r e d.chilipepper

i need a new computer

mini-rcp died last night.

about four times in succession when i was working on a VERY important paper and figure for a research presentation later this month. the first time i wasn't so much bothered. but by the last time, i was almost screaming at the computer. i knew i had to restrain myself so i just went to bed and stopped working.

do people become more neurotic with age?

last month, i was trying to leave my apt to get some research data when i lost my keys. i searched for 45 minutes, was terribly late, and tried three sets of spares that didn't work. when i couldn't leave, i almost started crying. i wouldn't let myself do that so instead i ended up swearing at my couch. it was during the long string of profanities that i noticed my keys had slipped behind a cushion.

i think i'm becoming more crazy with age. half the time, i realize that i can handle things better (such as fat comment man) or the fact that i don't care as much what others think about me. the other half of the time, i erupt over things like lost keys and a crashing computer. where is the calm maturity that is supposed to come with age? what happened to the supposedly ability to better regulate ourselves?

i realized that i quit my supposed dream job a year ago. almost to the date, i stopped working and left what was a paved, easy, ideal career. and entered this phase of searching and seeking. i didna imagine i'd be here, one year later, or how this experience might have changed me.

why am i thinking of these things? well, lately, a few of my closer friends and i have discussed how we have changed over the last few years, especially since graduation. how the twenties have been a particularly tumultuous and confusing period of time, but how we have become increasingly more like the people we want to be over time. and i guess i remarked that two years ago, i never would have thought i'd have to courage to leave, move, rebuild, seek, and establish the way i have. i'm proud of myself.

but i'm more proud of the fact that i have friends who have supported me through this transition. my confusion has been very consuming and overwhelming at times, but they've always been there to talk or advice or commiserate with me, even when they were struggling and confused or occupied.

in any case, it's the one year anniversary of my new lease on life. and today i'd like to thank all the people who have helped me become what i am. this summer, when i mess up all the undergrads in my summer class as ta (and someday as a professor), be sure to know that you are partially, if not mostly, accountable for their academic demise. and for that, i thank you.