"the empty apartment"
so, other than things that are going to be picked up by people in the near future, and the clothing i need to survive for the next few days, my apartment is entirely, utterly empty. it's kind of a weird sensation. i haven't seen it that barren since two years ago, when catherine and i first moved in. i can still remember how much anticipation and anxiety there was when rob, jorge and i arrived. i was so excited to be starting at hale and dorr, so excited to be an independent adult, so excited to have my own apartment, to pay my own bills, to have to call and set up dsl and the telephone and electricty. so excited to fill my apartment up with new and fascinating things. and now it's empty.
and this time i suppose it's still anticipation, nonetheless, but it's different this time. it feels more serious, but more comfortable. less apprehension, i suppose.
i don't know. i think the nostalgia is really starting to set in. catherine, stan, erik and hua all gathered at my apartment a few nights ago to help me move my things into magda's place (i'm freeloading off of her shipment to sf). and i just stood there, watching them all bust their butts in helping me move and i felt really touched. i just don't know how i'm that fortunate to have good friends who are willing to help me, and now i'm going to be leaving them. granted, those types exist in sf, and i'm fortunate enough to be able to say that some of my best friends live in sf.. augh. i don't know. while erik and i were wrapping up a box, catherine came over and hugged me and said, "sawah.. please don't move." and i suddenly felt this overwhelming sense of sadness that i won't be able to go find beckfat for lunch randomly, or that i can't just watch cartoons with cat on saturday mornings. i guess change is always good, but this feels sad. i hate leaving people. blah.....
"i am a closet man"
i swear, i say the stupidest stuff ever. anyhow. update: packing. more packing. seeing friends. packing. moving stuff. can't see wha ti'm typing on this computer. sleeping very little. drinking too much. working out. moving. packing. throwing out useless junk. gosh i'm such a pack rat. i nevrer realized i was so uselessly materialistic. changing adress. changing phone. opening new bank account. saying goodbye to ex-boyfriend. seeing things for the last time. yes. that is me.
"the last days in boston..."
i have 5 more days in boston.
this feels surreal.
"the rule of ravioli and egg rolls"
so today, i'm going to tell you how it is.
i was in costco with my parents, perusing the isles, when it occurred to me that there exists this odd hierarchy in the costco/dim sum world. you have some people who just get shafted with the uninteresting foods: nobody wants to sell the veggie wieners or push the chicken feet cart or have the cow tripe stamp. no, those poor, poor souls get lost in the frenzy over the more desirable delicacies. neglected. they get... stand back! the UNWANTED foods!!!
and then you have those lucky few, those oft-envied, for example, at dim sum: the vendors with the dumplings, eternally crispy egg rolls, and the shao mai. those are always hot commodities. people are dying to get their stamps on the price cards. in costco, for example, you had the equivalent - the ravioli stand. it was swarming with people! people were grabbing for the wild mushroom ravioli like there was no tomorrow.
just feet away, the poor worchester sauce lady was all alone, lovingly gazing upon the worchester-flavored chicken that nobody cared about. nobody was smiling at her the way they were smiling at the ravioli men. nobody was competing for her attention.
she just stood there, alone with her poultry.
there is a huge injustice in the food world. *huge.*
sigh. the inequities of this world.
"signs of redpepper-ism"
rcp: i haven't heard good stuff about pravda. legolas isn't going to be there :-(
CatInBos:?!?!?? what does the elf have to do with this?
rcp: he's hot?
rcp: legolas is hot
rhubucket: but bow dude wears tights
rcp: bow dude has to wear tights. it's middle earth. and he's still hot.
rcp: whoa-errhh!
rcp: is a beijing whoa
rcp: whoa-yah! is a kung-fu whoa
rcp: why is this so funny and so not funny at the same time?
hucommastan: (no response)
rcp: TUVAC! the photonic cannon!!
catinbos: ??
rcp: hark! good! =)
beckfat: hark!
beckfat: hark hark!
rcp: i lost all the files on my c drive
beckfat: er?
beckfat: of your laptop?
beckfat: how did that happen
rcp: desktop
rcp: my profile was "corrupted"
rcp: maybe chow yun fat did something to it
beckfat: doh!
beckfat: did you download some chow yun fat?
rcp: no. chow yun fat was in a movie called the corruptor
rcp: =)
beckfat: oh
beckfat: doh!
beckfat: :-)
beckfat: they made up some tribe in the congo
beckfat: called the "mai mai"
rcp: really?
rcp: snarf!
edeutsch: thundercats, ho!
