cshell

Thankful

I know it's a bit late, but I thought that now is a good time (better late than never) to give a shout out to the universe for the things I'm thankful for. So I'm thankful: that I live in America (even though it's fucked up country, it's way less fucked up than other places), that I am healthy, that my family is healthy and they love me and that they screwed me up less than they could have (and probably less than I attribute to them), that I have amazing friends, that I have been able to travel to amazing places, that I am a strong, independent person, that I have money to do the things I want to do, that for all my many problems I don't have more.

More things to do before I die - learn how to tango, re-learn how to knit and crochet (I think I'll save those for when I get old), get a degree, learn real massage techniques, learn how to let go of my anger (or better yet - not be such an angry person in the first place).

Loneliness - was watching some movie over the weekend, and there was a line about lonliness, and that being lonely is part of the human condition, so get over it (White Oleander maybe?). Kind of an interesting idea. Having spent the last 3 days by myself, I can say that it's both possible to be alone and not be lonely, as well as possible to be with someone and be lonely (at least in past relationships), so maybe loneliness really is something you can't escape. And if that's true, then you just enjoy the points in your life where you're NOT lonely before you return to being lonely?

Movies - I watched a LOT of movies over the last 4 days. Anger Management (vaguely amusing), He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not (strange little movie - subtitles), Legally Blonde 2 (crap - no surprise there, mom wanted to see it), Down With Love (kinda cute if you turn off your brain - pretty scenery/costumes - watched with my mom who remembered having clothes like that), rented Confidence but didn't watch it, White Oleander, and more that I can't think of right now. Apparently I'm getting old because I can't remember what the movies were about even... sigh...

Things that get to me...

...(in a good way) - Laughing til it hurts, til the muscles in your stomach are rubbery, until you can't breathe. A guiding hand at the small of your back - respectful but also intimate. A man's hands - that are capable and strong (able to change your oil or put up Christmas lights), but also can be tender and gentle, whether holding your hand or wiping away a tear. Unabashed shows of emotion - whether laughter, or wonder, or joy or sorrow, or just really feeling the boogie on the dancefloor. Seeing someone fully feeling a feeling lets you tap into that moment too.

Ok... I caved

Here is my result:
You are Colin Powell! You're the odd duck of
the Bush White House - the reasonable diplomat.
Every administration's got one!


Which member of the Bush Administration are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Randomness

Randomness - Ok, it's been a gazillion years since I bothered to post anything... so here goes with some thoughts that have been percolating around my brain... (Sorry for the horrible colors - I was trying to "fix" and now I'm too tired to finish... I'll fix it later - as much for my own eyes as for yours...)

Work sucks. Now I know that this is a revelation to no one. Nor is it strictly always true. However, lately it's been more true than not, so rather than sit on my ass and bemoan how crappy things are, it's time to branch out and think about what would be better. And while lying on a beach sipping a mai tai or a hurricane, or traveling the world looking for the next cute cabana boy would be better, those aren't particularly well-paying occupations. I need to get creative about what I'm good at, what I enjoy, and what combines those things in a way that I could get paid for. Maybe I should take a year off and write the "Great American Novel" (snort).

Some more pondering on work - do you do the work that lights you up, that gives you fire, that makes you want to kick ass and take names, but also makes you crazy about other people's stupidity, and the fact that you can't really change things, and that your head is bloody again from being banged into the same wall with a different coat of paint on it? Or do you stay somewhere safe and quiet, doing good work that needs to be done, quietly in the corner, work that people won't recognize, but will get you a decent review; do you sit stultifying and atrophying and coasting, but you can look at your co-workers without wanting to smack them, and you can sleep at night? I've never been one for playing it safe (at least about work) - you have to step out on that limb if you're going to find the juiciest fruit. And there has to be somewhere in your life that you take chances (other than hopelessly stupid romances). But is this the right limb to step out on? If I sit back and coast, there's time and energy and room to explore some new things... this will take more ponderance.

Meditations on art - I saw the movie Frida over the weekend. (I also saw Elizabeth - Netflix is a great thing - more on the movie later.) It made me think about art, and how it has the power to wound as well as heal, and the power to transcend what the artist intended. This also goes along with a thought I had while watching a show on VH1 called True Spin about how there are different interpretations of songs (i.e. Billy Idol's White Wedding was about his sister getting married, but there were interpretations about it being about cocaine or screwing around with virgins). Basically, you can wildly misinterpret a song, but whatever the interpretation is will be what sticks with you about that song. Same with any other art - whatever the artist's intent for the piece (whether a song, or a painting or a poem) takes on a life outside of the artist as soon as it is consumed by the receiver. That's probably neither bad nor good, merely the way things work. But could I let my "baby" go out into the world to be vilified or sanctified on its own? (Since an artistic creation is the closest I'm going to get to a "baby" anyway... I suppose the only way to know that is to take the leap of faith and find out.)

