littlestar

new years haven't felt all that different from any other day for a while. maybe it's because i've been in school too long and i'm just going to see my life in terms of semesters.

i think part of it has to do with living in california for so long... the weather never really changes, so it never really hits me that it's a new year. it mostly feels like an arbitrarily set marker for when the calendar resets to january.

also... i'm not very big on resolutions. i tend to make resolutions throughout the year and try to keep them as best i can. and most of the ones that i come up with because it's a new year end up long forgotten, somewhere in the midst of all the craziness of life.

nonetheless, there are a couple resolutions that have been on my mind for a while, so i suppose i can just make them public for the new year instead:

1. i will try to clean up my language
2. i would like to rekindle my faith
3. i would like to learn how to keep my life better balanced

(more in extended)

1. i will try to clean up my language (again).
i actually successfully did this back in high school and didn't start cussing again until some time in the middle of cal when i was once again stressed out beyond belief. so i suppose it won't be that bad this time either, it will just take some practice.

bad language is something i've permitted myself as a stress releaser, but i would like to let go of that crutch now. it seemed as though the more i got stressed the fouler my mouth got --- clearly, i need a better system.

2. i would like to rekindle my faith.
it's slowly been happening. i think some of the raw feelings of hurt and betrayal have subsided as i learned better tools for coping and greater understanding for certain events in my life.

i've actually been enjoying going to my parents' church instead of feeling dread that i will be overwhelmed with emotions again. this is good.

i know it will be slow. the more stressed i get, the less i want to share with people... it gets to a point where i don't really trust how i feel about things, so i don't feel like saying it. or sometimes, i find people's strong reactions or lack of reactions taxing to deal with.

when i feel overwhelmed is when i tend to withdraw the most. i don't suppose that's the best solution... :P

(it sometimes works though, because by not spending time with others, i spend it with myself. of course, all that time to myself can either be a good or bad thing, depending on where that mood goes. so i guess i'll know whether this is a workable method or not over time.)

anyway... back to the faith thing. i would like to nurture it again. i used to talk to him all the time. discuss with him little things like the weather to big things like life decisions. somewhere along the line, in the confusion that resulted from certain things in my life in college, it kind of fell apart.

at first, i thought god had some great meaning for these things to happen. then i felt abandoned. then i felt angry at him for abandoning me. and i suppose i'd started to accept that he didn't really abandon me and accept what happened... but every once in a while, i'll get back to the abandoned and angry and accept cycle for a while, etc.

i guess that's reminiscent of the grief cycle. i always did forget what that those steps were.

sometimes, i want to give up. i feel like all this is such a struggle. trying to get into the art field feels so remote and unlikely. and to do it when all my relatives and family were against it, giving up something that i thought i really wanted to do for all my life. when i feel down, i question whether i really wanted to do art, or was it just an impulsive decision to abandon all the things that i found so painful in college.

when i get the most down, i wonder whether i just shouldn't have taken the easier/original path of going to med school and just finding a guy that i would get along with that wouldn't draw so many objections.

actually... in thinking back, i think part of feeling abandoned by god was that i was getting so many different messages from different people. and i couldn't tell which was what. my parents kept telling me that med school and a korean guy is what they wanted and that i should obey my parents is what god wanted. and though i don't really like that touchy word "obey" very much, i do acknowledge that god would be talking to me through people as well.

then i would take up that concern with the pastor and the pastor would tell me that if race was the only issue that my parents were wrong about the boy. but if that's true, then where are all the signs that say that this is the right thing? i really liked him, but there were all these difficulties, and i couldn't tell if the difficulties were things that i was supposed to work through or were deterrents that i'd ignored because i stubbornly wanted my way.

same thing applies to my career choice, too, actually. i'd really felt like god called me to go into medicine. then all these various things happened, and i wanted to switch to art. but was that switch because god wanted me to or because i wanted to? i firmly believe that god wants happiness for his children and he will call him there. but did he really guide me here or was it my own intentions?

my parents and relatives had a pow-wow with me trying to convince me one by one that i shouldn't go into this field. for me to ignore that... did that have to do with me shutting out god or was that following god's intentions? and certainly, there have been church people who were against it. but it's not like they themselves have jobs that could be said to do his work directly.

all these questions still remain and unanswered. and i suppose i'm feeling a desire for them to be answered finally. i want to know. i think it was accurate to say that i was afraid to know before because i might have to give up on things i wanted. but now i'm too tired for all that....i will open up the communication road with him once more. be it by reading scripture or attending church, i haven't really decided yet. and i will do as he wants me to do.

3. i would like to learn how to keep my life better balanced.
i've been trying and i keep failing. i always end up with a lot of things going on. it's hard not to because i want so many things. i honestly believe that if i were to live forever, i wouldn't ever be bored.

i want that contract with sandman.... where the guy doesn't have to die until he feels like he's ready to die?

then i could slow down... knowing that i would get to do all the cool things i want to do.

but right now... i feel like time is too limited and there is so much to do.

and i'm slow to learn that life is limited, so i shouldn't be always at my limits... because the rewards from being always on something feels so good. :P

but my body is slowly deteriorating and i keep getting more and more examples that i'm just not as sturdily built as other people. i leak sugar, so i'm quick to becoming hypoglycemic if i'm not good about eating. i'm sensitive to pretty much every chemical, it seems. and i get sick if i don't take care of myself.

i got sick no less than 5 times this past semester. most of those times towards the end, because i was pushing myself too much. for one of those, i was sick for about two weeks. i had to take a week off from school because i had a fever for 5 days.

and i guess that's just genetics because apparently i've been that way since birth. this winter, i found out from my mom that i used to get sick all the time as a baby. i'd been rushed to the emergency room more than once because of a bad fever in the middle of the night. and i know i was sick all the time as i was growing up and getting sent to school all the time.

which is weird, right? i mean, i was an active little kid too. when i say that i was a sickly kid, it doesn't mean i was pale and thin and asthmatic and couldn't be let out of the house. i was the kid that could beat all the other kids at basketball, handball, softball, etc and then get sent home from school the next day with a fever.

meanwhile...my sister who never takes care of herself... she never gets sick. or maybe once a year and not that badly, either. and she's also been that way from birth. my mom doesn't recall having to take care of her getting sick that much and she's definitely never had to take her to the hospital for it. :P

i seem to have gotten the short end of that stick. :P

i'm going to see if i can take a walk or a jog around the park that i live next to on the days i don't have to leave early for school. and my mom wants to buy me a yoga tape. we'll see. :)

Posted by littlestar at 11:34 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)