cshell

Main Entry: romance Function: verb

Main Entry: romance

Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): ro·manced; ro·manc·ing
Date: 1671
intransitive senses
1 : to try to influence or curry favor with especially by lavishing personal attention, gifts, or flattery
2 : to carry on a love affair with

Saw something really romantic on TV tonight that got me pondering - what, really, is romance? Sure, flowers and candy are romantic, but they're caricatures of the reality of romance. They're empty symbols if there's no real romantic intent behind them. Something is romantic if it shows another person how you feel about him, the standard in which you regard her.

The everyday romantic things I see my friends who are in love do for each other probably don't even register on other people, or outside of the twosome for whom those gestures are important (unless you have the eyes to see the gestures). The everyday romantic things are any ritual between the two of you that reaffirms your love for each other - kissing/hugging hello or goodbye, holding hands, giving each other a look across a room. But those aren't really where the romance is at when you've been in it for the long haul - ***this is where blogger/blogspot ate the rest of my post, and also where I get the hint that it's time to figure out a new blog host***

Too tired to do much

Too tired to do much more today than ponder that there's too much to do this week (I'd love to have 2 hours to myself to just catch up on magazines, much less web stuff and the books I'm in the middle of... sigh...). To some degree the being busy thing is good, but I'm going to wear myself too thin any second now.

Oh, and before I forget (since I keep forgetting to actually ask), must ask Metamanda about her blogging tools/webhosting, etc.

what' your agenda - how

what' your agenda - how do you know what a writer's agenda is? (will have to come back to this one later - sparked by Metamanda's comments about my comments ;-)

Wearing your pain on the

Wearing your pain on the outside - I've always found that you can see much of how a person has dealt with their pain if you pay attention to what they portray on the outside. The people who most give off signals that they don't want to conform/belong are the people longing the most to belong to something... anything (think goths). Or the people that wear the most makeup or the trashiest clothes are trying to cover up the lack on the inside with the glitter/spangles/camoflage on the outside. Or that the people who are trying to be the most non-conformist end up having a rigid uniform from which any deviation marks you as an outsider (from my youth that was the new wave kids for whom color marked you as the enemy). So who is the most truthful in their demeanor - the person who wears their pain on the outside (but doesn't realize that it shows), or the person who doesn't bother with what's on the outside?

Aha! - this explains much

Aha! - this explains much of my dating history... (Yes it's lame to post a Cathy comic, but it fits right in with the 27 cats I'm going to adopt soon.)

Dancing about architecture - so is watching TV or movies about art a useless pursuit, or can you actually learn something about the process of creation by watching things about how other people do it? I find myself watching TV or movies or reading articles about the creative process, and I find it strangely fascinating.

I know this about myself - I have to work myself up to things. If I have something difficult to say to someone, or I'm not sure how a conversation should go, I have to work myself up to actually having the conversation (or talk myself out of it entirely). Similarly with other big life choices (changing jobs, changing the nature of a relationship, buying a car/house/moderately expensive geek gadget), I have to research it, think about it, debate with myself whether I really need/want the thing, etc. So I think I'm working myself up to a creative rush. Maybe if I learn about how to write, or how a director or actor puts himself in the creative groove, etc. that maybe that will actually spur me to get off my ass and create something myself. The hardest part isn't finding something to say (at least I'm finding that out now), it's shutting up the inner critic that says that whatever you just created was sophomoric or trite or that it just doesn't ring true. The last scares me the most - what's the point of art if it's not about expressing a truth? That's also the scariest part on a different level - that in order to be really truthful, you also have to vulnerable, a bit naked. That's a big leap of faith to put yourself out there - are the rewards worth it? You never know until you take the leap...

Catholic guilt versus Jewish guilt - a brief conversation at brunch sparked a branch of thought for me. We touched on the difference between Catholic guilt and Jewish guilt, and I don't remember all of it, but the part that stuck with me is that Catholic guilt seems to settle into your guts to fuck with you as an adult in terms of sex. Interesting that a quick Google search for "Catholic guilt" and "Jewish guilt" yielded completely different types of things - the first things on Catholic guilt all seemed to be about sex, but the stuff about Jewish guilt seemed a bit more across the board. Maybe Jewish guilt is meant to instruct/teach/change, and Catholic guilt probably started that way, but it feels like all it does is beat us over the head into submission to the fact that anything fun/exciting must be bad/sinful/wrong and that we must be bad people for feeling those things.