List of things to do before I die - See the pyramids. Walk on the Great Wall. Spend a sunset with someone I love. Learn to swim properly so I'm not afraid to snorkel. Climb a mountain (maybe not Everest or Kilimanjaro, but something bigger than the foothills). Learn how to snowboard. Learn how to play the piano. Forgive myself for the trespasses I've committed against myself (or allowed others to commit against me). Learn how to graciously take a compliment.

Sharks - went to see the Sharks last weekend with Christine. Christine is cool. She seems to come in and out of my life at about the points that I need something spritual in my life. I think this was one of those times. We had interesting talks, and she gave me an interesting CD. Without getting to new age-y and weird - the thing that stayed in my head and resonated the most was the idea that you attract what you need - whether it's good or bad. So sometimes you put out postive energy and you get positive things, and sometimes you put out negative energy and you get negative things. Sometimes it's not that simple. You put out what you think is positive energy, but it's actually clouded with other intentions (conscious or not), and you get the result of those intentions. So basically - you get the type of people in your life that you put the energy out there for... i.e. someone who puts out victim energy gets a victimizer, and if you're a care-taker you get someone to take care of. (Yes, this is wildly oversimplified, and no I don't think things are the fault of the victim - I'm talking broad strokes here folks.) Basically it's kind of a "what comes around, goes around" thing. Now I know that this works with money (i.e. when I don't worry about it and trust that it will come - it shows up, even when there's reallllllly no basis for thinking it will). It mostly works with work stuff when I get out of the way and let it (i.e. getting the job at Jetstream, getting any of the jobs at my current company). So why doesn't it work about dating? Because I am investing too much negative energy. So rather than be down about poor little me, I am going to stop worrying about what I don't have, and enjoy and work on what I do have. (Is it a case of if you build it, they will come? Yeesh...)

Shadows and fog - "...because I was drunk..." while probably a true answer, isn't probably an entirely honest answer. The honest truth is sometimes hard to know, and sometimes hard to say, and sometimes there are shades of gray and shadows that don't bear shining too much light onto.

Jealousy sucks - It's a sucky emotion to have. Basically it means you are hurting for a thing that you want that you're not getting. And it doesn't have to be the person that inspires the jealousy that you're jealous of. Sometimes that person merely bring to the surface the things that you deny that you want and need but really do, and holds up a mirror to what you don't want to see. And it doesn't hurt any less when he/she says things that bring your hurt to the surface, especially when the person says it unwittingly. And if they say it unwittingly, then you can't ask them not to say it without having to reveal that it hurts you.

Surreality - I've invented a new word. I was pondering the state of surrealness (surreality) that I walked into at one point. Pondering that there are more things brewing under the surface than you can understand. And that sometimes you are the catalyst, and sometimes you are the catalyzed. And depending on where you are, and who you are, sometimes that's ok. I guess there's also the idea that sometimes you're the star, and sometimes you're the minor player, merely there to move the action along. And that while sometimes you're a catalyst of your own actions, sometimes it takes something outside yourself to get you to react.

I am 40% evil. Take the test :: koolplace.com

Well-meaning comments

I love my friends. They are wonderful people (except for the ones who aren't, and they know who they are, and I love THEM because I'm not a particularly wonderful person either). However, well-meaning friends say things about singleness that make me want to rip skin off. Sometimes it's theirs, sometimes it's mine. So if you recognize yourself in any of these phrases, do not... I mean do NOT say them. To anyone. EVER.

The right one will come along... If your fucking crystal ball really worked, you wouldn't have time to be friends with me, you'd be rich off the stock market, the lottery, sports betting, etc. This is a condescending phrase. Yes, we know that you're trying to make us feel better... it's not working, so stop it.

...when you're not looking... Yeah, whatever... If I weren't looking, then we'd never make eye contact, know each other existed, etc.

...when you're ready... I'm ready NOW goddamnit.

...when you least expect it... I can't NOT expect it now that Prince Charming is so goddamned late.

You're so (fill in the blank)...
Pretty, smart, funny, ambitious, etc... Generally followed by:

...I don't understand why you haven't found someone already. Grrr... If this were understandable, I'd have the answer and have done whatever needed to be done to have someone.

...I understand why you'd hold out for just the right guy... No holding out here... just haven't found him.

Have you tried... followed by suggestions for things I've already thought of. And thought of. And thought of.

