i always end up wondering why i can feel so stressed a lot of the times, and i've now come to the conclusion that part of it is from my own anxiety and control freak kind of nature but that i also have had a LOT of crap happen to me in a relative short period of time.

this relates somewhat to why i've been having a hard time going to church.

some of the major stressors of this year:

- my cousin came back from korea being a royal selfish bitch. in retrospect, i suppose she was too depressed before to be her true self in the prior semester i'd lived with her. because in every other encounter i'd had with her and her brother, they've tortured me mercilessly. i'd thought they might have matured out of that and i was wrong.

- i was getting verbally flagellated by my extremely demanding drawing teacher. she knows a lot. i learned a lot. i was really stressed and my self-esteem suffered. it didn't help that she was saying that i had a problem with self-confidence, when i was already dealing with family that was giving me a hard time about parakkum and art and my own trepidations and guilt about going into a field that doesn't mean that you're "helping someone."

- my cousin crashed my car. didn't want to pay for all of it because she thought it was going to be something like $200-300 when she offered to pay. after which, her idiotic, immature, sad excuse of a human being 42-year-old guy friend (how creepy is it to have a "friend" like that around all the time???) cussed me out, saying how i won't be anything more than a piece of shit because he thought my cousin shouldn't have to pay for it, even though she hit the car on a POLE.

- my uncle died in a sudden, violent death that severely affected my dad. my cousin was grateful for my helping out with the funeral and taking care of things at her house for a few weeks, and things soon soured again after that.

- two weeks after that, a guy i hung out with once in a while (because he's a roommate of a high school friend) and thought was pretty nice and cool committed suicide.

- most of my close friends are graduated and gone from berkeley

- i moved to san jose, a city i knew nothing about and where i didn't know anyone. the management was already giving me a hard time about the move.

- started at a new school. parents aren't exactly supportive.

- some guy steals about $1800 from my parents' store

- gained weight at a surprising rate. well, for the first time in my life really.

- moved AGAIN (9th time in 5.5 years)

- parents giving me crap about parakkum and art still. for moving again. for having stormy and beau. for not having a roommate. etc.

this isn't to say that i haven't had a lot of good in my life.

- i made new friends that i enjoy the company of.

- i like what i'm studying and i think that i honestly could do things in the art field for the rest of my life and not get bored.

- i've moved to a new place that i really like

- i've spoiled myself with satellite and tivo for a while, once again confirming that animation/illustration is probably what i want to do, seeing how those are the things i tend to be interested in

- fun painting class and color

- stormy and beau

- i actually have some semblance of a social life

- been looking forward to no longer having a long distance relationship with parakkum, but an actual local one within a year

- reacquaintance with my love for tea and a hot pot for a christmas present

all in all, considering the stuff that has been going on within the last year, i think i'm pretty well-adjusted and happy.

of course, i'm still dealing with stuff from years ago and i feel like i've been doing teaching myself things that i didn't learn as a kid (like boundaries, telling people 'no' and even telling people off, learning to relax more, etc etc), ever since i entered college. but i could confidently say that i'm pretty happy and i plan on being happy and would be happier if everyone got off my back about what makes me happy.

sometimes i feel like a "weird shit" magnet. like having a random homeless man put his arm around my shoulder while i'm walking across campus or having a homeless girl stalk for a few blocks or having another homeless person tell me that i was so cute he could just bundle me up and take me home.

that's just homeless people. there are other people and other things.

but all in all, considering the stuff that happens, i think i'm ok.

and i think i'll continue to be ok.

so why do i not go to church? to put it simply, i have a lot of beef with god right now. not so much for just the recent things. i have trust issues. and i think this is ok with me and maybe my friend alisha, who is another liberal christian like me. she understands that when you have a lot of faith and love for someone and it feels like they weren't there when you needed them, you can have latent resentment and that god will understand this stance i have right now. that he would understand that i'm having a hard time talking to him right now and dealing with "his" people.

but i have had it UP TO HERE with people asking me if i've prayed about it, or if i'm doing alright when i don't feel like talking about it, or telling me that i should be thankful for what i have and all the blessings that god has bestown upon me or that god has a plan for the hardships that i had to face or are still facing right now.

i have had it with people that are essentially telling me that i should be happy and grateful for everything when i've had a lot of unhappy shit happen in my life. it's like they're rushing me to deal with my issues.

or people telling me that it's wrong to be angry.

and when i'm surrounded by people who are telling me to give up all for god and to trust my life to god and let god make all the decisions for me or those that seem clueless about the problems that are out there while telling me to rejoice in him.... i feel like i'm going to suffocate and die.

