I've been remiss in my postings lately. I think it's cuz I'm having what's known as a life. How did that happen?
Ok, to bring folks up to date on my doings lately... I think the last thing I posted that really told you about my activities was after the week o' concerts. That was a good week - a bit frantic, but good overall. It was funny that Ianthe was trying to see me during that week and I kept blowing off events (especially because I ALWAYS show up to EVERYTHING) so she finally had to email me her new about getting engaged. I feel like I was busy last week, but looking back at the calendar, it wasn't that full. Hm...
Had dinner w/a friend last Monday. Actually before we had dinner we went walking around the walking trail near the dump near work. That was sorta bizarre - we got a bit lost. Not that we couldn't follow the trail - just that we had walked fairly far already before we realized that we didn't want to either back track or walk as far as it looked like we'd have to walk around to get back to where we started. So we were walking around next to this smelly canal-thingy. Not enjoyable. The rest of the walk was nice - the sun was setting, the wind was blowing enough to keep us from being sweaty and gross, got in some good exercise, got to work out a lot of agressions, etc.
The problem was that it exacerbated my allergies, so I stayed home the next day. Of course that turned out to be a bad idea - I'd have gotten more rest by going to work. I called in to two conference calls, and my mom came by. I should know better than to take days off.
Later in the week I had dinner with all the SOs of the boys who were off at P's bachelor party. That was a really nice evening - just got to chill out and have dinner with the gals. For someone who thinks of herself as not really a girly girl, I sure do enjoy my estrogen-fests. Oh well... maybe I just need to get over myself and start wearing pink.
Then this weekend was P & E's wedding. That was wonderful. It was nice on a number of levels. Got to see all my friends in one place, all dressed up, all happy. Got to see two friends pledge themselves to each other in love. Got to see that I am not the most anal excel person in the world (E makes me look positively disorganized...). Got to spend time with Mark. Got to get my dance on. Got to enjoy the whole thing without having to drive (thanks to S & A). Got to be dressed up like a girl - got to wear fun girly shoes that I loved and hadn't had a chance to wear yet, got to wear a fun/flirty girly dress that is both totally my style and I think totally surprising for everyone to see me in.
Many many thanks to Mark. I finally got to enjoy a wedding with another person. He did a great job - blended in well with my friends, seemed to enjoy himself which meant I didn't have to babysit him, took good care of me. Had a great time dancing with him (some day I'll let go and learn how to let someone else lead - leading on the dance floor is not a good thing for a girl...) He was a perfect gentleman, so I got to be a lady - that was nice.
Monday was football at kwc's. That was fun - not the game itself (I don't actually remember anything about the game), but was fun to hang with the gang. And anything that gets me out of my house and out of my head when I'm stressing out is a good thing. Stayed home last night - not a good thing - too much time obsessing about crap I can't do anything about and that sucks. Had dinner tonight with a friend - that was nice, got to vent about all the crap I'd been obsessing about. Somehow having to make coherent sentences about the obsessive thoughts seems to help break the circular patterns the thoughts go in, and I can realize that obsessing is ridiculous if you can't do anything to change the situation. Supposed to have dinner with another friend tomorrow night (belated birthday dinner). Then plans on Friday (watching the tivo'd debate - good for my brain) and Saturday (maybe Monterey/Carmel - good for the soul) and hopefully brunch on Sunday. Whew.
Oh, and I have a dentist appt. tomorrow. I think I forgot to tell anyone at work that I'd scheduled it. I'm nervous... haven't been to the dentist in FAR too long. I am pretty sure I don't want to know what he's going to tell me. But at a guess - I will have to have a minimum of 4 fillings redone (possibly more - who knows). I know the cleaning will suck. But as much as all this will suck, I'd rather my teeth didn't fall out of my head. Wanted to get stuff started so that if there are a lot of things to be done that I can bridge the calendar year with the work to try to get it all done at once(ish). I'm just hoping that when I get the fillings done the novocaine doesn't make me sick to my stomach like it did the last time I got them done.
(Is caffeine more psychological or physical? Or did I get caffeinated instead of decaf? The fact that I drank coffee at all is weird, and I hope I don't regret it. I'm bouncing off the walls, but so tired I can't think straight or type correctly. Do you ever get the feeling I write here when I have crap to get out of my head that normal people would have conversations with their SOs to get out?)
Why do we resist so hard that which we know is true?
Every fiber of my being wants to resist this truth, to reason a way out of it, to pretend it's not really true. It makes my stomach hurt, and my throat constrict. Why? It's only the truth. It's only a truth that when I look at it head on I know is true. I can't shrink from it, or now that I know it's true I can't pretend it's not there, or that it's a mistake, or that I'm missing some critical piece of the equation that makes it not true. If the truth is supposed to set you free, then why do I feel so constricted, so pushed back into a box? Especially when it's a box of my own devising - a box that I created, that no one but me is keeping me in.