Guilt pervades all areas of a Catholic's life, but I think you sort of slough off the minor guilts (after all you can binge/purge, confess/do penance) and save all the really good guilt for sex. (Except that the reasons I'm fucked up about sex aren't only, or even mostly, from being Catholic.) Apparently some teachings stay with you more so than others. For me the guilt about sex seemed stupid (it's enjoyable, God gave us these bodies, and if you're not using your body for children, then isn't it an equal waste to not use it at all?), so I let go of that pretty easily. I think the thing from my childhood teachings (and it's impossible to separate whether they were because I'm a girl or because I'm Catholic or because that's what the teachings from parents of that era were like) that is harder to shake is the idea of being a "good" girl - be a "good" girl or you won't be acceptable to people (they won't love you). Good girls had all kinds of rules that bad girls didn't - don't sit certain ways, always be polite, put others first/yourself last, always be kind/helpful/appreciative/a good listener/good sport, speak when spoken to and not before, always offer to help, never say no, be considerate, share, etc, etc, etc. Those things stayed with me to the degree that I didn't (and still don't much of the time) say how I really feel about something because it might hurt the other person's feelings (never mind that they've shredded my entire self-confidence), or I put my feelings/thoughts aside as being unimportant. Then again, the fact that I have a contrary/rebellious streak doesn't play well with the fact that I'm essentially pretty conformist/non-confrontational. Yes, these aspects are in opposition - which means I am completely random about what I'll be ballsy and rebellious about/which conventions I'll flout and which ones I'll toe the line to without thought to whether the line makes any sense or not.

Since I haven't written in

Since I haven't written in a while, here's a whole HOST of things to read about:

Meditations on toilets - Ah... the joy of being a homeowner. Basically it means that (unlike apartment dwellers) you have to figure out who to call or how to fix things when they break at your house. The particular joy of owning a 50 year old home is that the plumbing sucks. Not in a "my house is filling with water every day" sort of way, but in a "I've had to fix the same fixture in the shower 7 or 8 times in the 3 years I've owned the home". Not only that, I'm much more aware of my toilet than I ever wanted to be. I do think I've now officially replaced all the inner workings of the the toilet. One should not have to pay attention to toilets - they should just be there and work. All my life up until I lived in my own home, I don't believe I ever had to deal with a toilet problem (I know I never took the top of the tank off of my toilet in ANY of my apartments). Now I don't leave the bathroom until I'm sure the toilet is filling, not overflowing and otherwise is working properly. I live not in fear of the workings of the toilet, but in the vague anticipation that something will go wrong. The good news is that with all these plumbing trials and tribulations, I've gotten very good both at calling the plumber, and then (progress!) doing the repairs myself. (Because why pay a guy $60/hour plus the cost of parts to do something you can do yourself - it's not rocket science after all...although the pay rates do make you wonder...)

geek envy
romance

Insider vs. outsider - - This article that Metamanda thought was a must read was interesting... there are many interesting themes to tackle, but the first one that got my attention was the idea of the outsider. She posits that women are outsiders in the working world - my question is whether that is a perverse kind of advantage? Certainly it's a disadvantage in many ways - I live this every day - in that you aren't privy to the inner circles of power, the lofty reaches of the decision-making elite. But in my case I feel like it give me a hunger that helps my performance (the old "you have to work 5 times as hard as a man to succeed in a man's world" idea). However, I do see that I am going to be butting my head into these walls forever - no one in power willingly gives up power for any reason (good or evil - and wouldn't the person with the power see the person taking away power as evil to some degree). And I wonder if it's worth it?

There is a certain fire to those on the outside - but does it burn the outsider, or does it burn the insiders, or both? When you long to be an insider but are not, certainly the fire burns you - you either strive to be the insider, going to greater and greater lengths to be seen or included or recognized or you shun/renounce insider ways while still secretly pining to be on the inside. But what I got (a bit) from the article is that outsiders also are just waiting to burn insiders. (In this case it was the women whistle-blowers in Enron/Worldcomm/FBI.) I'm torn on this - was the whistle-blowing a good thing or a bad thing? The perception that women MAY be whistle-blowers to me is something that will merely keep women on the outside even further - there's ABSOLUTELY no incentive to let women into what really goes on in companies if they are going to use that information in damaging ways. While I agree that these truths needed to be told, I suppose I see it as a possible setback for women.

One thing I did get from the posting that I liked was the idea about blogging as a form of truth-telling and communication for women that we've never really had before. Blogging allows you to put your voice, your vision, your ideas into the world without the type of censoring that would normally go with any sort of broadcast medium (movies, tv, books). Here you have to chance to express yourself (for good or bad) without an editor (other than your own internal censor). I think for me that's allowing me to have an outlet for all my voices - humorous, angry, thoughtful, etc., and the freedom of that allows me to discover more and more about myself, but also about the world outside. I find that in order to have stuff to write about, I want to explore/read more about what other people find/think/feel.

Dieting - (For the moment I'm not dieting - have taken a bit of a break.) I was pondering the idea of dieting - is it a form of self love or a form of self hate? I suppose the militantly mentally healthy folks would say that it's self hate - you should love yourself as you are, embrace the victim within you and when you can nurture that you can accept yourself, etc, etc. I guess I'm feeling it as a form of self love - I have accepted for a long time that my weight was my weight and I didn't want to waste time and energy changing it. But now I do feel like devoting that time and energy - it's an investment in myself.

It's kind of a strange journey - the idea that you gain something by denying yourself something (although I suppose that's a tenet of many religions). Yes, I deny myself some of the foods that I love, but from that I gain a strength and a new way of seeing myself. Some of that new vision is physical (when you see the weight coming off it's like a physical archeological dig - peeling aways layers to reveal what's underneath). Some of it is internal (seeing myself at my thinnest in many years and looking forward to being thinner still). Some of it is in the way other people look at me differently (any reaction from a quizzical "did you change your hair" look, to a double-take, to a comment about this new positivity about me).