"athena% grep | unix defunct -wubu"
so i went to athena yesterday to print out stuff. nothing seems to beat mit's internet connection and those ultra fast computers. in any case, i'm sitting in the student center, and the printers are all jammed with these kids who are trying to print out an entire term's worth of problem sets and such. and so i'm trying to whip out my lpr and lpq prowess when i realize that i'm really lame! i've completely forgotten how to use athena. back in the days of yore, when i was still a young, buckling mit student, i could whip around commands like there was no tomorrow! and alas, now i have forgotten them all. seriously, it felt pathetic sitting there, not knowing how to queue things to other printers and remove this from that or copy files there from here.
anyhow, i had a very intense workout yesterday - 41 pushups (real ones) and 55 squat jumps. my body is really sore today, but i'm going to go for a run.
packing is going well.... just slowly. this is so surreal =)!
"a homer-esque doh"
ugh. i drank too much last night. i went to one of erik's co-worker's (qui s'appelle mouli) apartment on appleton street, and brought with me glen, mike and akhbar. and at first i thought i had actually improved my tolerance. the first quarter cup of red wine, more specifically shiraz, soon proved to me that that was not the case. and of course, by the time i had downed three more mixed drinks, all made with the nectar of the russians, vodka, i had really lost it. i managed to get into an extremely philosophical conversation with one fellow in french. we were talking about the meaning of life. and then somehow, another fellow told me about what it was like for him to be suicidal. amongst all these incredibly emotional conversations, i met these two extremely nifty women, managed to do some pretty scandalous dancing, and serenaded some people. all with songs not native to my own culture: loch lomond and danny boy. curse that harvard muse, james fisher, curse him! or curse stan, for bringing him to me!
okay. so that was last night. i staggered home a late hour, and am up quite early today. my computer crashed the other day. i was burning one of the MILLION cds erik wants me to burn when everything froze. my best friend, ctrl-alt-delete, didn't work, so i had to manually restart the computer and when i did so, windows so kindly informed me that my profile had been corrupted! good heavens! the nerve! goonley even more kindly informed me that files are not really lost and i was able to locate everything in the "my documents" directory. i copied them over to the temporary profile i was using, just to have ease of accessibility and when i turned on my computer yesterday, they were all gone! i couldn't find them anywhere on the c drive, there's nothing wrong with the hard disk, etc. they were just gone!
so let me really explain to you the full magnitude of what it means when your "my documents" folder is empty. it means that everything, all my recent documents, recent work, recent web work (and i hate recreating ps files), recent conversations with people, etc etc etc is lost. the best thing about this whole situation is that i didn't really get upset. i couldn't find the stuff and then i went back to sleep. i haven't thought about it since. heh! it's cool.
okay so here's the scoop on my schedule. i leave boston june 1st. won't move into my apartment until june 28th. i have a part time job. i have a class. i'm taking a chinese dance class for fun. i'm also volunteering at some youth clinics. if you want to reach me, cell phone will be best in the meantime.
the countdown to my leaving has begun. as has my stomach cramp. my hangovers are vicious now.
"of all the winged seraphs..."
uhmmm. yah. matrix was really intense. i don't think i understand it all. i probably need a few more bites before i can really digest the meaning of that movie.
but the *real* question is: who is sing ngai? i think i can still feel the palpitations in my heart.
whoa. i just discovered, looking at that imdb page, that he's a fellow taiwanese. i'm his. more so, he's mine.
