Long time no write. Sorry, been busy.
I was pondering the ceremonies I attended today. One friend of mine (I guess my oldest friend now) graduated from college today. Another friend (from work) got married today. I was honored and happy to attend both ceremonies - it was wonderful that my friends wanted me to be a part of their special events, and I really do honor and cherish that regard and their friendships.
more in extended
But I was pondering how both ceremonies feel like something I have only the remotest chance of ever experiencing for myself. Yes, theoretically I could go back to school at any age (my friend is about 10 years older than me), and I have considered the possibility of getting a degree after I retire. But it's unlikely that I'll do that - I'll probably take classes because they'd be fun/interesting, but there's no real reason to get a degree.
But the wedding is the one that really feels remote. As we're going into wedding season, I have to gear myself up to go to weddings. This one was fine because I had friends there with me who weren't giving me the "when are you going to get married" thing, or pushing me to do the fucking bouquet toss. I just had a nice time, hung with people I liked, and basked in the glow of everyone's general happiness and good wishes. And most of the time, at most weddings it's like that. But weddings are tough too because I wonder when/if it's ever going to happen for me. And I try not to want it, but I do.
And so attending these things becomes bittersweet - something I have to psych myself up for. I have to put on the nice clothes and put on the smile and try to make it not too brittle, not too false, and to try not to try too hard to be having a good time. And that's all a lot of work. But I don't want to not attend - if my friends want me there, then I want to be there for them. But it takes a lot out of me to do it. You'd think I'd be better at it by now (I've attended a lot of weddings), but somehow it seems to get harder rather than easier. Unless this is the wedding where I turned the corner into it being more fun and less work?
I think I may have discovered my superpower. It's the ability to get the wildly inappropriate people to have crushes on me.
In any possible scenario where the relationship might be good for me, the object of my desire couldn't care less about me, thinks I'm a freak or otherwise is completely unattainable. However, I'm finding that my nascent superpower is beginning to come into its full flower - people who couldn't possibly actually act on their crushes are having crushes on me.
Am I imaging these crushes? Perhaps. But the crushed out signs are there. They try to hang out with me for very shaky reasons. They stare at me when they think I'm not looking. They obviously try to make me laugh. Or they try to impress me with their knowledge (especially the older ones). In other words they do all the things that I do when I have a crush on someone (admitted or otherwise).
It's sort of cool (in an I feel empowered by it sort of way). It's also sort of creepy (in an I don't really want to know what they are fantasizing about sort of way).
The first one I thought was a fluke. The second one I kinda thought that I brought on myself, and well... ok, I should own up to it and then let it go. Now... it's just sorta weird. The being the unavailable-man-magnet is getting kind of old.... I'd like to be an AVAILABLE man magnet. I don't entirely mind being the subject of someone's fantasies, but at the same time, I'd like to be seen for who I really am instead of some idealized version of who I am. Except that by virtue of the fact that we're friends (and nothing more), they actually see more of the real me than people I actually date, because I'm not trying to impress them or trying to hide the negatives (when I'm tired and cranky and grumpy and bitchy and whiny and teary). Hm... maybe when I can be as real around people I might date as I am around them, then I'd have the chance of someone else falling in love (or lust) with me?
One of the not so lovely things about home ownership is having to be the one who deals with (in whatever manner) the little things that go wrong around the house. And so it is that apparently it was time for my once (or is it twice) per year call to the plumber.
Much more minutiae in the extended...
(Sorry, wildly random brain dump follows...)
The good news is that it's done, and I didn't have to wait until tomorrow and have to miss work to get it done. The bad news is I had to pay a bit extra. I don't mind that, because now I can use my one and only toilet.
So that was a small expense. Now I'm pondering the bigger expenses that I know are coming down the road. Some are normal yearly deals like taxes (woo hoo, giving money to the government). Some are the once in a while big expenses like a new roof (imminent I think - and in the range of $10-14,000 - ugh). I also need to get a watering system put in. Theoretically I could do the work myself, but we all know that's not going to happen, so I have to save up some more money. Additionally, it's about time for my car to get new tires/balance/alignment. Yippee...
