there's something wonderful about having time to lie in bed and do nothing. first, you explore depths of your mind that you never realized existed. then you find yourself tracing the threads of your bedspread through suddenly intricate patterns. cloth becomes compelling and fascinating and strangely enigmatic. just how do they make these patterns? and you form a new appreciation of those darn cotton commercials with pliably odd dancing ladies. you drift lovingly in and out of sleep, and like time lapse photography, the sun moves speedily across your day and illuminates stretched patterns of stars and leaves on the carpet. boredom can be magical, if you know where to let your mind reside.
if you are me, you get to read long lost poetry from frost and write about random ponderings for the satisfaction of no one but yourself and a few ardent readers of aimless thoughts you expel.
and so today i'm going to expound with a litany on love. it was brought to my attention this weekend that i'm "fickle" with men. that declaration first made me laugh, and then it silenced me.
i may be fickle with careers, majors, my palate de l'heure, but i am most definitely not fickle with people. like everyone else, i'm seeking something meaningful, poignant, significant. i meandered through many careers until i found a field that meant something to me. before that, i was lost in a maelstrom of possibilities. with people, i'd like to consider myself a steadfast and loyal friend, a sentimental being that clings to those she loves. but you see, with love it's no different as with my career. i'm not seeking the flavor of the month, a companion to eat dinner with me, someone for whom i'll serve as lovely arm candy. you can always find companionship, lips to kiss, hands to hold. but what meaning do those things hold if there is no strong foundation beneath?
i know exactly what i'm seeking. the secretive glance that moves the world. a silent moment that freezes your breathing and makes you feel suspended in happiness. the feeling that no one could commiserate more deeply and profoundly than the person who holds your hand.
the truth is, i'm a diehard romatnic and idealist. i know what i want and need in a person i'm going to be with. i could date in the meantime, and live through momentary and superficial relationships. but that kind of satisfaction would only last until i looked at myself in the mirror and felt the deception i was weaving for myself. so, i'm not fickle. i don't play with people's feelings. i'm seeking *him*. he's out there. i'm just going to keep myself patient, occupied and single until we find each other.
Posted by redchilipepper at February 9, 2004 11:05 PM