so i haven't been going to church for a while.

don't get me wrong, i don't have something wrong against christians and church. i just don't have the extra patience for those that want to be well-meaning but don't really have anything helpful to say or those who aren't really well-meaning but have some sort of agenda or insecurity of their own they want to reinforce with me. i appreciate the well-meaning thoughts, but i don't have the spare energy to deal with them.

i think that i've been blessed to meet the great people that i have. christian or non-christian. it makes me uncomfortable to have that delineation emphasized so much in church. worldly and otherworldly. holy and unholy.

so i hide.

to a certain degree, a lot of how happy/content you are comes from whether you feel gratitude for what you have. i know this very well.

but i do think that i am generally an optimistic person... i don't think my moments of bitterness and cynicism due to a lot of shitty things are things that i need to change before the issues themselves have been changed.

because i'm happy dammit. i should think that that should be worth something. :)

so for next year....
- i will try to mend my rift with god slowly but steadily by reading the bible. even if i can't comfortably make myself go to church.
- i will continue to work out my issues. so that i'm not quite as angry with the world anymore. :)
- i will try to keep my apartment clean, because that makes me happy
- i will try to exercise more so i'm not traumatized by being out of shape anymore

Posted by littlestar at 06:32 PM | Permalink

i know that everyone doesn't read all my friends' blogs, so i thought i'd post this to my blog as well.

Poll on Homosexual Marriage

Posted by littlestar at 06:14 PM | Permalink

have you read his books yet? the series of unfortunate events?

they're easy and fun to read. quite whimsical and smartly written. linguistic crumpets. :)

so far there have been 10 books and i started to read them just a little before thanksgiving. now i'm on the 10th book. :)

he projects that he will finish the story in about 13. i may just be tempted to break my new rule about books for his series. :)

more on lemony snicket

Posted by littlestar at 08:26 PM | Permalink

in english.

this is mine.

obviously, it can't look exactly the same seeing as how it can only have a finite number of options. :)

i made my mom's and i tried to make my sister's, but the features were too limited for adult features. basically, the different parts of the face were either too old or too big and my sister doesn't have double-eyelids.

actually... i thought most of the eyes were too western to match to asian features. which makes sense, it being a russian site and all.

addendum:
think of this as a "how would i look if i were russian?" exercise. :)

also... i got the site from metamanda so i think it's only fair to go and check hers out. :)

unlike her, i'm lazy. so you'll just have to follow the links to see my portraits. and i'm assuming that most of you know what i look like. :)

Posted by littlestar at 02:13 PM | Permalink

i drove down today with ken. things started out a little rough after i managed to lock myself out for about an hour (think dorm doors. instantly locking when the door closes)... but after that, things were pretty smooth.

i helped ken knock off another in and out off his list, the one in kettleman city. :)

and now, my bunnies (and i) are finally resting, after i set up a corral for them in my sister's room.

they're happy and i'm exhausted. :P

i'll be home for about 4 weeks. probably means not a whole lot of blogging since i am on a modem connection. :P

Posted by littlestar at 10:04 PM | Permalink

i moved on tuesday (12/16) and have been unpacking since then. hence the long period of no posts.

i'll be driving down with ken tomorrow, which is cool. it's always nice to have a buddy next to you as you make the long drive to la.

i have some more unpacking to do and getting ready for my trip. :) so more to post later, i guess. :)

My Bloginality is INFJ!!!

--OR--

My Bloginality is INFP!!!

Posted by littlestar at 07:46 PM | Permalink

for your amusement:

while helping amanda pack for her move to sf (it should be done by now, i'm assuming), i was introduced to her g4 powermac....amandatosh.

the laptop that i see her with all the time is amandell.

parakkum just told me of his co-workers' computers' names: imar and omac. his name is omar. :)

as for mine.... it's called patches. since it has bits of old and bits of new, along with some stickers all over.

anyone else have names for their processing companions?

back to hateful readings of general and sexual violence against women. is it any wonder i'm having a hard time studying for this final?

i even did all my dishes to put off the torture. :P

Posted by littlestar at 11:48 PM | Permalink

i am stressed.

i still have a lot of packing to do, including dishes to clean so that i can pack them.
helping amanda move on sunday.
i have a final monday morning.
my management is coming by for an initial inspection on monday as well. (to determine damage, i guess) this means i should patch up all the areas that my bunnies decided to chew with the paint i got.
parakkum arrives on monday night.
i move on tuesday (sign lease, get keys, pick up van, move, etc).
return of the king, tuesday night.
final project due on wednesday.

then i get to breathe a little, unpack, etc wendesday and thursday.

drive down to la on friday.

i have no brain.

fondue was yummy yesterday, though.

