Since I haven't written in a while, here's a whole HOST of things to read about:
Meditations on toilets - Ah... the joy of being a homeowner. Basically it means that (unlike apartment dwellers) you have to figure out who to call or how to fix things when they break at your house. The particular joy of owning a 50 year old home is that the plumbing sucks. Not in a "my house is filling with water every day" sort of way, but in a "I've had to fix the same fixture in the shower 7 or 8 times in the 3 years I've owned the home". Not only that, I'm much more aware of my toilet than I ever wanted to be. I do think I've now officially replaced all the inner workings of the the toilet. One should not have to pay attention to toilets - they should just be there and work. All my life up until I lived in my own home, I don't believe I ever had to deal with a toilet problem (I know I never took the top of the tank off of my toilet in ANY of my apartments). Now I don't leave the bathroom until I'm sure the toilet is filling, not overflowing and otherwise is working properly. I live not in fear of the workings of the toilet, but in the vague anticipation that something will go wrong. The good news is that with all these plumbing trials and tribulations, I've gotten very good both at calling the plumber, and then (progress!) doing the repairs myself. (Because why pay a guy $60/hour plus the cost of parts to do something you can do yourself - it's not rocket science after all...although the pay rates do make you wonder...)
geek envy
romance
Insider vs. outsider - - This article that Metamanda thought was a must read was interesting... there are many interesting themes to tackle, but the first one that got my attention was the idea of the outsider. She posits that women are outsiders in the working world - my question is whether that is a perverse kind of advantage? Certainly it's a disadvantage in many ways - I live this every day - in that you aren't privy to the inner circles of power, the lofty reaches of the decision-making elite. But in my case I feel like it give me a hunger that helps my performance (the old "you have to work 5 times as hard as a man to succeed in a man's world" idea). However, I do see that I am going to be butting my head into these walls forever - no one in power willingly gives up power for any reason (good or evil - and wouldn't the person with the power see the person taking away power as evil to some degree). And I wonder if it's worth it?
There is a certain fire to those on the outside - but does it burn the outsider, or does it burn the insiders, or both? When you long to be an insider but are not, certainly the fire burns you - you either strive to be the insider, going to greater and greater lengths to be seen or included or recognized or you shun/renounce insider ways while still secretly pining to be on the inside. But what I got (a bit) from the article is that outsiders also are just waiting to burn insiders. (In this case it was the women whistle-blowers in Enron/Worldcomm/FBI.) I'm torn on this - was the whistle-blowing a good thing or a bad thing? The perception that women MAY be whistle-blowers to me is something that will merely keep women on the outside even further - there's ABSOLUTELY no incentive to let women into what really goes on in companies if they are going to use that information in damaging ways. While I agree that these truths needed to be told, I suppose I see it as a possible setback for women.
One thing I did get from the posting that I liked was the idea about blogging as a form of truth-telling and communication for women that we've never really had before. Blogging allows you to put your voice, your vision, your ideas into the world without the type of censoring that would normally go with any sort of broadcast medium (movies, tv, books). Here you have to chance to express yourself (for good or bad) without an editor (other than your own internal censor). I think for me that's allowing me to have an outlet for all my voices - humorous, angry, thoughtful, etc., and the freedom of that allows me to discover more and more about myself, but also about the world outside. I find that in order to have stuff to write about, I want to explore/read more about what other people find/think/feel.
Dieting - (For the moment I'm not dieting - have taken a bit of a break.) I was pondering the idea of dieting - is it a form of self love or a form of self hate? I suppose the militantly mentally healthy folks would say that it's self hate - you should love yourself as you are, embrace the victim within you and when you can nurture that you can accept yourself, etc, etc. I guess I'm feeling it as a form of self love - I have accepted for a long time that my weight was my weight and I didn't want to waste time and energy changing it. But now I do feel like devoting that time and energy - it's an investment in myself.
It's kind of a strange journey - the idea that you gain something by denying yourself something (although I suppose that's a tenet of many religions). Yes, I deny myself some of the foods that I love, but from that I gain a strength and a new way of seeing myself. Some of that new vision is physical (when you see the weight coming off it's like a physical archeological dig - peeling aways layers to reveal what's underneath). Some of it is internal (seeing myself at my thinnest in many years and looking forward to being thinner still). Some of it is in the way other people look at me differently (any reaction from a quizzical "did you change your hair" look, to a double-take, to a comment about this new positivity about me).
Oh, and what's with people trying to sabotage my dieting efforts? Is it their own insecurities (if she changes she won't hang with me anymore, or if she changes then maybe I'll have to change too)? Do they really not get how their critical comments sound (I've heard that diet sucks, you won't be able to maintain it, etc.)? I understand actual outpourings of concern (truly questioning whether I've thought it through and know the possible risks involved), and I appreciate those. But I do wonder at some people's motives - is it about them or me?
Pursuit of the alpha male - Having just read a blog about alpha males, I then picked up Fortune and was reading about alpha males and alternative strategies that are working (at least among baboons), which made me think about Lesson 12 - the Post-Alpha Male. I think that's the kinda guy that would be interesting. Too bad I don't know any of them. Well... I actually do, but they're all "friends" (yes, it belongs in quotes - that means there's the insane chemical attraction and some stupid rule on one or both sides saying that we can't actually fuck. sigh...)
Posted by cshell at July 26, 2003 10:41 AM