Ok, I'm going to have lots of random observations. Not sure how interesting any of them will be. You've been warned, so if you read the extended and are not entertained, it's on your head...
I don't think I have updated much lately about the normal, random goings on in my life, so here goes.
Christmas - I spent all of Christmas Eve day with my mom and her 2 cousins (one male, one female). I had met one of them before, and not met the other. Mom has told me that they are both gay. But I don't know if they know that I know. So there were some interesting conversations that sort of danced around pronouns, but it nothing bad. She and R (the male cousin) behaved like an old married couple - sort of bickering good-naturedly, but working well together in the small kitchen (knowing where the other person was going, coordinating on what to do and when).
His house cracked me up - there were tchotkes and all kinds of knickknacks and doodads around the house. Now admittedly the house was decorated for Christmas, but there were no less then 10 Santa Claus statues (there were on a ledge around the top around the room), and all kinds of other stuff. My mom showed me all the stuff she's bought recently from the thrift store - all kinds of little crystal heart boxes, etc. I'm just hoping she doesn't buy me that stuff for my house - it's cute, but definitely not my style.
We ate a TON of food - for the 4 of us we had a small honey-baked ham, a pork roast, pancit , and lumpia (Filipino egg rolls - you can put anything you want in the wrapper before you fry it - sometimes we do meat only filling, and sometimes it's ground beef with veggies, or for dessert we wrap up bananas dipped in sugar/cinnamon and fry those), rice, and more stuff that I'm forgetting. But it was all really yummy. Hm... we didn't have adobo, but that's really easy and I can make that myself. I should do that sometime soon... mmmmm....
I don't know the names of all the sweets we had. One was ube (it's a bit hard to describe - it's purple-yam based), one was leche flan (you guys should know that one) and a dumpling dish that mom told me the name of, but I can't find any recipes for it under the name she gave me, but I think this is pretty close. That one is my favorite. It's little sweet dumplings, coconut, tapioca balls, banana, in a coconut milk sauce. Yummy. (Part of the reason I might not have been able to find it is that she gave me the name of the dish in Ilucano, but the official language is Tagolog.)
Guilty pleasures - For some strange reason I'm feeling a need to confess. I can't believe that I watch "High School Reunion". It's such a piece of crap show - completely over the top, melodramatic and unrealistic, but as addictive as crack. And I am overly intensely interested in the outcome of any particular Gilmore Girls or Lost episode. I'm excited about the new year not because any particular personal new beginnings, but because there will be new episodes of my favorite shows again.
Rain - I forgot how much I love the sound of rain on the roof, or hitting stuff outside. I lived in the Santa Cruz mountains in the early 80s during the first of the El Nino years. We ended up moving away from there because our house was the last one on our street that was caught in a landslide. We didn't know the house had been built over an underground stream - any other time it would have been unnoticeable, but because of the sheer volume of rains that winter, the underground river caused the ground above it to slide. The house isn't even there any more. The retaining wall we put in is still there (and my name I think was put in the wet cement), but the fire department burned the house after we left it because it was a hazard. Maybe that's why I don't get that attached to the places I grew up - they were all impermanent anyway.
There are things I still miss about living in that house - looking out the window onto the fog creeping through the redwood trees. The three redwood trees that were right outside one of the windows of my room. The other window looked up to the ridge of the hill up the street from our house. I miss full moons in that house - the moon would shine in the skylight in the living room and through the windows, and it was this beautiful unearthly light that was almost as bright as day - but spooky and calming at the same time. From the one window in my bedroom I could watch the full moon rise over the ridge - it was beautiful, and felt like my own special light show put on by the moon just for me. My favorite pet died in that house, so that's the last place I have memories of him. We lived there for the first 6 months with no TV reception, so I read all the time (which I did anyway, but that's really all there was to do). I liked walking to/from school after the rain stopped and the sun came out - the whole world would be lit up and the sun sparked off all the drops dangling from the pine needles, and the stream running down the road was clear and made that pretty babbling brook sound.
I don't miss some things - the constant damp, the isolation from other people, the damned dogs that people let run wild that would chase me when I was just trying to get to or from school, being sick all the time from the mold/mildew. I was often scared in that house - being there alone after dark (and in the winter I left home in the dark and got home in the dark because being so deep in the redwoods cut down on the small amount of winter daylight). I hated having to light a fire for heat (to this day I suck at it) - it was difficult because the wood was often wet or I had inadequate kindling.
