...from other people's lives? Are there things you can learn by watching other people make mistakes, live their lives, etc. such that you can apply those things in your own life without having to directly experience those things yourself?
More...
The answer for me is clearly yes. Being the introspective/analytical/observant person that I am, I am always trying to figure things out for myself from any of the things going on with my friends and myself, and always trying to figure out how I could have done that better, etc. I've been learning a lot from grey_duc and danno lately. Since they are both in relationships and I can talk to them a lot about communication and how they do things in their relationships, I'm hoping that I'm getting some tools to use in my own communication, and things to look for, things to say (or not) or ways to say things (or not).
However, some things don't translate. I can know the right things to do or say, or the things that I *want* to do or say, but that doesn't actually help me get the words out. It doesn't help me get over the lump in my throat, or my misgivings about putting myself out there and putting my feelings on the line. Knowing what I should do (no guts, no glory and all of that) doesn't suddenly give me the courage to do it.
I'm great at confrontation in my work life, but suck at it in my "real" life. I was able to tell someone at work last week that I didn't want to do his peer review because I couldn't in good conscience give him a good review and didn't think it was fair to him to give him a bad review without him knowing, and wanted to give him the opportunity to find another reviewer. And at work I'm getting good at finding the line of what to say - what's honest without being unnecessarily harsh, what's appropriate to say (and not), telling people about what I need (at least in concrete terms related to projects), telling people how we can/can't interact (if I tell you I can't work on this right now - drop it and I'll come back when we can work on it in a constructive manner). I just can't seem to do that stuff very well in things where I really have feelings invested. And it's not even about difficult stuff that I can't do it - it's really about "what the hell is going on with us - if anything?", and being ok with any answer that comes out of that conversation.
I think one of the things that sounds both great and scary as hell about dating and relationships is how to do those things - tell someone how you feel and really get heard, figure out interactions that work and don't work, figure out how to be really authentic and in the moment in a way that lets me be as confident and attractive as possible (not only to him but to myself). It's been so long since I put myself out there and tried to do those things, that I'm not sure how to do it - the skills are either completely rusty, or are gone altogether.
I'm sure I'm also making things harder on myself than necessary by trying to over-analyze every single thing. Sometimes I need to just stop thinking, and start doing. Or maybe I'll just think about things while the opportunities pass me by. Guess we'll have to wait and see how things pan out.
Do you ever wish your life were like a sitcom or tv drama - neatly wrapped up in 1/2 hour or 1 hour? You'd have all the right words to say in every situation. Or if you didn't, it would be merely to prolong the drama for the next episode. You'd say witty things, or compassionate things or difficult things. You'd always tell people how you really feel, or figure out a way to ask them what the hell is going on. You'd have cute clothes and nice cars and great friends. (Well, at least I have 2/3 of those.)
But real life isn't like that. It's messy. It's difficult to find the right words to say. The words you do say end up coming out wrong, or not coming out at all. You don't say what you really mean, or you don't know how you really feel about something, so there's no way to put that into words.
People on tv have expressive faces, and it's easy to read what's going on in their heads. In the real world people are maddeningly difficult to read (and they probably think the same thing about me when I feel like I'm completely transparent and wearing my heart on my sleeve). You can see where something is going (good or bad) and you can predict what might happen in ways that you can't do in your real life.
I know that some of what makes life fun is the uncertainty, the finding out of what's going on under the surface. But I've gotten so good at hiding what's really going on with me that I don't know how to let people in, especially now that I think I might like to let them in. It's all from being scared, and I know that you never get anything by sitting around being scared and avoiding things - the best rewards in my life I got by taking risks. But it's still hard to change how you do things when you put up the walls, and put up the masks and hid away from people because you've been hurt. I wouldn't take away the hurt from my life because to deny that would be to deny that I've loved and felt things deeply, and been loved and been really seen. And maybe it's time (or not quite yet but maybe soon) to take that kind of chance again, of being really seen. But how do you do that when you don't know how to take down the walls?