So what did I do in the face of all of these imminent expenses? You got it, I bought music/books... (until I remember to get kwc to show me how to use the amazon plugin, here's the list of stuff I bought):
Prince - Musicology
Joss Stone - The Soul Sessions
Ani Difranco - Dilate
Liz Phair - Whitechocolatespaceegg
Tracy Bonham - The Burdens of Being Upright
Orchestra Baobab - Pirates Choice/Specialist in All Styles
Buena Vista Social Club Presents Omara Portuondo
Book - Portable Oscar Wilde
In addition, I also got free from columbiahouse (because I'm a dork and keep them around for fun):
Jet - Get Born
chantal Kreviazuk - What If It All Means Something
Stone Temple Pilots - Thank You
Poe - Hello
You can kind of tell that part of my spending spree was looking for angry chick music to match my (fleeting) mood. Then I randomly changed to world music. And I also had a little dance/funk mood there that I'll have to explore more later, but Prince will work for the moment.
In looking around my office, I realize that A) if there's an earthquake, my CDs are going to get launched all over the room B) that's not a tragedy because they're not in any order that will be difficult to recreate, C) I have a lot of stuff up there that I haven't ripped yet, and D) that's ok because I'm running out of room on my iPod. I'll have to rotate stuff on/off of it soon (but not before I get all the new stuff ripped and on there), E) I'm not sure which of the >6 CDs to put in my car now...
Random - have to pick up my mom tomorrow from SFO. Yay... NOT. The reprieve is over, back to my regularly scheduled stressing. (Plus the fact that I managed to kill some of her plants... sigh...) Must remember to check tire pressure before driving to SFO - one seems to have a slow leak (so apparently the tires are sooner rather than later - crap). Anyone have recommendations on where to get tires that won't rip me off?
I'm excited about all the new music. And maybe I'll finish a book soon too (although I did read some magazines over the weekend). And the art faire thingy was nice too - makes me want to start playing with creative stuff again (not sure how to channel it given that I don't paint/sew/do pottery, etc.). Then again, that will also involve spending money, so maybe I'll hold off for a bit longer. Hmm.... or at least wait until my ADD settles down, yeesh... Some day I promise to start writing actually interesting stuff again instead of the crap that sloughs off from my day.
I was thinking about relationships and how they start and end. There have been good endings, either because it was sooooo good to get out of the relationship, or good because there was a minimum of acrimony and backbiting. And there were bad endings where there were too many tears and recriminations, or it wasn't a clean break or it wasn't really a break at all, just a prolonging of the back and forth.
More in extended...
In terms of starting relationships, there are some that you know are going to go well (like when you meet someone and within 5 minutes you know you're going to be fast friends). These are magical times where both people are on the same page, have the same general expectations, the chemistry is good, the communication is good and it all seems to come together. The problem is that most relationships aren't really like that - they take work, they take effort, but we've been led to believe from fairy tales to books to movies that relationships are supposed to be easy and effortless.
Some relationships start with a cloud over them, and you jump in anyway thinking that the cloud will clear or that your rain gear will be sufficient to weather the storm. Or you jump in with both feet thinking it's a small puddle, and it turns out to be much deeper than you thought, or vice versa, you think you'll fall for a while but then you're jolted when you're brought up short. Or you jump in thinking that you can overcome any failings/shortcomings/yellow flags, etc. Or you're drunk or desperate and not thinking about what you're doing.
So I was looking back at the good beginnings and endings of relationships, and trying to figure out what they had in common. I think that maybe each new beginning needs to be unique, because if you judge it too much on what you've learned in the past, it's doomed to fail at the outset. However, you shouldn't leave all your past experience outside of a new relationship, but maybe just inside the door so that you can either refer to it quickly if necessary, but also jettison it if it's not applicable.
In terms of what's common to the endings that went well, I think it's that both people got to be heard, there was some closure such that it could be let go, and that everyone got out with their dignity intact - either because both parties orchestrate it that way, or occasionally because one person takes the lead to not let the other person not make such an ass of him/herself that the parties can still look each other in the eye later.
