Karma?

So if what comes around goes around, and you are a cynical person, and the general energy you put out is negative, does that mean you're always doomed to negative things in your life? I don't really believe that's true - I've had some really amazingly wonderful things in my life, despite the fact that I forget that sometimes and feel sorry for myself. But what if you're really only cynical to have thick enough skin to get through your life?

Circles of dating hell

I tried to explain to a friend once why I don't date. I said picture a circle within which are all men. Now picture a smaller circle inside of that that comprises all the men in the general area that are geographically desirable. Now picture a smaller circle that hold all the straight men in that geographic area. And yet another smaller circle holding the men that don't smoke (deal-breaker). And another smaller circle that excludes those with other deal-breaker qualities (serial killers, guys who live with their mothers, alcoholics, sensitive-new-age-ponytail-guys, etc.). And another for the guys in the general age range that I'm looking for, who own their own cars, who are funny and smart and decent human beings. And so on, and so on... you get the idea. Even if you're reasonable about the things you're interested in or not (i.e. you don't only want to date men who are 6'2" with blond hair and green eyes who are Aries and own a house in Los Altos, etc.), that circle gets pretty damned small and confining. And that assumes that Mr. Wonderful could be lassoed into that circle and found. Sigh...

Cynicism

I think it would be much nicer to go through the world as an optimist. Then you don't know in advance that people are going to fuck up and be weak or stupid or in some other way disappointing. If it happens, then you didn't spend time expecting it and then you're right about it.

It's also probably bad that I'm attracted to people who are cynical too, and who have a dark side. Bright, shiny, happy people are fun to be around sometimes, but I think in general I don't trust them because I think they're phony - how could anyone live in this messed up world and be sunny? Of course when you get to know these shiny happy people you realize that they really are that way, and they really are nice to be around. I get why people are attracted to that. But I can't (or won't) be that kind of person ever, so this is merely another way that I won't be attractive to other people. To be fair to myself I have to admit that I don't want someone who isn't attracted to me the way I really am (whatever that is for this five minute period), but it starts limiting an already limited dating pool.

1800's

I have more respect for my pioneer ancestors. (Assuming there are some of those on the white side of the family.) Either that or I have more respect for any ancestors that didn't have electricity. The first clue was that the streetlight wasn't on outside my house when I pulled up. The second clue was the realization that the christmas lights down the street weren't on either. The third clue was that none of the neighbors had ANY lights on.

Coming home to no eletricity is kind of fun (so long as it's an occasional thing). The heater is gas, so the house was warm, even if it was dark. I walked in the front door, put my stuff down, and went right to the candles and lighter near the door and lit 2 candles. One I left where it was, and the other I took with me as I walked over to the table to take my coat off and hang it over the back of a chair. (Luckily it wasn't raining too much when I walked in the door - I got the garbage and recycling carts in with only wet hands.) Even though it was dark in the house, it wasn't scary. Rather it was cozy.

It was strangely light outside for having no electricity and even though it's been stormy all day. I lit some candles in the living room. And I found a couple votives in the other room and put them in various holders. And I lit all the little tea lights in the black wrought-iron-leaves-candle-holder-thingy. With all of those lit the living room was cozy and pretty. Would have been really romantic if there had been someone there to share it with. I lit candles and carried them to my bedroom and the bathroom (just in case I needed to find my way to those places.)

I grabbed some cold food out of the fridge. The power must have been out for a little while. It wasn't warm in the fridge, but it wasn't super cold either. I brought the food with me and curled up in the chair in the living room. And I listened to the secret sound of the rain, sort of comforting, but sort of a little scary too, with the wind moving the branches outside. And I realized that I need to buy some non-scented pillar candles. Those last the longest and look the coolest, but if you have a couple lit and they are different scents, it gets a little overwhelming. I considered doing a tarot reading because it'd be cool and atmospheric. And then I realized that the light on the Tivo was on, so I didn't have to wonder what people used to do at night before there was electricity. I could turn on all my electric time-wasting devices. Woo hoo!

Red, red wine

Ok, it's official. I can no longer drink red wine. Ok, at least not in quantities >2 glasses. More than that seems to make me sick. Literally. It's now been enough times that I no longer think that it's merely quantity (although in at least 2 of the recent cases, that had definitely been what sent me over the edge). It sucks. I now have enough bottles of red wine in my "cellar" that this sucks (at least in terms of money invested to what I will get out of it). C'est la vie - it's only money, right?