Oh, and what's with people trying to sabotage my dieting efforts? Is it their own insecurities (if she changes she won't hang with me anymore, or if she changes then maybe I'll have to change too)? Do they really not get how their critical comments sound (I've heard that diet sucks, you won't be able to maintain it, etc.)? I understand actual outpourings of concern (truly questioning whether I've thought it through and know the possible risks involved), and I appreciate those. But I do wonder at some people's motives - is it about them or me?

Pursuit of the alpha male - Having just read a blog about alpha males, I then picked up Fortune and was reading about alpha males and alternative strategies that are working (at least among baboons), which made me think about Lesson 12 - the Post-Alpha Male. I think that's the kinda guy that would be interesting. Too bad I don't know any of them. Well... I actually do, but they're all "friends" (yes, it belongs in quotes - that means there's the insane chemical attraction and some stupid rule on one or both sides saying that we can't actually fuck. sigh...)

"Can straight guys be fashionable?"

"Can straight guys be fashionable?" - Per dinner discussion last night, one of my favorite new TV shows is Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. For those who are cable-impaired (this is on Bravo), it's on "real" TV tonight - NBC.

Pirates - mmm... eye candy... That's it, it's official. Orlando Bloom is dreamy with any hair color... (although the greasy-haired pirate look wasn't my favorite - except in a dirty pirate fantasy sort of way.) As per others' reviews of this movie, it looked like Johnny Depp and Geoffrey Rush were having just a ton of fun doing this movie.

Banging - Heard about this on the radio this morning.

Thought - why do women

Thought - why do women feel like they are defined by having someone else? On all the women's sites and in women's magazines, everything seems to be about men - how to catch one, how to keep one, how to be most attractive to them, how to minimize your defects for them, etc, etc, ad nauseum. Why are there no articles about being the best, most fulfilled, happiest person you can be - regardless of your dating/marital status? Why do we have to compare ourselves to others to get our sense of who/what/how we should be?

Found out today that a

Found out today that a friend's mom died of leukemia in the last week or two. Makes me think about doing another marathon for the Leukemia society. Metamanda is doing a running marathon. I've been considering doing another walking marathon for a while, but maybe I'll do this in her memory.

That blows... I can't find

That blows... I can't find some of the stuff for my iPod - like the original CD of the Musicmatch stuff so that I could reinstall it. (I could install it from the web, but then I'd have to pay for features that were free with the cd.) I didn't think to look for that before I uninstalled it. D'oh! The stupid thing is - it has to be around somewhere - I never throw anything away. C'est la vie.

Traveling - while I'm stoked about my trip to Italy, suddenly (of course), I'm wanting to go on other adventures that might require a day off work, and now can't go. Sorta glad I'm not going on the tubing trip, but also sad to miss out - I'm sure there will be many adventures there (some of which might involve either possibly bodily harm due to drunkenness, or nudity due to drinking, or all of the above). Then again, I'm doubting it isn't stuff I've seen before, so... oh well.

You are a goddess! Which

You are a goddess!


Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Thoughts on my obsession with

Thoughts on my obsession with Sex and the City and identifying w/TV character (how silly is that, but I'm sure I'm not the only one who does this) - Miranda - In case there was ANY doubt about which character I'd identify with the most, every quiz I took told me I was Miranda. Duh... let's see... control freak, check; unable to express feelings, check; happiest with work stuff that you can control and where you know you're respected, check; can't stand the typos and misspellings in most of the quizzes, check. Maybe I should make my hair more red?

You're Miranda! You're occasionally too cynical for
your own good, but you've got a high-powered
professional streak that makes you extremely
focused towards achievement. You're
intelligent, sarcastic, and you know exactly
what you want.

What 'Sex and the City' Character Are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

You're Most Like Miranda! You value intellect and
sensibility, but you want people to see you can
be fun and daring as well. You are very
cynical, and sometimes you use this as a
mechanism to keep people away. But when people
need a shoulder to cry on, your heart melts and
all pretense of fearing emotion goes away.


What 'Sex and the City' Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

I think at least partially I'm identifying with Miranda over the last few weeks because I'm going through similar stuff. While this week is not exactly the same (I'm now past the major burning questions and needing to know what happened, and on to merely wondering about stuff), I know where she's at. What do you say to someone you used to care about and maybe would like to see if he's interested in rekindling anything? Do you take the leap and risk a broken heart, or is it more risk to say nothing? Would it work any better this time, or is it a jump to a broken heart you know you've already been through? Having been there in the past and taken the "safe" road - you always wonder what if (what if he wanted to leap with you, what if he rejected you - how do you go on as friends, or do you, etc).

The day was great overall.

The day was great overall. Just got back from dinner in a new place with friends. (Walked around Santana Row a bit and found some new restaurants I'd been wanting to try. Figured out where the entrance to Maggiano's is - I"ve only ever seen it from the back side which is where I drive by every time I come from Mountain View -which apparently is fairly often.) Had a piadine(i) - pretty much salad on a pizza crust - get your carbs and salad in a handy delivery mechanism - yum. Also had wine - which probably has more to do with my good mood and the number of typos I'm having to fix. Then had Baskin Robbins for dessert. I only tried 2 of the 31 flavors, but that's two more than I've had in forever, so that's good.