All this thinking and writing has led me to wanting to thank (indirectly) the folks that I've been involved with, no matter how the ending went, because I learned from each and every person. And while some of those are lessons you couldn't pay me to repeat, some I'll get to keep repeating until I get it right. And I know I wouldn't be the same person if not for all the endings and therefore wouldn't have all the beginnings to come.
Maybe the universe's bonus plan to the good breakup is when you can really be friends afterward. Although at the time, the "let's be friends" line really just feels like a slap in the face. It takes being real grown ups on both sides of the equation to make that work. And I'm happy to say that some of my best friendships and the people that I really count on right now are people with whom I couldn't make a relationship work, but with whom I've managed to learn and grow as a person with their friendship, guidance and occasional ass-kickings.
(Yeesh, I'm beginning to sound like Alanis - thankful for everything. I suppose there are worse things to be. And you know me, I'll be back to being bitter and discontented any minute now. Until then, enjoy this glimpse of the kinder, gentler cshell.)
Oh wait, one more thing.... a blessing in disguise - the side effect of the super motrin making me slightly dopey during the day did not prepare me for the incredible night's sleep I got last night. For those of you who sleep like the dead, you have no idea what it means to wake up in the morning having not awakened AT ALL during the night (considering an average night is 2 or 3 awakenings or only one stretch of straight sleep longer than 2 hours). You know it was a good night's sleep when you wake up in the same position you fell asleep in, but it feels gooooooood.
I must be either in a manic state, or starting to feel better (in my life in general, not over the shingles thing), because I'm starting to organize get togethers again. I have at least 2 get togethers that I'm trying to spearhead. I do also now sort of remember why I stopped doing it - the apathy from people is overwhelming and a pain in the ass. So unless I'm committed to do it with or without other people, I won't try to organize stuff any more. I think that I hadn't figured that out before I dropped out of party planning for friends - I just planned stuff and got frustrated when people didn't participate or appreciate my hard work. So now I'll do it differently - just set up stuff I'm going to do anyway with someone always as a backup, and then it's a pleasant surprise when other people join.
Oh, and sorry for the 8000 small posts - but I figured that while I had the energy and impetus to write, I should go with that. I started with one gigantic post, but figured commentary was easier for each specific post rather than trying to address multiple (possibly) items in the same comment box. How do I get a sugar daddy to finance my life while I take time off to go write? (Preferably somewhere cool like Rome or Paris or Prague or something?)
Now that all the regular season tv shows are over and some favorites are gone forever, I was feeling at a bit of a loss. But then I remembered that I can read (duh).
With that in mind I need to:
A) take stock of how many books I'm in the middle of right now, and where they are physically, and come up with some arrangement for them (i.e. X stays in bedroom, Y in living room, Z in car, etc.).
B) I need to start queuing up the next books to read. I'm not really into book club stuff unless I have someone to discuss the books with, but am considering plowing through prize winners (just have to try a few from different prize categories and pick the one I like best). I like mysteries, but for some reason those can be hard for me to get into, so I prefer to find prolific writers in that genre. And I've been thinking about doing more critical thinking types of reading - stuff to actually learn something (although I'm skeptical that I'll finish any of those without an outside push).
C) I need to talk to kwc about how he and Meta do the nifty stuff to make the actual photos of the covers/links to amazon show up in my blog.
D) Figure out if any of the stuff I've read merits a review. (Not sure I want my critical skills up against the likes of Meta - especially when I read fluffy selections.) Or maybe not a review, but a post about stuff it's led me to research or idea streams it brought up.
E) Think/talk/write about how reading feeds my writing (does it feed it or inhibit me? how do you extract your voice - or the voice of that piece - from the babble of all the voices you've accumulated in a lifetime of reading? does it have to be great literature, or can it just be a good escape? can you willfully try to write a bestseller (i.e. formulaic), or do you have to dumb it down or smarten it up or tweak it just enough so the bones structure is familiar/recognizable, but taken in an interesting new direction? is there such a thing as a personal writing coach (someone to give you assignments, critique your work in constructive ways, etc.) so I don't have to deal with classes (although classes are good for other people's insights)?