Thoughts for the new year

Things to think about for the new year... courage - to do new things, meet new people, go new places, broaden those stupid horizons. I think another thing is to find a way to let people in. I've been practicing, but I'm still not very good. Oh, and getting happy for other people about things that you're still wishing for for yourself. I can feel happy for them (mostly). But I'm still not good about letting go of the resentment that I dont' have X for myself. Making the leap - maybe it's time to actually make the leap and say that if I'm not happy I need to make a radical leap and do something new and different? Go to another country? Try a profession I've never attempted before? Be a person I've never been before? (No, I don't mean a pink-wearing, happy all the time, Pollyanna - I mean me, in a new, different, amped up way.)

Stuff

Got some stuff for xmas. Not sure how I feel about it. To my friends who got me stuff from my amazon list (or from an actual shopping trip together) - thanks so much. But what do you do when you got stuff from people who should know better (is pink meant to be ironic?), or who didn't get you anything at all and think you're ok with that (do you tell them otherwise???) I'm kinda glad xmas was anticlimactic. (Wow, how often do you say that you want anything without climax???) Is it bad if my favorite things this year were the things I bought myself? Nah, fuck it. I think one of my resolutions for the new year is not to apologize for things I really think or feel - regardless of how it makes other people feel. (Fuck them, they don't care how I feel, so why should I spend so much effort worrying about how they feel?) (*** By the way - blogging while drunk... probably bad...)

Hmmm...

Hmmm... - so what do you do when you know you're at a crossroads? Your choices are to keep making the same stupid decisions you always make, or to be a grown up and choose to do something new, different, and grown up... Regarding work, or you, or family, etc. Of course the advice you give to friends is - don't do the stupid thing, the thing that will cause you pain, that will cause you to rethink things unncessarily. But why does the heart win in such negotiations? And why is it that what the heart wants leads to pain?

Whew...

...made it through Christmas with only about 5 minutes of "I hate the holidays". Now if I can make it thru New Year's, I'm home free. I got some nice stuff for Christmas (thanks to everyone for the respective cool things you got me). I got a call from my mom from the Philippines, so that was nice. I made beef stew, so I have food for days, as well as the fact that I have other food that will need to be cooked. (I'm considering having people who are in town over for movies/munchies, but I'm not so sure about that... we'll see how it goes.)

The bad news is minimal. I got sick last night. I think it's red wine. I'm no longer drinking wine, and especially red wine, as the last 3 or 4 times I've had it in quantities over 2 glasses, I've gotten sick. (And granted that some of the other times involved quantities WELL over 2 glasses...) Now granted, this was only 3 glasses, but given how heinous it is to vomit, I think I'll just have to give up on my love of red wine. If it's permanent, then someone (or maybe many - I may spread it around) will inherit my wine "cellar" (ok, closet). Also, my bathroom sink is clogged up - even with the use of Liquid Plumber. I'll try Drano tomorrow, and if that doesn't work, then I'll have to call the real plumber. That sucks. A friend bailed on me today. That wasn't so bad (he's kinda flaky), but that did lead to my 5 minutes of feeling sorry for myself.

Girls rock

I think girls rock. They rock in many ways, not the least of which being that they know what you need - sometimes before you know you need it. And they get excited about the same stuff I get excited about - like hanging with friends, doing stuff for the holidays (like making lumpia), chocolate, shopping, etc. I was going to go on a feminist rant (or something) after reading Meta's blog, but then I dorked around with the pretty girly colors for so long that I got too tired to think about it until I can come up with something actually interesting to say. But I kinda liked the things on misbehaving.net in the sense of what would I tell people younger than me so they don't have to struggle through the same crap that I did. Or maybe in the hope that they already know this stuff even though I'm just learning it. I'll have to devote a blog to that stuff (both in a feminist sense, in a job and feminist sense, and just in a general people sense.)

Damn you, Meta!

Don't you hate it when you just pop into your friends' blogs for a quick look, and have to go away thinking and all??? I hate it when that happens.

Anyway, here is a link MarriagePoll.com to a poll on gay marriage. I responded, mostly because I did have an opinion. I'm putting it here, because I think that if you have an opinion, you should do it too. If you don't, that's certainly up to you, and I'll never know, so that's cool.

Colorful - I finally got around to changing the colors on my blog. I still can't find one reference to a color I hate, but I'll look at it again later.

