November 24, 2003

Well-meaning comments

I love my friends. They are wonderful people (except for the ones who aren't, and they know who they are, and I love THEM because I'm not a particularly wonderful person either). However, well-meaning friends say things about singleness that make me want to rip skin off. Sometimes it's theirs, sometimes it's mine. So if you recognize yourself in any of these phrases, do not... I mean do NOT say them. To anyone. EVER.

The right one will come along... If your fucking crystal ball really worked, you wouldn't have time to be friends with me, you'd be rich off the stock market, the lottery, sports betting, etc. This is a condescending phrase. Yes, we know that you're trying to make us feel better... it's not working, so stop it.
...when you're not looking... Yeah, whatever... If I weren't looking, then we'd never make eye contact, know each other existed, etc.
...when you're ready... I'm ready NOW goddamnit.

...when you least expect it... I can't NOT expect it now that Prince Charming is so goddamned late.
You're so (fill in the blank)...
Pretty, smart, funny, ambitious, etc... Generally followed by:
...I don't understand why you haven't found someone already. Grrr... If this were understandable, I'd have the answer and have done whatever needed to be done to have someone.
...I understand why you'd hold out for just the right guy... No holding out here... just haven't found him.
Have you tried... followed by suggestions for things I've already thought of. And thought of. And thought of.
...the internet... Yay... humiliation via email, and the ability for the weirdo/loser/assholes to hide themselves that little bit longer before you find out what's really wrong with them. Besides, anyone who says it's worked for someone else is deluded. It's an urban myth. Just like the chocolate chip cookie recipe, like Bill Gates is going to give you money for using one of his products, like getting AIDS from infected needles in change slots of pay phones... Get over it...

...a dating service... Yes, because I wish to pay MONEY for the humilation, or boredom, or annoyance of meeting people.
...classes... Like golf, or cooking classes, or some activity where the opposite sex is assumed to hang out. It doesn't work that way... either they or you don't get up the nerve to actually talk to each other during class, and/or everyone bolts right away after class.
...asking friends if they know anyone... Let's dissect this one for a moment. There are many interesting angles here.

  1. If a friend sets you up and you hate the person, then the "setter-upper" is screwed and never wishes to help again, and the "set-up" person thinks "how could my friend thing I'd ever in a million years want to be in any manner associated with THAT".
  2. As the "setter upper" you may know why someone is single (is secretly a serial killer, has 18 cats, collects shot glasses), and may not wish to inflict those people on each other, but you can't explain that to either party.
  3. Both sides of the dating transaction may actually like each other. In which case the setter upper then has to listen to both sides of the relationship dissect all the minutiae of what did or didn't happen on any particular date/phone call/IM session, etc.
    ...lowering your standards... Some things must not be endured, for any reason. Like being ok with someone who intentionally hurts you - physically, mentally, emotionally - in any manner.

Posted by cshell at November 24, 2003 08:02 PM