Thanks to Tonya for posting about your training. The stuff you posted is really interesting and thought provoking.
Having been in what I now consider an abusive relationship (although it only once crossed the line into violence that I recognized as unacceptable), I have many thoughts on the items from Tonya's training.
See extended entries if you actually want to read further...
Background: I was in a relationship with someone for 5.5 years. We were really in love. That didn't mean that we weren't abusive to each other. I just didn't realize it at the time because:
A) I was young and hadn't had any relationships such that I knew that they could be different,
B) there was only 1 instance of real violence that crossed the line (at which point I did threaten to leave), but we were actually pretty violent with each other (lots of slapping/punching on the shoulder/pinching/tickling to the point of pain, etc.),
C) I thought that abuse was only violence, not verbal/mental abuse
D) Verbal/mental abuse is so insidious that you don't necessarily realize it's happening
E) If you don't have good boundaries (and you don't if you're in the position to be abused), you probably don't know it
F) You're conditioned to obedience, not thinking for yourself in the face of authority, guilt, fear
For the sake of fairness, I have to point out that we abused each other. We pushed each others' buttons - I did it because I thought I was striking back at him, but I'm sure I initiated fights/issues too. Also for the sake of fairness, this is only my side of the story (he won't get a rebuttal), so take it on those grounds. Also - as much as we were bad to each other, he's still the basis for much of my template of man I'd like to be with (someone who makes me laugh all the time, someone affectionate, someone smart, someone who calls me on my shit, a guys' guy, great hands, passionate in every sense, etc.). We loved each other a lot, and had many good times together even though there were always issues between us. And I still have to respect him for putting up with as much shit as I gave him because god knows I'm not easy to live with.
The points that Tonya's training brought up are below in italics. My responses follow (specific to my situation).
1) No financial access.
2) No transportation.
9) They have no friends.
These were not issues for me. I had access to all of those things (that was the one boundary I did have - not letting someone control my friends), so I think they all helped keep me a bit more grounded. I didn't realize it in this way at the time, but seeing friends who were in similar or worse positions than me made me think through my options a bit.
3) Children.
Thank god I was smart enough not to have kids, especially with him. Given our boundary issues, those kids wouldn't have a shot in hell of being able to cope.
4) Guilt.
5) Culture and religion.
6) Family.
7) Fear.
I think these all go together. In my case the factors that piled onto one another were traditional upbringing (Filipino mom, old fashioned sense of values), Catholic upbringing (fear/guilt/obedience). However, the biggest barrier was being a girl - there are things you do and don't do as a "good girl" and in a perverse way my competitive urge drove me to be the best "good girl" at the expense of thinking for myself, having boundaries, my own rebellious nature, etc. Thank god getting older gives you space and distance to figure some of that stuff out. I'm still working through the rest.
8) It's normal.
Sad but true - if you've not lived with good boundaries, you don't know what they look like, how to set them, etc. I didn't know that all relationships weren't like mine. I mean, I could see that some people did things differently, but we were different (in good ways too) behind closed doors, so I thought that other people had similar issues.
10) They think it will get better.
This one is seductive - you think the other person will change. He'll realize that what he's doing or saying hurts you, or that this is a bad time but the good times are just around the corner. (Besides, who wants to be a "quitter" - even if it's for the right reasons.)
The beginning of the end came when I started getting better boundaries, trying to set a framework for acceptable ways for us to work out issues (no name calling, each person gets to say what they have to say without interruption, talk about the actual issue, not bringing up the past and throwing it in the person's face, etc, etc.). I remember that for new year's (we broke up in March) we were at a party and fighting (what else is new, right) and I knew that would be the last new year's we'd spend together. I was trying to change, and he didn't want me to (who can blame him, it'd been working for him just fine for years). I probably could have worked at it with him more (he offered to go to counseling together), but at that point I was done and ready to move on.
Posted by cshell at March 31, 2004 11:05 PM