Follower - I can't help it... My Bloginality is ENFJ!!!".

LOTR - RotK

Fabulous. Elfen nugget. Kingly nugget. Lots of battles. Tying up of loose ends. (Don't worry, no spoilers.) It was worth the lack of sleep. I think... Kingly nugget would look a lot better if he'd carry around a little bit of shampoo with him. Then again, Legolas might murder him in his sleep if the kingly nugget had better hair.

Casting couch - I saw a thread somewhere about who you would cast in LOTR if you were in charge of casting. Given that they found at least 2 really hot actors that I hadn't really known about before, I think they did ok. But if I were in charge of casting, I think I'd have cast every hot male masterbatory fantasy guy I could think of. Brad Pitt as Legolas, George Clooney as Arwen's dad (no, I'm not taking the time to look up his name, but he was in the Matrix movies too - isn't that just hogging all the blockbuster trilogies to yourself???), Jake Gyllenhall as Frodo, Sean Connery as Gandalf (if it has to be someone with an older-guy sort of hotness). Harrison Ford as Theoden? Jack Nicholson (no, not for hotness) for sheer insane genius as Denethor (or maybe Christopher Walken?) Russell Crowe as Boromir. I'm sure there are hot guys I'm leaving out. Must ponder this more...

Pack rats - thank goodness some people are worse pack rats than me! I was complaining to my friend that got me hired that my hard drive had eaten my resume (is that an excuse I tried to use in school for not doing my homework? nah, I did my homework). I further complained that when you've worked somewhere for 6 years, the dates and specifics about previous jobs get a little muddled. He mentioned that he had the file somewhere. And he did. And he sent it to me. All hail hi_dude!!! Just another in the long line of instances where you have saved my ass....

You are Kendra

You are

Kendra

You are not geek at all. On a scale of geekdom,
you are right at the bottom of the pile allong
with all the jocks and popular cheerleader
types. You most probably eat geeks for dinner
and use their bones for toothpicks.

How much of a geek are you?
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Bad hair?

Does this mean I have bad hair? You guys would tell me, right?

Congratulations! You're Merry!


Which Lord of the Rings character and personality problem are you?
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Empathy

Ok, now I feel for Meta. I am revamping my resume. It sucks. Both the resume, and having to redo it. I'm a lazy bitch, and haven't redone my resume in years. Mostly because my dead hard drive ate the last resume I had. And then because inertia set in and I never needed a resume for the other jobs I got (since I just moved within the company). I hate having to think this much about things I'd rather just know are out there somewhere (like an objective, specific job search criteria, my positive and negative qualities, how I'd sell myself once I figure out a job I want to go after, etc, etc...). I end up having to do a bit every night. And that feels like too much, but at the same time it moves forward only glacially.

Maybe if I make an appointment with someone for early next week that will be enough impetus for me to actually write something decent (ok, marketable)? It would actually be easier if I knew what things people are working on so that I could tell them how I'd be an asset to their organization. Instead I have to take a square hole and figure out how to fit my trapezoidal self into it. Yeesh.

Ok, I'm done bitching (for the moment). My little resume is nowhere near as stressful as Meta's SoP. When did I get this lazy????

Synchronicity

Isn't it funny how things sort of come together sometimes? Thursday and Friday were psychic days. I had been thinking of my friend Tracy the day before, and left her a message to start the networking thing. I was in my office in the morning wondering what her day was like and when she and I might be able to get together to talk, and then she called me. We had lunch, and that was cool. I had been thinking about my friend Susan a couple of days in a row too - that we should set up plans to get together, but because of the holidays that might be a pain, etc. Not 5 minutes after I thought of that she called me. We set up a thing and a day to do it. Then I thought that Christmas is sorta covered, and I wondered what was coming up for New Year's (I hadn't heard of any parties yet, and that seemed a bit strange). About 1/2 hour later I got an evite from a friend for a party. And (this isn't psychic, this is synchronicity) around the same timeframe another set of female friends and I figured out that we want to do a girls' chocolate night. (Mmmm.... chocolate....) Is there a word for serendipity and synchronicity coming together?

