I was wandering through various blogs and links today and pondering that I don't end up writing more about work. In looking at misbehaving.net I realized that while I qualify as a woman working in technology and blogging, not much of that voice, of that part of my life really makes it into my blog. And I started wondering why? (more...)
I think part of it is that when I'm on my own time I don't really want to think about work anymore unless it's to work through a problem. I find myself a lot happier if I don't rehash the whole day in my head when I get home - if I just go home and lose myself in TV or music or blogging or blog reading or hanging with friends or whatever. It feels like to talk about my work outside of work gives it that much more of my time and energy that should be mine and not belong to work.
At least partially I don't usually talk much about technology because I feel like a bit of a fraud doing so. I'm moderately technical - I can hold my own at work, and end up being the person who takes a technical thing and either puts it in customer-speak (makes it more easily understandable/digestible for the customer), or I'm the person who translates from engineering to the CS folks who have to do something with the information. But I feel like a fraud in speaking about technology stuff because all my friends are such hard core geeks that I don't want to sound silly or ignorant by talking about things I either don't fully understand or don't care to take the time to understand. And I think that in general I don't have that much of an opinion (outside of work) about technical stuff so I'm happy to let other people blog about that if it's interesting to them. I'd rather blog about the things that go on in my head that are not about work I suppose.
Probably another reason I don't talk about the technological work I do is a weird sense of not wanting to give away any of my company's secrets. Nothing in my blog identifies specifically where I work (which I do try to guard out of general paranoia), and the people who read the blog all know where I work, so it wouldn't be letting any cats out the bag, but it makes me skittish nevertheless. At least partially I think this sense of protecting the company also comes from the fact that much of what I do on a daily basis is to decide who gets how much information - knowing that the information will make its way into the wrong hands, how do I mitigate damage.
At least partially I'm not interested much in talking about technology as such in my blog because while there a coolness and an interest factor to me about technological tools (mp3 players, PDAs, latest phones, computers, etc.) I don't get excited about the tools because they are just tools. To me a PDA or computer, while fun and interesting for a while, are just tools that will hold (at some point after the newness wears off) the same amount of fascination for me as a wrench or a hammer. I'm interested in what I can do with the tools or how the tools make me feel, but not usually so much about the tool itself. So my iPod is cool to me because it's cute, because I like what it lets me do (take all of my music with me instead so I can listen to whatever I think of, instead of what I thought to bring with me) and because there's a prestige factor of having one. But I give it about as much thought as my pen or my cell phone because while they are the right tools for their jobs, they are just tools.
Being a woman I do find that what turns me on to talk about are feelings. So if a technology makes me feel a specific way, or allows me to connect (ideas, people, whatever) in a new way, then that would be something for me to talk about. But talking about the technical specifications of how fast a machine is or how much memory it has doesn't hold my interest so much as telling me that I'll be able to do things faster or will be able to play better games or whatever (i.e. don't sell me on the merits of the hammer, sell me on the merits of what I can build with it).
I guess another reason I don't blog much about work is that I get tired sometimes of being the only woman in most of the meetings I'm in (and/or the only technical one if there are other women) and feeling like somehow I have to hold up the banner of feminism when all I want is to get along and not be different anymore. I know, I know, being a woman is great, there are many advantages (not the least of which to me is that it's both a blessing and a curse that I have to work harder than my male counterparts at many things), etc., but sometimes when I admit non politically correct feelings I have to admit that I'm tired of being the only one.
I do enjoy being different and unique sometimes. But I get tired of having to bang my head into the wall of different communication styles every, of having any emotionality used against me (even if men in the same meeting get equally passionate about the topic), of feeling like they've made the glass ceiling out of bulletproof glass that I can't shatter, that I've walked into a good old boys network where they'll all pat me on the head and humor me until I walk out of the room so they can get the real work done. (Whew... didn't mean to go on a rant.)
I guess I wish I didn't have to even mention that it's different for me than for my male counterparts. I wish it wasn't that way at all (that men's and women's styles would be equally valued). I wish that I didn't notice the differences and that it didn't bug me, but it does. Most of the time it's just part of the deal (if you want to get paid the rates that tech people get you also get the "bad" stuff too) and it doesn't bother me. But sometimes it wears me down - having to prove myself constantly when some of my male counterparts get by on marginal work, minimal effort and some glad-handing, back-slapping, bullshitting with the guys crap. And maybe I don't talk about it because to talk about it gives it life that it doesn't have if I pretend it's not there. Plus I think there's some unwritten rule that you don't look a gift horse in the mouth - that if you have it good (because I have to admit that I have a pretty kick-ass life) you shouldn't bite the hand that feeds you, you don't backstab your host, (what other lame cliches can I use?), etc.
So the conclusion out of all of this? There really isn't one other than the fact that there's no compelling reason for me to blog about tech stuff. And that apparently it took me that many words to validate that.
Posted by cshell at August 12, 2004 10:00 PM