As a sabbaticals should be a time off for rest and/or reflection, I used this time for reflection. I came up with the following:
Why did I do this? Essentially I had a temper tantrum. There was too much going on in my head/heart, and I let too much of it spill into my blog, where I got commentary on it because my entries were not well thought out (being bascially "thinking out loud" sessions rather than actual essays or remarks ready for criticism), or even fully formed. The commentary was not inappropriate, it was merely that I wasn't actually ready to talk about it in this forum until I had thought things through a little bit more, but didn't get that chance because I posted the info before I'd really thought it all through. So, like a kid I stormed off with my ball because I could. It was childish, but it was how I felt, and has given me a good break to do some thinking.
What have I been thinking about? (see extended entry)
what the blog is - a place for me to write about whatever I want to write about. Given that it's mine, then any consequences of what I write about are also mine (good, bad or indifferent). So if the consequences are mine, then I should choose more carefully what I am willing to stand up for, what I allow dialog on, or what I reveal (or don't) about what's going on in my head/heart/world. It can be used for fiction (but will be labeled as such), or introspection that I'm willing to let people into (i.e. stuff I would tell my friends in regular conversation), or for cataloging what's going on in my world - whether it's of interest to others or not, and it's a place for me to make a connection to other people, through dialog (and sometimes monologue).
what the blog isn't - a place for me to put up masks - it should be a place that I can express my opinions, even the unpopular ones, but that also means I'll get comments (or spam). If it's not something I'm ready to have commented on, then I shouldn't post it publicly, or I should turn off comments, or I should plainly label that this is "thinking out loud" and not ready for prime time. It has also come to be a place where I let out some of the "negative" things that go on in my head - pissy thoughts, depressings observances, angry criticisms, rueful self-disclosures, etc. Letting that stuff out here is (or was) safe. I can make it safe again by taking ownership of what I say (even if it's taken out of context, misinterpreted, etc.), and by realizing that if I don't let that stuff out here, then it's coming out somewhere in my "real" life, with consequences that I'm not willing to entertain. So here is where that stuff will live (those who don't like it can skip it, not read it, etc.)
I've spent much of my life trying to be well-liked - at the expense of what I really wanted, needed, had to say. The blog was becoming a place where I could let down some of those masks and really be closer to who I am on the inside all the time, instead of the person behind the masks, and the real person who sometimes snuck through by accident or serendipity. And then I let out too much, stuff that was too close to the real heart of who I am, and that invited commentary that I wasn't ready for.
And the real reason for the anger and the tantrum was that I wasn't ready or willing to be pushed back into the closet, or to put the masks back on when they weren't fitting any more. So fuck it. People who disagree can say that. People who don't like what I have to say, or who don't like me for saying what I have to say can fuck off, or go to hell, or have a wonderful life, whatever. It's not going to stop me from saying exactly what I want - whether it's worthy of reading or not.
Now... with all of that said... it doesn't mean I'm not interested in your thoughts, comments, etc. I do have to get a thicker skin, and learn to stop taking things so personally (no matter how much I want it to be true, the world still does not revolve around me). I also need to preface some of my commentary to others that YMMV, IMHO, etc, etc. so that they know that what I'm saying is about my experience of the world, and is different than theirs, and everyone is entitled to their opinions (opinions being like assholes in that everyone has one). So don't give up on me - call me on my shit, and I promise that if my feelings are hurt or I'm angry or whatever, I'll talk to you about it directly (like a grown up). And then we can all go back to our regular blogging lives.
Posted by cshell at April 21, 2004 03:21 PM