First, my apologies to folks for not blogging more regularly.I'm sorry to have not been entertaining you regularly, and I'll try to do better. (I may start a blog about the kitties - which may make me the crazy cat lady, or may just bring some needed doses of cute to my friends.) But on to the subject of today's blog entry...
I have been watching friends go through a situation that required an apology. The apology given was... um... less than satisfactory (some might say "lame" or "useless"). So I was thinking about what makes an apology "good". In that context I googled and found this article that explains how to apologize. It's a good article, and it got me thinking about some additional things about apologies. More in the extended...
The steps as outlined in the article are as follows:
1. Identify the behavior for which you will offer an apology.
2. Tell the other person what the wrong was you did to them or why you are apologizing when you offer your sincere apology.
3. Ask the other person how you can repair the rift caused by your behavior, or offer the other person a solution to the problem.
4. Make every effort to change the behavior that has caused the rift in the relationship.
These steps are great. There's nothing worse than an insincere apologyfor which the person is unsure about what they are apologizing about. Like if he/she says the words "I'm sorry", that's all that's required. Being on the receiving end of that kind of apology sucks. You don't feel acknowledged, like the person couldn't take the time to figure out why you were upset/hurt/frustrated/annoyed/wronged.
The first part can be the toughest. Often the reason you offended or hurt someone is not clear to you (or you likely wouldn't have done/said the offending thing). Putting yourself in the other person's shoes, without the clutter of your own side, your own excuses or blindspots can be difficult. But if the relationship is important to you, you have to do that. If you have to, enlist a friend, role-play it out with the other person taking your role so that you might be able to see the other side more clearly.
An important caveat to step 2: state the apology and nothing more. Do NOT offer excuses. Do not say anything that will dilute the apology in any way. That should not be your intent in the apology; the intent of the apology is about the other person, how you've wronged them, how you are sincerely sorry for whatver pain you have caused. Excuses or rationalizations have no place here. It's human nature to want to defend yourself, but if your'e sincere in your apology, merely fall on your sword. Your excuses are not the other person' problem, and you shouldn't further burden the person with those.
Trying to repair the rift or offer a solution to the issue can be difficult if you didn't realize what you had done "wrong" in the moment. However, with hindsight you may be able to pinpoint where things went wrong and make the more appropriate choice the next time. If you can identify that and communicate it to the other person so they know your thought process, and your sincere effort to try to fix the problem. Actually, I think I keep trying to go to the last step in this blog post, because now that I think about it more, offering a solution (as outlined in the link) is more about offering money for dry cleaning costs if you spilled on someone, or paying to fix damage to a car if you dinged someone's car, etc.
The last step can be difficult too, but making a sincere effort to STOP doing whatever cause the apology to be necessary is the most important part. In most cases I think the thing to do is acknowledge to yourself what you've done wrong, and make a sincere effort to change that behavior. That may not be overly helpful in the immediate term (i.e. both parties have to wait for a similar situation to arise), but this definitely presents an opportunity for personal growth. It can be difficult to recognize similar situations to make sure you do the right things, or it's easy to fall back on the excuses/rationalizations that caused the situation in the first place, but if you are in being truthful in not wanting to further injure the other party, you have to take the time and/or do the observation of your behavior and motivations.
Food for thought...
Possible future blog post topics: riffing on "things I know for sure" (or what I'd tell a younger friend or child about what I've learned in the world) ; romance for the romantically-challenged, meditations on relationships (friendships, romances, family relationships, etc.) and lots more. (Yes, I'm mostly putting them here so I remember them, not so much to build anticipation that I'll actually get around to writing more...)
Posted by cshell at May 1, 2008 01:12 PM