"the insidiousness of fear"
so i was okay up until today and suddenly i'm having a panic attack about leaving my job, although i've known for a month i'm going to be unemployed and out of work and moving to san francisco and leaving my roommate and everything that is familiar and comfortable about my existence here. and i can tell how utterly unprepared i am by the fact that i'm so nervous and worried and confused and hesitant. and yet i want this.
poo! poo! poo!
yah. i need more sleep. good thing i didn't have cawfee this am.
"sleep deprivation and needing yummy in the tummy"
i've been staying up way too late recently. maybe too much dating. maybe too much thinking. i don't know =). i saw shaolin soccer last night and had banana flambe, all courtesy of a new mystery boy =p. it was good! i've never had a boy make me dessert, so i was flattered. so today, i am still sleep deprived, despite the fact that i know i need sleep and that i cannot function without it.
i decided to go to costa rica, primarily because i feel like i can't not go when i've made erik and shahma go, but also because i want some more down time away from boston and the voices around me telling me what i need to do. like i said, i'm going to make a concerted effort not to worry about things, not to plan, and not to be overly concerned with the whats, hows, and whys. just some downtime to be a nobody. i'm going to be in sf for april 12th weekend looking for apartments, and then i plan to be in boston for a month, doing absolutely nothing. it should be nice.
this is such a boring post. my apologies. i promise that with more sleep, i shall be more prolific.
"the noble eightfold path"
i spent this weekend in connecticut at another buddhism retreat, except that i brought beckfat home with me this time. we got back into boston this am at 8, and i'm pooped. basically, the stupid questions i'm asking hua about massachusetts' tax forms are a perfect testament to my sleep-deprived idiocy. in any case, it was so nice to go home and have beckfat there with me. i haven't brought many of my friends home, mostly because most of them aren't interested in coming home with me, but also because i don't feel close enough with many to have them come home, attend a very personal retreat with me, and meet everyone who i've grown up with. going home is such a personal experience for me, but it is so nice to be able to share it with her.
speaking of which, i think i'm going to miss beckfat alot when she leaves for yale and me for berkeley. sigh.. i sort of hate this friend leaving thing.
in any case, the retreat was good because it helped liberate me a little more. i'm extremely excited to be going to california. these classes look so nifty and i'm so excited about the opportunities there =).
other than that.. i don't know what to say. i hope everyone had a good weekend, despite the sad news that is being painted across headlines everywhere.
"purging regret"
yesterday, as i started purging my drawers and work folders at the firm, i felt this sudden sense of anger and sadness. as i studied each work folder to determine whether or not the application had been allowed, i realized that i've had 11 patents come to issuance in the year and a half that i've been here. that's a fair number, considering that the first six months on this job are supposed to be a period of inefficacy and disorientation.
i felt sad because i realized that i'm pretty capable at suceeding at patent law; i certainly have the ability to decipher the technical issues and can write well enough, i suppose, to sway examiners on their original viewpoints. but i'm leaving this profession, and all the stability that comes along with it, because of some disappointing experiences i've had to date in the field. i guess i felt a tremendous melange of emotions; i'm annoyed and sad that i have to leave this stability for something unknown, something completely foreign. i keep imagining how easy, how stable, it would have been if i had just loved my job, and loved what i did, and then i wouldn't have to be in this state of upheaval, moving and packing, trying to find a place to live in a completely foreign city.
i'm excited to be moving, no doubt; the transition to san francisco has been one that i have long desired. but at the same time, i covet and envy the comfort i am leaving behind, and am a bit resentful that i must leave it behind. i could have stayed, i suppose, but i was so unhappy and unfulfilled. and i just wonder how the situation might have differed if that unhappiness hadn't been nourished into being.
i suppose it doesn't really matter though to think like this, because it only effects fear and longing for things that are no longer. the truth is, i wasn't happy doing what i was doing. for whatever reason these feelings of dissatisfaction may have come to fruition, it's really moot. all that matters is that i was shown that law isn't really quite my field, and it directed me to embark upon a new journey. so maybe this is a sign that i'm meant to achieve greater aspirations, and i am accepting that as i plan to move and leave boston. it's just that sometimes, the solace of what is familiar, even if it's not exactly what we want, evokes a sense of regret and longing that can be a personal inhibition. i suppose, then, that throwing out my work files will mean more than just throwing out hours of notes and diligence; with them will go any regret and questioning i harbor within me.