I had a nice weekend. Dinner with Shane/Alyssa and folks from the pen on Friday night (nice restaurant in Saratoga that I'd never been to before and whose name now escapes me - it was Thai). Saturday I went hiking with Ianthe and Dusty. That was nice - allergies weren't bad, and the Jamba Juice afterward was worth the one killer hill that left me sucking wind. I think I'll go back there again sometime and try some other trails - the views were nice, much of the trail was shaded, the scenery was diverse and there was enough challenge to make it fun but not discouraging. Of course I can't remember the name of the place, but maybe if she's reading this, Ianthe will comment with the name. My calves are a little sore, but I have a feeling they'll be even more mad at me tomorrow. Today was brunch (it was nice to have folks back from house hunting, Japan, etc.) And then this evening I went to a nice food and wine thing with Susan. A grown up evening of (slightly) dressing up, great food, good wine and good conversation was wonderful. And all of this also in time to get home at a reasonable time to do some tivo catching up, reading AND blogging. All in all a wonderful way to extend the weekend.
Observances from the event - It was at Villa Montalvo, which is a beautiful setting in the hills above Saratoga. The villa itself is a beautiful building overlooking a parklike setting. The steps cascade down to a lovely lawn (easily the length of a football field) leading down to some gardens and a covered fountain and patio area that looks custom made for weddings. I had only been there before for concerts (which are in an amphitheater behind the actual house), so I think I may have walked around the veranda of the house, but not been inside.
The veranda itself is wide - a wonderful place to wander around to catch a breeze while sipping your wine or savoring the food. For someone who's not usually a seafood fan, I ate a lot of wonderful seafood tonight - crab cakes, and raw tuna (sort of like spicy tuna roll) on toast points and carpaccio and a different kind of crab cake, and crab "pockets" (a dab of a wonderfully spiced concotion of crab wrapped up in an round pasta "pocket" gathered at the top and tied together with a bit of green onion) and seared scallops with a wonderful sauce, etc. There was the cheese room where you could try every kind of cheese you could imagine. The "wandering cheese taster" as he introduced himself to us gave us a sample of a lovely cheese (whose name I never caught) that he explained was made for just one month per year in Wisconsin by a farmer who let his cows graze on... blah, blah, blah. It was basically foodie heaven, and the wines were good too.
I realized in the last couple of months that your can have over the top terminology for anything. Not just wine as I had first surmised, and not only for whisky/scotch as I thought at Whiskies of the World, but for cheese and fine food and anything that you wish to distinguish in some way from other equally fine but similar products. You can speak of tasting the herbaceous qualities of a certain wine, or the subtle peat-infused character of a scotch (or maybe it's supposed to be something about the waters? I'm not that up on that terminology yet), or the subleties of a complex melding of the hot/cold temperatures, or spiciness/coolness, or crunchiness/smoothness of the textures of food.
I wasn't quite in the mood to take the piss in this crowd - I kind of wanted to, but they weren't quite pretentious enough for that to be fun. The crowd itself was interesting (I think I was the youngest person there that wasn't an obvious social climber or potential trophy wife). The were obviously moneyed folks, but I heard no conversations about money or material things. Susan observed the preponderance of obviously surgically enhanced attributes. I noticed the flawlessness of the "natural" makeup that many of the women were wearing - that kind of "natural" look doesn't come cheap. And I overheard a conversation in the ladies room where the remark "you're looking wonderful" sounded completely bitch and false, in the way that only women hear and understand.
Susan and I were chatting just outside a circle of what looked like trophy wives (first or second we couldn't tell) and we were wondering where the line is between pretentious crap and idle social chit-chat that's necessary at such functions. We could have tried to introduce ourselves to other people and mingle a bit, but frankly we were having fun just chatting between ourselves (and wouldn't have seen the deer wandering across the lawn had we been inside talking to people).
I suppose that as part of my return to blogging I could do a wrap up of what I've been up to since my last blog entry. (See extended entry.)
