"the craziness of nyc"
this happened outside of my brother's apartment building yesterday morning. it was insane. police officers, detectives, reporters were everywhere. blood splatters were left on the ground. i was there. it totally blew my mind away. the thing was, it didn't feel real. when i emerged from the apartment building, it felt as if i was entering a movie set, or a twisted, hazy dream. i've just never been that close to anything like that. and i hope that i never will be again.
anyhow, so we moved into my brother's new apartment, unpacked, i set up the audio / visual system and the computer, and then i passed out. i was pretty tired. i did get a chance to relax at night with a friend, and we ended up seeing better luck tomorrow, and walking around union square for dinner. but not before we spent an hour at the times square toys r' us trying to name his nephew's new firefighter cabbage patch kid. btw, nyc is ridiculous. everything is made in huge glittering signs that cover the sidewalk and blind you. who even needs daylight if you've got *that* much synthetic light? the thing is, whoever put up the first lighted sign is a loser. once you put something like that up, it overshadows everything else, and forces your neighbors to also do so. soon, the entire place is covered by glittering signs, some which have to be made bigger to attract more attention and then you end up with times square. i mean, i think nyc is a really fun place to visit because it's so dynamic, there are so many people, and it's definitely got a palpable energy to it. but it's just so... excessive sometimes. it strikes me as a bit much.
in any case, back to the cabbage patch kid. i never realized how difficult names really are, and how combinations of seemingly benign words can sound ridiculous. we finally came up with a name, got the certificate and the prescription for tlc, and went off on our ways. btw, the cabbage patch kids these days are totally cool. they have really funky fros, new outfits, funky faces. the babies still have the cool smell, too.
as for better luck tomorrow. it's a very potent movie. and for those of you who don't know, it's based on a true story. see it. it had me shaking.
"i saw stan run"
i was going to entitled this blog, "run, stan, run!" but it's so contrite, overused, overdone. and me? i'm not a hackneyed person at all, so i can't use it :).
so stan ran the marathon yesterday and i went to cheer him on. in boston, it was a tad bit chilly but i guess yesterday's marathon was pretty nuts. it was really hot out at the start and people who usually did quite well, didn't do so spectacularly. people were suffering all over the place. i was surprised to hear that last year's winner, margaret okaya (sp?) didn't even place in the top two. i guess nobody was prepared for such a hot marathon monday after this winter's vicious cold. anyhow, i'm very proud of stan's accomplishments, despite the fact that he says his 3:01:xx is a pathetic time. uhh. if i ever ran that, it'd probably be when pigs fly.
anyhow, post dinner we went to east ocean city and celebrated with some major food eating. we had fish, sweet and sour pork, corn chicken soup, tons of rice, do miao, tofu, general gau's chicken.. the list goes on. stan hoarded the food, as he should have. as i sat there watching him, it made me wonder - what do people think when they are running for three hours? don't they mentally fester? and don't they die of hunger? i have to eat every two hours. i don't think i'd ever be able to run a marathon =). i'd die of starvation even before i made it halfway.
anyhow, so that's that. i'm preparing to go to bermuda this weekend and help my brother move to his new apt before that. maybe i'm just excited because i get to eat. lately, i've been consuming food like there's no tomorrow.
"ruminations on my life"
i returned from yet another meditation retreat in connecticut yesterday. i've been completely consumed by zen buddhism; it's all i read, and i see hues of it in how i speak, how i react, how i pursue my life now. although it has been difficult for me to change my old habits and face some of the harder questions, i realize that studying zen has caused a palpable change in my life for the better. sometimes i wonder where i would be if i hadn't pursued this path of living.
in any case, let's see. so i saw the balding doctor last week when i was in san francisco. it was an odd encounter, because i haven't seen him since september and some vicious fights have ensued since then. it's amazing how expectations, questions, and wonderment can give birth to completely distorted pictures in your mind. in any case, when i saw him (i called him to have tea. i decided it was time to put the past away), i didn't feel anything. for 7 months i had wondered what it would be like when i saw him, and when i finally did, i didn't feel anything. there he was, just another fellow in the world, someone i had once shared a cup of tea with. someone who had felt amusement at my quips. but there was no emotional connection to him.
the worst is what i said: "your hairline has receeded more." i couldn't think of anything else to say. (don't chastise me! it was an awkward moment!) we went to fillmore and he said what he had to say and i sat there for an hour, looking blankly at him, trying to pull some sort of attachment or feeling for him from within. by the end of it, i think i was more disconcerted at the lack of emotion i felt than the things he was saying.
so, that chapter of my life is closed. just like that. 7 months, some of it filled with sadness and hurt, washed away.
okay.. so then i got to meet a girl i was going to live with. she actually was quite cool, but after spending 10 hours with her apartment hunting, i suddenly realized that i wasn't sure i could commit to living two years with her, given the uncertainty of my situation. so i think she hates me now, and i feel sad but there really isn't anything i could do about it. oh well. so now i've decided for sure that i'm going to live with magda, a cool chick i met in costa rica on the mit alumni trip.
i think the biggest change that has come over me is that i'm so incredibly relaxed about things now. i don't get angry or worked up about things the way i used to, and i'm much happier this way. i'm probably going to get even worse when i move to san francisco because it's so chill out there. i just guess i decided i didn't want to be always worrying about where or how or what. it got too tiring and too taxing. so now i'm just living. it's nice.