Men - I'm such a flaming idiot about men. I wish I could stop thinking about them, but I can't. So I might as well write about them. But then again, that could be scary if I ever start seriously dating someone, I'm sure I'd talk about the blog and he'd want to read it, but I wouldn't want him to either recognize himself in my mindless ramblings or to get jealous of my posts about other people. Hm... Well, in any case, that's not something to worry too much about right now.
Ok, so on that note, here's the confessional part. I have a couple of different prospects that I'm interested in at work (because that's th only place I see men, and because that way I can fuck up both my work and personal lives in the same fell swoop if I play things right). One actually asked me on a date, then flaked, then asked me on another date, and flaked on that one as well. I didn't even bother to contact him after that - I'm really not sure if he has realized that he's flaked again. (I'm going to bet that he won't remember until he sees me again.) He was the reason for my last dating rant, but that was before the *2nd* flake. I actually don't care that much about that - he was sort of a training wheels date anyway (he had one strike against him in that he smokes, but in the spirit of trying to keep on open mind I figured I'd go out with him - besides, it'd be good practice in how to keep a conversation going).
There is another guy that has asked me to do stuff (in a casual way - I'm not sure if they were meant to be dates or not), but I've had plans for every day he's asked me out. I'm trying to encourage him to not give up, but I'm also not sure how attracted to him I am. No great sparks, but I don't know if they could show up. He's fun to talk to, so that's a good start, and we'll see what happens. There is another guy that I contrived a reason to talk to today to try to see if he was wearing a wedding ring or not. And I wrote him off (during the work-related conversation), but then upon reflection I'm not actually sure which hand the ring was on. (I think it was on my left, but because he was facing me that would mean it's on his right hand.) Sigh. I'm a dork - I can't even correctly scope whether someone is wearing a wedding ring or not. That used to be the FIRST thing I'd notice after I thought someone was cute (although as we all know that method doesn't work for scoping someone who's involved but not married). I'll have to see if I can find him again in the hallways or something and scope it out more closely. Oh well... more crushes crushed.
And there is the guy that made me think about the whole connections thing today. We were in a class together, and he seemed to go out of his way to hang out with me, be near me, etc. And so I've of course been obsessed with him ever since. I rarely see him, and can't figure out a plausible reason to go see him (he sits in an out of the way place in a building I am in occasionally, but not as much as I used to be). So I saw him in the cafeteria today and he didn't even seem to notice I was alive. Shit. You would think that would make me give up on him (and probably will), but not until I've obsessed a little longer (was I imagining his interest, is he actually seeing someone, how do I find out, was he put off by the fact that I was having lunch with guys????).
Vacation - Since it's been slow at work this week, it's merely highlighting the fact that I don't want to work in my group any longer. So next week when everyone gets back, I'll go talk to some folks to see what opportunities there are in other groups. In the meantime, I'm looking at where to go on vacation next year. I have 14 days of vacation available now (and will accrue at least 1 day/month between now and whenever I go), so I'm thinking of taking 3 weeks (maybe 4 if I can get away with it). But I'm not sure where I want to go. I liked the tour I did last time in 2003, but it feels rather wimpy to go on a tour. But then again I don't want to go by myself like I did in 2001.
So, my first instinct is to go back to Europe again. Or specifically to Italy. I'm sure that I'd enjoy both of those options. But I"m also thinking perhaps I should stretch further afield, really do some more adventurous traveling. In that vein I thought of Costa Rica. And I'd like to see Australia/New Zealand some day too. The way that I could make the trip back to Italy more palatable to myself is to take some classes in Italian before going back. But the other places sound really cool too. But both of those are big unknowns - I am not sure I want to go to either of my alternate destinations by myself, but I'm also not sure I want to do a tour in either of those places since th tour company I used that I know I like doesn't offer either of those areas on their itineraries. I'm sure women travel alone all the time in those areas, but that doesn't reassure me. Nor does it make me think I wouldn't be lonely. I guess I'd meet people along the way, with the advantage that I could dump them when I want to, but that doesn't sound cool either. Obviously I could travel in the US - there are a million places I want to go that I've never been to (Grand Canyon, anything east of Texas pretty much - NY, NY, Boston, etc.) But somehow that doesn't sound exotic enough for a vacation destination - why spend the money to do that when I could (theoretically at least) do that any time, but I can only travel to some of these places while I'm young(ish) and have money. Then again, I've never been to Ireland, that could be cool. I could do a 2 weekish tour there and then spend another week wandering Italy on my own. Hm.... any suggestions?
