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kwc beat me to it:
amazon's american red cross disaster relief
i've donated only a pittance for now. once i have my seh beh don (the money you get from elders at new year's), i will donate that amount to the cause as well. just feels like the right thing to do...
not even going to bother to write about our dumbass president.
kwc has posted totally cute and funny images. avatars of his friends!
so since i'm a friend, there is a little avatar me standing around on his page. take a look!
a few minor things: my pjs are dark blue, not lavendar pink. :) and the poofy pink jacket was the only closest thing to my white poofy coat that people try to tell me is too warm for california. oh yeah... and the avatar template doesn't allow for pink highlights. tsk. :)
(update: ken has color-corrected my avatar. :))
kwc, being parakkum's roomate, saw a lot of me working on my book, so he got to see me in my "work" clothes: pjs. with beadhead. :) too busy to change out of comfortable clothes, you know? he also saw me boss parakkum around as i asked for things like food and drink. so sad. thank you, parakkum, for being so supportive.
mike made a small reference to my little adventure in his post about the 110 river.
i was going to have blogged earlier, but due to the unfortunate amounts of spamming, that was delayed.
in short: my car is awesome. it can even do off-road style driving (for a little while, anyway).
on tuesday morning, i got a call from my dad at 7:30 saying how the store's lights were all out and that he couldn't look for the power company's number because it was all dark. i found the number and gave it to him, but afterwards, i realized that it was really dangerous for a store to be without any lights so i told my mom what had happened and trekked out.
the road to my dad's store wraps around portuguese bend. basically, it alternates from being a two-lane to four-lane road that hugs the cliffs of the coastline of the peninsula. it passes through a constantly shifting land area among other things.
everything was relatively fine for a while. the roads were actually better than i thought it would be. relatively empty without that many rivers.... there was a relatively long (300m or so) stretch of road where it turns into a two-lane road with a cement median in the middle that had flooded slightly to the right side, so i hugged the curb on the left to minimize driving in the water and hydroplaning. it threw waves off to the right, but it's pv, no one's around to be a hapless victim.
it wasn't until i got to the first mini-lake that i started to worry. by this point, lanes aren't the issue. oncoming traffic and ongoing traffic were taking turns to take the highest ground possible in the middle of the road. i made it through the first lake ok, without huge concern.
the second lake was scarier. it was about 20ft across...discourging, yes. it looked like i should turn back, but i really couldn't. there were cars behind me and more directly the issue: there was no where to turn around. it was just water everywhere. so i entered thinking that it would really suck if my car died, since the whole purpose of driving here was to help my dad.
as i entered lake #2, i noticed that a van was entering from the opposite side. the muddy water reached up to the middle of their hood. *fuck!* oh well, i'm screwed. as the water rushed up over my hood and onto my windshield, i tried my best to maximize traction, minimize hydroplaning and time my car is in the water.
for a split second, i felt my car float. (please get to the ground. please have enough momentum to float over to touch ground, preferably before the engine dies).... and it did. :)
so my car survived, though i had mud marks up to my windows and silt had seeped into the footresting parts of the car interior....
and it is the most wonderful 201000 mileaged, 15 year-old car in the world. :)
so why is it called "de-spamming"? this confused me initially, because i couldn't figure out if that meant that it was saying that it wasn't spam or not.
i wonder how long deleting 83 comments of spam will take on a modem connection....
(update: seems to be that someone has already deleted the spam for me. who is it? you're great!)
life takes us to weird places sometimes.
my mom recently met a friend i had lost touch with at sam's club (of all places) and came back with phone numbers.
it was a little weird, because i'd always been a little confused about where things went wrong before.
as it turns out, it was a culmination of life things, miscommunication and just more of life. we finally met today after not having really seen or heard from each other in the last 2 years. it's a relief to realize that we both came with apprehensions, not really sure where to begin...
i think it turned out pretty well. we're going to meet again later this week.
i'm excited and wary at the same time. it's great to reconnect with a friend i'd had since middle school. i want things to go well. at the same time, it's a little daunting to reconnect while she's away in other countries and plans to be for another 1.5 years.
i guess, all i can do is try to do my part and see how things go.
