I thought about updating the other entry. But it's more fun to have 2 blog entries in one day. The good news is that my mom is not seriously hurt (she'll probably be sore tomorrow). The additional good news is that the damage to the Integra was much less than I was picturing. (I pictured a crumpled little white car :-( Instead, it has scratches on the back bumper, the back license plate is bent under a little bit (not enough that you can't read the numbers). The front suffered a bit more damaged. There is a trailer hitch embedded a little bit underneath the left headlight (if you are sitting in the car). You can't see any of the round hitch, just the metal sleeve that holds it to the truck. Amazingly, it didn't hit the radiator, so the car is drivable. There is a little bit of damage to the casing over the light, so that will have to be replaced. But all in all, not too bad. I'll take it to the body shop later this week (apparently my deductible on that car is $250) and we'll see how expensive it will be to fix the whole thing or maybe just the front bumper and light. And we'll see if my insurance rates rise...
Anyone have an extra vehicle they want to sell (or maybe rent to me short term)? My mom got in an accident in my other car (the Integra). She's ok, but we'll need another vehicle to use until we know whether that one will be totalled or what. (I would be the one driving it, and letting her use the [gulp] S4.) Apparently she was rear ended and that pushed her into the car ahead of her. I think the back end is in worse shape than the front, but either way it will minimally need repairs. Yay. Happy Monday.
Things I feel strangely compelled to confess... (see extended)
Attention span - I have the attention span of a gnat lately. I can barely finish magazine stories, forget books. I forget what I went into a room to get (if you've seen my house you know that it can't take more than 30 seconds to get from one end of the house to the other - how do you forget in 30 seconds?).
Obsessing - I've noted here many times that I obsess. I was pondering today why I do this. I think it's because it's easy and comforting to go back to the same thought patterns. They are dead end, and you know even when you're doing it that nothing will come of it. But you do it anyway. Maybe it's the fantasy aspect of the obsessing - that you get a little mini-break in your day to think of the object of your obsession and you in some exciting or forbidden situation. Or maybe it's just a break from the mundane details that I crave - a lovely little daydream to make me forget that I work for an asshole. Or maybe I obsess because I know that whoever I'm obsessing over is clearly not the one for me (which of course makes me want him intensely).
I'm an oversharer - Yes, it's true. I share more than others want to know. Maybe not all the time. At some points I'm sure I can tell stories that are perfectly appropriate, and in keeping with the comfort level of my audience. But sometimes I wander off the deep end and share things that make people visibly squirm. Sometimes if I sense I've stepped over the line, I'll go ahead and run with it (why do things 1/2 way?). But sometimes I do it unintentionally. This is my one and only official apology to those of you have been the recipient of my overshares. Sorry.
I read too many magazines - I wandered around the house today picking up magazines to put in the recycling bin, there were many, many, many. And it makes me look like I'm a bit schizophrenic. There's Car and Driver and Oprah, Newsweek and Entertainment Weekly, Fortune and Men's Journal. I get every frigging clothes catalog, especially Victoria's Secret. My mailman must be confused about whether a couple lives here or not (although all the subscriptions are in my name). And then I go out and buy Cosmo and Glamour (and the occasional guilty pleasure of Vogue - although it's damned expensive and full of ads - although they are beautifully shot).
I'm a music hog. I have more new music than I can possibly absorb, and yet I want more. Because I'm an idiot, I was a member of Columbia House. Now that membership has morphed to BMG. The good news is that alllllllll the points I earned for being a longtime CH member moved to BMG, which has a much easier way to redeem the points. So I used my points to get (rather quickly too) a bunch of new music. See extended for the new ones I have (I'll go back and rate them another time) and the additional new ones I want.
New ones I have (but either have barely listened to or not listened to yet):
Garbage - Bleed Like Me
Coldplay - X & Y
Bob Marley - Legend
Bon Jovi (yes, I'm a throwback to the 80s. And I had various BJovi songs stuck in my head during my trip. Sue me.) - Greatest Hits
Earth Wind and Fire - Greatest Hits
Mary J. Blige - Mary
Michael Buble - Michael Buble
I bought these in Amsterdam
Aretha Franklin - 2 CD set
latin music - 3 CD set (haven't listened to it yet)
James Blunt - kind of folky and interesting
Things I want:
Sheryl Crow - Wildflower
Fiona Apple - Extraordinary Machine
Franz Ferdinand - You Could Have It So Much Better
Stevie Wonder, The Definitive Collection
Liz Phair - Somebody's Miracle
Dar Williams - My Better Self
Oooo! If I buy all the new ones, I can have only chick music in my CD changer, and can torture any guests in my car with all the girlpower/estrogen overdose. Hm. That's a reason to buy them right there...