...the internet... Yay... humiliation via email, and the ability for the weirdo/loser/assholes to hide themselves that little bit longer before you find out what's really wrong with them. Besides, anyone who says it's worked for someone else is deluded. It's an urban myth. Just like the chocolate chip cookie recipe, like Bill Gates is going to give you money for using one of his products, like getting AIDS from infected needles in change slots of pay phones... Get over it...

...a dating service... Yes, because I wish to pay MONEY for the humilation, or boredom, or annoyance of meeting people.

...classes... Like golf, or cooking classes, or some activity where the opposite sex is assumed to hang out. It doesn't work that way... either they or you don't get up the nerve to actually talk to each other during class, and/or everyone bolts right away after class.

...asking friends if they know anyone... Let's dissect this one for a moment. There are many interesting angles here.

1. If a friend sets you up and you hate the person, then the "setter-upper" is screwed and never wishes to help again, and the "set-up" person thinks "how could my friend thing I'd ever in a million years want to be in any manner associated with THAT".
   
2. As the "setter upper" you may know why someone is single (is secretly a serial killer, has 18 cats, collects shot glasses), and may not wish to inflict those people on each other, but you can't explain that to either party.
   
3. Both sides of the dating transaction may actually like each other. In which case the setter upper then has to listen to both sides of the relationship dissect all the minutiae of what did or didn't happen on any particular date/phone call/IM session, etc.
   
   ...lowering your standards... Some things must not be endured, for any reason. Like being ok with someone who intentionally hurts you - physically, mentally, emotionally - in any manner.
   

Faith vs. Trust

Ok, so what's the difference between faith and trust? (It's kind hard to type properly after a few drinks...) I think trust is built on past actions to a degree - i.e. I believe that you won't screw me over because you haven't in the past, and because I'll allow the jury to be out on that one after one instance if you have other things to refute your testimony. However, I think faith is built on the idea that regardless of fact/fiction/proof/disproof, you have to simply believe in a thing, and therefore it will happen/be true (i.e. churches say that if you have faith in God he'll heal you, but if you don't have faith, you're a disbeliever and damned to hell).

So as a (somewhat) rational person, what do you do? You look at the world and see that women over XX years old don't seem to find soul mates. Based on that, trust would say that you probably won't either, but you should live your life as if that's true (you won't find anyone) and you should make yourself as happy as you can given that fact. However, faith says that just because you haven't seen it so far, and probably won't, doesn't mean it won't happen, and the fact that you would even doubt the faith means that that won't come true for you (i.e. Prince Charming and happily ever after). It's a stupid quandary - do I believe in fairy tales (i.e Charlotte in SATC), or do I move on and live the life I'm given on my terms and to my way of thinking (i.e. Samantha on SATC)? Obviously I don't have the answer. I kinda think - fuck it - if my life isn't what I want it, then I work around my deficiencies and work with what I have and make my life the best it can be. Then again, if I'm a faithful person, I wait around forever for something that may or may not really be meant to be for me (as you never get to know for sure what the universe has in store for you).

I really hate these 2AM existential dilemmas...

Being sick

Being sick sucks. Especially when you've been trying to fight it off for a week without actually doing anything different (like resting). It also sucks when the guy doing work around your house did a crappy job trimming the tree, then tells you that it should really be cut down because it has termites. And the other tree is growing into your gas line, so that should come out too. All of this when you're sick, don't want to deal with anyone, and just want so peace and quiet. Except that you can't GET peace and quiet because he's cutting up trees. And he called you 8000 times yesterday, but you didn't answer (and he didn't leave a message) because you were too pissed about how stupid the tree trimming looked. And you took a day off because you thought that since you have no meetings, this would be a good day to do it. But it's also the day that you have to get a document out, and you have people on both coasts that you're working with to try to get that done, and when you finally get people working on it, IM shuts down and won't let you back in (presumably because your DSL connection sucks for IM, but is fine for blogging, email, etc. Oh but wait - the other IM you use works fine... but no one is on that one.)

Review - New Matrix movie

New Matrix movie sucked. This was expected. I just didn't think I'd want to both (at different times) rip my own eyeballs out to make is stop, and almost fall asleep. No spoilers, so don't worry. I just didn't like it. But now it's off my list of stuff to do before I die, which is good because it makes room for something actually worthwhile.

Too many Saturday morning cartoons

More stuff to prove I'm old... when I was a kid there weren't that many cartoons available (i.e. no 24 hour cartoon channels), so Saturday morning was a special treat - you'd get to watch HOURS of cartoons. I remember that my parents loved it because I'd entertain myself at one of the house while they were able to sleep late. It was the one day of the week that I popped out of bed right away instead of trying to lie in a warm comfy bed a while longer. I'd get up, make myself a huge bowl of cocoa krispies (one of my favorites for the bonus chocolate milk left at the end - but not good to leave sitting for a couple of minutes, got soggy too fast) and sit on the couch in sugar-high cartoon watching bliss.