this was yet another experience that seems to show how crucial communication is in relationships. and given how crucial it is in going on with life, why is it so damn hard?
weird korean thing. apparently this song was known to every family in korea.
it's about how tadpoles grow up into frogs.just click on the picture.
the tadpole song
this next one is how that song was used in a makeup commercial. just click on the play button.
i had this whole thing on Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day by Anne Katherine (who also wrote Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin....
but it got deleted. *SIGH*
so if i have more time and energy, i'll post about that later.
poopie.
the basic gist of it is that it's pretty helpful for people like me who feel like their sense of boundaries can be better improved. i think growing up in a korean-american home where two cultures sort of jumble up in your brain and in an immigrant family, where time together as a family was really limited, have hindered the development of a truly healthy set of boundaries. that and being an asian girl, you aren't really taught a whole lot about being assertive about yourself.
this book was very helpful in that it actually gives you solid, real-life examples and situations with which to work out. here are the chapter headings to see what the book covers: definition of boundaries, time boundaries, defenses vs. boundaries, communication boundaries, setting boundaries on defensiveness, boundary violations, setting limits on attack, anger boundaries, making amends, friendship boundaries, gossip, intimacy boundaries, holiday/birthday/celebration boundaries, sexual boundaries, gender boundaries, divorce boundaries, possession boundaries, parent boundaries, spiritual boundaries, tidiness boundaries, dress and appearance boundaries, boundaries for illness and chronic conditions, when someone is dying, autonomy boundaries, food boundaries, internet boundaries, therapist boundaries, your safe country.
if i add the quotes that i liked from the book, it will be in the extended.
pg 20:
Your time is your life. You are absolutely the final authority on how you will use it.
We hurt ourselves when we give our time, the minutes of our life span, to pursuits that don't match our own values. We each need to assess our own truths around the use of time, be clear about our own feelings and values, and protect our own time needs.
pg 23:
If you agree to meet someone at a certain time, you are creating a contract with that person. Every minute that you are late uses a portion of the other person's life.
Being habitually late starts affecting relationships. Your lateness squarders the time of the person who is waiting, and it can create distance and friction.
pg 24:
Your greatest obligation in your use of time is to yourself, so that you are filling the days of your life with the pursuits and activities that reflet your deepest values. Time boundaries protect these pursuits, creating the limits that allow you to interact most fully with what matters to you.
pg 33:
Before deciding on what type of boundaries to set, first assess your own risk. Some defended people are dangerous: they defend themselves by attacking others.
No matter how bad someone else's childhood may have been, it's still not okay for them to hurt others, either physically or emotionally, with a mean action or cutting remark. A person who does this is exploiting you, and their relationship with you, by using you to discharge their own bad feelings.
pg 38:
With a boundary toolkit, you pay attention to actions that discount you and limit such interactions with dispatch. It's your first date with Max and he dismisses your stance about dialectical determinism. This is a red flag. Disagreement is fine. Different opinions add interest. But to brush off your opinion as inferior is not okay. His response is a warning for you to watch for a pattern of dismissal, disregard, or disrespect. If you notice such a pattern, you can back away from the relationship or see how he handles it when you set a boundary.
pg 39:
By taking yourself out of situations in which you or your choices are being negated, you send your psyche the message that you are taking charge of self-protection and that it need not be on automatic red alert.
pg 46:
Ignoring boundaries is itself a response. We someitmes feel that if a person tromps over us after we've said no, then we much not have been clear. We can get caught in the trap of explaining again and again, meanwhile letting the other person take advantage of us.
If you find yourself trying to educate the other person over and over, you are working too hard.
We do not need to take responsibility for another person's refusal to respond. If you reasonable request, counteroffer or boundary is ignored, pay attention. You ARE being responded to. The other person is responding with disregard. At that point, you are justified in setting a firmer boundary or in protecting yourself further.
pg 50:
Be the guardian of your own tender information. Be careful about revealing delicate or personal information to someone who's mean, careless, or untrustworthy.
pg 57:
When a person repeatedly negates what another person is saying, they are presuming to rule over the other person's speech and thoughts.
pg 59:
Your job--if someone is committing communicatioin violations against you--is to notice the big picture, take yourself out of the situation, and save your energy and goodness for someone who can appreciate them.
pg 63:
Anger before a conversation has even started can be an attempt to control the other person. It can be a way of saying, "I'm going to try stopping you before you even start. Back off. If you confront me I'll be angry at you."
pg 64:
Missing the point is a defense of misdirection. While you are talking about trees, I'm going to pretend that this conversation is about geography. A clever defender takes a tack that is close enough to fool the initiator into thinking that the real issue is being addressed.
