cshell

Interesting movie choices - Last

Last night I Tivo'd Red Dragon. Just got done watching it. Ralph Fiennes was pretty good in it. Next movie I'm going to watch now? Maid in Manhattan. Not for its cinematic, storytelling or other merits, but because it's another Ralph Fiennes movie, and such a wildly different role that it should be amusing.

Yesterday's movie choices were (unwittingly) full of beautiful men. Two Towers - with elfin nugget and Ranger nugget (mmm... nice hands...when they're not dirty and bloody). And then Ocean's Eleven - older man fixation nugget Clooney, and sexiest man ever (even though I'm not usually partial to blonds, with a couple exceptions) Pitt, and sexy Latin man Garcia... ah... masturbatory fantasies all...

Thoughts - I got one more set of photos from a friend from the tour. It's so strange to even think of the tour now. I still find myself measuring time in terms of the vacation (i.e. it's been 3 weeks since I got back). It seems so remote now unless I see the pictures, but when I see the pictures it takes me right back to the time/place. I can remember where that was, what was near where the picture was taken, what we had done before or after that photo was taken, who I was with, what the food was like that day, what the weather was like, (approximately) where I sat on the bus, etc. It seems both that it was life-changing, but also that it wasn't.

It wasn't life-changing in a dramatic, movie-of-the-week sort of way. It wasn't life-changing in that I'm still the same person I was before I left. I'm a bit more now, but essentially the same. It was just a vacation after all. Something to write home about (so to speak), but nothing that shows up on my face, or is visible in any way. It's just a bunch of memories, right? But isn't it your memories that make you who you are?

It was life-changing in the way that it's a measure of who I was then and who I am now, and of a small part of how I see the world. It was life-changing in that I met people who were wonderful, and that I miss now, but if pressed, wouldn't know what of my "real" life to share with them. It was life-changing in that I experienced things that make me profoundly grateful - grateful to have seen them, to have experienced them, to have been touched - by food, or drink, or people, or stunning vistas, or art, or sacred (and profane) places. It was life-changing in the way that real travel it - by being a measure of not only what you brought to it (your misconceptions, your ideas of who and how you are in the world, etc.), but also of what you got out of it. You expect to get certain things out of your travels - photos, shopping, vistas, food, wine, etc. But sometimes the best part of traveling is the stuff you didn't expect - friendships, broadening of your world view, an understanding of how things fit together and influenced each other, and learning about who and how you are (or are not).

Lessons learned - Oh, and lessons learned from the trip - bring a digital camera and take insane amounts of photos. They're for you, so snap away to your heart's content. You'll be happy later that you did so that you can remember a nuance you may have otherwise forgotten. And if you think of it - keep up with photos on a theme. I wish I'd taken photos of all the stuff I ate, and labels of bottles of wine I drank. That'd be a cool addition to my collection, and I didn't think to do it. Take chances and get off the beaten track - you sometimes find the most interesting things that way, and if it goes awry for any reason, you learn a lot about yourself. Be flexible and open to enjoying even the trying things - things that appeared to be bad on first look often turn out to be great opportunities (i.e. finding the fabulous lunch place on Capri, and taking the chance on doing the taxi around the island). Challenge yourself - you find yourself capable of much more than you thought you'd be able to do. On the flip side - know your limits, and know when to ask for help (i.e. low blood sugar and asking for help getting food when you can't make a decision). Remember that sometimes you're the star of what's going on, and that sometimes you're a bit player in someone else's drama - learn which one is which and act accordingly. Talk to people - don't be in your own little bubble so much that you forget to interact with the real people around you. That's where some of the best stuff is, getting to know someone, even briefly. Learn the history of the places you're visiting - it'll make things come alive more to know the context in which a piece of art or architecture was created.

Finding your voice - sometimes the thing about finding your voice isn't in using it in any way that other people know about it. It's in the freedom to use your voice singing out loud in front of your computer, or singing aloud in the car. It's in that acknowledgement that you're fully alive, and that whatever else is going on, you are in that moment expressing something (even if it started out as someone else's something). And that once you start using your voice, in any manner, it sets you free to use your voice in other manners. So even if no one else is meant to hear you singing in the shower, or to see your thoughts typed out into your blog, that energy is out there in the universe now. Sometimes those things remain private, but sometimes they have a life outside of what you meant them to have (like smiling over someone else singing away in their car during rush hour). Sometimes though, the thing about having a voice is about being strong enough, and wise enough, to use it in the right time, in the right way and for the right reasons. Maybe it's scary to find your voice because you might be compelled to use it, and if you're still not heard, then suddenly it's on you to make sure you are?