Trip preparation thoughts - need to get good walking sandals asap so I can get the broken in. Also need to get back into walking shape - probably should get up to 4 miles/day and some hills/stairs for good measure to be ready for Italy. Ok, and after the amount of food and the amount of holding still I did due to the heat today, that's a good idea anyway.

I love days like this.

I love days like this. Woke up late. Had brunch with friends. Went for a bit of a drive. Going to have a nap and then read, and maybe watch a movie or some Tivo'd stuff. Mmmm... delicious languorous hours... not enough of them. And I thought my house was hot at 78. But compared to the 98 my car says it is, now the house feels absolutely lovely.

Maybe it's just easier to enjoy myself knowing that things in my life are clearer now. Friends are just friends, there's no ambiguity, and I can spend that energy on better things. Like planning my trip to Italy. I'm still so excited I can't stand myself. Going surfing for travel stuff now...

Random surfing fun - I

Random surfing fun - I think I may have to sample these products, they sound oddly intriguing. And because I spend much of my time asking this question, I NEED this. Oh, and for my trip to Europe, that reminds me that I need a replacement. Hm... another thought - will have to lookup (remember) where the internet cafe places were (are) to send updates - and must get people's updated addresses for postcards and email updates. Do I want to bring my Palm for such info? Probably not, just one more piece of electronica I'd have to carry chargers for.

Message to the universe -

Message to the universe - next time can I get my life lessons spread out a bit instead of all in one week?

How do you go about

How do you go about becoming the person you're supposed to be? I'm pretty sure that the person I am now is ok - sometimes cool, sometimes a pain in the ass, etc. - but I know there's more - there's someone incredible in there if I can dig her out of the bullshit, limited thinking, stifled by fear person that there is now. Somewhere there's a doin' something in spite of her fear, sexy in her own skin, emotionally abundant, kickin' ass and takin' names kinda person in there. Someone who should be doing stuff she's not doing now (but needs to find the stuff).

I think I got off course somewhere along the line (if there even is a course - I think that changes constantly), but I'm pretty sure there's stuff that needs to change. Not in a bad way (i.e. not because I hate some aspect of myself), but in a growth sort of way. I think the time off will be a good time to think about that stuff, slough off some of the crap and start growing a new skin.

When it rains, it pours

When it rains, it pours - Don't you love it when EVERYTHING in all facets of your life comes together at the same time? I got closure on 2 different issues this week. I have so much weight lifted off of me that I feel positively bouyant. I stayed up too late reading about Italy last night, so I'm tired but so excited I can't stand myself. I love it when a plan comes together.

Ooooo... brainstorm... Greece.

Ooooo... brainstorm... Greece.

I was soooo excited, that

I was soooo excited, that I had to run to B&N and buy some guidebooks so I could figure out where to spend my extra days in Italy, and so I'd know stuff. LOL.

And the truth shall set

And the truth shall set you free - I'm soooooo excited! I just sent in the check for my 3 week tour of Italy. Woo hoo! Yes, the web site is a bit hokey, and I've been to some of the places already (Venice, Florence and Rome), but I'm excited nevertheless. Besides, who wouldn't want to see those places again???

Yeesh, as if I haven't spent enough money this year, my next thought was of buying a smaller digital camera. That was my only real gripe about any of the stuff I brought with me last time was that my camera was a bit too bulky, and kind of a pain in the ass to carry. Maybe if I could get a better case (the one I have has pockets for extra cards and such), maybe then the same one would be fine. But I really like the camera I have... it's just a tad bulkier than I want to carry around. Hmmm... maybe if I swap cameras for 3 weeks with a friend (of course promising to replace it if it gets lost or stolen)... must ponder... Oh, and I should update my address lists for post cards.

I'm so excited!! Woo hoo, something to look forward to!! 3 weeks off work!! Oo... should I take the extra days at the beginning or the end? The tour is Sept 5-24 (I'll miss mom's and Dan's birthdays - they'll probably forgive me if I bring them back something cool...) So if I have to take at least one day before, and then might as well prolong it a few days after and come home on Sunday, then that looks like 17 days off work. I think I have 8 days available now, plus 2 floating holidays... should I go in the hole for the days? Where to go with the extra days? I'll end in Rome (which I've seen before)... so I'll have to do some research on southern Italy. Or maybe go visit friends? Must ponder...

Ever get a piece of

Ever get a piece of information that takes your breath away - literally? This has happened a couple of times over the last month or so. The first time was when I found out my former boss was leaving the company. My brain sorta got stuck - I didn't know what to think, couldn't figure out to ask any questions, etc. The funny thing is the person telling me assumed I already knew, so it was even more surreal. Now, it didn't turn out to be a bad/stressful thing, but it was weirder that I sorta vapor locked on it for a bit.

