I was bored and surfing around on dating web sites of various sorts today. And it occurred to me that everyone says they're honest/straightforward/not into games. But are they really?
Don't games and being circuitous and not being 100% honest all the time serve a purpose in dating? See extended entry...
We don't want to scare off the other person by being completely authentic up front, right? I mean, we all are on best behavior when we first meet someone - we don't swear (or keep it minimal), we are more polite, observant, etc. than usual, we dress up, etc. We don't spill all of our dirty secrets, bad habits, bad manners, etc. This both keeps the other person from running away screaming, and also to gives the other person a chance to get to know us in the best ways that we can be - there's plenty of time to degenerate back to your normal bitchy, angry, whiny, needy, etc. self if the initial dates go well.
But doesn't that set you up for failure in some manner down the road? If you're not completely authentic up front, the person will find out all your flaws at some point anyway, so why not be exactly who you are all the time, even at the beginning of a relationship? The problem is that the polite behaviors provide a crutch - you know how you're supposed to behave (or not behave) in a dating situation. The crutch can certainly help you along, but ultimately it weakens you as well - you come to rely on it and let your authenticity skills atrophy.
I think the other problem with being authentic in a dating situation is that it's scary. What if the other person doesn't like approve of some aspect of me? We all want to be liked/appreciated/approved of - maybe if feels like a small sacrifice to not be myself at 10 if people like me at 7 on the scale. Obviously this isn't something that you can maintain long term - it's exhausting to rein yourself in all the time or to put up a facade and remember what it is and how you've perpetuated it in the past.
[Note - I hate it when something hijacks my browser window, causing me to lose work in progress - mostly because it was a good point and now I can't remember it to recreate it. Fuck.]
Is being inauthentic ultimately being dishonest? I don't think anyone is inauthentic out of a desire to be dishonest - you're just trying to put your best foot forward. But is there a way to put your best foot forward and still be wholly who you are? And if you're not wholly who you are at the beginning of the relationship - at what point do you get to that place? And will the other person feel defrauded (this wasn't the person I thought I was involved with)?
I don't intend to be less than authentic in my relationships, especially dating relationships. I think that sometimes it just happens that I'm so busy being worried about someone liking me, and trying to be what I imagine that person will like, that I forget that I'm perfectly likable the way I am. I know better (intellectually at least) than to try to hide who I really am (it just leaks out in other ways anyway), but old habits die hard. Certainly I don't want to put up barriers to intimacy, but while in general my first response to things is to be upfront/honest about it, confront it right away, etc., my reaction when I'm scared/unsure of the outcome is to avoid the issue, not say what I really mean, not ask for what I really want. While I'm not trying to be inauthentic and hide the "bad" parts of myself, I also understand that I can be rather intense at times and that maybe that intensity is best focused in a constructive manner (i.e. anger isn't bad in and of itself, but how you express it can be bad).
Besides, at certain points in relationships (i.e. early on when you're not sure how the person feels about you, if this is a dating thing or a platonic friendship, when you're not sure if it's exclusive, etc, etc.), it's not appropriate to say/do certain things. I mean, do you just ask the other person the things you're really thinking (is this too much/too little, what do you think, did I just fuck up, is this a date, was that you or me, are we done yet, when will we get together again, etc. ad nauseum)? That sounds like what people mean when they say they don't play games, but we all know that that's not how it really works.
(The thing I love about blog entries as opposed to published articles is that you can leave off with no real point...)
Posted by cshell at April 7, 2004 09:16 PMyou know, a few years ago, a female friend of mine went into a bookstore and scoured dating advice for fun. we wanted to see what the "authorities" thought about dating. so we got the rules, and a few other books written for men and women on capturing the "other" sex.
advice ranged from being coy, to never accepting a date after wednesday to ending a phone call in 5 minutes. always talking about a mysterious "friend" when you're with the object of interesting. basically, make him want you and think that you're unavailable. others say that you have to always leave the house looking hot, wearing makeup, heels, finished hair. i mean, after reading a few of these books, it struck me as being kind of ridiculous.
the thing is, you only have yourself. if you present yourself as something that you aren't, the relationship is starting on a false premise. that is not to say that you show all your deeper and darker secrets out immediately. you have plenty of time to unveil what you are. we're all a complex summation of a million qualities and experiences that take time and trust to unfold.
i've thought about this because i'm somewhat of a paradox. i'm pretty goofy and silly, but also extremely intense, bookish, and emotional. i wonder if people who date me might think that i'm bipolar. and then i realize that someone who is right for me will understand my different facets of my personality when they decide to emerge without judging me. and if they can't, like the fat-comment man, well they can screw off. i don't need to waste my time with people who are too pea-brained to get it.
hope that helps.
Posted by: red chili pepper at April 8, 2004 11:45 AMI think when people say they want to be "honest" and "not play games", they're not saying they don't plan on behaving, and putting their best foot forwards, and controlling their impulses. We all do that, that's just part of being a functional grown-up. I mean, you restrain yourself at work, don't you? I public places? This isn't dishonest.
I interpret those statements as meaning they're not into those "Rules" girls that hang up after 5 minutes, always wear makeup, call >= 3 days after the first date, etc (I guess that's for guys since Rules girls don't call at all). That's not presenting yourself well, that's just bullshit. I suppose there are gray areas, but there are a lot of things that are obvious game-playing that some people will rightly not put up with.
Posted by: metamanda at April 9, 2004 01:46 AM