Funny how my music choice for thinking and writing tonight matches my denial of the truth theme. It's so weird that we cling to the very chains that bind us. Maybe it's because the confinement can be reassuring - if you know the exact boundaries in which you have to operate, it's easy - everything is known. Maybe we fight being loosed from our bonds because it would require a venture into the unknown - we'd have to find out what's beyond the confines of what we've already (or always) known.
The funniest thing is that it's not even really my mind that seems to be trying to hold onto this truth. It's my body. Literally, my stomach is clenched. I bet if I laid on the bed right now I'd end up in a fetal position. I have to keep reminding myself to breathe, to stop holding my breath - as if by holding my breath I can deny the inevitable. For once it's not my mind that's resisting - my brain already sees the truth, has seen it coming for a while and knew that it was just a game to pretend the truth wasn't there. I'm just waiting for my body to catch up to my brain in being able to be set free. I don't even want to eat - that's pretty fucking rare for me; normally that would be my drug of choice.
Maybe if I put 1/2 of the energy I'm putting into resistance into moving forward, moving beyond, I'd actually get through faster. But those shackles were familiar, their chafing a known quantity. The skin underneath is raw, is unfamiliar with sun and air. The skin will get used to air and sun and become hardened and healed over. Maybe some day I'll forget that I had the shackles at all. But probably not - the scars become more psychic than physical. But those are the kind that are hardest to heal.
Have I mentioned that this whole being honest with yourself thing sucks? I'll just be hanging around waiting to feel freed...
Hey guys - I'm looking for any helpful info you have about cell phone carriers and phones. I'm looking to change my plan/phone, and need something with some sort of family plan so I can have 2 lines (with separate numbers) on the same plan. Any ideas on things to look out for (i.e. hidden pricing gotchas), carriers to avoid, etc.? Same with phones - I'd kinda like a camera phone, but not sure how much I'd really use it (and would I rather spend money on a little canon digital camera?). I don't do a ton of IMing with my phone, super special ring tones isn't required. I'd like good coverage, free long distance roaming, etc., but don't see a site where I can shop by feature and not by phone. Any ideas/help would be appreciated. If you don't want to comment here, you can try emailing me at gmail - cshellgo.
I haven't ranted in a while. And now I'm really in the mood to do so. I'm home sick and stuck on a con call listening to this fuckwad talk and getting more and more annoyed...
I fucking HATE my director. He's a fucking blowhard, he doesn't listen, he doesn't make any attempt to understand the history of how we got to where we are, he doesn't want to acknowledge that anyone else can be right but him. His fucking accent annoys the shit out of me. He uses everyone else's time to bring himself up to speed on shit he should have researched and understood before the damned meeting. He doesn't in any manner acknowledge that anyone else had needs that could also be met by making compromises - we DON'T COMPROMISE. Fucking asshole.
Had a great weekend. And with it I think I'm experiencing both the letdown thereafter, and the realization that my body has been eating itself to keep me going (sadly not getting rid of fat, just getting rid of anything that will keep me going longer). My voice is completely shot, and I can't breathe (I hate it when the allergies sneak up on me), and my ankles hurt (probably from dancing in heels for 2 hours) but it was all worth it...
I specifically chose not to go out on Friday to conserve some strength (or maybe to rebuild it before the weekend). Dunno if it worked. Chilled at home on Sat. before going to the Prince concert.
Prince was amazing. He had a couple of costume changes. He was in either red or white or a combination. His first outfit was an asymetrical red jacket (the tails were asymmetrical - the front was double breasted) over white palazzo pants. He wore higher heeled white boots than I think I would have dared. Later he came out in a jacket and pants where the front was white, the back was red with the curlicue bracket things that you'd see on a violin in the opposite color (i.e. red on the white side and vice versa). He came out later and played an acoustic set w/out the rest of the band, but all I remember at that point (much alcohol had been consumed) was that he was sitting on a stool and would spin around.
The stage itself was kind of interesting. Picture a big plus sign - that was the main stage. Overlay a smaller sqare within the "legs" of the stage and put them about a foot or two below the "legs" of the plus sign - that's where the band members sat (one on each little square). All the band members were pimped out in color coordinated outfits as well.
I knew this was supposed to be his last tour where he played his oldies, which is much of what prompted me to go. But I thought that meant he'd do more justice to the really popular ones from Purple Rain and such. But he essentially didn't play anything from Purple Rain as a full song, rather just a medley of bits of the other popular songs from that album, but he did do a full version of Purple Rain. He did however do some really old stuff (Controversy) as well as stuff from other albums (Raspberry Beret).
