littlestar

this whole fuzziness, feeling confused about what i need to get done or what i need to do and also the general feeling like i'm just going through the motions to get my work done without really understanding what is going on....

that's doing odd things to my brain.

i know my art prof john clapp said that this will only be like this for my first semester, that by the second and third semester you'll be used to running off no sleep.

but right now... what it's doing is kicking up old flashbacks and memories and it's back to those days of having truly upsetting moments just crop up in normal times of day.

a little disorienting? i think so.

for the last 5 years (wow... already five now) i've been battling with anxiety and (probably) anxiety driven depression. i've had symptoms of PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder, a type of anxiety disorder) for years, some years better than others. it gets a little crazy and the world seems a little more threatening since it is so disorienting and then you can lose sleep or in my case sleep too much and you can find yourself sittign alone at home just worrying, not noticing the time passing by or realize that you've been sleeping about 16 hours a day (which, at least with the sleeping too much thing, thank god, hasn't happened since my second year at cal). i've tried different medications and none of them really work for me. i've been seeing a therapist for the last 4.5 years. i'm only 24 now.

i don't know why i'm dumping on this onto my blog right now. it's a little too public a domain. but at the same time, i'm a little frustrated with how people don't talk to each other.

i think it's because i'm a little too tired, it's bringing up old painful memories and i'm still having to work like there is nothing else impeding me and my performance.

i'm a little sick of how this society forces you to be "productive" whether you're ready for it or not. and since people are so aware of each other's opinions that no one really communicates. no one really just owns up to their fears and says what's going on in their lives or their minds. instead, we tiptoe around each other to make sure that we seem like everything is ok.

i went through a whole phase where i would resent people for asking me how i was doing when all they really wanted to hear from me was that i was doing fine. then they have fulfilled their role of being a "caring person" and i have fulfilled their expectations of being fine and they don't have to really do anything.

i mean... how irresponsible is that to ask how someone is doing, really? are you really prepared for the "actually, i'm feeling pretty shitty today" answer? if you were given that answer, would you really want to do something about it or are you just going to lamely avoid the issue because it got just a little too messy for you?

but yeah... mainly, i think these volatile emotions are coming up because being this tired and disoriented reminds me of a time where i was essentially isolated (abusive relationship) and my friends didn't know what to do or ignored it and i was drowning in the amount of work i was supposed to do while not getting it done.

i'm tired of how everyone puts up a front of being ok and everything being fine when they aren't. or why people don't talk about anything more important than what they saw on tv or another factoid or trivia while ignoring the vast gaping need that everyone else can see. i don't understand why people have to be lonely when all they need to do is talk.

of course you have the flipside where people only think their problems are the only problems that exist and are so focused on themselves that they can't really relate to anything that happens to others.

i'm an odd one anyway. i feel open to talk about pretty much anything in my life. if people asked me something i will be fine to talk about it as long as i'm not divulging something about someone else. at the same time, i'm also tired of talking without anyone having anything to say or worse, being judged because the person doesn't understand. a lot of times, that's not even intentional, it just happens. most of why i don't talk is because i'm already too tired of talking about it or too tired and want to do something else or because i get the impression that the other person just isn't all that interested. and then you have the times where you've told someone just a little too much and you wish you could take that back but then i realize it doesn't matter because either the person won't remember anyway or it might just come in handy to them later. all you can do is hope that it's not something that will be handy against YOU.

i'm just a little annoyed right now because i have a feeling that i'm becoming more spacey, not just because i'm not getting enough sleep but because that kicks up flashbacks and memories it does weird things to my psyche and then when i actually do sleep it's not restful. so then you go through the rest of the day disoriented which once again kicks up more things and cycle and repeat.

it's like feeling myself slowly go insane. which is a tad worrysome.

i mean... how rambly has this post been so far? i have a million thoughts going in millions of other directions and i can catch snippets of some but not others and it just buzzes in my mind in a thrumming frenzy and i have no clue how to snap out of it because this is just happenning all on its own.

the world would be a better place if people knew that they were loved or cared for. if people knew that they were appreciated they wouldn't go out of their way to tear each other down.

my brain is melting.

i need more sleep.

i want a hug.

poopie.