"fear. disappointment. shame. war."
i can't believe this is happening. i don't want to overdramatize how i'm feeling; heaven knows i'm not the one in combat or making the sacrifices directly. it just bothers me so much.. the pictures of people barely old enough to drink cooped up in barracks, enveloped in chemical warfare attire, children crying as their parents board the planes. augh!!! so sad.
i don't think i'm going to go to costa rica. i'm not concerned for my safety, i just feel moral compunction in going.
"a discovery of sorts"
so once again, mother nature has decided to be benevolent, and has granted us a few days of lovely weather. from my office (which in a few days' time will no longer be my office), i can see the south end of boston, and the mountains that flank boston further down. it's a beautiful day; not a cloud in the sky, and the seagulls are swirling in rhythmic patterns around neighboring towers. i wish i could imbue this tranquility.
nance came over last night thai food and american idol (clay and reuben, i tell you), and as we were sitting there talking, in my living room, it really dawned on me that i'm leaving boston. i'm leaving the apartment with the bamboo couches on which i have reclined for almost two years, the comfortable gray carpet of my living room, the bay windows that look onto the prudential, my roommate, winter streets covered in snow and dirt. friends who frequently visit me and keep me company. i'm leaving a city where i've spent 6 years establishing relationships, retreading paths that lead to favored restaurants and settings of warm memories, creating a comfortable routine to nestle myself into, greeting faces that have long remembered who i am and where i have come from.
and as she was talking, i had this sudden sense of confusion wash over me. i am *so* excited to embark upon this next step in my life, to try a new career, try a new environment, meet new people, effect change, explore everything san francisco has to offer. and at the same time, i am *so* sad to be leaving everything i've created behind. some things, of course, aren't to be left behind; memories and friendships are sustainable from any location. but it's just an odd feeling of learning to detach myself from the familiarity i've taken for granted.
okay. i'll stop thinking about this before i depress someone. i'm excited, i'm happy =). don't think otherwise!
"hysterical"
this is funny. but in a way, it isn't really.
war bites. bush.. eh. i don't know what to think anymore.
"next?"
this weekend was crazy. i think i've been trying to fill my time with seeing everybody before i go... i just realized that i have two months until i am supposed to start classes at berkeley, and within that time, i'm probably going to be away in ct, nyc, and costa rica. i'm starting to get sad to leave boston. i mean, i really do love this city, and although change has been beckoning me for a while, i can't believe that it's actually happening.
anyhow, this weekend. saw chicago and had dinner at redbones with hua on friday night. saturday, finally returned some oversized sweaters at jcrew - i tell you, their sizes always run so large... either that or i'm shrinking. then met up with matt for coffee, then had a snack with grace, went to chinatown with eugene and kidnapped us some boba, and then peter and i hit up temple bar in cambridge. sunday morning, woke up a bit tired, had a voice lesson. the voice lesson was pretty cool because we recorded a song in one take, which adrian (my voice teacher) tells me is pretty rare. and it was a hard song to record too, because the jazz tempo was very lax and the music didn't provide many queues. oh... going on, i then went running (yay! the weather is finally improving), and then becky and stan met up for dinner and sneakers. sneakers, fyi, is the quintessential nerd movie. it's all about bits, math algorithms, hardcoding cryptography, women being able to milk nerds, and i guess, for stan at least, it's the movie where you get your quotes to sound cool. i didn't say that =P. seriously though, those two could probably quote that entire movie if left to their own devices.
which makes me wonder, how do people do that? i have a really good memory but i never seem to be able to remember quotes. porous brain, i suppose.
i decided what classes i am going to take at berkeley: spanish, immigrants in the united states, developmental psychology and clinical psychology. i've also started looking for work and found a few job postings related to troubled asian american youths in the bay area who need counseling and support. i plan to apply to those. i may also try to enroll in a cantonese language class, and perhaps drop the clinical psychology class... so besides that part, i've started looking for apartments. i found a few girls on craigslist who are looking for an apartment in pac heights, but through a ucsf website, i found postings for several really cheap places in inner sunset. i think it might be cool to live with some people who are going to school at ucsf or are already familiar with the area.
song of the day: now we are free, from gladiator.
"sick sick sick"
this is so sick how bored i am. i've now escalated up to multiple postings a day, as opposed to a month. i've never thought boredom could be this extreme... it festers like a bad disease.
i think maybe i should screw both psychology and law. i'll go be a monk. this world needs more women who can bust it.