I found out something else today, and my first response was to stop breathing. I didn't even realize I'd done it until I had a weird sensation and started breathing again. (Then again the fact that I seem to be having an asthmatic day isn't helping - but I hate using my inhaler because it makes me jittery.) It was weird - even my thoughts went still, I didn't even have any internal dialog going. I know it's the key piece of information I've been looking for, but I don't even know how to process it. But maybe it means I can let go and move on?

Sex and the City

Sex and the City meditation - While the actual question from this isn't relevant to anything, the content of the answer reminds me of this week's Sex and the City.

"Why hasn't he called? It could be one of a multitude of reasons: he went back with an ex-girlfriend, he has a pressing personal problem that's taking his attention, he went out of town, he didn't like your new lipstick, he thinks you don't really like him, Mercury hasn't aligned with Mars, and on and on. The point is that he hasn't called because he hasn't called, and it's not your fault. You did nothing wrong. All you can do is be yourself, and one day -- hopefully soon -- you will meet the right man. " Yeah, whatever.

The link to Sex and the City is the idea that women obsess over stuff that is pretty cut and dried to the guy - he's not worrying over every possible nuance of meaning in something she said. He's doing his own thing, living his life, not wasting time making excuses for why you didn't call, or thinking that you're a shit for not calling/emailing/etc. Miranda found it liberating. I do too. Not sure I can actually do anything different going forward, but it can't hurt to keep in mind, and maybe I can obsess for a shorter time next time... what a concept.

How to measure time in your life - Sure you can use years, but that's no fun. sometimes it's by boyfriend, sometimes it's by music, sometimes it's by job, sometimes it's by friends,and sometimes it's an amalgam of the above. I think some day I want to create a visual timeline of my life that includes the major stuff - jobs/boyfriends/traumas/triumphs, etc. Then again, that sounds crafty (in that old lady sort of way) - ick.

iPod - I love mine. I almost had a heart attack last night when I realized I'd left it at work. Not only at work, but in the open on my desk. Luckily it was still there (it had been buried under some paper) - I would have been a VERY unhappy camper to have to shell out for a new one - but I would have. It sucked today when the battery died. It's become an amazingly important appendage in my life. I do, however, wonder about hearing loss, but then again I don't listen to it very loud. That's what the car is for (ok, that and going fast).

Let's see if this post

Let's see if this post works... I have an idea for something - how does your perception about a person change as you get to know more about them? I learned some info recently about someone I had known a while, and it changed (a bit) how I think about that person - not in a bad way, merely a different way of looking at the person. Sometimes it's good if it helps explain stuff about the person that you sort of knew but hadn't articulated in your head. Like finding out someone I know is bi-polar - suddenly all the pieces click - the pieces were all there, but they hadn't connected. It'didn't change how I felt about my friend, but let me cut her some slack in different ways, and gave me better ways of dealing with her. Seems like there'd be a cool way to represent that thru a movie (something akin to Sliding Doors).

Many, many random thoughts today...

-Since High Fidelity showed up on my Tivo today (thanks to my almost slavish devotion to John Cusack), I had a thought about the idea of him being a "professional appreciator", which then got me thinking that I am a tweaker of others' ideas. I'm not creative enough to come up with brilliant ideas for myself, but I'm moderately good at taking other people's ideas and making them better. No, I do not have examples off the top of my head, because they'd mostly be boringly work-related anyway. I'll come up with some examples later.


Serendipity


What John Cusack Movie are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

-Evangelizing Tivo - See, I thought I was just being ironic when talking about the cult of Tivo, but apparently it wasn't merely irony... Besides, I'm afraid they'll come take it away if I mention its mind controlling powers. There are also an amazing number of articles (or whatever) if you google for "tivo addiction" - my favorite is the link to Scientific American... The interesting bit:
"In 1986 Byron Reeves of Stanford University, Esther Thorson of the University of Missouri and their colleagues began to study whether the simple formal features of television--cuts, edits, zooms, pans, sudden noises--activate the orienting response, thereby keeping attention on the screen. By watching how brain waves were affected by formal features, the researchers concluded that these stylistic tricks can indeed trigger involuntary responses and "derive their attentional value through the evolutionary significance of detecting movement.... It is the form, not the content, of television that is unique."

-Body Image - was trying to find serious stuff about body image, but found this instead. Is it somehow mysoginistic to throw food at the model to make her gain weight? An article on the site had info about my question about body image and race. The interview isn't actually very revealing, but did raise an issue I hadn't thought of - body image issues as a result of trauma. Of course the connection makes sense, but I didn't put it together.

Bitchmagazine.com - oddly, my surfing for body image stuff led me to an add for this magazine. There's not much content online, but just the premise makes me want to find a copy. Now that I have long hair again, I'm not worried about being labeled a lesbian (not that there's anything wrong with that) for picking up this magazine. Ok, I lied - there is some content I like - like the article about the current trend in books - the "singleton" woman: are women nothing without men? (Apparently I can't link, but go to the archives and look for Marketing Miss Right.)