I had taken a floating holiday from work last week (because if I didn't take it before the end of the month I would lose it - and last Wed. was a good day as I had no meetings) and hung out in the City with Meta. It was a really nice day - we wandered around doing some random shopping (bought books, didn't buy shoes, Meta bought a comic book) and had sushi. Because we farted around so long, we didn't get to the exploratorium until around 3:30ish, so we didn't get to play very much as they closed at 5. We wandered back towards Meta's place, and stopped at a nice tea shop and had a pot of chai (mmmm...). Then we hung out at her house for a bit waiting for KWC and then went to tapas. The tapas was fun except for the mariachis (which I think Meta was going to have play at her next party). They weren't very good, and were (to me at least) just annoying.
Friday night I played the monthly poker game with the boys. I'm not sure what's going to happen to the poker game for now - one of the regulars is leaving (moving out of the area, but still in CA), so I think the race is on to see who we can get to fill the spot that's a good fit with the group. The game is casual, the guys are fun, and I like the dynamic of the group (usually). There have been one or two times that I was uncomfortable about things that people said, but in general it's pretty fun even if I'm losing, although I was up a bit last week. The way I tell if I'm up or down is by volume of my change container (and/or if I gave up or gained any paper). Not very scientific, but then I'm not about to go through and count all the change.
Saturday I did some stuff during the day and then went over to Alyssa's house for Girls' Night. That was nice - we had some dinner, some conversation, some chocolate, and watched some episodes of Sex and the City (I think it was season 2). It was nice to hang out with the girls. We got to see Gina and Mason. It was kind of cool to see the softer side of Gina in dealing with her new son. It'll be interesting to see what happens to this group of friends as they all go off and get married and start having kids. I kind of wonder where that will leave me as I don't have kids and won't be able to relate, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Sunday was another nice girls' day. Susan and I went to Santa Cruz for brunch (at my favorite brunch place - the Crepe Place - worth the drive, and in the summer worth the wait to sit in the garden). From there we went to Capitola for our usual circuit of town - hit the shoe store, sit on the benches near the sand and watch the waves (and kids) for a while, get an ice cream (we missed the new age-y store this time) and then head back. Came home and caught up on tivo, and just vegged out for a while. That was nice, but didn't feel like enough resting as I felt like I was coming down with something - not sick yet, but trying to decide whether to be sick or not. I hate that phase - swollen glands, feel generally crappy and cranky, but not sick enough to call off any events.
Monday I had dinner with Joy. She's really funny, and we have interesting conversations. She's a fun link to the past, and being around her grounds me and reminds me not to give a fuck about other people's opinions of my life. We had Thai food in Mtn. View, and then walked to Zucca and had drinks at the bar. She ran into another friend there, ambushing him from behind with a big kiss as he sat minding his own business on his barstool. She twisted his head around to kiss her, and I thought she was going to twist his head off for a minute.
As a sabbaticals should be a time off for rest and/or reflection, I used this time for reflection. I came up with the following:
Why did I do this? Essentially I had a temper tantrum. There was too much going on in my head/heart, and I let too much of it spill into my blog, where I got commentary on it because my entries were not well thought out (being bascially "thinking out loud" sessions rather than actual essays or remarks ready for criticism), or even fully formed. The commentary was not inappropriate, it was merely that I wasn't actually ready to talk about it in this forum until I had thought things through a little bit more, but didn't get that chance because I posted the info before I'd really thought it all through. So, like a kid I stormed off with my ball because I could. It was childish, but it was how I felt, and has given me a good break to do some thinking.
What have I been thinking about? (see extended entry)
what the blog is - a place for me to write about whatever I want to write about. Given that it's mine, then any consequences of what I write about are also mine (good, bad or indifferent). So if the consequences are mine, then I should choose more carefully what I am willing to stand up for, what I allow dialog on, or what I reveal (or don't) about what's going on in my head/heart/world. It can be used for fiction (but will be labeled as such), or introspection that I'm willing to let people into (i.e. stuff I would tell my friends in regular conversation), or for cataloging what's going on in my world - whether it's of interest to others or not, and it's a place for me to make a connection to other people, through dialog (and sometimes monologue).