Posted by littlestar at 03:23 PM | Permalink

while packing to move, i realized that i really didn't need all this stuff that i have.

so... i went through my amazon wish list and deleted most of the books that i could find in the library i will live across the street from. the books that are left are the books that i would still want, even if they were at the library. :)

i can't change that fast ;)

back to studying for my final. :)

Posted by littlestar at 01:46 PM | Permalink

i had a pair of people come in to see my place. apparently, they are interested in living here. but while they and one of the assistant managers were talking, i heard the assistant manager say that my place was the same price as the other one-bedroom down the hall: $1200

so.... i would like to know how they think it's ok to increase my rent to $1225, which they consider a discount from $1320 month-to-month in the case that i lock in for a year-long lease when they are asking for only $1200 from possible tenants. especially in a renting climate that is supposed to be WORSE than when i first moved in during the summer.

those bastards.

i'm glad i'm leaving. :P :)

my box count is up to 28. i've decided that part of the difficulty in moving is the irregularity of the containers that stuff is put in.

now all my boxes are office depot boxes with only a few things that won't fit in there. i'm hoping.

most of 2 of my 3 closets are empty now. i just have to get my past art projects wrapped and into boxes somehow.

then i have one more closet and bathroom and kitchen.

i think i'm halfway done now. lordy. :P

one good thing is that i found out that no matter how clean my place is, the cleaning fee will still be $95.

this means i have no reason to clean up my place before i leave. :)

man.... there'd better not be an earthquake before i leave.

Posted by littlestar at 03:48 PM | Permalink

now that i have cleared out the folded boxes from the back of my sofa, stormy has a lot of fun running laps around it.

i've vacuumed my room today. it looks really clean. :) it's funny that it's finally clean less than a week before i move.

the living room is disaster area, though. i will have to clean that up before i have people over tomorrow for the movie, cheese fondue, chocolate and dried fruits night. for those that desire, there is alcohol. please drink the alcohol that people have brought me over time. it's taking up space in my fridge.

drat. i'm out of things to watch on my tivo.

i'm seriously pondering not to have tv when i move to my new place if directv doesn't work there (which it probably won't).

i would feel too jipped to spend $37 a month for a limited number of channels i would get with cable. not to mention that i would be too busy to watch tv as it airs and i don't want to deal with timed recording via vcr after having had tivo. but then... if i were to sign up for tivo with cable, it's $14 a month. and i'd have to buy a receiver, which is like another $200. and it's like a $75 to get the cable installed and reconnected.

now.... i will greatly miss watching teen titans, inu-yasha, big o, jackie chan adventures and kim possible. maybe even smallville. but all in all, $50 dollars a month seems excessive for the small amount of actual tv i watch. mainly, it's just background noise.

GRYFFINDOR!

Hogwart's Sorting Hat
brought to you by Quizilla

You are a middle of the road geek. You don't quite
fit into the catagory of ''normal'', but your
not popular enough to hang out with the non-
geeks either. You can't understand why the
fact that your more intelligent than most
people seems to make them all scared of you.

How much of a geek are you?
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does that mean you have to be insipid and boring and listen to hiphop to be "normal" or "cool"? :) hmmm...

Posted by littlestar at 11:14 AM | Permalink

i ran some errands and now i'm tired. so.... more quizzes!

Congratulations! You're Legolas!

Which Lord of the Rings character and personality problem are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are

Giles

What "Buffy" Character Are You?

or....

You are

What "Buffy" Character Are You?

though i would like to maintain that i am very not rash nor impulsive.

well... more impulsive, maybe.

Posted by littlestar at 03:50 PM | Permalink

i have 17 boxes now. i still have ~2 boxes worth of books/dvds to pack.

in the process, i have discovered various bunny damage to my boxes. :) they get into everything.

i haven't even touched the contents within my closets, bathroom and kitchen yet.

i'm frightened. :P

and now.... for me to work on my take-home final for art history and study a little for my other final and work on my final project for 2D. :)

Posted by littlestar at 07:47 PM | Permalink

i never knew, i just assumed that it would have something along the lines of 15 gallons... getting about ~26-27 miles per gallon, i get something around 375-390 miles with a full tank.

it turns out that my car has a 17.0 gallon tank. when the little alert light comes on i still have 2.1 gallons. when the needle hits E i still have 1 gallon of gas left.

