littlestar

and it always made me sad that my mom made me stop. i understand it from her point of view: i had just returned from korea and i wasn't practicing as much as i used to or needed to because i was trying to catch up in classes and studying for the SATs, applying to school, etc. but really... i don't see myself as ever having more time than i did then. =p

i see my sister play now and how she constantly argues with my mom about practicing, wheedling to cut away 3 minutes and it makes me a little sad. it was another avenue of creativity that seemed to have been closed against my will. first art, without any support or lessons, i got discouraged and stopped pursuing it in 7th grade. then piano, because i had been forced to quit when i still wanted to, in a situation i felt was entirely created by my parents at the time (i'd been sent to korea for 1.5 years, and either had the option of dropping down a grade and taking it easy or going into my regular grade and try to catch up to all my friends in the honors classes. i chose the latter and managed to cram 5 years of science in to 3 years and 4 years of math into 3 and worked my way up to english literature ap and french 3 honors. my senior year was not exactly a happy one, academically.)

it makes me wonder a lot of things like... well, if i'd been encouraged for my curiosity in the arts, would i have tried for science so much? if i'd been left alone to continue my study in piano, would i have had enough creativity room left for me to have continued on my med school track? i wonder how much of how i was able to continue in a mentally interesting but not really openly creative field like medicine and science because i was acquiring those freely creative moments from things like piano, art, reading, writing, exercise.

i wonder that i might have switched over to art because circumstances of life and demands of the field were slowly driving me towards the "drier" elements of sciences, leaving little time for these creativity breaks that i so needed.

it was that thirst for something that was rejuventating inside that drove me to art. because i realized that i needed time to spend taking care of myself and that going into medicine wasn't going to allow me enough time for that. i'd come to a point to realize that the trauma that i had tried so hard to work past, to work around, to work despite of... whether i want it or not will continue to be a part of my life. that that past is a part of me whether i will acknowledge it or not. and i can acknowledge it and make room for it in my life so that i can better fully enjoy the rest of it, or i can continue to work as if nothing had happened and slowly work myself into the oblivion of fatigue, stress, depression and dissatisfaction.

i had to struggle with the feeling that i was somehow deficient, because i couldn't work as hard as other people. but when i tried to work as hard as the other people, i would drive myself to sickness and start falling apart. i was envious, jealous and at the same time, scornful of people that didn't have to deal with such things. it seemed unfair, that i had to carry on despite all these things whereas others didn't have to make time for therapy sessions or panic attacks or depressive bouts or etc etc. because i recognized that most people wouldn't understand, i stopped talking to them about my problems... then that led to even less understanding,to people thinking that i never had any problems because i never talked about them and silly statements like how i just need to work harder or focus more or push myself to the limit... it was hard to admit that i was working at my limit and that i needed to let up when it felt like other people were just passing me by.

honestly, looking back, i think i needed to take semesters off to just regroup. but at the time, i couldn't explain that to my parents, who were supporting me and were and are in denial of the effects of the things that happened. instead... i stopped going to church, where i felt the pressure to be open about my problems yet faced judgement/misunderstanding/unhelpful comments about them ("just pray" "god has a purpose/plan" "sin" etc). i tried instead to get out of that situation even faster by trying to catch up in school (again), taking summer classes, taking my mcats on the earlier end, etc... and i found myself heading into a direction that i had planned to go, but no longer fit for me. so i stopped.

i took some art classes, liked the people i met, found that art made me feel better about myself, life and just put me into a zone where things, for a moment, were at peace. i mean... it's not all zen-like or something, because there are definite struggles and failures and frustrations to be had in art as well... but the searching of it, searching of myself, that gave me a sense of contentment that i knew i would have a hard time finding in a traditional/typical job/career.

i still struggle with the pressures of needing to succeed. after all, my ideas on such things as life and the value of it are very different from my parents' and relatives. as much as i wish i didn't care about such things, i do. part of it is validation... i don't want to have to struggle to explain to people why i made the decisions i did and try to prove to them that they are valid. a part of me knows that in the end, it is only my opinion that matters, but i would be lying if i said that others' opinions didn't affect me at all. the other is pride. i want to know that i'm good at what i'm doing and usually success can be a decent benchmark for that. but i think i'm still looking for little signs that verify that i did make a good decision in choosing to go into art. little successes signify to me that i have a chance at this and that i didn't make a horrible mistake in throwing out everything i'd done so far to take this chance.

honestly... i don't think that i would care so much about the success thing if i didn't feel like i would be horribly failing my parents and relatives in not being monetarily successful. but when you have people telling you that you're not being good enough... it's hard. it's easier to just succeed and make them shutup.

and maybe... with enough therapy and growing, i will realize in my gut and not just mentally that their opinions don't matter enough to make me sad or unhappy. but right now, i'm not there yet.

so next semester... i'm trying not to burn myself out. i'm trying to take care of myself. i've signed up for only two classes, because i've heard that at least one of them make up for 2-3 classes as far as workload. i've recently found out that the teachers have changed for that class just for the following semester. i don't know whether that means that i'll have less work to do, but regardless, i've resisted to automatic urge to pile on more classes on myself to keep up an insane schedule.

and that resistance is a big deal for me. because i am accustomed to driving myself to the edge and i'm learning how to not do that. i'm going to instead try to do things like actually exercise and maybe lose that weight that's been making me feel so bad for the last 1.5 years. i want time to actually read my ever expanding library of books. i need to learn how to sit still for 5 minutes, without worrying about the future and the past. i need to learn how to be present and in the now.

i am still learning to acknowledge the things i didn't want in my life as things that can still participate in it. that is... i'm trying not to work around, despite, more because of the things that happened... i'm struggling with the inertia of working myself to the bone to drive away the feeling like i'm not good enough. i'm trying to figure out how i can give myself room to heal and still enjoy life and make my way in it.

honestly, our lives are short, we shouldn't spend it all away on just working. we shouldn't spend it all on making ourselves feel bad about ourselves. our lives are too short to mistreat ourselves and the people around us. it seems to me that that is something i could spend a lifetime learning how to do, and i don't mind it one bit.

and maybe someday, i can buy myself an electric piano and take some lessons again, or learn guitar. :) that's definitely something to look forward to.