what the blog isn't - a place for me to put up masks - it should be a place that I can express my opinions, even the unpopular ones, but that also means I'll get comments (or spam). If it's not something I'm ready to have commented on, then I shouldn't post it publicly, or I should turn off comments, or I should plainly label that this is "thinking out loud" and not ready for prime time. It has also come to be a place where I let out some of the "negative" things that go on in my head - pissy thoughts, depressings observances, angry criticisms, rueful self-disclosures, etc. Letting that stuff out here is (or was) safe. I can make it safe again by taking ownership of what I say (even if it's taken out of context, misinterpreted, etc.), and by realizing that if I don't let that stuff out here, then it's coming out somewhere in my "real" life, with consequences that I'm not willing to entertain. So here is where that stuff will live (those who don't like it can skip it, not read it, etc.)
I've spent much of my life trying to be well-liked - at the expense of what I really wanted, needed, had to say. The blog was becoming a place where I could let down some of those masks and really be closer to who I am on the inside all the time, instead of the person behind the masks, and the real person who sometimes snuck through by accident or serendipity. And then I let out too much, stuff that was too close to the real heart of who I am, and that invited commentary that I wasn't ready for.
And the real reason for the anger and the tantrum was that I wasn't ready or willing to be pushed back into the closet, or to put the masks back on when they weren't fitting any more. So fuck it. People who disagree can say that. People who don't like what I have to say, or who don't like me for saying what I have to say can fuck off, or go to hell, or have a wonderful life, whatever. It's not going to stop me from saying exactly what I want - whether it's worthy of reading or not.
Now... with all of that said... it doesn't mean I'm not interested in your thoughts, comments, etc. I do have to get a thicker skin, and learn to stop taking things so personally (no matter how much I want it to be true, the world still does not revolve around me). I also need to preface some of my commentary to others that YMMV, IMHO, etc, etc. so that they know that what I'm saying is about my experience of the world, and is different than theirs, and everyone is entitled to their opinions (opinions being like assholes in that everyone has one). So don't give up on me - call me on my shit, and I promise that if my feelings are hurt or I'm angry or whatever, I'll talk to you about it directly (like a grown up). And then we can all go back to our regular blogging lives.
I won't be posting for a while. Apparently A) I have nothing to say, B) even if I had anything to say, it's all shitty because that's where I'm at right now, C) I'm feeling unhappy about how other people are taking my postings (probably because I didn't write it well because I'm in too much of a hurry to try to figure out what I mean to actually make that meaning clear) - too literally or whatever. I've been using this as a dumping ground for all the crap that stresses me out, pisses me off, that I'm thinking about, etc. For a while this was a safe place for me to dump that stuff. Apparently all that's making it here is the "bad" stuff, but that's helping keep me from dumping it in my real life. But that's not politically correct and I no longer feel free to do that here. So I'm on blog sabbatical. I'll be back whenever I have something nice to say. At this point that's a long way off. If ever.
Can I please have a little time to digest the last lesson before the next (major) lesson is thrust upon me?
Minor learning from today - part of the reason I hate that other people don't put the toilet paper back on the roll (or cap the toothpaste, or wipe the goop off the edge of the ketchup bottle or [insert your favorite pet peeve here]) is that it feels like they are not taking responsibility for something. (You clealy saw it needed to be done/not done, and you did the opposite anyway - what's up with that?)
Tonya's post about the personalities of abused children was interesting to me on a number of levels. First I have to say that I identified with some of the behavioral outcomes that she listed (I'll get into that further below). This got me thinking that I didn't think I was abused as a child (definitely not physically or sexually), but now I'm wondering how I got those types of coping behaviors if it wasn't through some sort of response to my environment.
(Don't worry, I'm not reading into stuff more than is there like most psych students do at some point - I'm not having symptoms of X behavioral disorder just because I'm reading about it today. I just have been finding lately that my coping mechanisms aren't great, or could be better, so in addition to looking at the specific mechanisms I use and how to change them, I'm wondering what caused them so I can recognize which similar things in my life are likely to trigger those responses.)
