What's the difference between a date and an appointment to do something with a friend of the opposite sex? I think maybe it's in intent - if both parties think it's a date, then it's a date. But what if only one party thinks it's a date? Then what?
Crushes - Crushes can be fun. Certainly it's fun to indulge them. And I think there are all kinds of crushes. I just wonder about how to define a crush (what's with me and needing definitions today?). I guess I think of it as finding someone interesting or desirable in some way - not necessarily sexual. I mean, I've had crushes on both sexes, so it's not necessarily about wanting to get into someone's pants - sometimes I'm really just attracted to some quality about the person and want to be around them to bask in that light.
I guess I think crushes are fun. I've had them while in a long term relationship, and rather than taking something away from the relationship, I think in some ways it added something to it. By being aware of another person, it also heightened my awareness of my partner. It enlivened my fantasy life which my partner got the benefit of. And crushes I think are necessary when you're single too - it reminds you that you may want to ever try dating again. It also sort of gives you a safe place to try out your flirting or "dating" interaction skills. Besides, who doesn't like to be around someone you have a crush on - you're more upbeat and happy.
Now of course the reason it's called a "crush" could be that you're crushed if you have unrealistic expectations (or the other party does). If you think you may end up dating the person and he/she doesn't think that, then it's bad. And if one or the other party is in a relationship and the crush is acted on in a sexual way, that's bad. But I don't necessarily rule out or try to quash a crush on someone in a relationship so long as I'm clear about not acting on it (i.e. being happy just to hang with the person). Maybe that's playing with fire, but what the hell, you only live once, right? I guess I also don't try to quash a crush on someone of the same sex - because I know I'll never act on that (other than maybe in my fantasies).
Sometimes it's quite clear - both parties know that the event is really just an opportunity to get together (i.e. lunch) versus a "date" with any intent of there being more to it. Sometimes it's also clear that it's a real "date" - either through the intent of both folks, or by the activities planned (dinner and a movie). But again, what if it's normal "date" stuff - like dinner and a movie - but neither party sees it as a date. Is the distinction all about whether there's an intent to have a kiss at the end of the "date"?
I got to thinking about this after lunch with an acquaintance the other day. He's single. I'm single. I suppose it wouldn't be unreasonable to think of it as a "date". But that's not how I saw it. I think of us a buddies/pals/folks who have lunch together occasionally. But I wonder if he thinks that *I* think it's something else. How do you bring this up without looking like a dork? Certainly if he was worried about it and I can set his mind at ease so he can just enjoy hanging out, that would be good. But if it means shutting a door to a real "date", I'm not sure that's a good thing. (Because - at least in my head - it could go in that direction.)
Ok, I'm not obsessing on this - just curious. This whole dating thing is a pain in the ass.
[More info - per the consensus at brunch today, it's only a date if both parties think it's a date, and if there's some sort of intent.]
Crushes - Crushes can be fun. Certainly it's fun to indulge them. And I think there are all kinds of crushes. I just wonder about how to define a crush (what's with me and needing definitions today?). I guess I think of it as finding someone interesting or desirable in some way - not necessarily sexual. I mean, I've had crushes on both sexes, so it's not necessarily about wanting to get into someone's pants - sometimes I'm really just attracted to some quality about the person and want to be around them to bask in that light.
I guess I think crushes are fun. I've had them while in a long term relationship, and rather than taking something away from the relationship, I think in some ways it added something to it. By being aware of another person, it also heightened my awareness of my partner. It enlivened my fantasy life which my partner got the benefit of. And crushes I think are necessary when you're single too - it reminds you that you may want to ever try dating again. It also sort of gives you a safe place to try out your flirting or "dating" interaction skills. Besides, who doesn't like to be around someone you have a crush on - you're more upbeat and happy.
Now of course the reason it's called a "crush" could be that you're crushed if you have unrealistic expectations (or the other party does). If you think you may end up dating the person and he/she doesn't think that, then it's bad. And if one or the other party is in a relationship and the crush is acted on in a sexual way, that's bad. But I don't necessarily rule out or try to quash a crush on someone in a relationship so long as I'm clear about not acting on it (i.e. being happy just to hang with the person). Maybe that's playing with fire, but what the hell, you only live once, right? I guess I also don't try to quash a crush on someone of the same sex - because I know I'll never act on that (other than maybe in my fantasies).
Posted by cshell at February 1, 2004 10:50 AM