Allie accuses James of a feeling he's not having. This defense is usually very effective in sidetracking the initiator. In the very act of defending himself against her accusation, he starts moving toward being angry.
Anger is funny in this way. You can feel calm and clear, and then when someone accuses of being angry, even though you weren't angry a second before, suddenly you do start feeling angry. As a defense it works like a charm.
A good response to this defense is to acknowledge the anger and then go right back to the original point. If you get lost in an argument about whether or not you are angry or when your anger started, the defender wins. YOU are now on the defensive, and the original issue is history.
pg 66:
Getting a partner into a tried-and-true prior argument is in itself a good defense. Each person knows his or her lines and can settle into the old rut.
Allie also introduces a new defense, one that can create a lot of confusion for the other person: she denies her own words.
pg 67:
James is raising his voice, true. As he is increasingly thwarted, he gets louder and more frustrated, but he is not yelling abusively. When we overstate how someone is behaving, that is a defense. The person is mirrored incorrectly, which can throw them off and make them feel wrong.
James IS angry. In these circumstances, it is natural to be angry. His nager is appropriate. Yet she is accusing him of being very angry, as if anger weren't appropriate, and axaggerating his true feeling. This mirrors him incorrectly and is likely to sidetrack him.
Pretending to be vicitimized--entering the victim role--puts the other person into the wrong and also increases their anger, frustration, and powerlessness. Some participants might get abusive at this point, and other might feel hopeless and back off.
Stating an obvious fact as if it's being argued about is another example of misdirection.
pg 69:
In general, refuse to engage with defenses. The more you respond to someone's defenses, the further you will be pulled from your own issue.
pg 70:
If you start to feel confused, you are running into defenses. You don't have to be able to identify them to know that the conversation has gone astray. Take a break. Get clear again, them resume.
When in doubt, go bak to your original issue. If you are vulnerable to being sidetracked by your partner, write down the issue on a piece of paper so you can refer to it if you get lost.
pg 74:
When you're in an argument or conflict and the other person gives you an approximation of what you want--not doing it perfectly, but being in the right ballpark--appreciate it. Realize that the person is making an effort on your behalf. If you wait till they are perfect, you have a long wait ahead of you; they won't ever get perfect, because you aren't cueing them that they are on the right track.
pg 79:
When someone violates one of your boundaries, or you observe them violating someone else's, consider that a warning. Don't expose yourself to any further damage or assault from them--and be on the alert for furture violation attempts.
We sometimes wrongly believe that if someone has acted badly towards us, we will change their attitude by making ourselves more vulnerable. In fact, the opposite is usually true: the more vulnerable we make ourselves, the more likely it is that the boundary violations will continue or worsen.
pg 83:
The longer we stay in a violating situation, the more traumatized we become. If we don't act on our own behalf, we will lose spirit, resourcefulness, energy, health, perspective, and resilience. We must take outserlves out of violating situations for the sake of our own wholeness.
pg 85:
Some of us have a tendency to let people get away with things uner the auspices of being nice. Forget it. The other person is not being nice. Once someone else abandons the limits set by courtesy, you are not required to stay there yourself. Protecting yourself gets to be your first prioirty. It is more important than propriety or sparing the other person embarrassment. Remember, you are not the one causing the stir. The other person caused it. if they use the social situation as a cover to get away with a violation--counting on you to keep quiet so as not to interrupt the main event--you can foil that plan by deliberately and publicly speaking out--or by doing whatever you need in order to be safe.
pg 91:
In a new relationship, the VERY FIRST TIME someone tries to dump their feelings on you, set a boundary. Refuse to engage. Imagine that a force field has sprung up around you. Think of it as a wall of energy that blocks the invasion of any bad energy or feeling. Say "It's not okay to talk to me that way. if you're unhappy about something I will listen. But don't dump your anxiety (or fear, or whatever) on me."
pg 95:
Anger has been much maligned in our culture, due to the harm done by its destructive cousin, rage. But anger--like sorrow, joy, and fear--is a basic human feeling that in its pure, direct, boundaried expression can have positive impact. Furthermore, such expression can cleanse both the person carrying the issue and his or her relationship with the other person.
pg 97:
A thousand times I've heard clients say, "It won't do any good if I tell her I'm angry. She doesn't hear me. It won't make any difference."