More...
I do think I have a lot of the behavioral types Tonya listed. I was thinking about whether I came from an abusive home, and while my original answer was no, I do have to wonder how I got the behavioral patterns. If it wasn't from going through some sort of response to what was going on in my world, then it would have to be from me. But I don't think that's true - I think that those behaviors are just the coping mechanisms that you use to get yourself through.
How much of these behaviors though is because that's your personality style, and how much is a response to your environment? For instance, I identify with the Parentified Child:
-They have trouble playing with other children because they don't know how to be children.
-They like to be the leader
-They are the "helpers" in the classroom
-They are perfectionist
-They are not carefree
-Tired from taking care of younger siblings.
I was always the leader of the neighborhood games (I was the one who decided what games to play and was the arbiter of the rules - even though the rules/game decisions were nominally democratically chosen). I've always been the helper in the family - but how much of that is because that's what I was taught - the girls are responsible for the younger kids, to help set up/clear away food, etc. I didn't have younger siblings to take care of, but I was always a caretaker, even as a kid (the neighborhood kids would run to me for comfort if they got hurt, I was the one who took my hysterical co-worker out of the room after the 89 earthquake to make sure she didn't make everyone else hysterical, etc). Ooo... maybe this is why I'm good in a crisis - I got used to being the one that people depended on when things went to hell, and I felt valued because of that. And the perfectionist goes without saying (this is the kid who never got straight A's and would get in trouble for bringing home 1 B, even though all my friends' parents would have been ecstatic.)
So I talked to my therapist about this tonight (good timing). This was a big load to drop on me as a revelation about my life as I wasn't ready to think of myself as a victim of abuse. But abuse comes in all kinds of guises and forms, whether it's stuff that I think of as abuse (physical/sexual) or not (mental/verbal/emotional). And being the receiver of abuse doesn't make me a victim - it's just shit that happened and that I have to work through. This new way of looking at my past though does set some things in place for me, opens my eyes about my coping mechanisms, etc. Now the interesting part is - how do I process this info, what does it mean (if anything), does this change anything about how I let down my masks and let people in?
Too bad that in the real world people don't think "there's nothing sexier than someone working thru her issues". On the plus side, this week's been slow at work so I can process all of this stuff I'm going thru. Although I did meet my new boss's boss today and told him exactly how I feel about everything. (Too blunt, me????) I told ya'll it'd be an interesting period in terms of personal growth. Bring on the psychosomatic symptoms...
I was bored and surfing around on dating web sites of various sorts today. And it occurred to me that everyone says they're honest/straightforward/not into games. But are they really?
Don't games and being circuitous and not being 100% honest all the time serve a purpose in dating? See extended entry...
We don't want to scare off the other person by being completely authentic up front, right? I mean, we all are on best behavior when we first meet someone - we don't swear (or keep it minimal), we are more polite, observant, etc. than usual, we dress up, etc. We don't spill all of our dirty secrets, bad habits, bad manners, etc. This both keeps the other person from running away screaming, and also to gives the other person a chance to get to know us in the best ways that we can be - there's plenty of time to degenerate back to your normal bitchy, angry, whiny, needy, etc. self if the initial dates go well.
But doesn't that set you up for failure in some manner down the road? If you're not completely authentic up front, the person will find out all your flaws at some point anyway, so why not be exactly who you are all the time, even at the beginning of a relationship? The problem is that the polite behaviors provide a crutch - you know how you're supposed to behave (or not behave) in a dating situation. The crutch can certainly help you along, but ultimately it weakens you as well - you come to rely on it and let your authenticity skills atrophy.
I think the other problem with being authentic in a dating situation is that it's scary. What if the other person doesn't like approve of some aspect of me? We all want to be liked/appreciated/approved of - maybe if feels like a small sacrifice to not be myself at 10 if people like me at 7 on the scale. Obviously this isn't something that you can maintain long term - it's exhausting to rein yourself in all the time or to put up a facade and remember what it is and how you've perpetuated it in the past.