Networking

Since I'm putting out feelers at work and networking and looking for other job possibilities, I'm finding out lots of stuff. First, I'm finding that the more talking to people I do, the more I'm clarifying what I do/do not want in a job. And clarifying what I think I'm good at and what I feel confident about myself enough to use to sell someone on why they should hire me. It's also a great way to figure out where any possible pitfalls are so I can avoid them. (For instance, if there's an interview in which I'm asked about my positive/negative qualities and I have to make it up off the top of my head, I can't mitigate the negative qualities as well as when I've thought the concept through a bit.)

It's kind of interesting (now that I think about it) that the first people I reached out to network with were women. Not necessarily women that I work directly with, or that I particularly have a working relationship with. I think part of it is that while I'm still clarifying what I want/need/think I want to do I want a safe place to do all of that. I can explain that to a woman and I think a woman will understand that and not invade that space in a bad way (i.e. will take that information, let it percolate, figure out if there's any stuff I hadn't thought of that I should, etc.). Women are better for brainstorming with when you don't have to fix a thing right now, but want some ideas to work with. I think guys want to jump in and fix, or they want something concrete to hang their hats on (i.e. a specific job title you're looking for or a specific type of work that already exists in the company). Since I don't have anything concrete in mind right now, that's a bit tough for me to start networking with the guys.

What I really want is to find out what's going on in the company, and for me to design my own job within it. I know a lot of people would think I'm nuts for even thinking I could do that, but why not? I have a lot of creativity, energy and vision, as well as specific job-related skills to back that up (tons of project and program management experience, experience with all kinds of levels/types of people and departments across the company, great communication skills, etc.). What I don't know is what's specifically going on that I could bring that energy, creativity, etc. to. So that's what I'm going off in the next week or 2 to find out.

Oh, and in networking with these women, I'm reminded (again - as if I need reminding) that women are cool. We rock! It's cool to talk to another woman who's been through the same struggles and has some insight. Maybe I can either avoid the problems they've gone through, or learn how to do it better myself the next time. Then I feel an obligation to pass on that experience and help others when I can.

Work and politics

I was reading a book "Play Like a Man, Win Like a Woman", and thinking about politics and gender in the workplace. (This is not going to be a review of the book, but more of a brain dump of stuff I thought of as a result of the book.) And that people at my company often say "I don't play politics". The more I think about that, the more I think that the people who say that are either outright liars, or naive boobs who aren't going to get anything done.

Now, that sounds rather harsh. And maybe it is. But maybe it also comes from the idea that you can't get things done in the real world of business without playing politics. You either do it and don't realize it, or you do it and hate yourself for it (i.e the yes-man or person who sucks up to everyone), or do it and embrace it and make it yours. I'm trying to take the last road. I think it's important to put my own stamp on the way things work, and that my way of doing things is to take things for what they are (the workplace is political), and to change the way I do things to best take advantage of that fact.

I think it's expected that women read people's emotions better than men do. So is it a negative to use that trait/quality (whatever it should be called) to your advantage? If you know that you need something from Joe and that his style is X, is it manipulative to do things in X style so that you get what you need from him? (For the record, I'm not talking about using your sexuality or your attractiveness to get ahead, I'm talking about using emotions or a personal way of approaching things.) Who says manipulation (in that context) is bad? Is it only if one person is a winner and one a loser that it's bad? And if that's true, then if both people walk out of the encounter getting what they want/need (or at least not feelign taken advantage of), is the manipulation "bad"?

Why is the word politics so fraught? Its negative connotations are interesting to note. I suppose that to me politics means playing along with, or into or against people's natural reactions and ways of doing things. That sounds like manipulation, and maybe it is. But is it wrong or bad to manipulate if that's what it takes to win? There is not (usually) in men's minds a negative associated with winning, so why is it bad to do whatever it takes to win (or at least get ahead)?

I guess I'm just thinking that if I'm to succeed as a woman in a man's world, I need to know how the game is played (the central idea of the book). Then I need to choose how to interact in that world - either by fitting in to the men's ideas of how things work, or by manipulating that world with my style, my way of thinking and my way of acting. I think in general a mix of both is good. I've finally gotten to the point that I realize that if my emotionality is off-putting to some people, that it's their deal and not mine, and I am not changing that about myself. That said, it's still not appropriate to cry, or to have a PMS day and take it out on whoever is closest at work. I guess another thing to try is to get into the man's world and take it on my own terms, and then change it and set the stage for other women to follow behind me.