It'll make a difference to you. Changing the other person is not the primary reason for expressing anger. The primary reason is that it's there, and it's the truth. Like any other feeling, expressing it lets you release it.
pg 104:
An apology is words. It at least acknolwedges our error and the ffect it has had on another person. Amends are actions. We actually do something to repair the problem that resulted from our mistake.
Making amends is a way to get free of the burden of our mistakes. When we make a mistake that impinges on another person, amends repair three things--the harm to the other person, the harm to our relationship with them, and the harm to ourselves.
pg 106:
A trite "I'm sorry" does nothing to repair the mistake. If the victim is still stuck having to deal with the consequences of the other person's mistake, then adequate amends have not been made.
i particularly liked the friendship boundary section, since that was one that i was having a harder time with lately. won't write anything here, since i basically liked the whole section.
pg 137:
Intimacy absolutely requires that each person in a relationship be whole and individual. Codependence is not intimacy. Enmeshment--two people blending in such a way that one or both lose their identity--is not intimacy either.
Intimacy comes when two people, both standing clearly in their own lives--with their faults and their truths, their needs and their gifts--say to each other, "This is me. I see you. I am willing to say the whole truth, make mistakes, forgive, trust, receive, give, allow our differences, argue, laugh, and stand together with you in awe."
Not all intimates are lovers. Not all lovers are intimates. friendship can achieve great intimacy and be entirely nonsexual.
Not all intimates are married to each other. Not all spouses are intimates. Marriage is a tremendous opportunity for intimacy, but many spouses miss the point.
The growth of intimacy will teach us how to love--both ourselves and the other person. If we allow ourselves to practice the skills of intimacy, we will learn to love.
Boundaries protect love and intimacy. Certain behaviors support the integrity of intimacy. Other behvarios hamr, disrupt, or reverse intimacy. By using the skills that promote intimacy, boundaries are created that protect the rleationship.
In every one of your relationships, you are on a continuum between intimacy and separation. You stand on a slide that tilts you toward either intimacy or separateness. Exactly where you stand at any given moment is the result of your decisions, your feelings, how you handle situations, and the way you and the other person communicate.
Think of any friend. Your relationship with each other is fluid. It is constantly shifting either closer or further apart, depending on what each of you does.
If you are both making decisions that promote intimacy, you become steadily closer and the boundaries strengthen. If one or both of you acts against intimacy, however, you move toward separation. It is hard for only one person to keep intimacy going if the other is acting against intimacy.
pg 143:
We are responsible for taking ourselves out of situations that demean us and for avoiding people who malign us. If we don't, we violate our own boundaries. We diminish our own integrity by not holding to the limits that would keep us from being exploited, demeaned, or treated with disregard.
Even if you can't explain it or make a good case for it, if you get a strong internal message to move away from a person or a situation, you do yourself right by honoring it. Then, at a distance, you can talk to someone about it or think out what's going on.
pg 167:
Women violate their own boundaries when they don't speak about their needs, or by enduring--out of love or expediency--sexual activity. Over time, a woman who does this is bound to lose interest in sex.
pg 207:
A clue that you're doing too much in a relationship is if you find yourself teaching the other person the same thing over and over.
You ALWAYS have the right to amend a generosity you've extended. Do this as soon as you see sign that someone can't or won't observe your appropriate limits.
pg 255:
We keep ourselves stuck when we try relentlessly to get what another person can never give. To keep pushing for it violates both of us. The other is violated because an emotional limit is pummeled. We violate ourselves by putting our energy into a person who can't respond with what we need.
pg 264:
The problem with this type of boundary violation [targeting our automatic processes, our way of working, thinking or handling life] is that it is so subtle. We are each so unconsciou of our own processes. Our way of thinking and our way of organizing our lives are so natural and so much parts of oursevles that they are transparent to us.
