yay!
i'm going to costa rica with shahma!
yay yay yay!
happy day!
"a reminder to self"
i think i like this poem. it is by the indian playright kalidasa:
Look to this day!
For it is life, the very life of life.
In its brief course lie all the verities And realities of your existence:
The bliss of growth,
The glory of action,
The splendor of beauty;
For yesterday is but a dream,
And tomorrow is only a vision;
But today, well lived, makes every
Yesterday a dream of happiness
And every tomorrow a vision of hope.
Look well, therefore, to this day.
"the perspective of confusion"
today i am thinking about how easy it is to convince oneself into thinking something, and then color life so that it only filters out that which supports and vindicates one's convictions, be them right or wrong. often times, it is our own defense mechanisms that create the bigotry and bias within us.
i think i admire abraham lincoln tremendously. he suffered through poverty, physical pain, rejection, and depression, and yet possessed such grace that he never loathed or criticized his own enemies, and he never made a decision without walking in the shoes of those who he affected. he faulted himself, and yet forgave others who erred in ways far worse. i think i'm going to read his biography.
gosh. i'm exhausted. i don't know what's wrong with me. i've been so tired lately... i've been sleeping, for sure, but i wake up each day feeling like i'm going to pass out any second. i think it's because i've just been so busy.
tina lai is in town. sometimes it amazes me the type of friends you can have. some friends require daily contact, daily communication. and when you don't see them for a few months, you feel like you hardly know the person. that there is a palpable change in how you interact and know that person. that they are foreign to you. and then there is someone like tina, who i can see once a year, and who seems to never change to me. for sure, she is changing, and she is evolving, and experiencing things everyday that make her a different person. but whenever we meet and speak, it is as if no time has lapsed, and we can pick up our friendship from whatever point we are in in our lives. i really cherish her as a friend.
and so i had a discussion the other day about love and this person pointed something out to me that i think i've always known but never realized. i supposed i have always existed in the asian plane of maximizing one's utility - the more, the better. the better name, the better. the more glitz, the more glamour, the more beauty, the better. and so i have always believed that people will exist trying to do nothing more than to achieve and obtain the best, the most. and i think i applied this to love, believing that when one finds someone, it is always because that person has the most of everything. but then this person pointed out to me that love isn't logical, it isn't a plug and chug formula where there is a linear magnification or quantification of one's qualities. it's not about having 10/10 of certain traits, and points that add up to necessarily mean love. i suppose it's irrational, illogical and completely mysterious and when we try and apply logic to it, it only breeds insecurity and difficulties within us. so i suppose we must all strive to believe that love doesn't happen because of the amounts of what you possess, but simply because you are a combination of a few miraculous traits that someone finds endearing. and, regardless of whether there is more this or that in someone else, it doesn't make you less special, less lovable, or less desirable. it just makes you who you are, which at the end of the day, is still someone who is loved.
this weekend = houston with monica.
oh what did we do? we shopped. ate at vietnamese, several cafes, studied alot (she studied anatomy and pharmacology and i studied for the patent bar). we went to some bars. watch yao ming kick shaq's butt (which is totally due since he made the stupidest, racist, most bigoted comment in the world. goes to proove you can have muscles but not muscles up top). oh yes. we shopped some more. i bought some clothing that i am not sure mater wu would approve of. what else did we do? we slept. more so, i slept. i ate a bag of goldfish. i hit on monica's friend. more so, he hit on me. he likes that i make bank. doctors? they're cool. i wouldn't mind marrying one. okay. thinking more. what did we do.... oh yes. we ate some more. we got lost because houston has so much freakin' construction. and the streets are way confusing. we talked about chongy chong chong's chinese chongery. and then we talked to some guy who is in a band called phuz but i'm not sure i like his music because his main lead singer's voice is a bit grating. then we talked. we talked a lot. philosophized. gosh monica thinks alot. well more so, i do and i propagate such behavior in her.
so basically, this weekend was filled with a lot of relaxing. not much touristy stuff. not much "oooh sarah is visiting let's run around." we basically did stuff that let me relax, and that was really good. i have been a bit run down of late.
and then.. monica and i talked some more. and she got me to admit what i sometimes don't want to admit outloud - that i still really, really miss the balding boy. sigh...
okay.
not only have i been financially extravagant, but i think i have been mentally prodigal of late.
i have been thinking a great deal.