Job angst

Ok, so I thought that because I'm obsessing about it in my real life that my online life was also reflecting my job angst. But it does not. At least not in ratio of amount of job angst to amount of blog space. This is probably generally a good thing - as the day to day turns of events are rather boring.

But in the interest of completeness, here's what's been going on... .

Essentially the things that I was doing that were fun, interesting, made me feel like I made a difference and that got me recognition are being taken away from me. Not because of malign intent, but rather because the gap that I was filling is now filled in the way it should have been all along (well, time will tell on that one). So I'm left with the stuff that was fine when I didn't get to do this other stuff that turned out to be fun. It's mostly sort of number crunching, data gathering/analysis, reporting, etc. And while that's all stuff that will keep a paycheck coming in, there's nothing about that that will keep me from calling in sick at the slightest hint of a thought of a tickle at the back of my throat. And I know myself well enough to know that if I'm not challenged (either by things I find for myself or by things others throw at me), I won't do a good job (I'll do all the things I'm supposed to, but won't go above and beyond, and won't do it enthusiastically and passionately). I don't want to just show up and take up space, so I'm trying to figure out what else I want to do. Or how to do things that will make me want to stay there. Or figure out things that don't involve this company, but do involve me enjoying work and also getting paid for it. So I've made a point of setting meetings with my internal contacts that might be able to help me either with a new role (now or at some point in the future). Any suggestions anyone has would be welcome...

Aha! moment

In surfing randomly around the web, and one thing leading to another in ways I couldn't guess when I started, I ran into a post that finally explains something about online dating that I could feel but not figure out how to put into words. Essentially it's the idea that in looking at people's profiles you already know the things you'd use in a "getting to know you" conversation. If you already know those things, how do you go to the next step of having a conversation without sounding like a stalker (by fixating on something in the profile that you have in common), or without sounding stupid in general.

World AIDS Day

Why didn't I know it was World AIDS Day until I got home today and watched Oprah? World AIDS Day - December 1st I think that's one of the problems - no one in the US really realizes the scale upon which this disaster is taking place in Africa or any developing country.

Ok, this is kind of stupid to admit, but I only knew about this because of Oprah. I can't believe that in a 1 hour show that I learned so much. Maybe by putting some of it here, someone else will learn something too. It's a tragedy of a size so immense that I can't get my mind around it. According to CNN -

According to estimates from UNAIDS, an umbrella group for five U.N. agencies, the World Bank and the World Health Organization, 34.3 million people in the world have AIDS -- 24.5 million of them in sub-Saharan Africa. Nearly 19 million have died from AIDS, 3.8 million of them children under the age of 15.

Among the other statistics:

5.4 million new AIDS infections in 1999, 4 million of them in Africa.
2.8 million dead of AIDS in 1999, 85 percent of them in Africa.
13.2 million children orphaned by AIDS, 12.1 million of them in sub-Saharan Africa.
Reduced life expectancy in sub-Saharan Africa from 59 years to 45 between 2005 and 2010, and in Zimbabwe from 61 to 33.
More than 500,000 babies infected in 1999 by their mothers -- most of them in sub-Saharan Africa.
Finally, this: The bubonic plague is reckoned to have killed about 30 million people in medieval Europe. The U.S. Census Bureau projects that AIDS deaths and the loss of future population from the deaths of women of child-bearing age means that by 2010, sub-Saharan Africa will have 71 million fewer people than it would otherwise.

This is such a waste. The hardest hit in this epidemic are women and children. Women are the ones dying of the disease, especially in poor countries, and their children are growing up orphaned. What's going to happen to those children?

"One of the most alarming speculations is that by the year 2010 there will be 40 million AIDS orphans in Africa, most of whom will have grown up with little or no social structure.

As much as humanitarianism, it is this vision of lawlessness and chaos and their potential to destabilize the global economy that has fueled worldwide concern."

There's more information available than I can digest easily. But the things that stick in my mind are that A) this is a preventable disease, B) people are dying of it or spreading it because the drugs are not available because no one is willing to pay for the drugs to get to where they need to go and to get distributed, C) that women are the hardest hit by this, D) that these are all people - normal people who got stuck with this lot in life simply because of where they were born, or because they were born women instead of men.

This stuff is rather old, but I guess if I wanted to join this fight, I'd want to try to get the drugs to people more cheaply and quickly. Many of the articles I found point to how the US drug companies are lobbying and fighting to keep African countries from making generic (or minimally cheaper) drugs available to their populations.