Unless you want into my head for some random stuff that's been rattling around, don't read the extended...
Work rants - Ok, rant isn't quite right. More like observations. A) It sucks to be back after having 4 weeks off. This is not a surprise. What is a surprise is how quickly it set in how much work sucks. I've only been back 1.5 weeks and already hate going to work every day to the point that I didn't go in to work today. Which of course only makes things worse as I'll have that much more to do tomorrow. B) I'm looking internally for a job, but I don't have high hopes that I'll be allowed to move (a specific upper manager will actively block it if it's within this person's power). C) Which means that I'll be looking externally for a job as well as internally. Which means this is an opportunity to change what I do - which is both exciting and scary. This doesn't mean I HAVE to revamp what I do, but it's fun to think that I COULD do something different and more fulfilling. My, what large vistas are open in front of me... D) Is it wrong to surf for jobs while at my current job? I also suppose that means I'll have to revamp my resume again... woo hooooo....
Halloween - Ok, so what's the fascination with Halloween anyway? There are a gazillion things going on in the bay area for Halloween - corn mazes, stuff at Great America, flashlight tours at the Winchester Mystery House, haunted houses like Gyro's, the Exotic Erotic ball, and of course house parties.
Is it the opportunity to scare ourselves silly that we like about Halloween? Is it the opportunity to dress up, to let down our guards in a way, to play at being someone else? Is it the opportunity to show our creativity in our costumes? Is it something that harks back to the need to dress up scary to scare away the demons out in the world?
It's interesting that as a kid I used to love scary stuff - scary movies, scary books (I read ALL of the early Stephen King), and liked doing jumps on my little pink girly bike with the pink streamers on the handlebars. Nowadays I feel like all I do is find reasons to avoid adrenaline - because I feel like I live much of my life scared. Who wants to add any more fear or adrenaline to a life that gives you plenty of that every day? Fear of little things like the wasps that are still somehow managing to get into my house, fear of the big things like am I ready to make a change from a place that I"ve worked for 8 years, the adrenaline rush of almost hitting the car in front of you that braked really hard, fear of relationships, fear of the lack of relationships, fear that I won't be able to figure out an interesting (and cheap) Halloween costume, etc. I wonder if it means anything if I'm starting to branch back (however slowly) into stuff that scares me?
Vulnerability - Interesting that what I find attractive in other people is so hard to do myself. Not that I'm not vulnerable, just that I hate it when I am in that position. So if you know that it can be attractive in someone else to be open, vulnerable and honest, why is it so hard to let down your guard and do that with another person? Duh, because you fear getting hurt.
I guess what made me think of it was being sick while I was gone. I had to rely on other people to help me, and had to actively ask for help. I hate being in that position - of needing help, needing to ask. But at the same time, it was great to do it because it showed me that people willingly step up and help you. And it wasn't as hard as I might have thought it would be (probably because if I'd been feeling "normal", I wouldn't have had to ask). But in being sick, I was vulnerable and probably much more open than I would normally have been (i.e. I didn't have any reserves of energy from which to put up my normal walls and masks). And in a way, that was good - it reminds me that I can trust other people if I'd try it occasionally.
Vacation letdown - I love going on my bi-yearly trips to Europe. I had a good time, but it's hard to put into words. I always come back and feel like I should have these great stories to tell. I only sort of do. Most of the things that I enjoyed or saw I have trouble putting into words. I 've had conversations with bunches of different people about my trip, but the most animated conversation I had about the trip was with someone else who had interesting stories to tell about some of her trips. I'm so bummed because I want to find ways to tell people what things that I saw meant to me, but I feel like all I end up doing is alienating people - either because they end up hearing my stories over and over, or because they can't relate because they've not had the opportunities to travel, or maybe because I don't actually have anything interesting to say. Maybe it's that I don't feel like my stories hold up to being on stage (so to speak - with me holding forth while others listen) while when it's a real conversation with back and forth, I feel like I then have interesting things to say as I'll be more sure that the stories are relevant to something.
Oh, and I'm actually glad to not show my photos to people - turns out that posting them online so folks could look at them at their leisure (or if they want to) was a good idea. While I would like to explain some of my photos, or to see if any of them resonate with other people, the actual showing of them and explaining of them is a letdown. Ok, maybe it wouldn't be that way with everyone (I'm basing this on showing and explaining my photos to one person). But it was a disappointing enough experience to make me not want to repeat it. I think that the disappointment was due to the other person not being at all as interested in the photos as I was (which makes sense as the person wasn't there to experience it). But also I hadn't realized I was excited to share it, and then it was not fun to do it, so now I don't want to do it anymore. Which is a bit of a shame.