Last night I Tivo'd Red Dragon. Just got done watching it. Ralph Fiennes was pretty good in it. Next movie I'm going to watch now? Maid in Manhattan. Not for its cinematic, storytelling or other merits, but because it's another Ralph Fiennes movie, and such a wildly different role that it should be amusing.
Yesterday's movie choices were (unwittingly) full of beautiful men. Two Towers - with elfin nugget and Ranger nugget (mmm... nice hands...when they're not dirty and bloody). And then Ocean's Eleven - older man fixation nugget Clooney, and sexiest man ever (even though I'm not usually partial to blonds, with a couple exceptions) Pitt, and sexy Latin man Garcia... ah... masturbatory fantasies all...
Thoughts - I got one more set of photos from a friend from the tour. It's so strange to even think of the tour now. I still find myself measuring time in terms of the vacation (i.e. it's been 3 weeks since I got back). It seems so remote now unless I see the pictures, but when I see the pictures it takes me right back to the time/place. I can remember where that was, what was near where the picture was taken, what we had done before or after that photo was taken, who I was with, what the food was like that day, what the weather was like, (approximately) where I sat on the bus, etc. It seems both that it was life-changing, but also that it wasn't.
It wasn't life-changing in a dramatic, movie-of-the-week sort of way. It wasn't life-changing in that I'm still the same person I was before I left. I'm a bit more now, but essentially the same. It was just a vacation after all. Something to write home about (so to speak), but nothing that shows up on my face, or is visible in any way. It's just a bunch of memories, right? But isn't it your memories that make you who you are?
It was life-changing in the way that it's a measure of who I was then and who I am now, and of a small part of how I see the world. It was life-changing in that I met people who were wonderful, and that I miss now, but if pressed, wouldn't know what of my "real" life to share with them. It was life-changing in that I experienced things that make me profoundly grateful - grateful to have seen them, to have experienced them, to have been touched - by food, or drink, or people, or stunning vistas, or art, or sacred (and profane) places. It was life-changing in the way that real travel it - by being a measure of not only what you brought to it (your misconceptions, your ideas of who and how you are in the world, etc.), but also of what you got out of it. You expect to get certain things out of your travels - photos, shopping, vistas, food, wine, etc. But sometimes the best part of traveling is the stuff you didn't expect - friendships, broadening of your world view, an understanding of how things fit together and influenced each other, and learning about who and how you are (or are not).
Lessons learned - Oh, and lessons learned from the trip - bring a digital camera and take insane amounts of photos. They're for you, so snap away to your heart's content. You'll be happy later that you did so that you can remember a nuance you may have otherwise forgotten. And if you think of it - keep up with photos on a theme. I wish I'd taken photos of all the stuff I ate, and labels of bottles of wine I drank. That'd be a cool addition to my collection, and I didn't think to do it. Take chances and get off the beaten track - you sometimes find the most interesting things that way, and if it goes awry for any reason, you learn a lot about yourself. Be flexible and open to enjoying even the trying things - things that appeared to be bad on first look often turn out to be great opportunities (i.e. finding the fabulous lunch place on Capri, and taking the chance on doing the taxi around the island). Challenge yourself - you find yourself capable of much more than you thought you'd be able to do. On the flip side - know your limits, and know when to ask for help (i.e. low blood sugar and asking for help getting food when you can't make a decision). Remember that sometimes you're the star of what's going on, and that sometimes you're a bit player in someone else's drama - learn which one is which and act accordingly. Talk to people - don't be in your own little bubble so much that you forget to interact with the real people around you. That's where some of the best stuff is, getting to know someone, even briefly. Learn the history of the places you're visiting - it'll make things come alive more to know the context in which a piece of art or architecture was created.
Finding your voice - sometimes the thing about finding your voice isn't in using it in any way that other people know about it. It's in the freedom to use your voice singing out loud in front of your computer, or singing aloud in the car. It's in that acknowledgement that you're fully alive, and that whatever else is going on, you are in that moment expressing something (even if it started out as someone else's something). And that once you start using your voice, in any manner, it sets you free to use your voice in other manners. So even if no one else is meant to hear you singing in the shower, or to see your thoughts typed out into your blog, that energy is out there in the universe now. Sometimes those things remain private, but sometimes they have a life outside of what you meant them to have (like smiling over someone else singing away in their car during rush hour). Sometimes though, the thing about having a voice is about being strong enough, and wise enough, to use it in the right time, in the right way and for the right reasons. Maybe it's scary to find your voice because you might be compelled to use it, and if you're still not heard, then suddenly it's on you to make sure you are?
Strength and bravery - This is a small meditation on strength, or maybe bravery, or both. I've been told that I'm both brave and also that I'm a strong person. Strong, sure, I can buy that; I may not like it, but time and the world have proven that I can get through anything I have to get through (as has everyone). Brave, I have a little more trouble with that one. In any case, it doesn't feel either brave or strong (to use a phrase from my childhood) to "keep on keepin' on". You go on because you have to. You face things because you have to - to not face up to something would be to live a lie. You pick up the pieces and move on because it hurts to much not to. You look your fears in the face and you keep going in the face of difficult odds because giving up is not an option.
Someone noted when I was off on a bitter rant (who, me?) that I must have been really hurt. And I had a lot of trouble with that. I didn't want to admit that that was true. I mean, who hasn't been hurt, really hurt deeply at some point? I'm not any different than anyone else, right? As if by admitting that I'd been hurt that that opens the door for it to happen again. Rationally, I know it's not really true... that while it's inevitable that I'll be hurt again at some point, that it's not true that admitting hurt sets you up to be hurt again. And this led me to thinking about wearing your pain on the outside - that it's there for everyone to see, just that some people don't have the "vocabulary" to see it. And that maybe some of our attraction to people (especially those who are bad for us) has to do with this unexpressed recognition of a similar pain in someone else. Or that maybe sometimes we are attracted to people who have NOT been hurt in the same ways because it's refreshing to be with someone innocent, and unguarded?
What is bitterness, other than trying to hold off the pain by acting like you don't need or want whatever you're ranting against, right? Maybe sometimes it's ok to admit that you hurt, because in admitting it maybe you can let go of a measure of it? Maybe sometimes it's a measure of strength to let people in, to show some vulerability? Hm... sounds risky. Sounds scary. Maybe it's time for some strength and some bravery?
Attraction/chemistry - why is it that we're rarely attracted to people who are good for us? Or is it just me? I know I keep harping on it, but I have insane physical chemistry with some people with whom I have very little in common, very little to talk about, etc. Then again, I have a great connection with some people (similar backgrounds, similar interests, similar outlook on the world), but I'm not chemically turned on by them. Can that grow out of your overall attraction to a person? I kinda doubt it. And that sucks. Because some of those people I'm not chemically attracted to would be great. But the people that I AM chemically attracted to tend to be completely useless. Sigh...
Posted by cshell at October 19, 2003 10:39 PM