-Geek by association - I had found a geek web site of some sort, and it had an article by a girl geek. She talked about how she was one of the few women in her classes, blah, blah, blah. That wasn't particularly interesting (as I now can't even find the site). However, it got me wondering - I don't think I could really be called a geek. I don't think I'm technical enough - I understand most stuff, and I can fake my way through most conversations, but I don't have a real LOVE for techno crap. But the fact that I like to have geek artifacts (PDA, Tivo, iPod, specific cell phones, etc.) around doesn't really make me a geek, right? So I think I'm a geek by association - I hang out with geeks, and if you can't beat 'em, join 'em, so here I am. (See... I can't be a real geek because I went to a site and then left because I couldn't stand the colors/fonts.) I can't decide if I'm trying to rationalize the fact that I'm not a geek so I can still fit in with my geek friends, or trying to be "normal" and disclaim my geek tendencies. Hmmm...

Some thoughts to follow up

Some thoughts to follow up on later (swiped unashamedly from Amanda's postings) - meditations on body image (fat/thin - relativism), the idea of asian women (or hell - any women of color) wanting to look caucasian (eye surgery, hair color, clothes, etc.). Are there any cultures that are more/less susceptible to that (I'd guess black women would be less susceptible than asian, but that's a guess). I'd be curious how the "ideal" woman's shape has evolved (devolved) over the last 50 years - I'm sure it's gotten thinner, but I'm beginning to wonder if body styles go in and out of vogue (in some old movies you can tell the era not only by the clothes, but by what body style was "in"). I'm sure there's a book or a documentary out of all of this.... must ponder more...

New thought - how much

New thought - how much of what we really want to say is couched in some way - hidden meanings, hidden agendas, hidden sometimes even from ourselves? A couple of my favorite songs off the newest album I've been osmosing (is that a word) are fun because of double meanings. Well, not really double meanings, just multiple ways of looking at something I guess. And that what one person would get out of it is something other than what someone else might get out of it.

Some of my favorite albums are my favorites because they either mirror something that I'm going through in my life in terms of the lyrics, or in terms of the mood of the music, or they mirror things I wish I were or wish I could be or wish I could have. Sometimes it's also things that I didn't think about until I heard the song, but it reflected some of my experience as well, in terms I hadn't thought of - like perfectionism (how we strive to have our parents love us), religion (or lack thereof), coming to grips with former loves, empowering yourself, seeing your own sexiness reflected in your attraction to someone else, wishing for a life you're not going to have, knowing it's not going to work, but going for it anyway, fighting and making up, introspection, the one that got away, being a strong woman, but also wanting to lean on someone else's strength sometimes. And a million songs about crushes and love and butterflies that glimpse of the one you want, and the chase, and obsessing over the person and forgiveness and that space that's just the two of you, and letting go.

Oh, random thought... is there

Oh, random thought... is there a female equivalent for dreaded sperm buildup (or is it deadly - I merely know it as DSB)? Cuz I'm pretty sure that after a year your brain gets a little wonky and you start thinking strange thoughts... For instance... I took the purity test just for fun... and while some of my answers did have to be sort of stretched a bit (i.e. using the broadest interpretation of "sex" - I'm assuming that in some of the cases oral sex counts even if Mr. Clinton didn't think so), I think my score makes me (in Mike's words) "hot to trot".

Hmmm... PUNK ROCK : Like

Hmmm...

PUNK ROCK : Like a revived species of nearly extinct salamander, Punk Rock Asian Girls are a rare type, but slowly climbing up to existence again. Your passions are mainly music and anime and you've probably dyed your hair some odd color of the rainbrow. And if you haven't, you probably will. You often feel like you are misunderstood, but don't worry. Just think about thongs. Very funny.


What Asian Girl Are You?
VISIT HTTP://JEALOUSY.TK

Hm... a friend thinks I

Hm... a friend thinks I have anger issues. Me??? When, have I EVER gotten mad, gone on a rant, pouted, etc. ... lol

Not that it's anything actually

Not that it's anything actually new, but I did figure out today that when you have a lot of anger, frustration, hurt, alienation, loneliness, fear, etc, etc, etc (ok, just make it any negative emotion) - cleaning the house is a good antidote. Not only is my house the cleanest it's been in um... forever... I'm also so tired (and sweaty and dehydrated), that I couldn't shed any tears even if I could remember what I had to cry about. On the plus side, the floors are swept and mopped, the kitchen floor is gleaming from a hands and knees scrubbing, the bathroom is sparkling, and there is no dust on the surfaces within reach. Oh, and the front yard is watered, garbage/recycling are at the curb, and I have clean clothes. Whew.

I know what I'm missing...

I know what I'm missing... flirting. Especially drive-by flirting. There used to be at any given company I worked for a list in my head of at least 3-4 guys I could go flirt with. I'd drop by their desks, get a little eye-candy, a little lingering eye contact, throw out a witty bon mot and go back to my day feeling that little tingly glow of connection, of anticipation of the next time, of validation that for a moment another person found you attractive, and vice versa. It didn't have to be with people who were dateable, just someone that is attractive to me in some manner (not necessarily physical, although that's the most fun) - and some of my best flirting was with guys who were definitely unattainable, perhaps because everyone knew what the boundaries were, and it was much more fun to skate up to that line at speed and then away. This is now missing from my life. How did this slip by unnoticed? Hmm... how to re-acquire targets? Hmmm...