Part of what started me on this cartoon thought is that I have an internal product name going through my head in the tune of something from the Marriage of Figaro - the part where it repeats "Figaro" for a while (but with the product name in there). D'oh!!! Oh, and the fact that I can't hear most opera without picturing Bugs Bunny or Elmer Fudd or other Looney Tunes (or is it Toons?) characters dancing around. Well... that and the fact that I wore a Looney Tunes sweatshirt today too. Maybe I should behave like a cartoon character all day? Hit people over the head with big hammers, step off of high places and pinwheel in place for a while before falling, etc.?

Old fart

Just to prove I'm an old fart... I scored pretty well on this stupid quiz - 88.9.

Although I have to say I disagreed with 2 of the things (I put jesse's girl instead of jessie's girl and got it wrong. I think that blows chow.) I don't remember the other one.

In any case, I'm old, and this quiz proves it. That's ok, I wouldn't go back to my teens or twenties anyway. (Well, for a few parts I might...) Actually, I had a lot of fun with the quiz - I remembered all kinds of stuff when I thought of those songs. And I'm not sure why, but I really consider the 80s to be my time. The 90s is a blur, and the 70s - I was just a kid. I wasn't paying attention to what happened out in the world, or my place in the world, etc. So the 80s is when I was really sort of first aware of things. (I'm sure there's more here I should talk about, but I'm tired. I'll pick it up another time.)

Snob

Ok, I admit it. I'm a snob. I'm not saying this because I'm proud of it. If anything, I'm sure it limits me. I'm sure I'd meet interesting people if I didn't have an idea in my head about the type of people that I'm "supposed" to go out with.

Now we all know that when it suits me I have a "to hell with what anyone thinks of me" attitude. And for the most part I mean that. To the degree that I have written off giving a shit about what certain people think of me, that's true. To some degree I'm still too ruled by what I think people think of me - and the need to show them that I'm (whatever - fill in the blank). What was I talking about? Oh yeah, being a snob.

Is it bad to want certain things, and to not want to go out with someone that you doubt can give you those things? I've thought about the fact that I have a minimal dollar limit on how much money a guy should make per year if he wants to date me. I know that that's bitchy (after all, I don't have an upper limit), but it's also honest. I know that I don't want to have to carry someone, and I have a certain lifestyle I want to maintain. I don't want to either resent a guy for not being able to provide that for me in a life together, nor do I want to have to tone down my spending or travel or life in general because I don't want to hurt his ego about how much money he makes. While I don't make a ton of money by Bay Area standards, I make enough to have a comfortable life (thank god for stock options). I don't want to compromise on that. So if that means I miss out on some people who might otherwise be interesting, so be it.

Ok, and while I'm admitting what a shitty person I am, I have to say that there's a minimum entry criteria for intelligence. (You must be this smart to ride this ride.) Ok, it's not like a guy has to show up with his standardized test scores before I agree to step out of the house. But I don't really have a lot of patience if someone can't keep up with the conversation. I don't want to have to either tone down the way I naturally speak, or to explain every poly-syllabic word. I want to have arguments with someone that I can't win (at least occasionally).

I still don't understand how a guy can date a woman who is dumber than he is (I mean other than as straight fuck buddies.) I mean, how can that hold your interest for more than 6 months. I mean, I guess if she's sweet and uncomplicated that could have a certain charm for a while, but it's not sustainable. Or at least not to me. Then again... I'm alone... (and actually pretty happy about it right this minute.)

Slacker

No I'm not dead. Just being a slacker. Last week was strangely busy. Not horribly busy, just more than usual. That, and the fact that I had nothing in particular to say equals no posts. I'll start posting again some day.

My rear fence is being removed/rebuilt. That's a rather strange experience to have no fence between your yard and your neighbors. That was the only time I thought (seriously) about putting curtains on my big picture window. But the fence is mostly up, and the ivy mostly gone. There are a couple more bits and pieces to be done. I'm glad I have the wherewithal to pay someone else to do it, because I sure as hell didn't want to have to do the work.

Work is still a pain in the ass. I did consider whether I could take a year off of work and go do something... anything... (is it too early for my mid-life crisis??). While I can afford to do it (if I sell enough stock), I'm not sure what I'd actually do with myself. And being the masochist for emotional pain that I am... I think I'll just stay a while. Right up until I go postal. But then then won't probably let me travel... Hm... I may need to reconsider this taking time off thing... The real reason I don't want to go is not because I think I'll be bored with a year off (although that might be true). I think it's because I might never want to come back, and I definitely don't have the money to stay gone permanently. (Ah... I pine for the good old days when I was going to retire by 35 because the stock was going to keep going up forever...)