Strength and bravery - This is a small meditation on strength, or maybe bravery, or both. I've been told that I'm both brave and also that I'm a strong person. Strong, sure, I can buy that; I may not like it, but time and the world have proven that I can get through anything I have to get through (as has everyone). Brave, I have a little more trouble with that one. In any case, it doesn't feel either brave or strong (to use a phrase from my childhood) to "keep on keepin' on". You go on because you have to. You face things because you have to - to not face up to something would be to live a lie. You pick up the pieces and move on because it hurts to much not to. You look your fears in the face and you keep going in the face of difficult odds because giving up is not an option.

Someone noted when I was off on a bitter rant (who, me?) that I must have been really hurt. And I had a lot of trouble with that. I didn't want to admit that that was true. I mean, who hasn't been hurt, really hurt deeply at some point? I'm not any different than anyone else, right? As if by admitting that I'd been hurt that that opens the door for it to happen again. Rationally, I know it's not really true... that while it's inevitable that I'll be hurt again at some point, that it's not true that admitting hurt sets you up to be hurt again. And this led me to thinking about wearing your pain on the outside - that it's there for everyone to see, just that some people don't have the "vocabulary" to see it. And that maybe some of our attraction to people (especially those who are bad for us) has to do with this unexpressed recognition of a similar pain in someone else. Or that maybe sometimes we are attracted to people who have NOT been hurt in the same ways because it's refreshing to be with someone innocent, and unguarded?

What is bitterness, other than trying to hold off the pain by acting like you don't need or want whatever you're ranting against, right? Maybe sometimes it's ok to admit that you hurt, because in admitting it maybe you can let go of a measure of it? Maybe sometimes it's a measure of strength to let people in, to show some vulerability? Hm... sounds risky. Sounds scary. Maybe it's time for some strength and some bravery?

Attraction/chemistry - why is it that we're rarely attracted to people who are good for us? Or is it just me? I know I keep harping on it, but I have insane physical chemistry with some people with whom I have very little in common, very little to talk about, etc. Then again, I have a great connection with some people (similar backgrounds, similar interests, similar outlook on the world), but I'm not chemically turned on by them. Can that grow out of your overall attraction to a person? I kinda doubt it. And that sucks. Because some of those people I'm not chemically attracted to would be great. But the people that I AM chemically attracted to tend to be completely useless. Sigh...

Random thoughts - I've (for

Random thoughts - I've (for the moment) rid the interior of my house of any visible signs of spiders and their webs. I'm sure my karmic debt is very high at the moment considering the number of spiders that I killed, but something in my just snapped, and caused me to run around all the corners of my house with the vacuum sucking up all the webs and spiders.

Chai is a good thing. I probably shouldn't be having this monstrous cuppa right now, but given that I don't seem to be able to sleep anyway, maybe I'll get some reading/writing/bill-paying/stressing/angsting, etc. done.

I still really love my Tivo and the fact that I can record the sappy romantic movies that I like and leave them on there for as long as I please. Yes, I could merely buy the movies, but for some reason owning the movies means I never watch them (maybe because I'd have to leave the couch to put them in the DVD player), but having them on the Tivo at my fingertips means that I DO watch them. Over and over. Whenever I want.

One of the few times I wish I had a roommate is when I need help deciding on what to wear. Ideally you need a girl's opinion, but in a pinch a guy would do. Nah, strike that. Guys have no idea of the subtleties and nuances about picking the perfect outfit. Sexy but not slutty. Clingy but doesn't show off bad bulges. Shoes that are sexy but you can walk several blocks in them.

I remember now why I hate being taken care of. It's because it feels good. And it sucks when it goes away. So it's easier to simply count on yourself. If that means you have to do without, then so be it. This is not to say that I ENJOY doing without. I miss lots of things. I miss getting my neck and shoulders rubbed when I feel like crap. And I'd love for someone to bring me, unbidden, a treat of any sort. I'd love to have someone to call when I'm sick to just come over and take care of me. I miss having someone to just listen when I need to vent. I miss having someone tell me it'll be ok, even when we both know it won't. I'd love for someone to help me with the guy stuff (oil changes, cleaning the gutters, moving heavy stuff, opening a jar). Mostly I miss knowing that there's someone there who cares for me warts and all.