"the evil green stuff... aka pollen"
i hate it. i sound like a man.
blah!
"uhhh.. can we say dumb?"
so not all lawyers are ridiculous. this one definitely is.
"la la laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"
haven't had enough yet?
okay. well i posted more of my mp3s under "interesting things." you're masochistic if you dare to go there!
=).
"early morning deliberations"
i had a crazy cab driver yesterday. his name was mac. i have no idea what i was doing in that cab, or why time seemed to pass so slowly when i was being transported from my apt to mit. it ought to be a 5 minute drive, and instead it seemed to last for 30. i don't know what he said to me, or why what he said struck such a deep chord within me, but i was crying by i reached 77 massachusetts ave. it was a really surreal experience. he was talking to me about the meaning of life, about finding oneself in this society, about being brave and having faith in my own convictions. all this, from a cab driver. and it was exactly what i needed to hear.
i went back to hale and dorr today to see some friends. each time i go back there, it only reaffirms that my decision to leave was a good one. i was liberated from the evil time sheet god.
and then tonight nance, huru and i went swing dancing. it made me realize that i'm very blessed to have some talents, and that i'm going to try and pick a few and get really good at them. that is one thing that definitely makes me happy. oh, i've also been reading light in august by william faulkner. the fellow is absolutely impossible in absalom, absalom, as i lay dying, and the sound and the fury but this book is actually manageable. on a random note, if you've never read interstellar pig, you are sorely missing an important chunk of your childhood.
"crazy japs..."
so i have a very good friend, who i'll affectionately call Sensei K, that i became friends with during mit. the guy is crazy (a good crazy of course -- ask him anything and he'll somehow know something about it), but i was fond of him enough to spend three weeks with him in europe and although he drove me crazy with his maps, i'd do it all over again. among other reasons why i think he's great is his sense of humor. i caught him online the other night and this is the conversation we had. it shows how ridiculous we are:
Me: why do you need a website
Me: i'm supposed to make one for some monks
Me: haha. that's gonna be funny.
Me: well i am unemployed...
Sensei K: a monk web site?
Me: =)
Me: yes
Me: i'm not kidding you
Sensei K: doesn't that increase their attachment to the physical world?
Me: a website for this zen monk
Sensei K: or is the internet sufficiently ethereal?
Me: well it increases their message to people?
Me: haha
Sensei K: if it's a zen monk, won't it be a bunch of koans that people can't understand anyway?
Me: you're ridiculous =).
Me: i guess it's this foundation some Taiwanese parents started in ct
Me: and they basically want to publicize his meditation session and post his public talks online
Sensei K: "and so wu-shu said 'what is the sound of TCP/IP over fiber?"
Me: so maybe if i make this website, i'll reach enlightenment
Me: it'll be like infinite good karma =p
Sensei K: "and so wu-shu made the link blink, and the students saw, then the did not see, then they saw"
Me: haha
Me: you're a dork.
Sensei K: you're the one making a web site for a monk
Me: but i appreciated that
Me: did you see xmen2?
Sensei K: yeah, x2 was good
Sensei K: should tide me over til matrix goodness
Me: i got opening night tix
Me: with matrix
Me: i'll make you a website
Sensei K: can you make me a web site that says "the imperial japanese hegemonists will rule over the formosans for ever and ever"
Me: i see that you are still as evil as ever
Me: only if you wear a red and white bandana wrapped around your head
Me: like i see all the japanese wear in the kung
fu movies
Sensei K: hmmm, it's in my blood
Me: right before they get their asses kicked by the chinese flying shaolin monks
Sensei K: silly propaganda to boost the Chinese spirit in the face of inevitable defeat
Sensei K: i actually don't really need a site per se, i was just tired of not having a Public directory anymore to upload stuff to
Me: oh so you send me in to do your dirty work?
Me: the time of japanese domination is no longer!