Do you have any CDs that you return to like comfort food? Ones you know so well that if you hear one of the songs on the radio, you anticipate the next one? Ones that feel comfy and broken in like a good pair of shoes that have carried you everywhere? CDs that remind you of specific times and places, both good and bad? I'm listening to Tidal by Fiona Apple right now, and I remember what was going on in my life when I got it, as well as other times that I turned to it in grief or for general comfort.
So now that I'm thinking of it, here's my list of most likely to listen to CDs (not really in order):
Fiona Apple, Tidal
Bonnie Raitt, Luck of the Draw
Annie Lennox, Diva
Dar Williams, Beauty of the Rain
India.Arie, Acoustic Soul
Dido - Life for Rent/No Angel (both)
Sheryl Crow - mostly
Dixie Chicks - mostly Fly, some Home/Wide Open Spaces
Sarah McLachlan - any, all
Dave Matthews on random on ipod
Shelby Lynne - Identity Crisis (in the car now, becoming a new fav)
I think the common thread of all of these is that overall they are pretty mellow. I listen to different stuff to pick me up. And while each of these albums has some upbeat tracks, none of them are jarring if you've got them in the background.
Any of these CDs are not far from the CD player or are the ones I pick to listen to most often at work on ipod. I can tune in or out of any song at any point, depending on what I need/what I'm working on. What are the CDs in heavy rotation in your life?
...since I was at Kaiser yesterday and I had the doctor writing me prescriptions, I finally got blood pressure medication. I'm going to wait until the worst of the shingles is over before going on that (having to pee every 5 minutes as well as being generally grumpy and uncomfortable is more than I can sign myself up for). I suppose it's no surprise that I have high blood pressure (given family history as well as personality type), but I didn't think I'd need medication so young. I probably could put it off longer, and/or lose weight to get it in check, but the one will take more time than I want to give it, and so the former seems like a poor idea. I'll pursue the weight loss thing again more vigorously after this stupid shingles thing is over. Really.
As if my life weren't goofy enough anyway... I have shingles. The good news - I'm not crazy... this is something real. The bad news - it hurts. Not enough to get good meds, just enough that nothing is comfortable. I have a little line of sores (imagine a line of little bug bites) on the right side of my abdomen, and 3 different sets of sores on the right side of my back (one under my bra strap for the added fun of being unable to wear bras comfortably, but unable to go without). They started out looking like bug bites - red, inflamed, hot to the touch - but not itchy. Then they get water blisters. Now they are scabbing over. Woo fucking hoo. Did I mention it's related to herpes?
If any of you haven't had chicken pox yet, let me know and I'll avoid you for a bit. (You can't catch shingles from someone who has it, but you can catch chicken pox if you haven't had it. You can only get shingles if you've had chicken pox, most people don't get shingles, and it's really up to your body whether you have an outbreak or not.)
See extended entry - I PROMISE no pictures...
Imagine having a really bad sunburn such that anything touching your skin where the sores are hurts. Also imagine having one specific muscle on your ribs hurt to touch it, as if it is bruised, or closer - as if you got a shot in that particular muscle and it's achy and sore. Also imagine that not only things that should hurt hurt (i.e. cloth rubbing over the sore or scab), even things that don't hurt are damned uncomfortable (feeling like you have tingles in specific places, the touch of cloth on the skin being unbearable even if it's light - not painful, just irritating as hell as if a spiderweb is brushing your skin). Now imagine all of these things going on in various degrees since last Monday. No, not yesterday, LAST WEEK.
I'm a fucking idiot. I just thought they were spider bites or something, and figured that I was being a baby about the amount of pain and general discomfort they were causing me. I'm so worried about being seen as a hypochondriac (because I am one) that I refuse to see a doctor when I really need one. It really didn't occur to me that it might be something else until today when I stopped thinking of it as bites and though of it as a rash (duh...). And because I waited so long, there's nothing they can do to make it heal faster - I just get to wait it out another 2 weeks or so.