Don't accept snide remarks about your way of doing things. Stand up for yourself if you are attacked or criticized for your individual processes (unless, of course, your way harms or gets in the way of someone). The point is not to convince the other person (who, by the way, is scapegoating you), but to give your own body and psyche the message that you will stand up for your way of being in the world.
If you're being not-so-gently teased, call the other person on it. Ask them to stop; possibley ask them about any anger or vexation that may be behind their teasing.
pg 287:
You can't imagine how much energy is being used by defenses until you set strong enough boundaries with the people who would sip your lifeblood. Boundaries are far more than a nifty technique to preserve your Saturday at home. When applied in the right places with the appropriate amount of firmness and dimension, they make way for entire possiblities that aren't even dimly formed until you are free.
Each time you set a boundary and dissolve a defense, you pave your way to your own safe country, your own unique territory that is the fulfillment of your life and your mission.
for those that don't know... my computer is back with apple. after they fixed the backlight to the monitor, they managed to unhook the sound card or something because my computer had no sound. so after having it back for about a day, it went back.
my book is finished. i've made three copies so far, handbound even. one for me, one for amanda, one for john. my parents want a copy, so i'm thinking of making one for them. also, a friend has shown interest in funding my efforts and buying a book as well. any other takers? :)
i don't think i'll be handbinding those other books. they cost $30 to make (paper, getting the paper cut, materials for covers, etc). another friend said that she asks for double her supplies cost for things. hrm.... i have no concept of money, did i mention this?
so... if you want a copy, tell me. :) there are 172 pages of visual principles goodness. i'm thinking around $40. 45. 50? the more you pay, the greater the donation. :) when i get back up to the bay area and have my computer (and high-speed internet) again, i'll post some sample pages.
i'll be in LA until 1/7/2005. in the meanwhile, i've been helping my dad out at the store for a few hours a day and meeting with friends that have returned my calls or called me up.
i've read some notes and books, so if i ever feel like it, i'll post some notes. it's harder to do when i have to post off a desktop instead of off my laptop on my couch. this pretty much cements my future as a forever laptop user. :)
for now, i must send off e-cards to my family in korea, since i was too much of a lagger for actual physical christmas cards.
i like jim doten honda in berkeley. they're helpful and nice and they explain to you things in full. today i learned how the thermostat works and also how to fix the liner from my car from going away. they checked on the brakes and i had to get that replaced but they were also able to tell me that i wouldn't need to change my timing belt until my car gets to 243,000 miles or 2006.
it's nice to have a service center that doesn't try to rip you off subtly.
also... my car hit the 200,000 mile marker today. it is officially really old. :)
as for my final project... still working on my book which looks like it will be ~200 pages. just for the materials used alone to make it, it will be like $30 per book. i was hoping to make multiple copies so that i can give one to john, keep one for myself and one for meta or anyone else tha wants one....
hmmm....
why is art so expensive? :)
picked up return of the king today. i should've ordered in advance with amazon because their copy is $23.99 while fry's and best buy were both $29.99. however, since i wanted the movie for a possible showing at my movie marathon tomorrow, i ate the cost difference and picked it up at fry's anyway.
c'est la vie. :) with some wine, cheese and bread, of course.
MT Blacklist culled this out for me, but i found this amusing enough to write about it. this comment is from a really old post called booze, art and movies. i talked a little about how lurlene mcdaniels' books and other similar types were "slit my throat" books that didn't really help teenagers and about a particularly rude bookstore worker that butted into that conversation.
so this is the comment that i received:
IP Address: 164.58.224.236
Name: angel
Email Address: apilgrim@student.colcordschools.com
URL:
Comment:
lurlene is one of the best author ever. and maybe you just don't have the heart for them. she is probly now more successful than you will ever be. she has more fans than you will ever have friends. and have you even read one of her books. if so wich one it is near impossible for you to hate it as much as you do...