"if you're going to san francisco... wear flowers in your hair..."
so i just came back from another trip to sf. i think i must fly more than anyone else who doesn't fly for business. next week i'm going to nyc. and then i'm going to go to bermuda from nyc. yes, i'm definitely spoiled. i've quit my job and am now spending my time, relaxing and enjoying the sights of the world.
in any case, this weekend's trip to sf was very interesting, if not tiring. i ran around the entire time, looking at apartments, seeing friends, and was able to get a better grasp of the city and the people with whom i might live. when i got in on friday, i went to maggie's place and walked around inner sunset looking for apartments. roger came into town and met me for dinner at kitaro sushi, and then we met up with yulan and dennis for dessert at a cute little place near 19th and moraga.
on saturday, i did more apartment hunting, and then maggie, marla, and amy and i went shoe shopping and shopping through macy's. jason and nikhil met up with us, and when it finally stopped raining (yay!!!) i went down to inner sunset and had dinner with davidz at house on 9th and irving, and then we had dessert at tart to tart. we then called up gwen and chatted for a few hours at canvas. i then went home and promptly passed out =).
sunday, more apartment hunting, then i went back to maggie's, and then had dinner at tempura house. then i met up with gwen and nitin for adaptation. *that* is an interesting movie. i liked the first 2/3 of the movie and then the last 1/3 was really cliched and a bit too predictable. it totally didn't jibe with the creativity of the first 2/3.
monday, did more shopping with maggie on haight and got crepes. she got this kickin' pair of boots from shoe biz... they had this really funky heel that thinned out and then got thicker at the base. it's amazing the stuff she can pull off. i guess i just don't have the bold attitude to wear really creative things like that. then i took the caltrain down to see chris snow and got to talk to vinod the entire way down on the phone. that rocked. i love that boy. chris made me dinner, we talked about life, and then we watched hero. his roomate andy made us martinis, and i got drunk. passed out =0.
tuesday morning, chris and i met cohene for breakfast at stacks and then i got on the plane... the ride back was insane. it took forever because our plane got stuck at minneapolis while a thunderstorm raged over us. it was a long wait, but there is something so powerful and calming about thunderstorms, and i watched as the lightning crashed about us. i almost liked being stuck there, because i got a fantastic view of the ominous, gray clouds and the thin, flashes of lightning that would light up the sky.
anyhow, i got home last night, called marsha and talked to her for an hour. passed out at 1:30 and got up at 11:30. i am the goddess of laziness =).
this is a boring entry. i'm a little too tired right now to be reflective about the weekend, so maybe i'll elaborate more at a later time. it was a very good trip; i learned a lot more about myself once again.
"a discourse on love"
is as follows...
watching you walk out of my life doesn't make me bitter or cynical about love. rather, it makes me realize that if i wanted so much to be with the wrong person, how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along.
"i imbued the tranquility.."
so i have returned, from costa rica! and goodness, it was an amazing trip. the rainforest, white and black sand beaches, scuba diving with coral reef, meeting new people, eating pinto gallo, learning a tad of spanish.
i arrived last saturday, the 29th of march in san jose. on sunday, the 30th, we went to selva bananito, an ecolodge smack dab in the middle of a caribbean rainforest. we spent the next few days in an electricity-less, internet-less, hot water-less refuge of nature, hiking, horseback riding, climbing trees, taking canopy tours, watching the stars, observing birds from lazy hammocks. at night, when the sun set at an early 5:30, we used gas lamps to guide us along rocky paths and were able to see stars we never knew existed. our cabins were unscreened and open to nature, so we were able to hear everything around us as we slept. when the birds awoke at 5 in the morning, we were called from our sleepy reveries by a cacaphony of twittering.
it's hard to describe the pervasive tranquility that surrounded me those few days, and how grounding it was to be so detached from the world.
after a few days there, jason, erik and i went to playa hermosa, a beach on the northwest corner. we spent a few days there lounging on the beach, scuba dived to a depth of 40 feet, and ate authentic costa rican food at a wonderful restaurant called pescado loco (crazy fish).
i was really sad yesterday to return to boston. i miss my friends here, and am looking forward to having some relaxation time, but truly enjoyed the relaxing calm of costa rica. as costa rica is so simple and relatively abject by the us standards, there is a simplicity engrained in the culture. no complication, no rushed obligations, no highly evolved mechanisms for existence; just slow moving nature and the basic enjoyment of one's surroundings.
okay, okay, enough before i make everyone jealous. i did manage to fall off of a galloping horse into a pile of cow excrement and i got whacked by an ortega plant. i have blisters all over my arm. so.. i guess that's what i had to pay for all that great relaxation =).