Mmm... caffeine... Although I'm a lightweight in our company (it's hard to compete with engineering folks), someone was impressed that I was on my second Diet Coke by 10:30... Dude, that's not that much... consider 2 cups of coffee in a similar timeframe. Geez. How do YOU function at work without massive caffeine intake? Oh, and I still don't understand the concept of diet/caffeine free drinks. Drink water dammit!

I'm an illiterate cretin

I'm an illiterate cretin - apparently I've read nothing but trashy novels. According to this list, I've read 12 of the top 100 books. And those books were picked by your average reader. Sigh... According to the publisher's list, I'm completely useless and won't dignify my ignorance by sharing my number. According to another list, I'm still woefully ignorant, but at 8 read, I feel like I've got a fighting chance to redeem myself. Does it count if I've seen movies of some of the books, or read other things by listed authors??? Does it count if I bought the book, have it somewhere (probably in a box in my garage which makes a nice hiding place for the spiders), and meant to read it someday? I have to stop reading the blogs of people smarter than me... (Thanks kwc, metamanda, etc.)

My name is Cshell -

My name is Cshell - and I'm an alcoholic. I do not seem to be able to hold my alcohol any more, and seem to have no idea when to stop drinking (which is scary). Sorry to my friends that I put through heck (it probably wasn't hellacious - just yucky and avoidable). I know why one gets hangovers - to remind you to NEVER DO THAT AGAIN... the problem is that each one was earned in a slightly different way... just different enough that you forget and do it again. Sigh...

By the way, my friends rock. And I should listen to my own damned advice and know better than to drink. Especially when well-meaning but dense friends try to pull me out for that most degrading and humiliating rite of passage - the bouquet toss. The fact that they called people's names (including mine) over the mic just put the nail in that particular coffin of my self-esteem and probably pushed me (unwittingly at the time) to take those last drinks in the hot tub that were my undoing.

Another small rant - what the fuck is with the bouquet toss? Do people really think it brings luck to whatever stupid girl bowls over or tackles or body checks the others out of their way to get the stupid thing? Wouldn't the bride want to hang onto the bouquet for a little while longer? And why do married people (even so NEWLY) married people feel compelled to put the single girls through that kind of humiliation? "Hi, look at me; yes, I'm sad and single, and won't you please, please, please take me away from all that pain and loneliness by making me the next one to get married?" Grrr... I have no words for how fucked up that is... And why I will NEVER be present at one of those if I have any way to get out of it. And don't think I won't vomit on someone to get out of doing it.

Goddess -

Goddess -

Anonymity - I've always thought

Anonymity - I've always thought that the most effective song lyrics take something very personal and share it with the audience. Sometimes that's a feeling, sometimes it's a point of view, sometimes it's just a remembrance of something. I've wondered how you could go onstage and bare your soul like that - wouldn't it be scary, wouldn't you lose something of yourself? But I think I'm realizing that there's an anonymity in most kinds of writing - you're not really seeing your audience. At least not when you're writing it. And for some kinds of writing - maybe you NEVER see your audience. I think some of writing is taking a leap of faith - faith that your writing stands up, faith that you can do it, faith that what you have to say is important enough for people to read it, and maybe faith that even it no one reads it, it's still important to say something, to leave your mark in some way.

Who says you never learn

Who says you never learn things at work? - Then again, I was surfing, not working, so maybe it doesn't count... but I learned a new word in case I ever play Scrabble again. (One thing you gotta love about me... even though my moods are intense... they don't tend to last long.)

Reconsidered - Ok, I

Reconsidered - Ok, I don't HATE my life. I just dislike it intensely. (rant) A small rant, and then I'm done... What do you do when there's something coming up that you both wish to attend, and also wish you could run screaming away from because it represents all that is fucked up in your own life? Clearly, the answer is you shut the fuck up with the whining about it, you suck it up and pretend you're having fun, you express your sincere good wishes, and have your mental breakdown after it's all over. Simple. Oh... and under no circumstances do you drink alcohol which will exacerbate your feelings of how fucked up your life is and/or cause you to do something that will A) get you pregnant or the carrier of a communicable disease, B) get you ostracized, C) make you vomit or D) make you cry in public. Apparently everyone has their things that fuck them over in their personal/emotional lives... mine just run too close to the surface. (end rant)

Ah... I understand now -

Ah... I understand now - this explains my stomachache today. By the way, in case I hadn't ranted lately - I hate my life.