[Note - I hate it when something hijacks my browser window, causing me to lose work in progress - mostly because it was a good point and now I can't remember it to recreate it. Fuck.]
Is being inauthentic ultimately being dishonest? I don't think anyone is inauthentic out of a desire to be dishonest - you're just trying to put your best foot forward. But is there a way to put your best foot forward and still be wholly who you are? And if you're not wholly who you are at the beginning of the relationship - at what point do you get to that place? And will the other person feel defrauded (this wasn't the person I thought I was involved with)?
I don't intend to be less than authentic in my relationships, especially dating relationships. I think that sometimes it just happens that I'm so busy being worried about someone liking me, and trying to be what I imagine that person will like, that I forget that I'm perfectly likable the way I am. I know better (intellectually at least) than to try to hide who I really am (it just leaks out in other ways anyway), but old habits die hard. Certainly I don't want to put up barriers to intimacy, but while in general my first response to things is to be upfront/honest about it, confront it right away, etc., my reaction when I'm scared/unsure of the outcome is to avoid the issue, not say what I really mean, not ask for what I really want. While I'm not trying to be inauthentic and hide the "bad" parts of myself, I also understand that I can be rather intense at times and that maybe that intensity is best focused in a constructive manner (i.e. anger isn't bad in and of itself, but how you express it can be bad).
Besides, at certain points in relationships (i.e. early on when you're not sure how the person feels about you, if this is a dating thing or a platonic friendship, when you're not sure if it's exclusive, etc, etc.), it's not appropriate to say/do certain things. I mean, do you just ask the other person the things you're really thinking (is this too much/too little, what do you think, did I just fuck up, is this a date, was that you or me, are we done yet, when will we get together again, etc. ad nauseum)? That sounds like what people mean when they say they don't play games, but we all know that that's not how it really works.
(The thing I love about blog entries as opposed to published articles is that you can leave off with no real point...)
I finished a book, and in record time for me (lately). I finally read The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown. (Thanks to honeyfields - even though I specified no presents for my birthday ;-) The book was fun and engaging, and made me want to do some research into some of the topics therein.
More info in the extended entry - potential spoilers, so don't read further if you still want to read the book. This isn't really a review so much as a capturing of my thoughts on the subject matter in the book.
First, my thoughts on the book. It was a page turner, great pace, just enough detail to make me want to go out and learn more, but not enough details that I got bored and skipped whole blocks of text (like I do with Clancy). Can't think of any bad stuff right now, maybe I'll add more later if I think of anything.
I think that this book coming to me now ends up being very timely. I got the book on my birthday. Much of it is about the sacred feminine, and at a time when I'm trying to figure out how to own my feminity, be comfortable with it, embrace it and express it. Those themes weren't specifically in the book (recapturing it for yourself), but it makes me want to do more research about ancient goddess worship. It also makes me want to visit some of the places mentioned in the book and learn more about them, look for the stuff that was highlighted, etc. I think that that's one of the things that I love about travel - the ability to see depths and make connections in places that you've heard about.
I guess maybe that's what art is about - connections. In listening to some of my favorite chick music I reconnect to ideas, themes that other women struggle with, letting me know that I'm not alone, that other people have similar thoughts and feelings. In books I'm able to connect to ideas that I didn't know were out there (which is what really excites me about being in a book store - the tangible expression of the interconnected webs of ideas that people felt compelled to share). In visual arts I love the symbolic and visual representation of ideas - in both the realistic and abstract versions (and knowing that whether or not the artist intended a specific interpretation of the piece, that the connection within the piece is up to the viewer). In movies I love the connection with the audience such that they are transported on the journey with the characters (in an ideal movie). In theater I love the stylized confines in which the ideas are expressed and the connections have to happen (whether through the music/poetry, or the sets, or the physical blocking and interactions between the characters, or the lighting/staging effects - all those have their stylized place within how the story unfolds and what it means to the viewer). In architecture you can see how people from other times, cultures, ideologies expressed themselves, both in overt ways and in symbolic, possibly hidden ways. The architecture ends up expressing something about the people both who built the structures, but also the people for whom the structures were built.