-always-
angel
p.s. if you have any comments e-mail me becuase i will most likely not
be back here!
now... a couple things. i feel no need to email her because i'm not convinced that i'll have an intelligent conversation with a 12-year old. or at least... the writing skills indicate that that's about how old she is. and considering that i was critiquing exactly how these books have a bad effect on pre-teens, i think her comment illustrates that pretty well.
another is that... well... i wouldn't want that many friends if they were going to be like lurlene's fans. :) and no, i don't have the heart for sentimental, melodramatic, saccharine drivel. i did when i was 12, but even then, not to the degree that her books deliver.
oh, and i have actually read three of her books, and they all read the same. my critique of them is that i think it's harmful for books to romanticize terminal illnesses because it misses the heart of the issue. a book that addresses such serious matters should actually take the issue seriously and not devolve that down to some high school romance that tragically ends because you know the person is going to die some day. they're basically soap operas directed towards kids and it doesn't actually teach them anything or direct them towards anything helpful or useful. instead, it fills their minds with romanticized ideas of how tragic cystic fibrosis, cancer, organ transplants, etc are, which is totally unfair to the real life people that have to deal with that.
there are enough things in mass media that cheapen real life things, and this is just another one of them. and unfortunately, the younger, more susceptible crowd is going to be the ones reading them.
but yeah... it's just a funny comment, i think, because there were so many grammatical errors that you're already having a hard time taking the spelling seriously, let alone the content. so, a revised version of this comment follows (the corrections will be in capital letters or parentheses):
lurlene is one of the best authorS ever. and maybe you just don't have the heart for them. she is probABly now more successful than you will ever be. she has more fans than you will ever have friends. and have you even read one of her books(.-->?) if so wHich one(?) it is nearLY impossible for you to hate it as much as you do...
-always-
angel
p.s. if you have any comments(,) e-mail me becuase i will most likely not be back here!
and thank you, please don't come back. :)
taking a break while waiting for my hand to uncramp (working on my final project).
 | You scored as Pissed at the World Cat. And here we have the next serial killer. Try having some cotton candy, it'll make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, Psycho.
Which Absurd Cat are you? created with QuizFarm.com |
so i've basically been busting my ass for the last week or two. averaging 4-5 hours of sleep a night, with breaks in the form of eating foods to keep me alive.
i've been battling off ailments.
my computer died and i'm using mike's.
and my last two major deadlines are coming up after the weekend.
this is just an example of how my conversational skills, particularly diction, have deteriorated with fatigue and stress:
me: oh know
me: oops
me: that meant to be a no
me: that's good that your dog will recover
kwc: i no :)
most of the time, i have average luck. in some areas, i tend to have good luck (like parking). and then sometimes... i have the worst luck.
yeah... that's true for most people, too, but i had just had a weird confluence of bad luck.
yesterday morning, both my airport and my laptop died. within moments of each other. it was kinda comical in a tragic way.
i went to my laptop to start on my projects and check email... but i noticed that my airport was offline. so i went and reset my airport (at least up to this point is normal, i think my tivo tends to do something funky to my dsl). it never made it to the happy green light. it got stuck under "amber."
tried a few things, didn't work. went to my laptop to try to reset settings, didn't work. went back to reset my dsl modem, didn't work. came back to my laptop...
and the screen died.
full-blown panic mode.
after some panicking, call applecare. they tell have me try a few things and i find that none of it works. they sound surprised that this wasn't the case just out of the box.
my backlight is broken, and apparently it's a known issue, so they all knew about it and my computer is on its merry way to a service center as i type. it should be back within 7-10 days.
now... i have this major book project due this week and i'm minus a computer with only the g3 500mhz ibook i was using before that takes about 5 minutes to boot up. i was ready to cry.
thank you to mike, who has generously loaned me his computer until my computer gets back. thanks to him, i am able to have 58 pages completed in my book so far. thanks to parakkum for being supportive and taking my computer to the apple store for shipping. and thanks to my professor, john, for being very understanding. hopefully, i won't have to impinge on either of them for too long.
oh yeah, and after some tinkering, we got my airport to work again. i'll spare you the boring details.
is something i've always been meaning to read up on since i'm a big dork. :)
any book recommendations?
i remember there was a good one back when i was in korea, but i don't know the author. i think the title may just have been "chaos."
i will have no life until the 13th. unless, by some weird fluke i am able to finish my projects before then.
now for everyone's amusement...