Ok, I WAS off on a rant.
Now I'm feeling fuckiing HOMICIDAL. This fucking tool lost my fucking post AGAIN. How stupid is it that the CANCEL button equals "eat my posting and throw it a-fucking-way"? Why doesn't cancel mean "don't do anything - put me back where I was a minute ago". Fucking piece of shit goddamned son of a bitching thing. Hrmph....
To start over on my original rant... my friends blew me off. I sent them email asking if anything was going on tonight, and asking if they wanted to do something. 3 of the 4 didn't respond. The 4th responded, and then went incommunicado. Luckily I met up with other friends and went out to dinner, so I'm merely in a shitty mood now.
That's not what I really wanted to rant about, however. What I REALLY wanted to rant about was love. Or rather, lack thereof. What the fuck, man? Assholes and thieves and liars and sycophants and losers and apparently ANYONE can find love but me. Now, I'm sure that's because I'm not willing to settle and all, but still... I'm happy for my friends who are happily in love - they deserve to be happy. But don't I deserve it too? I'm obviously not entirely unloveable, or I wouldn't have any friends. But... Oh, fuck it. Having a public pity party doesn't fix anything, so I'll go back to ranting. It doesn't make things any better either, but it feels empowering instead of draining.
Men suck. Not all men. Apparently just the ones that I'm interested in. They have this incredible timing or knack for knowing when I'm done. When I'm not putting up with their shit any longer, they come back with some story that sorta makes sense (in an "I'm trying to rationalize that what he's done is ok so that that means I'm not being a psycho chick" sort of way). Or they let me in just enough to know that they are interested in me, and I get interested in them, and then BLAMMO! they withdraw. Is this something they learn in the locker room, or in some strange secret initiation? (That conjures images I'm not sure I want, and am pretty sure I now can't get rid of...) I'm sure it's just that the men I am attracted to are in no manner good for me. Let's see... what do they have in common... funny, smart, generous of spirit, ambitious, capable, emotionally crippled, crappy communicators, mostly passive agressive, spineless (who says men have the balls - I've yet to meet ONE who has the balls to have the hard conversation, to say the things that need to be said and to do the things that need to be done).
Wild change of topic away from scary psycho girl and back to "normal" - Went to Ken/Amanda/Craig/Seni/Alyssa's softball game and dinner with them yesterday. That ended up being strangely fun. (Ok, mostly it was because I wasn't home by myself yet again.) Interesting discussion: the "sausage incident". More interesting was an ongoing thread about music (which stuff you were ashamed of, the death of records, etc.)
Posted by cshell at July 11, 2003 11:48 PM