Me: the land of the rising sun does the rule as it once did
Sensei K: i can probably get away with just updating my MIT web site, but that feels so old
Sensei K: i don't want to look at that anymore
Me: oh .. it's like.. totally.. passe?
Sensei K: nah, just old
Sensei K: like, elizabeth taylor old
Me: well i think the simpler it is, the better it looks anyhow
Me: dude. that's bordering on ancient
Sensei K: i'm also debating playing blogging software
Me: ken, we graduated from mit two years ago
Me: isn't that messed?
Sensei K: just to understand the tech etter
Sensei K: we're old
Sensei K: not elizabeth taylor old, but we're old
Me: i have a blog
Sensei K: Moi-ing.com?
Me: it's pretty convenient
Me: where is kwc.org hosted?
Sensei K: on my computer
Sensei K: you're sucking up my bandwidth as we speak
Sensei K: Moi.blogspot.com?
Me: hrm... so as opposed to being a wrinkled prune, we're only dried raisin old?
"i am kurt vagggner.."
so, you all must go see xmen 2. it's amazing. i didn't mention how good it was, but i'll mention it again. xmen 2 is extremely well done, and the details all fall into place. great acting of course. and yes, hugh jackman is a god.
in any case, beckfat is hysterical. we have a tendency to make faces at each other, and yesterday she and i noticed that this habit of ours has started to create little lines. wrinkles! can you imagine? we're actually aging. so, in any case, we vowed to stop making faces and ended up pulling and stretching our faces for the rest of the night. i was tempted to slap some tape on her face to stretch her lines out.
anyhow, the weather is starting to improve. i love spring. everything blooms, happiness comes to fruition, and people are actually smiling.and to think, i'm gonna get 365 days of this in just a few months...
"return of the literary muse"
gosh. so here's the dilly:
dinged:
georgetown
uva
stanford
waitlisted:
hastings
davis
bus
no word:
ucla
so i don't know what the deal is with everyone sending out replies so late in the game. i suppose it can be construed to be a flattering thing - they didn't outright reject me, so i suppose it means i'm somewhat still in the game. and yes, it did take stanford 7 months to reject me as well. i can't say that i'm really upset about the outcome of this year's law school admission process. in a way, i feel like it might be a blessing if i don't go.
in any case, i just got back from a weeklong cruise to bermuda. it's a charming island, but i felt so guilty during the entire trip because i was a little internally consumed and did not interact as much with my family as i should have. i feel like there is such a maelstrom of thoughts fermenting in my mind - future, love, philosophy, the move, and these thoughts are so congested i didn't quite know how to articulate them in a cogent way to any of my family members. instead, i sat there silent for most of the trip, lost within my own mind. it wasn't really quite a proper way to spend vacation - the point is to *leave* behind your ruminations and worries, but in having time to think, i came to a few conclusions, i suppose. i just feel tremendous compunction at not really being *there* for my family.
i came back yesterday with a much aggravated tan, and got the chance to hang out with monica, peter and marla. it's always great to see monica. her friendship with me never seems to change. the dynamic is still there. and gosh, i guess i really do miss her. my friendship with her is also a blessing. i thought i wouldn't make any more close friends post-college. and in came monica-head and beckfat.
in any case, we had a pre-party at my place and then we went to beta for the alumni weekend party. now *that* was odd. when marla and monica first told me they wanted to go,i wasn't going to go, given my past history with some of the people there, but i sort of felt that it was one of those things that had to be put behind me. i don't want to be scared about things i did in the past, or feel bad about past transgressions. so i went, reintroduced myself to some people i haven't seen a while, saw some past friends who don't miss me much anymore, and spoke with ex-boy and his friend who has decided that i'm bad news. it didn't really hurt. it didn't really bring back nostalgia. i didn't feel scared or worried about what they thought. the whole night made me wonder if people really can heal and move on completely, or if they just seal the doors of their feelings shut so tightly that nothing can breathe life to those emotions again.
oh well. who knows. i'm going back to bed. i'm a little hungover.