i gently asked, "why are you upset?"
and fudd's response: "well, because i didn't think relationships were about tallying."

whoa. that was news to me. i didn't even realize that i had a boyfriend. so do i or don't i? i don't think so. but someone thinks i do. interesting.

the point of the matter is is that fudd isn't inherently evil. he and i are just different in what we seek and what we hope for. and definitely in what we see to be proper and improper.

on a closing note, i think i need to take lessons from meta on how to smack people back. i like her 'tude.

a little shocked

something happened today that was kind of shocking. maybe it's not that big of a deal, but i found it to be kind of shocking.

i was out on a date with a fellow and i mentioned to him that my goal is to try and eat more. i'm not thin, i've never been thin, but i'm very active and try to be very healthy. i'm happy that way. weight used to be more of a problem when i was in college but i've dropped a couple of sizes, and i've learned to accept what it is i am. after my surgery, though, the anesthesia got me so sick that i couldn't eat for weeks. i'd vomit up everything, including liquids, and get so weak i'd stay in bed. i'm eating better now, but calorie counts indicate that i'm around 800 calories per day. not enough for someone who runs several miles. and certainly not enough nutrients and vitamins to sustain a healthy lifestyle. it causes kidney problems when your glycemic index gets too low.

so i'm telling this guy this and he kind of does this derisive snort and says to me, "you're definitely not skinny, you don't need to eat anymore. i mean, you should just eat what you eat. you don't need more than that." all the while, he's kind of pointing at my belly.

uhhh.

okay. so i've been working a lot of my temper and it's improved dramatically. i was silent and didn't let myself get immediately upset. so i called one of my best friends to ask him if the statement was inappropriate. his opinion was that it probably wasn't intended the way it came out, but still wasn't quite tactful. and then i called another friend and this is what he emailed me a few minutes ago. i was extremely moved:

by william butler yeats:

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

for every idiot in the world who will tell you that you're a pudgy fartmonger, there will be someone else to remind you of what is beautiful, meaningful, right. what it means to hope for someone who will accept you and hold you in regard. it's moments like these that i can't believe i am so blessed to have the friends and people in my life that i do.

as for the overweight monger comment person, he didn't mean anything malicious. too bad for him, though. he doesn't get to have me. and in the process, he's missing out on all the f*ckin' amazing people i know. sucks to be an idiot.

brain dead

i'm about to die.

i've been working in my apartment since yesterday 10 am. i haven't left.

my accomplishments have included:
about 15 journal articles, each averaging 20 - 30 pages.
13 page paper.
2 page paper.
a problem set.

i enjoy being a student, i really do. i tell you, all this stuff beats reading 50 patents a week and writing rejection responses that i really don't care about. u.s.c. 102b or whatever just stopped being interesting after the 10th million time.

this weekend i decided that things finally were back on track to being good again. after i took out that nasty week and beat it to a pulp, life is good. i thank my friends and family for helping me haul through that and for listening to my emotional diarrhea, and the carton of breyer's vanilla ice cream with the real vanilla bean flecks for being my companion.

i've decided that i'm going to decorate my room in a deep burgundy. as for the hair color, i'm still polling.

4.4.04

isn't that cool?

okay. maybe not.

so i just spent two days writing a 13 page paper. i'm kind of proud of myself. that's a relatively high output. the paper is a pre-paper for my master's thesis, which is looking to be a monstrous project. if anyone knows 50 pregnant women (before 3rd trimester) who want to be studied, let me know.

this weekend was relatively uneventful; i'm trying to get my work done a week early so that i can entertain a friend from boston when he comes. i think he wants to go to sonoma county to drink up, and i'll take him to a spa to get the full treatment. i'm going to dye my hair this weekend, too. any suggestions for color?

good shiznit

i just have to say this:

i love new order's "bizarre love triangle." it's cheesy, 80s electronic pop, but i love it. and it's new order. makes you just want to get up and shake your ass, doesn't it?

well shake it baby. shake it like a polaroid picture.

the return of the [braver, bolder, wiser...] pepper

how anticlimatic.

it's better when viggo mortensen is on a poster somewhere, flanked by orlando (my love) and frodo. it's boring when i've returned. nobody is excited.

but it's april fool's day so i decided to post and come out of hiding. i remember april fool's day in 2nd grade. we'd fill those fake plastic calculators with water and when someone punched a button, they'd get squirted in the face with water. or those whoopie cushions. i used it once on a teacher and nearly got flamed.

this week has been kind of crappy. it's probably the second time i'll say this (the last time was august 2002) but if i could take this week and beat it severely, i would. when i was done, i'd beat it again until i mashed any karmic hope of reincarnation into nothingness. this week sucked.

on a bright note, i've been asked to ta several classes and to guest lecture this summer. one of the classes i might ta in the fall is a pretty big one. how funny. and to think i just started down this path less than a year ago and i'll be teaching the future of america about psychology. actually, that's not comforting.

but neither is the idea of my teaching someone about resistors and caps. i might be creating the next mosfetbomber or capacitorrist. except that i'm so bad at ee my students would probably blow up the circuit before it did anything terribly detrimental.

and now, i want to go on a litany about being asian. when i was younger, someone in a store once snapped at my father when he requested a receipt. those who know me well know that i have a fiery temper when disrespect is directed towards those i love. even as an 8 year old, i wanted to slap that nasty clerk back. and when livid, i certainly seem to be able to find the right words to scar. but my dad shot me the asian-disciplining-look-of-death and i withdrew back into my nice asian girl shell (wrapped nicely in a white dress with a yellow ribbon). i learned, through negative reinforcement and preventive chastising, to never speak up or fight back.

over the last few years, i've developed a healthy sense of when to object and retort, thanks to some very vocal and protective friends i have. yes, there were times during this learning process when my judgement was remiss, but i'm much better now. my idea of "bitching back" probably isn't that bad, but i'm readily adopting less tolerance for disrespect and rudeness.

sometimes people around me seem to think that they can smack me around. i smile a lot. i'm pretty laid back about most things (well, except to name a few, dirtiness, people sleeping in my bed, people touching my bed sheets, people ruining books... i'm really not anal, i promise!), i'm a daydreamer who walks into poles frequently. i giggle a lot and look innocent enough to have been mistaken for a 15 year old as of last weekend! but i tell you, i'm not a pushover and i'm not spineless. there resides within me, a real, strong, femme a jet li. the next time someone tries to bitch me out for reaching for a sponge that's located too high in a grocery store, there's gonna be hell to pay.