Why is it that even though you know the answer, and you don't want to hear it, you feel compelled to ask the question? Is it just to hear the person say the words? Is it for some sort of weird finality and closure? But the thing is, it's rarely the real end of something to hear the words... it's sort of the beginning of the end. It's the place where you know you have to mourn this dying or dead thing, and find a way to carry on. Or maybe it's where you first consciously realize that a thing you thought was viable and living really wasn't.

I have much more angst... not sure I have the energy to type it up.

Singleness? Singlehood? Singledom? - Went

Singleness? Singlehood? Singledom? - Went out with a single friend on Sat. He got off on a rant about being single, how much it sucks, and why. And of course, I concurred on every point, and brought up some points he had neglected. But now that I think about it, maybe I should turn it around. While we all know and bemoan the things that suck about being single, we forget that there may be things about it that we would miss.

So here's my list of the fabulous things about being single:
1) My time is my own. I don't have to go to family functions for someone else's family, I don't have to attend boring work dinners of my partner, I don't have to do things I don't want to do but that my partner wants/needs me to do.
2) Everything stays where I left it. I love that my house is utterly my own, and I don't have to figure out where something got put away, or bitch about something that didn't get put away.
3) No one has to see my faults. I don't have to pick things up because it annoys my partner if I would normally leave them there. I can do embarassing/annoying things without anyone else having to be impacted by them.
3a) I can be lazy. If I don't feel like it, I don't have to shave, clean the hair out of the drain immediately after a shower, wear clothes around the house, etc.
4) My money is my own. I can buy as many pairs of shoes as I can store and/or wear without anyone second-guessing me or asking "why do you need that many pairs of shoes".
5) I can go wherever I want, whenever I want. 3 weeks in Italy. Nuff said...
6) Having time to do what I want. Whether that's having a friend call from out of the blue and being able to go do something without a ton of planning, or being able to go for a long drive just because the sky is nice and blue, or having time to invest in whatever my current mania is.

Both sides - Well, at

Both sides - Well, at least now I know that it's not just me. I mean that it's not merely MY poor choices in men - it's men's poor choices in me as well. For a long while now I thought that it was just me - that if there were the worst possible choice of man for me to be attracted to for whatever reason (he plays into every insecurity I own, he's a drunk, he's an asshole, he's someone I have to work with on a daily basis, etc.), then THAT is the guy that I will convince myself that I cannot live without. And that convincing myself will go on for far longer than is necessary/good for my mental and physical health/is interesting for my friends to listen to, etc. But now I know it's not just me. Rather, it's that I am an unavailable-man magnet. Woo hoo! There's a strange kind of release in knowing that the delusional rationalizing is not just one-sided, that the men who are attracted to me are attracted only because they can't have me.

At least that is starting to make some sense. It's because I'm fully myself around these guys because I know (and they do too) that nothing can or will happen. And that's very freeing, and means that I can be myself, warts and all in a way that you don't do when you're first dating someone. And for someone who doesn't have to live with "Shelly on 11" all the time, that could be attractive. Smart, funny, moderately attractive, self-assured (when I'm not trying to be something for someone else), independent, well-rounded conversationalist - what's not to be attracted to? They don't ever have to see the needy, clingy, bitchy, overly-controlling person that I really am, because the only settings they'd see me in are social where those things don't come up, or they get quickly swept under the rug. And if they never get to play out the fantasy to find the flaws in it, then that's alluring. And it's alluring to me too - it's nice to be seen through someone else's eyes for the things that I forget to appreciate about myself (because it's immodest, or because I forget that those things are true). Maybe something else that's attractive (it's attractive to me) is that I finally know myself enough to know what I will do, and what I won't do, and where my boundaries (ok, at least this one) are, and that I will stand my ground. No matter who pushes me, for whatever their motivations, I know my heart, and I know what I can live with, and what I can't. And that for once in my life, I know that in advance, instead of figuring it out after my heart is broken.

I'm home - this is

I'm home - this is no surprise. What's surprising is how much I'm enjoying being home. I should go away more often - people seem genuinely happy to see me ;-) Oh, and it's much more enjoyable traveling when we are not about to bomb someone (but have already been doing so).

This explains many things...

My inner child is sixteen years old!

Life's not fair! It's never been fair, but while
adults might just accept that, I know
something's gotta change. And it's gonna
change, just as soon as I become an adult and
get some power of my own.

How Old is Your Inner Child?
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