I had the odd thought today about how tenuous our connections to other people are. There are people at work that I thought I had connected with at some points (by taking class together, attending functions together, working on specific issues together, etc.) that when I see them now in the halls or cafeteria don't even maintain eye contact or seem to acknowledge that they know me at all. Now that could be for many reasons (forgetting who I am, being unable to place exactly where they know me from, being distracted, thinking I'm someone else, etc.). But it still seems weird when you've had a connection with someone and then it's no longer there. More later, just wanted to capture that thought while it was here.
I suppose it's to be expected that some people don't connect to you in the ways that you thought they had. Or that again, when you see them in the halls that the connection is there all the time. But it is kind of interesting to see how you do, or do not, connect to people in your everyday life, and how those connections evolve over time. Sometimes the connections get stronger, sometimes they break. I don't mean to be trite or state the obvious, but I'm just sort of working through this a bit.
It's probably a good thing that I am not upset or sad about the changes in my connections to the people I'm thinking of. Just feeling philosophical, trying to kind of understand how things changed, why they changed, do I want to change it somehow, or am I ok with the way things are.
My family celebrates Christmas on Christmas Eve. So I got to open all of my presents already. I got some neato stuff, some of which I'm already playing with, and some of which I'll play with in the days to come.
I got some books, and lots of CDs. And an adapter thingy to use my iPod in the car. And I finally got my music imported from my desktop to my laptop computer. And I have lots of leftover ham and filipino sweets. Life is good. Merry Christmas everyone!
So I've now had my laptop and wireless hub for a week. I think for the first time things are working correctly. But I could be wrong in that assessment...
I got the wireless and laptop up and working in about 1/2 hour the first night. Then I decided that it would be a good idea to set up a bit more security for my wireless network. I doubt that any of the folks in the houses immediately around mine would hack into my network, but I could be wrong. If I just had a straight connection to the internet with DSL, then I wouldn't worry to much about it. But since I have a connection to my work intranet, I thought it'd be a good idea to make the connection a bit more secure.
I looked on the intranet and found the recommended settings. I went home that night and set up the wireless hub on those settings. And promptly lost my ability to connect my laptop (although my desktop still worked fine). I ran out of time that night, so I took it up again a couple nights later (when I got home in time). I reset the wireless router to the default connection info, and then started adding back bits and pieces while also trying to get the laptop to work.
It hadn't worked properly in a couple of days (or it was spotty at best). So I poked around some more and fiddled with some property or another (that I don't remember now so if it goes away again I'll have to recreate it from nothing) and it seems to be working. I have no great confidence that it'll work if I reboot everything, but it's at least working for the moment. I can't imagine what it would be like to try to set this up without being very computer-savvy. (Not that I'm any great shakes, but I can usually manage to figure things out and/or know the right people to call on for help.)
It's been a while since I did a rant about dating. So it's time. Admittedly, I don't do much dating. I'm trying to change that, to be open to going out with people that I might not normally have thought of as my type. In that vein I've been talking to some guys that have shown interest in me. It's kind of fun to meet new people and get to know them better, etc.
But it makes me realize that there are some things that I want in a man. I don't thing I'm asking too much, but apparently I am.....