it's beautiful. :)

now.... on to studying for my test tomorrow. :)

Posted by littlestar at 08:57 PM | Permalink

i just had this image of a big pig sniffing out chocolate. but actually, all i would need is follow beau, since he is a sugar junky.

discovered the nearest whole foods today. it is good. i am going to try to make meals at home more, in hopes to eat healthier and more cheaper.

still, i think in the end, it will come down to my needing to exercise and build muscle mass more. :)

Posted by littlestar at 09:25 PM | Permalink

i forgot to mention....

my soft lenses were confiscated from me by the optometrist due to a little teeny torn bit.

i'm switching back to hard contacts. i tried them a long time ago, but apparently, they didn't give me a good fit so i suffered needlessly and shunned them forever since.

this time, it should be better, and i won't have to put in $~200+ into soft contacts every year. instead, it'll be around $300 for 3-5 years.

apparently, they're better for your eyes, too.

i am afraid. very much so. :P but i will suck it up. :)

Posted by littlestar at 10:47 AM | Permalink

my stupid management has pissed me off again. this time, by wanting to raise my rent in an environment where rent should be decreasing.

so i found a place close, a block away, and i'm moving on the 16th.

amanda, i'll help you move after my final on the 15th. wanna help me move the day after? :)

seriously, though, since the colonnade sucks and they're going to make me pay till the 1st of january, i plan on moving gradually till i drive down on the 19th of december.

i'm going to take my sweet time about it, since i will have paid for it anyway.

anyway..... it's a 1 bedroom, 1 bath. the management is competent and nice. so i'm excited. i also have washer and dryer in the unit. the only bad thing is that i might have lose my directivo, because the line of sight may be obstructed. but it is a price i am willing to pay.

and because directv is an awesome company, they usually waive the early termination fee if it's because you ended up moving to a place that can't support satellite.

and the carpet is less destructible so i might not have to worry about carpet damage from bunnies anymore. :)

and yes, they're ok with my bunnies.

the colonnade sucks. the doors have been in various states of repair and brokenness for the last month. they broke my satellite dish and didn't want to pay for the repairs. the elevator breaks at least once a week. bitch bitch bitch, i know.

i'm just glad then i get to leave. :)

i get a pretty kitchen, with everything this place has. it's a little smaller, but cleaner. the place is only 2-3 years old. but mainly... it's the management. they were nice, friendly, helpful and efficient. so i'm happy. :)

Posted by littlestar at 03:28 PM | Permalink

i am relaxing. i exercised for an hour, ate food at home, i was good.

and now i'm all tuckered out and i want sleep. :P

my management sucks, because they want to raise my rent.

i kind of want to sleep, but i feel guilty about it because it's fairly early in the evening and i feel like i should be... *gasp* productive.

but i don't feel like being productive and am taking personality tests instead. :)

I'm getting there. I don't suck, but I've got a ways to go.

Your soul is bound to the Yellow Rose: The
Gentle.

"I've travelled through the land of
surrender and seen it all. I throw my heart
out and keep my head up, and now I travel
through the land of peace."

The Yellow Rose is associated with friendship,
intuition, and fun. It is governed by the
goddess Hestia and its sign is The Intertwined
Rings, or True Friendship.

As a Yellow Rose, you always look out for your
friends. You would much rather have strong
ties with friends than a single tie with a
lover and your devotion to your friends is
clear. You may have great intuition and be
able to read emotions clearly, but sometimes
you can seem distant yourself.

What Rose Is Your Soul Bound To?
brought to you by Quizilla

What color are you? (Anime Pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla

You're Batman!
You keep to yourself a lot and act cold towards
others, but you actually do mean well. You're a
detective and great at figuring things out. You
regret a lot of things and have had something
tragic in your life, whether it was running
over an animal with your car or something
major. You don't try to make friends, but they
always end up finding you anyway.

Which one of the Justice League (cartoon) are you?
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hmmm.... i think something else other than not wanting a cape predetermined my batmanness

Well, OBVIOUSLY! Isn't that where they're SUPPOSED
to come from?!? Here, read this definition:
Import 1. To bring in goods or materials from a
foreign country for trade or sale. DUH!
Gosh...Maybe Georgy here would be better off in
a circus... (More funny posters like these at
www.allposters.com)

Which One of George W. Bush's Funny Quotes Are You? (Pictures!) (Not for supporters)
brought to you by Quizilla

Posted by littlestar at 10:20 PM | Permalink