Oh, and since I didn't publish any of my quiz scores from Amanda and PQBON's quizzes of last week(?), the only quiz result I have is that I'm a silly flirt - apparently I'll do anything for a laugh.

Interesting ponderance: am watching Lord

Interesting ponderance: am watching Lord of the Rings (yet again) because it's on cable and it's a lovely noise and occasional eye-candy while I'm doing other stuff. At the part where what's his name says "it's been long since we had any hope" I was wondering about hope. It's something you have to foster to keep in your heart and keep alive, but how do you keep it when everything around you points to despair? It hurts more to be hopeful and have that constantly dashed than to merely give in to despair, grieve and move on. But the thing with hope is that in some way you can't really kill it - it's almost as if it's outside of you, because it's always there - even if you rationally know that whatever you're hoping for is not going to happen.

Random tangent - Viggo Mortensen. How fucked up that a woman of my age is drooling over him like a love-sick 14 year old? The fact that I LOVE the fact that he writes poetry. And OH MY GOD (imagine this coming from a hyper 12 year-old girl's high pitched squeal), his hands... I have such a secret fantasy thing about hands... mmmm.... (wipe drool from chin), and his are swoon-worthy. Sigh...

OH, and for this from

OH, and for this from my friends: CNN.com - Stonehenge riddle 'solved.' It's a girl - Jul. 10, 2003 - the word is "yonic". That is one of my favorite words of all time, and I get to use it sooooo infrequently. Many things are phallic, not so many are yonic (although apparently the hangar at Moffett Field is yonic - there was some article about that in I think the Metro, which is where I learned the word, but that was probably at least 5 years ago.)

Ok, I WAS off on

Ok, I WAS off on a rant.

Now I'm feeling fuckiing HOMICIDAL. This fucking tool lost my fucking post AGAIN. How stupid is it that the CANCEL button equals "eat my posting and throw it a-fucking-way"? Why doesn't cancel mean "don't do anything - put me back where I was a minute ago". Fucking piece of shit goddamned son of a bitching thing. Hrmph....

To start over on my original rant... my friends blew me off. I sent them email asking if anything was going on tonight, and asking if they wanted to do something. 3 of the 4 didn't respond. The 4th responded, and then went incommunicado. Luckily I met up with other friends and went out to dinner, so I'm merely in a shitty mood now.

That's not what I really wanted to rant about, however. What I REALLY wanted to rant about was love. Or rather, lack thereof. What the fuck, man? Assholes and thieves and liars and sycophants and losers and apparently ANYONE can find love but me. Now, I'm sure that's because I'm not willing to settle and all, but still... I'm happy for my friends who are happily in love - they deserve to be happy. But don't I deserve it too? I'm obviously not entirely unloveable, or I wouldn't have any friends. But... Oh, fuck it. Having a public pity party doesn't fix anything, so I'll go back to ranting. It doesn't make things any better either, but it feels empowering instead of draining.

Men suck. Not all men. Apparently just the ones that I'm interested in. They have this incredible timing or knack for knowing when I'm done. When I'm not putting up with their shit any longer, they come back with some story that sorta makes sense (in an "I'm trying to rationalize that what he's done is ok so that that means I'm not being a psycho chick" sort of way). Or they let me in just enough to know that they are interested in me, and I get interested in them, and then BLAMMO! they withdraw. Is this something they learn in the locker room, or in some strange secret initiation? (That conjures images I'm not sure I want, and am pretty sure I now can't get rid of...) I'm sure it's just that the men I am attracted to are in no manner good for me. Let's see... what do they have in common... funny, smart, generous of spirit, ambitious, capable, emotionally crippled, crappy communicators, mostly passive agressive, spineless (who says men have the balls - I've yet to meet ONE who has the balls to have the hard conversation, to say the things that need to be said and to do the things that need to be done).

Wild change of topic away from scary psycho girl and back to "normal" - Went to Ken/Amanda/Craig/Seni/Alyssa's softball game and dinner with them yesterday. That ended up being strangely fun. (Ok, mostly it was because I wasn't home by myself yet again.) Interesting discussion: the "sausage incident". More interesting was an ongoing thread about music (which stuff you were ashamed of, the death of records, etc.)

Random funness... tarot reading. Interesting

Random funness... tarot reading. Interesting how the cards fell with respect to specific aspects of my life... sigh...

That blows. I just lost

That blows. I just lost a post because a stupid fucking pop-up came up and killed my IE session. Grrr....

Anyway... the original ponderance was basically about how writers (songwriters specifically right now) let you into their hearts and minds in their lyrics. I've been listening to the latest Liz Phair today, and pondering the lyrics to a couple of songs (Rock Me and Why Can't I). I'm sure she wrote both songs from her own place/ideology/live experience, etc., but the songs touch me in different ways and become personal to me as I apply them to my experience. One reminds me of the relationship I wanted with someone, and both remind me of that newness/giddiness/butterflies in the stomach/stomach flip excitement when you're around a new crush or romantic interest. Ok, and the fact that her voice really isn't all that great... a bit thin (yes... I relate to that... I'm sure I was an opera singer in a previous life, and my karmic punishment for some infraction is that I have a weak, thin, reedy voice... sigh...).