And, additional loveliness, the doctor warned me about possible side effects - Postherpetic Neuralgia. Yay... not only do I get to suffer with the sores for another week or two... I could have pain indefinitely. Now... given that I put the pain in the "high annoyance" category, and not pain, I doubt that it'll be that bad going forward. (And if mind over matter has any effect, I won't have any further effects because I REFUSE to.) But I must admit that the fact that every web site I checked HARPED on how painful it is, and there were links to pain management things on various websites... these things gave me pause. Maybe it'll be ok if I just take good care of myself for a while?
The body and nervous system are amazing, and if it weren't firsthand, I'd be interested in the neurological stuff. I wonder why this decided to come out of hiding now? Certainly I'm stressed out, but frankly, I'm not happy unless I'm stressed out, so why now? Doesn't matter really... just one more little interesting blip on the radar screen.
Have you ever seen something that is life-changing in a positive way for someone else, and even though you were not a part of the action, it changed you for the better in some way too? Things like watching your best friends marry their best friends, or watching a new parent learning that not only do they love their children, they like them as well, or making a connection in a very personal way to something outside yourself. Doesn't it make you want to make those positive changes happen for someone else as well?
I have to say that the travel bug has bit me again. I really want to go somewhere, somewhere such that every sense is awakened because I'm trying so hard to not miss anything, to take in everything, to make the most of every sight, sound, smell, taste and sensation. Even the hard core control freak in me wants to just surrender to the unknown, see where things take me, and just go somewhere new. Sigh.
Do you ever have the moments where either you forget to breathe, or your world contracts until all you can do is concentrate on your breathing to get through something? I had a small moment like that this week - I had to just remember to breathe while I waited for the story to unfold. And unfold it did, in the direction that I knew it would. And while it did I concentrated on keeping my breathing as slow and relaxed as I could, so that while I concentrated on that my mind wouldn't race ahead to things that I couldn't possibly do anything about anyway.
That theme has come up a couple of times over the weekend in things I've been reading, and things I've seen on tv. There's the moment where the characters are having a conversation, or setting up for a scene where you know by what's going on what the outcome is going to be - a proposal, being turned down for something that is your dream, or accepting something to become a shared dream or revealing something about which the recipient's answer is uncertain.
In any of the cases, time seems to slow down for the participants (and maybe for the viewer or reader if the scene is done well) until you're concentrating on the nuances of the words or the look in the person's eyes or the shape/sound/feel of what's going on around you (or the fact that you're aware of those things but they fall away).
In that small moment, you let go of any control over what's coming (because the idea that you had any control over it was an illusion anyway). I think the slowing down of time in that instant is a small way of trying to postpone the inevitable, or for you brain to come to grips with the enormity of a situation for which you can't really prepare. And then time rushes back at you, and in you're in the moment of dealing with whatever was said, good or bad.
Sorry, I've been remiss about postings lately. My excuse today is that I had stuff going on. Some good, some bad, some I"m still not sure how I feel about. Have to get up insanely early for a walk for the Support Network for Battered Women (bad about the early, good about doing something to help other people, good about doing something exercise-y, good about time to spend with the girls).
Tuesday night had dinner with a friend of a friend that I haven't seen in too long. I remember that she rocks. If I were a guy, I'd want her to be my sugar mama (and she could). Being around her reminds me about how we're alike, and they are qualities that I sometimes forget that I like about myself. But she kicks ass and makes me want to go out and do the same, and it's great to remember what it's like to close down a restaurant because you have so much to say to someone, and how cool is it that it's not fueled by sexual tension!
Wed. went out for Cinco de Mayo. That was nice, saw a good band. Got home a moderately reasonable hour, but got no sleep all night (ok, maybe 1.5 hours - in short chunks). Had gone to chiropractor earlier in the day, so I was tired and cranky and out of sorts anyway and then forced myself to go out. So called in sick to work on Thursday. I only felt a little guilty (bad) but am glad I stayed home (good). Only went out on Thursday to see the shrink (good), realized some stuff (good and bad) and went straight home after flaking on not only softball (yeah, I suck) and a friend from whom I was supposed to pick up money for the charity (bad and bad - but the second is redeemable because I'll write a check and collect later). Tonight stayed home to veg with tivo. And tho I want to stay up later, am going to bed now to be able to get up insanely early for the walk.
