November 24, 2003
Randomness
Randomness - Ok, it's been a gazillion years since I bothered to post anything... so here goes with some thoughts that have been percolating around my brain... (Sorry for the horrible colors - I was trying to "fix" and now I'm too tired to finish... I'll fix it later - as much for my own eyes as for yours...)
Work sucks. Now I know that this is a revelation to no one. Nor is it strictly always true. However, lately it's been more true than not, so rather than sit on my ass and bemoan how crappy things are, it's time to branch out and think about what would be better. And while lying on a beach sipping a mai tai or a hurricane, or traveling the world looking for the next cute cabana boy would be better, those aren't particularly well-paying occupations. I need to get creative about what I'm good at, what I enjoy, and what combines those things in a way that I could get paid for. Maybe I should take a year off and write the "Great American Novel" (snort).
Some more pondering on work - do you do the work that lights you up, that gives you fire, that makes you want to kick ass and take names, but also makes you crazy about other people's stupidity, and the fact that you can't really change things, and that your head is bloody again from being banged into the same wall with a different coat of paint on it? Or do you stay somewhere safe and quiet, doing good work that needs to be done, quietly in the corner, work that people won't recognize, but will get you a decent review; do you sit stultifying and atrophying and coasting, but you can look at your co-workers without wanting to smack them, and you can sleep at night? I've never been one for playing it safe (at least about work) - you have to step out on that limb if you're going to find the juiciest fruit. And there has to be somewhere in your life that you take chances (other than hopelessly stupid romances). But is this the right limb to step out on? If I sit back and coast, there's time and energy and room to explore some new things... this will take more ponderance.
Meditations on art - I saw the movie Frida over the weekend. (I also saw Elizabeth - Netflix is a great thing - more on the movie later.) It made me think about art, and how it has the power to wound as well as heal, and the power to transcend what the artist intended. This also goes along with a thought I had while watching a show on VH1 called True Spin about how there are different interpretations of songs (i.e. Billy Idol's White Wedding was about his sister getting married, but there were interpretations about it being about cocaine or screwing around with virgins). Basically, you can wildly misinterpret a song, but whatever the interpretation is will be what sticks with you about that song. Same with any other art - whatever the artist's intent for the piece (whether a song, or a painting or a poem) takes on a life outside of the artist as soon as it is consumed by the receiver. That's probably neither bad nor good, merely the way things work. But could I let my "baby" go out into the world to be vilified or sanctified on its own? (Since an artistic creation is the closest I'm going to get to a "baby" anyway... I suppose the only way to know that is to take the leap of faith and find out.)
List of things to do before I die - See the pyramids. Walk on the Great Wall. Spend a sunset with someone I love. Learn to swim properly so I'm not afraid to snorkel. Climb a mountain (maybe not Everest or Kilimanjaro, but something bigger than the foothills). Learn how to snowboard. Learn how to play the piano. Forgive myself for the trespasses I've committed against myself (or allowed others to commit against me). Learn how to graciously take a compliment.
Sharks - went to see the Sharks last weekend with Christine. Christine is cool. She seems to come in and out of my life at about the points that I need something spritual in my life. I think this was one of those times. We had interesting talks, and she gave me an interesting CD. Without getting to new age-y and weird - the thing that stayed in my head and resonated the most was the idea that you attract what you need - whether it's good or bad. So sometimes you put out postive energy and you get positive things, and sometimes you put out negative energy and you get negative things. Sometimes it's not that simple. You put out what you think is positive energy, but it's actually clouded with other intentions (conscious or not), and you get the result of those intentions. So basically - you get the type of people in your life that you put the energy out there for... i.e. someone who puts out victim energy gets a victimizer, and if you're a care-taker you get someone to take care of. (Yes, this is wildly oversimplified, and no I don't think things are the fault of the victim - I'm talking broad strokes here folks.) Basically it's kind of a "what comes around, goes around" thing. Now I know that this works with money (i.e. when I don't worry about it and trust that it will come - it shows up, even when there's reallllllly no basis for thinking it will). It mostly works with work stuff when I get out of the way and let it (i.e. getting the job at Jetstream, getting any of the jobs at my current company). So why doesn't it work about dating? Because I am investing too much negative energy. So rather than be down about poor little me, I am going to stop worrying about what I don't have, and enjoy and work on what I do have. (Is it a case of if you build it, they will come? Yeesh...)
Shadows and fog - "...because I was drunk..." while probably a true answer, isn't probably an entirely honest answer. The honest truth is sometimes hard to know, and sometimes hard to say, and sometimes there are shades of gray and shadows that don't bear shining too much light onto.
Jealousy sucks - It's a sucky emotion to have. Basically it means you are hurting for a thing that you want that you're not getting. And it doesn't have to be the person that inspires the jealousy that you're jealous of. Sometimes that person merely bring to the surface the things that you deny that you want and need but really do, and holds up a mirror to what you don't want to see. And it doesn't hurt any less when he/she says things that bring your hurt to the surface, especially when the person says it unwittingly. And if they say it unwittingly, then you can't ask them not to say it without having to reveal that it hurts you.
Surreality - I've invented a new word. I was pondering the state of surrealness (surreality) that I walked into at one point. Pondering that there are more things brewing under the surface than you can understand. And that sometimes you are the catalyst, and sometimes you are the catalyzed. And depending on where you are, and who you are, sometimes that's ok. I guess there's also the idea that sometimes you're the star, and sometimes you're the minor player, merely there to move the action along. And that while sometimes you're a catalyst of your own actions, sometimes it takes something outside yourself to get you to react.
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