littlestar

it was a hot day.

actually, it was pretty nice outside, my apartment just burns up, that's all.

i can't wait to have air conditioning.

so i have decided to get the canon s400 ELPH to replace my nikon coolpix 885. it's cute. it's small. it's freakin' expensive.

i never thought that i'd have to spend that kind of money again. well, at least not for a while. man...

i guess i should forget about getting a tv that's larger than 13'. that's what i use right now. it's smaller than standard computer moniters now. =)

i was telling my friend alisha that i miss my bible. thinking that i would be moving last friday, i packed it. now it's at my friend's place in a box out of 20 or something. despite the fact that i don't read it that frequently, i still miss it and wish that it was here.

i know that i've been pretty bad about going to church and all... i just still have issues to deal with. i thought that i'd start going to church down in san jose. maybe i actually will again.

see... this is weird for me. i grew up in the church. at the age of 8 i was telling my parents that i couldn't miss church, even if i was sick. i loved god and jesus and thoroughly believed that they love me.

i still love jesus and god, just not as strongly, i guess.

god, that sounds bad.

anyway. i love them, i do. i just don't trust them to take care of me. at least, i'm starting to recognize that "taking care of me" can't be put into a human level. they aren't going to make sure that i don't get hurt... by other people, by moving cars, by a random accident.

i suppose they take care of you by caring for your soul. allowing you the freedom to love others because you know that they love you. giving you that extra push to love others because you know that in loving them, you are loving god and jesus as well.

but man... is that stuff tough to accept or what?

as if i don't have vulnerability issues already, i have to put myself out there on purpose, knowing that i might get hurt?

and this is where i'm still working on it. after all, jesus did say to be as pure as lambs but cunning like the serpent.

i will be cunning. i will learn this thing called boundaries that my parents didn't get across to me very well. i will develop a stronger sense of self-esteem and some amount of confidence. i will learn to be assertive.

it's either that or i die trying.

anyway. i think i'm fairly heat exhausted enough that what i just wrote didn't make sense to me. i tried two time to spell the word "green" and i failed both times.

it's because i want a lime-green bible. go ask alisha.