i had my first semi-breakdown yesterday. i've been holding up pretty well this year, considering how busy life has been since june. but the straw that broke the camel's back was that i didn't register for my half marathon. sure, i could run it bandit, but i guess i wanted the realness of it. i wanted a number, i wanted to officially finish.
i've been training for this half marathon since august. it's been a great goal because it provides structure to my life and forces me to set aside personal time on weekends. but i've been so busy with that signing up was an afterthought until tuesday night. i discovered at 2 am that the registrations had sold out.
i was so mad that i wanted to rip up my applications. throwing a fit isn't much fun when no one is around to witness it so i just sort of silently bitched off to meta and tried to sleep it off.
i know it's a really silly thing to be mad about. i can register for the 10k run to the far side and there are other marathons in the area i can run. but it was just something i didn't need to forget. just like i don't need to forget the word for stonehenge, or people's birthdays (especially when they fly up to the city to celebrate), or bills that have gone unpaid, or the fact that i have to hang up on people when they call because i'm too busy to talk. i also don't like that when i have a minute free, i don't know how to just sit and chill. i feel like i *have* to be doing something all the time.
i have always prided myself on being well balanced, and i think i've achieved that pretty consistently throughout my life. this term has been the first time when i've had to sacrifice friends for school, personal time for papers, and i really don't like that feeling. it just makes me wonder if it'll always be this way. if i'll have to pass dating by for work, friends for publications and so on...
it should get better, i hope, but yesterday, for the first time, i felt a serious anger at myself for doing this.
Posted by redchilipepper at October 21, 2004 09:29 AM