"not a happy pepper..."
tonight, i'm not happy. it's 2 am. i ought to be in bed. what is there to be unhappy about?
well perhaps i'm being petty. we've all known to be doing it. but, tonight i went to a party that i was invited to by my dear christophe. on the evite list, i saw that someone, let's call him bob, was going as well and a chill ran down my spine. bob introduced me to my *ex*. the *ex* who sometimes still makes me sad. not because i miss him, but because i miss the idea of him and because i miss the presence of a someone with whom i feel smitten and fulfilled. i'm stubborn. if i missed *him,* i long would have called him and made sure he had a part in my life. but instead, i think i've been left to miss the idea of a fellow who sort of captured and represented to me what i felt was falling in love. i don't think i've ever really fallen in love totally, but with him, i think it was by far the closest i've ever come to feeling that pure elation. i know when i really do fall in love, it'll be incomparable by any means. i'm still waiting for it to happen because i believe it will =).
in any case.... continuing. i saw bob at the party and he comes over and i'm like, wtf is he doing coming over? i haven't talked to him since he messed with a friend of mine he was dating and then started hitting on me. i shoulda known the *ex* was a bad idea if he was friends with bob. your friends say a lot about your character. anyhoo... thus ensues the conversation:
bob: so, how are you... -insert small talk here- . so... have you kept in touch with *ex*?
pepper: no. haven't talked to him. been really busy. (i said in a slightly friendly, but uninterested tone. okay. that signifies end of talking about ex. if you ask someone if they keep in touch with an ex and they say no, duh.. drop it.)
bob: oh yah i saw him last friday.
pepper: really? that's cool.
bob: yah we went karaoking. he's seeing this great girl.
pepper: oh. nice. i think i heard.
bob: yah she's really cool. i really like her. he's so happy with her. his life is great. he's got everything, because residency is much easier nowadays, plus the girl... (bla bla bla).
pepper: that's good. i'm happy for him.
bob: yah. he's really got it together.
pepper: (thinking.. shut the &*(&( up!) okay. cool. give him my best wishes.
bob: yah.. will do. hey - do you want to get together sometime?
okay.
rule 1 : don't talk to someone about their ex unless you're really good friends with him/her. and don't feel the need to rub their nose in it. you are entitled to want to see your friends happy, but not to make their ex's unhappy. that's just lame.
rule 2 : don't ask me to do something after you've just pulled crap like that. grow some nuts and try and learn some social etiquette.
rule 3 : stay away from me because if i ever see you again, i'm going to slap you silly.
man. that sounds so violent. i just didn't need to be told what i missed. what isn't mine. you might venture to say that i'm not over him. okay. you're entitled to feel that way. but i know it's not him. sometimes, when you lose an idea of what's perfect, you suffer more over the concept, than the actual loss. humans come and go, but those you've placed on pedestals become archetypes who always stay beautifully perfect, despite the glaring foibles you've had to polish off in your memory.
and tonight, i really didn't need bob to add in any more help in the polishing department. self-doubt wiped everything clean long before he did.
Posted by redchilipepper at October 19, 2003 02:15 AM