as i was reading "rapid viz" in john's class yesterday, i realized that somewhere along the line, art had become less fun and more work in the past couple years. now that it's tied with my future, i see tasks and skills to gain instead of the fun i could/should be having as i learn how to do them.
while talking to john, i realized that this is pretty much true about anything regarding my future. the moment that something gets linked to my future success or failure, the anxiety builds up to the point that i have to exert my control with little plans to ensure that i will do well. then it all becomes no fun.
he asked me where my anxiety to succeed came from. that's easy. that's my parents. i don't blame them for it, just being the oldest grandchild on my mom's side of the family, being the oldest child in mine, and being the only grandchild that was succeeding in studies and displaying responsibility.... well, that kinda let me be the focus of everyone's hopes for the future success of their progeny.
not too fun. but i can see how it happened.
anyway... i figured out that i'm never this tense about games. i'm the one that throws the game because i'm either bored, to make it a more enjoyable experience or when others are getting too competitive for it to be any fun anymore. and honestly, i'm usually that way about everything.
except for things relating to my future success or failure. then i tense up and get scared.
so... the trick now.... it to somehow think of elements in my life as things to be enjoyed, much like how i do with games. sounnds fun, eh?