the point is, is that i am not sure of what i want to do with my life. i know that this is natural, inevitable, normal for someone of my age. but for some reason, i feel that it is the worst thing that could possibly happen to me - the bane of my existence. i am not quite sure why it is this way. i should think that one's exploration of who they are or what they are suited for should be something that is exciting. afterall, one is opening oneself to a myriad number of experiences, ones that promise to be life-changing and enriching. the unknown may be frightening, it may be disappointing and there may be times when one finds himself in a situation of great dispair but isn't it something that we should embrace? and if we embrace our future with such a sense of trepidation and anxiety, what is the point of existence anyhow? i just realize that no matter what i do, even if i plan for everything, orchestrate my future down to a second, it might not necessarily turn out the way i envisioned. so isn't it better just to focus on what makes one feel satisfied now, and hope that the rest will unfold on its own accord?
i guess i am just saying that there is no need to feel so fearful and unhappy about the unknown. it can only hold disappointment if i expect it to.
today, i feel that i am prodigal.
i have been buying too much. why am i so prodigal?
i am frustrated with myself. i came home last night, took a look at my apartment and my bedroom and suddenly felt very annoyed at myself that i have accumulated so many material possessions. admittedly, most of them are things i do not need, and yet i do not know why i have gathered them over the years. a fleeting fancy that had to be met. lately, i have been purchasing a lot of clothing. i have never been one to buy expensive clothing, or large amounts of it, in the quest to satisfy my cravings a la mode, but i have been spending more lately. granted - i have lost weight lately. a great deal (not unhealthily, mind you) and while some may say to me, your newfound body deserves new clothing! it is a gift to yourself! there is plenty of "old" clothing in my drawers that i can wear. they may not look great on me, some of them hang actually, and some make me look like a clown, but they are still in good shape and i feel so extravagant to be purchasing new ones while the old ones sit there, in prime condition.
then it makes me stop and wonder if materialism is really a product of necessity (as i *have* to dress up for work) or if it is a necessity that we internally nurture and then propagate to others. i just wish i didn't need to buy more clothing.
i think i just realized that i have a few passions in my life. i love my family. i love my brother who just secured a condo in hell's kitchen. (yes!!!) i love people. i love seeing a smile light up on someone's face because i have made him / her happy. i love holding the hand of a fellow that i find charming and feeling the assuredness of his hand wrapped around mine. i love all the foreign languages i know and the second when i realize that i understand perfectly what that person is saying. i love singing because it is uplifting and i love how there is a little vibrato in my voice when i hold a note. i love my friends. i love that i can call shahma crying, laughing, snorting, singing, and he will always receive my calls. i love reading a book and being moved to tears because someone has the ability to wield words so deftly. i love the spring when i can go outside and run and feel my lungs burn.
there are a lot of good things that life brings us. sometimes the only person who needs reminding is ourself.
whoa!
this was a busy weekend.
saturday = north end, voice lesson (finished recording a song), dinner, shopping (lots of it), and jillians. i even tried dance revolution.
sunday = more sleep. more food, ice skating, movie with erik, grace, and rob, dinner in chinatown. don't see the mothman prophecies. it's eerie and there's no point to feed your mind with that junk.
okay so i'm just going to vent. i think it pisses me off when people i hardly know write me asking that i get them a job at my firm. i mean, i'd be happy to talk to them about what ip is like, what it is i do, but i hate it when they ask me to do stuff like that. i don't like vouching for people whose work i cannot comment on, and it makes me feel dishonest and pressured. it's not good for them or for me when i can't say much about them, or when i am forced into giving them a recommendation. does this make any sense? it just annoys me.
then again, i'm extremely tired today so if i'm sounding bitchy, just let it slide. i need sleep. if i don't get it, my brain goes haywire. i wish i hadn't seen that movie. i couldn't sleep last night. 'twas afraid of the mothman.
hallo!
the past few days have been happy days. ellie liang is in town, and i got to see her yesterday. roberto espinal is coming into town this weekend (my buddy from high school) then i get to go see monica next weekend (that is, if i don't get chosen for jury duty. why would they possibly want me anyhow? i'm the most unfair, biased, prejudiced human being around.) then.. tonight, i have swing dance lessons, and i suckered hua into going (heh heh), and then... i dunno. i think i'm just happy because, today and yesterday, the sun has been out. i think i definitely am a person who needs the sunshine - it just puts me in a much sweeter disposition. without it, i get cranky and unhappy. so today, i am happy =).
alas, i am getting sick. the hot water boiler in our apt hasn't been working and i've been taking freezing showers. i was chattering for a few minutes after. it's kind of disturbing when your towel is warmer than you are.
oh i found out that like 4 people i knew from high school are engaged. WHAT are people doing?
stan (huru) hu recently introduced me to googlism . basically you type in names, words, and they tell you what they have found:
sarah is very attractive
sarah is a beast (a beast???)
sarah is sexy
sarah is the real thing
sarah is awesome
sarah is motivated by compassion to do good deeds
sarah is so cute when she's drunk
wasai!!!