I want a man to ask me out, on a real, unequivocal date. (I want to know it's a date, not wonder if he's inviting me out as a friend.) I want him to plan it, I want him to drive the car and open the door for me and pay for dinner. I want him to plan it with me in mind (i.e. have a couple of options of things to do, ask my input and then make a decision and execute it). It would be a bonus if we went somewhere that you have to dress up to go to, but even if it's not a dressed up place, I'd love it if a man took the time to work on his grooming a bit. (Jeez, if I have to shave my legs, he could at least shave, smell nice, not have stains on his shirt, have on a shirt that he had to iron, etc.) I want him to have intelligent things to say on the date, to laugh, to make me laugh. (Bonus points if he can make me laugh so hard my stomach hurts, or until I snort something out of my nose - but that might have to wait for later dates.) I want him to be kind and funny, and to ask me questions about myself and show interest in who I am and what I do. I want him to know how to flirt, and to do it shamelessly. I want him to seduce me - not to go in for the kill, but to take it slow and get to know me. I want to find him sexy, and for him to think that I'm sexy as well. I want him to be a grown-up - to know who he is, what he wants, how to get it and to have some ambition to be more, do more, be a better person. I want him to figure out how to get me to take my walls down, and to lower his walls and let me in as well. I don't care if he has baggage (we all have it), but I hope he's comfortable with it and/or knows how to put it down sometimes. I want him to know that I am comfortable carrying my own baggage, that I'm trying to whittle it down to a bare minimum. I want him to either have an artistic bent or to be interested in art even if he doesn't really want to make it himself. I want someone who will step up - will be a man and admit and deal with his feelings, will step up and be a grown up, will step up and take care of things (and occasionally take care of me). I want him to be sensitive enough to realize when there are things I don't know how to say, or can't say, or can't ask for but need anyway, and to try (even if he fails) to do the right things. I want a man who is generous - as generous with his laughter, his love, his friendship, his caresses, his intelligence, his ingenuity and his strength of character as I would like to be myself. It's a bonus if he has dark hair, dark eyes, sexy hands. I'd enjoy it if he answered email or made phone calls in reasonable amounts of time (girl-time, not guy-time). I'd love it if he were so excited to see me/hang out with me/chat with me that he set up the next outing at the end of the first one. I want a man to hold hands with me, to shepherd me into a door or through a crowd with his hand (respectfully) on the small of my back. I'd like to be with a man who is secure and confident enough in who he is to make me feel at ease and comfortable being the strong, confident woman that I am (sometimes). I'd like to date a man in touch with himself (and others) enough to know when he just shouldn't be around other people, and to beg off gracefully in that instance, or to let me do likewise.
Perhaps I'm asking too much. But I'll keep asking til I get it, as I already know how to be alone, and I refuse to relax my standards.
Ed. 12/21 - More thought about this last night led me to the conclusion that I'm looking for a gentleman. I'd like the person to be courteous and respectful. A call or email to confirm plans in advance is courteous, and at this point it's feeling like a differentiator - if he pays attention enough to do this, he gets points. If not he doesn't lose points, but doesn't gain them either. I hate to use a game-playing metaphor, but it seems apt.
I had an odd blast from the past last week. I heard from an ex boyfriend that is married with kids. It was surreal. He sent a brief note asking if I would answer some questions. I answered that I'd help if he let me know how/when. I didn't hear from him again that night before I went to bed, so I kind of blew it off. I immediately thought of High Fidelity where he gets in touch with his exes - I wondered if he were having some sort of premature mid-life crisis....
Turns out that he's having marital difficulties, had had a fight and his wife said stuff that hurt him, and he wanted to get some validation. I think he's done now, and I probably won't hear from him again other than the casual birthday/christmas-type greetings we half-heartedly send each other.
The interesting thing was the effect this had on me, on my thoughts. It was interesting because my thoughts weren't what I'd have thought they'd be if you'd told me this situation might happen. I hadn't thought of him in a long time, even though he was one of the two real, significant relationships in my life. We were together for 5 and 1/2 years. I remember when we broke up thinking (in that heart-broken way that you do with your first love) that we would get back together some day, that if we were soooo in love (even though it was ending) that we must be soul mates and meant for each other but that we needed to grow away from each other before we could grow together. But none of that entered my thinking (before I heard from him the next day). Getting back together with him didn't enter my thinking at all in a going forward sort of way. I was only sort of looking back and seeing how things might apply now.
The things I'd have thought I would react to about his email weren't there - no interest in getting back together with him or thoughts of "I wouldn't deal with you if you were the last man on earth", no recriminations about our relationship, what ifs about if he and I had stayed together. The thing that surprised me was a lack of real attachment to both the possible meanings of the first email and then to the actual meaning explained in the second email. I wanted to help if I could, and knew I'd be honest with him about anything he asked (tactful if I could be, but brutally honest if necessary), but nothing more than that.
