Unless you want into my head for some random stuff that's been rattling around, don't read the extended...
Work rants - Ok, rant isn't quite right. More like observations. A) It sucks to be back after having 4 weeks off. This is not a surprise. What is a surprise is how quickly it set in how much work sucks. I've only been back 1.5 weeks and already hate going to work every day to the point that I didn't go in to work today. Which of course only makes things worse as I'll have that much more to do tomorrow. B) I'm looking internally for a job, but I don't have high hopes that I'll be allowed to move (a specific upper manager will actively block it if it's within this person's power). C) Which means that I'll be looking externally for a job as well as internally. Which means this is an opportunity to change what I do - which is both exciting and scary. This doesn't mean I HAVE to revamp what I do, but it's fun to think that I COULD do something different and more fulfilling. My, what large vistas are open in front of me... D) Is it wrong to surf for jobs while at my current job? I also suppose that means I'll have to revamp my resume again... woo hooooo....
Halloween - Ok, so what's the fascination with Halloween anyway? There are a gazillion things going on in the bay area for Halloween - corn mazes, stuff at Great America, flashlight tours at the Winchester Mystery House, haunted houses like Gyro's, the Exotic Erotic ball, and of course house parties.
Is it the opportunity to scare ourselves silly that we like about Halloween? Is it the opportunity to dress up, to let down our guards in a way, to play at being someone else? Is it the opportunity to show our creativity in our costumes? Is it something that harks back to the need to dress up scary to scare away the demons out in the world?
It's interesting that as a kid I used to love scary stuff - scary movies, scary books (I read ALL of the early Stephen King), and liked doing jumps on my little pink girly bike with the pink streamers on the handlebars. Nowadays I feel like all I do is find reasons to avoid adrenaline - because I feel like I live much of my life scared. Who wants to add any more fear or adrenaline to a life that gives you plenty of that every day? Fear of little things like the wasps that are still somehow managing to get into my house, fear of the big things like am I ready to make a change from a place that I"ve worked for 8 years, the adrenaline rush of almost hitting the car in front of you that braked really hard, fear of relationships, fear of the lack of relationships, fear that I won't be able to figure out an interesting (and cheap) Halloween costume, etc. I wonder if it means anything if I'm starting to branch back (however slowly) into stuff that scares me?
Vulnerability - Interesting that what I find attractive in other people is so hard to do myself. Not that I'm not vulnerable, just that I hate it when I am in that position. So if you know that it can be attractive in someone else to be open, vulnerable and honest, why is it so hard to let down your guard and do that with another person? Duh, because you fear getting hurt.
I guess what made me think of it was being sick while I was gone. I had to rely on other people to help me, and had to actively ask for help. I hate being in that position - of needing help, needing to ask. But at the same time, it was great to do it because it showed me that people willingly step up and help you. And it wasn't as hard as I might have thought it would be (probably because if I'd been feeling "normal", I wouldn't have had to ask). But in being sick, I was vulnerable and probably much more open than I would normally have been (i.e. I didn't have any reserves of energy from which to put up my normal walls and masks). And in a way, that was good - it reminds me that I can trust other people if I'd try it occasionally.
Vacation letdown - I love going on my bi-yearly trips to Europe. I had a good time, but it's hard to put into words. I always come back and feel like I should have these great stories to tell. I only sort of do. Most of the things that I enjoyed or saw I have trouble putting into words. I 've had conversations with bunches of different people about my trip, but the most animated conversation I had about the trip was with someone else who had interesting stories to tell about some of her trips. I'm so bummed because I want to find ways to tell people what things that I saw meant to me, but I feel like all I end up doing is alienating people - either because they end up hearing my stories over and over, or because they can't relate because they've not had the opportunities to travel, or maybe because I don't actually have anything interesting to say. Maybe it's that I don't feel like my stories hold up to being on stage (so to speak - with me holding forth while others listen) while when it's a real conversation with back and forth, I feel like I then have interesting things to say as I'll be more sure that the stories are relevant to something.
Oh, and I'm actually glad to not show my photos to people - turns out that posting them online so folks could look at them at their leisure (or if they want to) was a good idea. While I would like to explain some of my photos, or to see if any of them resonate with other people, the actual showing of them and explaining of them is a letdown. Ok, maybe it wouldn't be that way with everyone (I'm basing this on showing and explaining my photos to one person). But it was a disappointing enough experience to make me not want to repeat it. I think that the disappointment was due to the other person not being at all as interested in the photos as I was (which makes sense as the person wasn't there to experience it). But also I hadn't realized I was excited to share it, and then it was not fun to do it, so now I don't want to do it anymore. Which is a bit of a shame.