r e d.chilipepper

applications... again

i feel like i've never stopped applying to schools.

this sentiment is probably due to the fact that it is mostly true. i've applied every year since 1996, when i first wrote that fateful essay that landed me at mit. every year after that, it was frantic job searches. then, in the last three years, i have twice applied to law school (thankfully unsuccessfully) and then to my master's program last year.

this year it's phd programs.

the contemplation of graduate school (beyond the master's i'm currently pursuing) has forced me to rethink a great deal this past year. i've had to reshuffle my priorities, question what it is i "really want" intellectually, professionally, personally, and idealistically, and forsake all the false and implanted ideas of what it is i've always thought i wanted or should want. fortunately, at the end of all that introspection has come the discovery of a path that i *truly* want to pursue, even if it's six years long, filled with skimpy monthly stipend checks, and endless clinical sessions and lab hours that could put my diligence at mit to shame.

i was a little scared when school started this term. there was a lot to tackle: research for, and actual completion of, applications, gre psychology exam, my master's thesis, counseling and training at the suicide hotline, the half marathon coming up next month, and the firm conviction that i still want to see my good friends. (some of you, like bkalram, may be wondering about the lack thereof of a pursuit of a man. hah! i can't fit it in. if he shows up, i'd gladly invest my heart and soul into him, but for now any excess time i have is going to sleep and family).

i'm excited. really, really excited. and this time, it's not excitement because i feel like i ought to be doing this (as with law school) or because i don't know what else to do with my life. it's because i can eat and breathe this (as i have in the past for hours and hours) and still feel like i want more. it's an addiction. i guess i've turned into the workaholic i never thought i'd be. but i guess that is what passion is. it drives you to do things you never imagine you would have done.

the only complaint i have is that these schools need to coordinate their application processes. it's a bit demented to have spent 6 hours this week and only filled out 3 applications. they're all asking for the same info -- name, address, bla bla bla -- but they make you type it over and over again. graduate phd programs need a clearinghouse like medical and business schools have. this is a waste of applicant's time.

i have 15 applications to complete. the grand list has been narrowed into some very nice choices. if only these schools would grow a brain and let us use a common app... blah.