littlestar

when i look back, any time i've made the "right" decision is when i actually paused to listen to myself. to find out how i feel about something, what i think about something, without consulting other's opinions on what i should do. in fact, it's whenever i've listened to someone else about that that i've gotten into trouble.

in fact, if i really think about it... fear and potential regret aren't really things that i built for me. i was quite the fearless (but not really stupid) kid, so my parents (for whatever reason) felt the need to instill fear. because i seemed too self-confident and knowing about what i wanted to do (which inevitably meant at some point something that my parents didn't want me to do), they would use potential regret to steer me "right" and tell me that i should consult people that know more than i do in all things. combined with verbal or physical beatings, these lessons were indelibly stamped into my being.

it doesn't seem to matter that i recognize them as manipulative maneuvers now. the response i now have to things is visceral.

i respond with fear. i worry about what ifs. i'm always concerened about being wrong and ask others' opinions. when their opinions don't match what i am secretly feeling inside, i despair, because i secretly think i must be wrong. and by wrong, i mean not excelling, as that was the standard that was instilled in me.

it's paralyzing.

this paralysis has only gotten worse with age. i'm not sure why. i think it's because the decisions i'm making now are ones that can greatly affect my future -- career and marriage. given how much these things have been played up my whole life (my mom and my grandmother must talk to me about these things at every meeting, and talked to me about it since i was 8, at least), they take on such epic proportions that anything that links up to them can send me spiraling into turmoil and a sense of powerlessness... eventually (inevitably, and fairly quickly) leading to depression.

this is particularly dangerous while being in a program that also emphasizes fear and potential regret. fear -- you have to be working all the time so that you aren't out of a job. potential regret -- if you don't take these classes and have these skills, you won't have a job. add a healthy dose of responsibility -- your are our representatives, our alums impress their employers time and time again so that they come back for more graduating seniors.

it's strange to me that i managed to find this kind of environment again, in ART of all places. my therapist wonders if some part of me finds this familiar and is attracted to it, which is just creepy. i think, more accurately i hope, i'm attracted to the level of intensity and competence, and i didn't realize until later that fear and potential regret were their motivating factors.

i think, at my core, i am more "there's only us... forget regret or life is yours to miss." (which i'd thought for the longest time was "there's only love...forget regret..") the other voices of fear and regret are there, so that core desire can get lost or unheard, but it truly reflects how i feel about life. unfortunately, because those other messages were literally and figuratively beaten into me, my fragile grasp on that core message can be frequently and easily broken. in fact, some days, all it takes is the smallest, indirect reminder of those messages to bring back the distress full force.

i've slowly been getting better at recognizing how i feel about things with the help of my therapist and caring boyfriend and friends. but it's a real challenge. usually, it takes at least a moment (frequently after the appropriate momenet). sometimes.... days/months/years. and when i do figure out how i feel, that's not the end of it. i need to come up with the courage to actually do what i want or even speak up about what i want, instead of silently going with what others want. which is partially why i have such a hard time interacting with high-maintenance, high-need people. i lose myself when i'm around them because i don't get a chance to figure out what i want in everything. it can also be dangerous to talk about my reservations about somethingoranother to some people, because in a well-meaning way, they'll try to be supportive by telling me that something will be fun or something should be fine... because i'll invariably feel like i should be able to handle it and overbook myself.

i guess these thoughts are coming to mind lately because i'm realizing that i've signed up for a class i might not be up for yet (since i completely burned out last semester). and it makes me panic. because then i won't be excelling, which means failure. and of course failure means i'm a bad person, etc etc etc. depression spiral, massive video game intake, reading of books, looking at art blogs online, fruitless online window shopping, not eating (yet still gaining weight, since i lost muscles by not exercising for the last 5 years which slowed my metabolism), getting no actual schoolwork done, which causes another bout of spiral...

and i don't know how to stop. it certainly doesn't help to be around anyone that will inadvertantly trigger this cycle. i think this is why i've been in hiding -- skipping classes (so far, only one that i'm actually enrolled in), skipping information sessions, begging off social gatherings, etc. the hard thing is, because i'm feeling fragile, i haven't been calling up friends or visiting them to hang out... even though they're probably the best thing for me now. i just don't have the energy. and i worry that i'm being needy, or being a pest, or being tiresome, or annoying, or repetitive, or taking them away from things they need to do, blah blah. even though i know that my friends would probably meet with me if i told them i needed them, it still makes me feel guilty and fragile to even bring it up, so i don't. that's kind of the kicker with depression, isn't it? and i tend to have very interesting, active friends, which usually means they're busy anyway. :P

i guess i don't really have a neat little conclusion to this, since i'm still trying to figure it out. on that note, i will end this entry here. :P

(oh, another note. my family isn't evil. they've definitely loved me more than enough, but they're people with faults, as we all are. because of their own backgrounds and their own issues, they've made some mistakes with me that i'm struggling with to this present day. chances are, i will probably be talking more about those mistakes when i'm talking about my struggles than the good, but i don't want to misrepresent them as horrible people or anything. in fact, it's probably why i have a hard time sorting what was good vs. bad, because there was a (un)healthy mix of both.

isn't it eery that "familiar" is derived from "family"? makes me wonder about the things i find familiar.)