It was a smoking set. He was all over the stage playing to all parts of the arena and dancing and shaking his booty (to which the crowd went wild and is probably where I lost my voice). There were monitors up too so you could see what was going on even though he wasn't playing to our side of the arena. The outside of the arena was bathed in purple lights that looked like they had been trucked in especially for the event. It was actually kind of pretty and one of the few times I actually wished I had a camera phone. Everyone seemed really pumped up to see him too, and many people in the crowd were really dressed up for the show. Hell, I even did my toenails purple for the event.
One more interesting bit of trivia - I think that he's gone even more off the deep end about being religious. You could tell sometimes he'd changed the words to some of his songs. For instance, "shake your body like a whore" was changed to something I couldn't understand but I bet was considerably more PC. Which sort of seems to defeat the purpose of going to a Prince concert...
I had many, many drinks (mostly doubles I think), so besides the fact that I got to dance, I was feeling no pain. The entire concert was awesome, the company was great and I couldn't have planned a better time. Actually we were both a bit too drunk to leave right away, so we sat in the car in the parking lot talking and laughing for about an hour or so until we were good to drive home.
Then the next morning I got up and went to the same friend's house to go see Dave Matthews Band together. We drove up to the City, wandered around to find parking on the street and then walked into Golden Gate park. Because we had VIP seats we went in a separate entrance from the general admission folks (25th Ave vs. 19th Ave I think). We got to walk through the park a bit which was nice. It was a beautiful day. They had free bbq and beer, so since we didn't get there til 2ish, we decided to go get that stuff.
Then we walked in and it was a bit overwhelming. I almost walked past the entrance to the VIP area. There were a gazillion people. The stage itself was huge. We were sitting on a bit of a hill in a section separate from the general admission crowd. There were big colored flags flying on either side of the stage. There were two huge screens so you could see everything that was going on. Carlos Santana joined for a couple of songs near the end of the set. (I looked for photos on the web, but seemingly no one has posted anything yet.)
The set list (according to the DMB web site):
One Sweet World
What Would You Say
So Much To Say
Rapunzel
Joy Ride
#41
Best of Whats Around
Lie In Our Graves
The Stone
Drive In Drive Out
Loving Wings
Where Are You Going
Hello Again
Jimi Thing
Warehouse *
Sugar Will *
All Along The Watchtower *
Stay
__________________
Everyday
Too Much
Special Guests:
* Carlos Santana
In case I've been bitching too much lately - I have the most amazing life that I get to go experience those kinds of events - that I got to enjoy a beautiful day, wander around GGP drunk with a friend and great music, and then had a nice dinner at some random restaurant. It was all amazing and I'm sooooooo thankful.
Have you ever overscheduled yourself? I have had very little life for the last couple of weeks, had no plans for the long weekend (although a couple of nice things came together). And then I dorked out and scheduled everything in the world for this next week. Doh! ...
I have the Prince concert tomorrow night (super excited - can't decide if I want to dress up or not - listening to Prince now). Sunday is the Dave Matthews Band concert (even more excited about that one - which I should be as I shelled out big bucks for it). Dinners with friends scheduled for Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday is Lyle Lovett concert. Thursday is the kickoff of the first phase of the huge, one and only project I've been working on for the last 2 months. Friday is poker.
I'm a flaming idiot. Any two of those in the same week ought to be too much. And I have every damned day chock full of stuff. I'm not complaining - I was the one who signed up for all of this crap after all. But I have to un-sign up for some of it. I already cancelled one dinner, and will probably cancel the other one as well. Oh well, at least this time I'm smart enough to figure it out before I drop from exhaustion.
Randomly, I'm creating a playlist of driving songs. This is entertaining - not only to see what songs I have in my collection that I consider driving songs (some are wildly random), but also to look on the web for other people's ideas. Some I agree with (one of the songs that seems to be on many people's lists is Radar Love) and some I can't believe I didn't think of myself (American Pie), and some are just wrong (can't find an example right now).
For those folks who have iPods (although actually this may apply to any digital music player) - do you listen to your entire music collection on random, or prefer to use playlists? more...
I put one of my playlists on random today, and was pondering that I don't actually like the random feature for my whole music collection. I think partially because I have a specific mood in mind usually when I want to listen to music, so it's better for me to choose a playlist that goes with that specific mood. Besides, while I know many of the albums in my collection intimately, I find that the random feature for my whole collection requires me to skip a lot of music that I don't know/like. But the beauty of a playlist is that you can be sure you'll only hear stuff you like because you created it that way.
And do you guys ever create mix CDs for the car (or parties or whatever)? I keep thinking about doing that, but can't make up my mind about what I'd want on there. But at times when none of the music in my car is really right (like on a long drive) - wrong mix of moods or tempos or can't sing along with it, etc., then I want a mix CD.
(Can you tell I'm procrastinating at work?)
I had a strange conversation with someone today. I don't remember how, but we got to talking about photography. And he said that as an art form, he ranked it the lowest. He then amended himself and said that dance was actually lower on his personal scale. And I was aghast...
