I was looking at my blog page showing the calendar of when I post. Apparently it's pretty much a sure thing that I'll post on a Sunday, moderately sure on a Monday, and kinda spotty for the rest of the week. Dunno what that means, merely an observation.
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Is is goofy to get giddy about stuff? I was jumping up and down and clapping and generally making an ass of myself (as much as I was capable of) today about getting my VIP pass to the DMB concert in Golden Gate Park. I'm sooooo excited!!! Can't wait to go, it'll be fun. Dave concerts are always fun, and it'll be nice to be out and about, and I'm looking forward to spending time with my friend that I'll be going with. All in all, should be a great day. It would have been perfect if I actually felt as good physically as I did mentally/emotionally about getting the pass.
Have I mentioned my paranoid delusion that I'm on the verge of a physical breakdown? I feel like crap, have done for days now. I have a canker sore under my tongue that I think has infected one of my salivary glands (one side is all swollen and an angry red), my glands are swollen and I have a sore throat. I think the only thing holding my together physically at this point is sheer willpower - I don't have time to get sick. But as soon as I do, I'm going to get good and damned sick. (Like when I got bronchitis and when I got shingles if you think I'm merely being dramatic.) How long before I can get sick? Probably another month, at which point I hope that both personally and professionally things will be at a point where I can bow out for a few days straight, so I can take myself away where no one knows where I am so I can sleep, recoup my strength and generally get the fuck outta dodge.
Now... knowing that this physical collapse is imminent, am I doing anything different to try to ward it off? Yes, I'm trying to marshal the troops, trying to make sure that I take good care of myself (eating actual vegetables and fruits, getting enough rest, drinking enough water, asking for help when I need it - ok, that one needs work). But I think it's a bit of too little too late. If I could get rid of the stress, I'd have done so already (and continue every day to try to let the little stuff roll off like water off a duck's back). So the best I can do is do the best I can and ward off the collapse until a point where I can actually deal with it. Wish me luck.
I just realized that I've been compartmentalizing again. I only share certain parts of myself with certain people. Not very many people get to see me being cranky and tired and run down and sad and how I really am. To the degree that I've been generally happier lately, that's not a bad thing (i.e. I"m being the sad cranky person less often.) For most people I put on the happy face (or at least the "I'm trying to be happy" face). And I realized that when a friend shared one of those cranky times, that that let me into their world a little bit, made me feel closer to the person (whether they really intended that or not). And I realized that I don't let that happen very often. Not because it would hurt me to do so I don't think. But because I don't want to lean on anyone. The only person I can ever count on being there is me, so if I get used to leaning on someone and then the person isn't there, then I'll fall. Would it kill me to fall? Probably not. I wouldn't let myself lean on someone if I were near a precipice, right? So if I'm nowhere near a precipice, why can't I lean on someone? I think mostly because I don't know how anymore - how do you let someone in when you've built all the walls to keep people out? Could it also be that while I'm thinking that letting a person see the tired/cranky/real part of me would drive them away, that what it would really do is let them in? Because if I thought it would drive them away, then does it matter if I'm these negative things in front of other people? Or is it scary to be negative in front of people because it makes me real and (whether I want to or not) it lets them see me?
I guess that makes me wonder what things about me that other people find to love? In what ways do I get into their hearts? I think of the ways that other people have gotten into my heart, and it's by being real and human and vulnerable - when they let me in to see who they are without the veneers. But can you let people in in a studied, calculated way, or do they find what they love about you by what you *didn't* intend to share but somehow did? Hm... stuff to ponder.
I'm off to sleep - why do I keep scheduling these damned early morning meetings? Doh!
Posted by cshell at August 31, 2004 10:17 PM