Doncha just wish that weekends were longer? Especially good weekends!
Wrapup - Thursday I played softball for the first time (maybe ever as an adult). Friday I went out for dinner and (woo hoo) dancing. Saturday I chilled out catching up on Tivo during the day, and in the evening went for a BBQ/movie night. Today I got stuff done around the house.
More in extended entry...
Thoughts from the above stuff:
Softball - We lost, but not as heinously as it could have been. I did manage to be out every time up to bat, but considering that I never really knew how to hit, and had had no practice, I will (for once) cut myself some slack. I've learned that I need some practice throwing. I'm moderately accurate, but need to work on my distance. I've learned that I can (still) injure myself in completely stupid ways. I managed to scrape up my thumb on Shane's mitt, and I did something weird to my thumbnail (same hand - luckily it was my left) such that it bled and left a lovely purply bruised bit under the nail. I am also a slow runner, and my thighs hurt inordinately for the last few days. Both this and the soreness after hiking with Ianthe last weekend point to the fact that exercise really needs to become my friend such that when I (inadvertantly or otherwise) end up exercising that I don't end up sore and popping advil like it's going out of style. Oh, and I managed to hurt my lower back somehow as well, but that actually seems to have sorted itself out pretty easily (only sore and swollen for a day or two).
Dancing: I really need to get over my fear of looking like an idiot. (Although I did take great strides by being on the softball field already.) I had a great time, but was just feeling too... something... to try swing dancing. It's not that I don't think I could pick it up, I think I was just not feeling like looking like an idiot. Well, that and the fact that I didn't want my inevitable frustration with not doing it as well/fast/gracefully, etc. as *I* wanted to come off as frustration with my dance partner. Which would definitely not be what I wanted.
Similarly the idea of karaoke came up. That terrified me. Public speaking - any day - even unprepared (although if I were prepared - no sweat). Dentist - yeah, I don't like it, but go. Spiders (which we know from how often they come up in my posts that I hate) - can be dealt with. Looking like an ass (not on purpose) in front of random people (whose opinions I wouldn't care about if I thought about it) - scares me to death. Dunno where this whole embarassment thing comes from, but I do know that I avoid it assiduously, even to the degree that I don't even like watching characters on TV be embarrased. Sigh.... I have issues... This is not to say that I won't get the hell over it (and probably sooner rather than later), just that I'm a dork for having these issues.
Chemistry: Chemistry is a weird thing. It makes you do strange things. It's even weirder the ways that it manifests itself. I saw someone at the movie night that I seem to have this insane chemistry with. Insane in that we seem to (both) revert to schoolkids who have to hit each other, tease unmercifully or pull each others' hair to vent our chemistry. It's completely stupid, but there is an undeniable attraction there. (Which I couldn't have admitted the last time I saw him as he annoyed me that much.) It's all the more stupid in that it won't go anywhere. Oh well, one more person to flirt with whenever I see him again (so far it looks like maybe once per year). Maybe that's why I'm so fascinating to married/committed guys - my willingness to flirt since we all know it's just for fun?
Other thoughts not really related to the weekend:
Atkins - Yes, it's that time again, time to go back on Atkins for a while. There are many reasons, chief of which is the idea that if I would consider dating, that should consider the eventual possibility (no matter how remote currently) that I may be naked in front of another person again someday. This is not currently a smiley thought. Well, ok, it IS, but not when I think of how I'll look. I'll be more confident and able to enjoy myself if I lose a bit of weight. Besides, it's summer, and time for shorts and more revealing clothes, and I'm not really ready. Oh, and the fact that I have a family reunion to go to in June may motivate me a bit as well. Actually, while the others are good enough motivations, the reunion has a specific date, so that'll keep me a bit more on track.