I guess I can kind of think of having a scale of which types of arts you like best to least. Or even having a scale of art in your head (or heart) that's ranked from most imaginative to least imaginative (perhaps going from collage or maybe some forms of rap to coming up with an entirely new musical composition). But how do you defend the ideas behind that? I mean, it's all just opinion, but can you really think that one form of art is particularly superior to another, or is particularly more or less devoid of creativity?
The conversation got cut short so I couldn't explore it with him, but now it has my head spinning. I suppose every person who considers him/herself an artist thinks their oeuvre is the highest (I would suppose), but is any form of art higher or lower than another? Does one form of art intrinsically mean something more than another?
He seemed to think music was the highest form of art. Is it because it personally touched his life in ways that other art didn't/doesn't? Is it because it's something he can create himself? Is it because it's something he can't create himself? Doh! I'll never know, I'm just left with these unanswerable questions.
So I might as well pose some more that have swum around my brain at various points: Are artists born or made? I know that you can nurture and develop a talent, or that through dint of much practice you can become good enough to be seen as an artist. But are you an artist simply because you have skill with something (painting, sculpture, piano playing, etc.), or because you bring something more to what you do?
I suppose there's the dictionary definition of the word, but is there something more to being an artist? Is art in the eye of the beholder, or is it in the heart of the beholder (so something that doesn't move you to feel something - even negative - isn't really art), or is it in the eye of the creator?
Is being an artist and being creative intertwined or synonymous? I consider myself creative in many ways (I put together ideas in new ways, or see new ways of getting to a solution that no one else has tried before), but is that the same as being artistic? Does the act of creation make you an artist (i.e. if I created a document that hasn't existed before - does that make me an artist)?
I was thinking about my hair today. Possibly because I have a hair appointment tomorrow. Possibly because I'm just a weirdo. Or because I saw Meta's new do. My thoughts were not very profound (or probably particularly interesting), but they are catalogued here for your enjoyment...
I remember when I had short hair thinking that I would like to grow my hair out long so I'd have more styling choices. And now that it's long (and even pretty long for my adult life at this point, though not as long as it's ever been), I find that I wear it in one of two ways. One is down, parted on the left side. The other is in a single ponytail in the middle of the back of my head. That's it. That's the extent of my styling (well, I put a bit of goo in it and then scrunch it most of the time, but something that takes 45 seconds hardly seems like styling). Oh... except occasionally I'll wear it blow-dryed out straight (after I get my hair colored since you're not supposed to wash it for a bit).
So I was trying to remember what I liked about having short hair (as well as what I like now about having it long). The biggest thing I can remember when I cut it all off the last time was how cool my head felt for months. Not cold - I was just aware of the temperature outside. Now the only time I notice temperature is when it's hot (like now). I remember feeling breezes on my neck and shoulders. Now the only time I feel that is when I have my hair in a ponytail, and/or when I swing the ponytail around to create a breeze. (Just did that - it's damned hot.)
There was something about having it short that made me feel punk-er, or more hard or something. It made me feel like I was in touch with my inner bitch - that I could let her out to show on the outside. I think that now that it's long I can get in touch with a softer side of myself, to allow myself to be seen as sensual and sexual (because it's a little tough to look at tousled hair and not think it looks like the person just got up from a roll in the hay).
Now that I look back at it, cutting my hair off (both in high school and after I started at my current company) was an act of defiance, of rebellion. It defied everyone's expectations of me, and changed me in not only their eyes but my own as well. People were horrified (wails of "how could you cut off all your pretty hair!?"), but I liked it. It made me feel more like me in some sense - like there was less of a barrier between me and the world, like there was nothing to hide behind.
Thinking about hair got me thinking about gray hair too. I looked in the mirror this weekend, and can see some of the gray coming in at my temples. Usually you can't see it because it's colored, but during the week or so before I get it colored again, I can see the gray hairs coming it. And it's depressing. Why is it that men with hair going gray at the temples look distinguished, and women with any gray hair (especially when you have dark hair because it shows up so starkly) just look old?
Now, given that I've got at least 10 years on most of the folks who post here, it's not really that strange that I have gray hair. Except that it makes me feel old. Which I don't feel most of the time (I think age is just a number). And I'm just realizing that getting old is going to be a bitch.
I love (what I've seen of) Meta's new 'do. I can never bring myself to do anything really wild with my hair like that. I want to, but I can't do it. Maybe it's vestiges of the good girl in me who wants everyone to like me. Maybe it's because the outside of me would then be so at odds with how I think of myself that I don't think I could pull it off. Maybe it's because I don't want to have to deal with the fallout of growing it out. Maybe it's because I'd be afraid my hair would fall out and never grow back the same way. Most likely it's because I can't commit - can't decide what I'd want to do.