"happy cheesy"
my friends *rock*. i can't believe how great everyone is being to me.
this is from maggie. it's very zen, methinks.
this is from tina. it's a bit weird - that whole asian song, anime thing, but it's interesting. i wouldn't exactly liken myself to a kitty cat who sells beer out of a box, but i guess it's all about hope, life, dreams, etc.
thanks maggie, tina and ellie. you guys are so nice =).
"boredom"
good lord. i am soooo bored. since quitting my job, i have had nothing to do and i'm running out of things to keep me occupied! someone, find me something to do!
"please, please mr. postman..."
i think this is really funny. so last year, i applied in late january and by early april i had heard from all law schools. this year, i applied in mid october and i still have not heard from some places. i wonder what that means =p.
so great, god of mail! bring me some news, and make it good!
"the prolific wu"
oh. grace and i have decided to write a book. ask me someday what it's about... we're going to write it under pen names.
"the unhappy belly"
nance and i went to rock bottom last night and i proceeded to get really sick from the food. don't go there!
in any case, i see ellie has posted a comments section on her website and it reminded me of the fact that a few weeks ago, i had been thinking of doing so as well. not that anyone would comment because my blogs are so boring, but anyhow i had gone to haloscan to investigate and found out that they aren't taking new accounts... so where, besides squawkbox, can one go to add comments? anybody know?
oh! if you have any advice on cross-country driving, lemme know. hua and i are thinking of a trip in may...
"the path to enlightenment"
at the risk of proselytizing you all, here are some very thoughtful, and wise, talks by thich nhat hanh.
perhaps someday when i reach enlightenment, shave my head, and embrace the ascetic lifestyle of a monk, i will come down and liberate all your sufferings. until then, i guess i'm condemned to my life of a pathetic wanderer =).
"a challenge to myself"
it occurred to me today, while having lunch with beckfat, that a tremendous number of people are unhappy. i see it everyday as i travel to work on the T; surrounding me are the masses of people far too often bleary-eyed, empty, and cold. perhaps not just cold physically, but internally it seems as if these people have been spiritually run into the ground.
even though i have myself been in a state of malaise, i do not understand why we, as a whole, are so discontent. we work in beautiful offices, tall buildings embellished with fine furniture. most of my fellow t-riders wear expensive jackets and suits, donne glitzy watches. and at the same time, i'd estimate that 75% of these morning rush hour compadres are also reading the bible or some self-help book. it seems as if this emptiness is pervasive and certainly not a rare phenomenon.
so then that leads me to believe that it is certainly not the materialistic things that bring us happiness. we're all seeking resolution, absolution, confirmation in some capacity, and it doesn't come in the concrete.
after i quit my job yesterday, i realized that yes, i am giving up stability, respect, prestige. but i'm also giving myself a new lease of life. i'm giving myself the opportunity to redefine what happiness means to me, in the context of who sarah wu is, and not what rcp the student, the achiever, is. when i get back from costa rica, i'm going to spend 30 days finding what it is that makes me happy. every single day, i will find a source of happiness, be it internal or external, and i'm going to post it up on my blog. i'm going to use my free time off from work as a reminder of all the basic things that bring me happiness, so that someday if i find myself misguided in a maelstrom of work, or devoid of the ability to hope, i'll look upon and bring myself back to the simpler joys of life.
so ... i don't know what to call it.. at the risk of sound cheesy, perhaps a quest for the spiritual grail, or something ridiculous like that.. =).
oh i need a new name. i'm going to change my name when i move to sf, methinks. i grow tired of being abraham's wife, the mother of all children. bla bla bla.
anyhow, long blog. this weekend tina was here again. i was very glad to see her, as she is one of the few female friends i can claim as true. we ate a good deal, drank more than we should have, and philosophized about life some more. i think i love that all my close female friends are so introspective and pensive. it gives me good insight on who i am, and who people in general are. i think they also help me aspire to be a better person. tina, for example, is so ridiculously benevolent and fair. i am a pontius pilate in virtue compared to her. i can go on and laud a few of the rest... marla's unceasing positivity, monica's enduring patience, beckfat's tenacious kindness, gwenyfar's dependable consistency. damn.. i guess i'm pretty lucky.
"insanity"
i just quit my job. yes, in this economy. i just quit my job.
i'm pretty damn scared.