But lots of different things did enter into my thinking. I have been thinking a lot about relationships, about how different he and I must now be from the people we were when we were together. We were in our late teens and early 20s when we were together - experientially I'm a new person. I thought of my mom and dad seeing each other for the first time in probably 20ish years (this was probably 2 years ago now). Each still thought the other would be the way they remembered them (obviously not in terms of looks, but in terms of personality and behaviors). I remember being frustrated with both sides in that they couldn't imagine each other being different in positive ways - so I'm trying to take that experience and use it in terms of my thoughts of my exes. I think I'm already more successful at that than either of my parents in that I would give him the benefit of that doubt at all.
I was trying to remember back to when we first met and got together - what was it like, was it easy and natural, or did we have to work at the connection? I thought about how much I've learned, how far I've come, how different a person I am, and how happy I am that I've become the person I am.
More than that, I'm wondering what is going on in his current relationship - were any of the problems that played out in our relationship the same ones that are playing out in his current one (poor boundaries, passive agressiveness, hurtful communication style under pressure, lack of acknowledgement, unwillingness to listen to the other person's side, etc.)? Did he learn anything after our breakup that he can use now to try to save this one? I know that I've done a lot of learning and growing and soul searching specifically by looking back to that relationship as a model - both for things to do right and for things to never do again. And I wonder when I meet new men that I might be interested in dating - what things does this person have in common with any of my exes, where is he better or worse, what things do I know now that I can do differently to make myself learn and grow from whatever interaction I am in now?
Obviously I'll never get direct answers to the stuff about my ex, but I can certainly use the answers that I find about myself.
Duh. Sorry guys. I was tired last night and forgot the techno-dweeb details that my friends would be interested in (and that I'd be interested in if I heard about a friend's new toy).
Manufacturer: Gateway
Model: Gateway 4535GZ - Pentium M 735 1.7 GHz - 15
Description: 5.5 lbs, Intel Pentium M 1.7 GHz , 512 MB DDR SDRAM , 100 GB IDE , 15 in TFT active matrix , 1 Lithium ion , Microsoft Windows XP Home Edition
I think I'm going to have to buy some accessories to go with it (like a small wireless mouse).
Hey folks. Sorry that it's been a long time and no blogging. But that may (or may not) change. I bought myself a toy for Christmas - a laptop and wireless router for home. So I'm blogging from my living room as opposed to wired to the back bedroom/office. Theoretically I could blog from my bedroom, or the backyard (I haven't tested that yet)....
I debated getting the laptop for a while. Do I really need one? No. Did I want one, yes. Why did I want it? For the gadget factor (I've had my iPod for over a year now, and haven't had/bought a gadget in a while). Will I be tired of it in a short amount of time? Probably. Will I have buyer's remorse? Possibly. I do feel good that I didn't buy the installation service for the wireless setup that the guy was trying to hard sell me. I figured that if I couldn't figure out how to set the stuff up that A) I'd be a dork and not worthy of even my self-imposed "pseudo-geek" status, B) I have plenty of friends who'd be happy to help me get it working, and C) worst case if I bought the wrong thing I could take it back.
My ostensible reason for getting the laptop was so that I could blog more by not being tied to my office to do the blogging (i.e. I could multi-task by watching tv and blogging at the same time). Do I really think I'll be doing more writing (either blogging or other)? Not necessarily, but maybe I'll surprise myself. I think I like my new toy, but will have to get to know it better before I know for sure. While I've done a bit of personalization (installing my favorite IM things/toolbars, etc.), I think it will continue to evolve over time. I'm kind of looking forward to making this machine mine in ways that my other computers are not (i.e. my work machines and my desktop machines). It has a 100GB hard drive, so it'll be interesting to see what it gets filled up with - music, photos, writings, etc. If nothing else it'll be nice to have the laptop handy to use to capture fleeting thoughts, hopefully leading to things that turn into art.
With that said, I promise I'll update this later with more information about what I've been up to lately, thoughts that may or not be interesting for other folks to look into, etc. But it's rather late, and I should put both my new toy and myself to sleep.