How funny is it that as I was putting laundry into the washer I was thinking that I was happy? I was happy to be home tonight to catch up on blogging and tivo and laundry. I was happy to have my very own washer and dryer and to not have to schlep my dirty clothes all over hell and back or pay to have them cleaned (other than the water/electricity/gas that I'd be paying for anyway). I'm happy to have friends and friends of friends with blogs that are interesting. I'm happy that my life is mundane and that most of the dramas are once removed. And I've fallen into a rhythm with my own dramas. There are many things that could be better, but as things go, my life is pretty good. (And for those of you who might quote me on my pits of despair comments - this doesn't mean I've given up being bitter forever. Just for a few minutes...)
A friend sent me this link to Exorcist as interpreted by bunnies. Weird.
So is it only me, or is age just a number? Lately when I've talked to people about dating I think I'm getting the subliminally raised eyebrows (i.e. they don't actually raise their eyebrows but they are surprised) about my acceptable age range. I think 10 years higher or lower is acceptable, and for the right person (who I obviously haven't met yet), I'd consider older (though probably not much lower).
I don't think that as long as you make each other happy, have things in common, communicate well, etc. that age makes that much difference. Is this wishful thinking? I do find differences in what people remember, what music people like, etc. since most people in my crowd of friends are about 10 years or so younger than me. And the fact that they're younger may mean that they are in slightly different places in their lives. But I guess I don't see it as problematic, it just gives us differences to talk about.
I seem to get the surprise about age in both directions. In talking to a friend I mentioned that a guy in his mid 40s could be interesting - he might be more cultured, have different interests he could introduce me to, might be a bit more financially secure, etc. (Just look at Viggo Mortensen... mmmm.... Yeah, like I'm going to date him!) But I don't think dating a guy in his mid 20s is a deal breaker either - less money is no biggie as long he's ok with it, we could learn stuff together and he's going to have different interests than me anyway.
Why are people hung up on age differences? Why all the ink on Demi/Ashton? Is it just that it's more socially acceptable for the age difference to be that the man is older, rather than the other way around? (No one makes a big deal about Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones, right? Well... ok... a small deal.) I think that early in our lives it might make a difference - the maturity difference in your teens between men and women is large enough for it to possibly be a deal breaker in a relationship. But does it really matter much once we get past 25 so long as other things work in the relationship?
It should be noted that I'm not into extremely older or younger guys. I have a friend who's always had a thing for guys closer to her father's age than her age. That's not what I'm talking about - just 10 years (ish) here folks. Whaddya all think? What arguments am I missing here? (I'm sure I'm missing something important.)
Why is it that nothing happens for a long time, then all my lessons/learning/opportunities happen at the same time? I'm sure I must be setting myself up for this somehow, but whatever. I'll take what comes.
Things I learned last week - that I can make myself heard, even if it's a difficult conversation, and that things can be better, if only because I got it off my chest. I can let people into the things I've been hiding, and they will stick around. Some battles are worth fighting, and some are worth giving in. Sometimes the way to be seen is to see yourself - for all the good and the bad and the in between. Being a woman carries enormous power, and the potential for great things - good and bad. Being honest is difficult - not because I like lying (even if it's only by omission), but because there's a comfort in avoiding things, not being 100% up front. It's just as draining to hide as it is to be honest.
Also figured out (not that this was rocket science) - this time of year is historically huge for me. Breakups with friends and boyfriends tend to be centered around my birthday. The catalyst for breaking up a best friendship was in the spring even though it took til Cinco de Mayo to actually happen (although I think that was probably one of the best things I've done for myself). The genesis for one of my relationships was centered around my birthday (and his) too. Positive things in friendships grew out of this timeframe too (girls' weekend in Cabo).
I guess the message is that I'm in for an interesting ride for a while. Exhilarating, exhausting, tumultuous, triumphant, difficult, defining, demanding maybe, but not boring. I wonder if I'm going to miss boring? The blogging will either suffer or get better... we'll have to wait and see.