Another thought - don't you get tired of singing the same old angst-filled songs a year later (when you're touring in support of your last album) when you've probably moved on in your life and are in a different place now? For instance, the Evanescence stuff would seem to me to get old to sing after a while since it's uniformly pretty dark (ok, if not dark then at least moody and introspective).

Ok, I suppose I'm repeating myself from yesterday, but... get over it. It's MY thoughts after all. So what if they're circular - at least I will occasionally let them circle counter-clockwise just for fun.

Another random thought - what's

Another random thought - what's with famous people dying lately? Buddy Ebsen, Buddy Hackett, Katherine Hepburn, Barry White, David Brinkley - who's the next one? Theoretically people die in 3's, so who's next? Now I'm not sure of the timing of all of these folks, so maybe the triad will be broken, but it's a macabre thought anyway...

For my family - the

For my family - the Redneck Games...

Random thoughts - why is listening to/reading about/seeing first hand anyone else's angst (or even just their normal lives) so fascinating? Is it because we're so bored and jaded with regard to our own lives? Is it just because it gives us a [warped] mirror - showing that maybe we're not as fucked up as we think?

How do people write such personal songs and then get up and sing them every night? Especially if they have a long tour in support of a record - you may be singing about heartache that's 2 years old (when you may have moved on and be happy now - or worse - you're still stuck there).

Some more random thoughts for

Some more random thoughts for the day - Def Poetry Jam is way cool. Not in a "trying to be hip-hop" sort of way. It's cool in a "getting back in touch with the power of words" sort of way. Makes me want to write some poetry myself, except for the fact that mine is juvenile and asinine and only related to broken hearts in some way or another. Then again, you have to start somewhere...

Another thought... must be in growth mode. I'm really into anything sort of artsy fartsy right now. Iam reading again for the first time in ages - and while it's not voraciously like I used to, at least I'm doing so. (Then again, does it count if I read with the TV on?) Saw Wicked in San Francisco last weekend, that was AWESOME!!! (Fabulous sets, amazing costumes, incredible voices/casting - how unlike me to run out of superlatives.) [Ok, small rant here - the only fucking sites I could find for Wicked the musical are owned by people who link shit to other shit that doesn't make any sense and for which you can't get the information you're seeking. Fuckheads.] Am wanting to go to MOMA, but not sure who would go with me (although I may put that off a couple of weekends until the Chagall exhibit is ready). Started blogging (for no discernable reason - other than to see my ramblings actually somewhere other than my head?) I still haven't gone to the Ansel Adams museum either - maybe I could make a day of that... hm....

Took my first golfing lesson

Took my first golfing lesson today. Now I know why it's so hard to be GOOD at golf. There are a million things that need to be put together to make the swing come together correctly (keep your wrist straight, follow thru with your whole body, etc.). I could get any one or two things for a couple of swings, but I couldn't seem to put them all together very well. It did seem to work best when I just cleared my mind and did it, and/or if I sort of thought of it all in terms of dancing, but I couldn't do that consistently. C'est la vie, it was kind fun anyway (except that I'm going to have the stupid golfer's tan around my ankle socks... d'oh!)

Random thought - was watching

Random thought - was watching "The Net" . Why is it that no one in the movies ever makes typing mistakes? No one ever uses the back button (or the frigging space bar for that matter....). And it was funny that they threw in some stuff that's sorta real, with random other stuff that's pretty clearly not real (like an IP address would show you someone's picture/identity... d'oh!)

Ok, so Iâ..ve been reading

Ok, so Iâ..ve been reading other peopleâ..s blogs and kinda thinking about writing one myself, except that I donâ..t want other people to see it (though I kinda do) and feel like I have nothing to say (except why would I want to write one at all).

So here I am. I was pondering that I donâ..t usually have very much luck surfing on the web anymore, and was just musing that I really miss that about the early days of the web â.. finding random stuff leading to more random stuff that was in some way so strangely addictive. I miss the random wanderings that led to strangeness and greatness and mediocrity and funniness and boringness and just life. And that it used to prove to me that while my life is boring, so is everyone elseâ..s â.. or theyâ..re lying about it (leaving out the boring stuff and only hitting the high notes). Now I find it's ads leading to ads leading to corporate crap. Sigh...

The problem for me with a blog is that I would think of it as pretty much a journal entry. And that would be fine for much of the mundane crap that I might wish to write about, but at some point my real feelings would creep in and Iâ..d be naked on the web for all to see (even if I didnâ..t tell anyone about my stuff being there). And that since I never actually surf the web and find anything interesting/amusing/cool/weird/whatever, I would never have any links to anything other than the stuff that other people thought was interesting/amusing/cool/weird/whatever. this could perhaps be a link/guide/point of interest along the wayâ.¦

Ok, and how sad is it that I've been JONESING to be out of work, to be able to go somewhere, do something that doesn't involve work, and what am I doing? I'm hanging out at home, bored out of my mind! (Just searched IMDB to see if "bored beyond belief" which Harris writes backwards on his window in LA Story made the db, but it didn't. Otherwise I'd have linked it. See, I can't even link anything when I think of something to link.